b4mpyre-k1zz3s

[b4mpyre-k1zz3s]

Okayokayokay so I was thinking smth like you're a friend of bams who gets dragged along with most of his adventures which leads to you meeting ville and he just. Instantly is like 'that ones mine, when do you want to move to Helsinki with me' kinda similar to yr bam x model!reader fic iykwim?

Love You To Death

Having Bam Margera as a friend also means you get dragged along on whatever project he’s working on, most recently leading you to Finland, where you would get caught up in something you couldn’t even imagine.

Ville Valo X Fem!Reader (slight Bam Margera X Ville Valo if you squint?)

(Angst, fluff)

3.2k Words

Warnings: Highly suggestive content, alcohol, smoking, manipulation, power imbalance, fighting, toxic relationships

An: Thank you so much for your request! I always love writing for kind of messed up relationships such as this one and would be happy to do a sequel! This is my first time writing a Ville centric fic so lmk what you think! Thank you for the request and please keep sending them!

Being a part of Bam’s crew and following him around everywhere only served to reinforce one fact: you were nobody special. He always claimed that your little group was a package deal, but who was the one always always getting followed by cameras and reporters? Certainly not you, or Ryan, or god forbid Novak. Bam was getting all the product deals, all the interviews, all the chicks. It was no wonder that after years of watching from the sidelines, you were a little jealous. But while you were filming together, you usually tried to push that aside.

“He’s, like- the Elvis of Finland, Y/N!” You were flying out to Europe to film this music video, and Bam had been excitedly gushing about something or other the whole time- this rock star he wanted to introduce you to, but you were pretty clearly not paying much attention. “Chicks pass out when he walks down the street! They’re, like- my favorite band.” Yeah, because if Bam’s a fan of something, that means it’s good. You nodded, sitting back in your economy class seats while you tuned him out.

It was the dead of winter, so Helsinki-Vantaa was completely decked out in Christmas decorations as you touched down, making the whole airport glow amber in the dark blue night- what a sight to wake up to.

☆彡

Half asleep, you were still blinking awake as you arrived at a dim, seedy looking rock club in the center of the city- some place called Tavastia. The bouncers outside took one look at Bam and quickly ushered you guys over to this side entrance, giving him his usual celebrity treatment. Following him to where the band was hanging out backstage, you had to do a double take when you saw that tall stranger sprawled out on the couch, idly smoking his cigarette with half lidded eyes. His eyes flicked up to meet yours first before darting towards Bam, who was standing with a hand held out to pull him to his feet, “Hey, man! What’s up?” There were traces of pink lipstick left on his cigarette as this beauty of a man took a drawl, shrugging, “Nothing much.” His eyes fell on you again as he looked you up and down as he talked with Bam in that low, totally chill register, “Who’s this?”

He introduced you to each other: Y/N, this is Ville. Ville, this is Y/N. Honestly, you misconstrued his subtle flirting as him just being nice- you chalked up how he said it was a pleasure to meet you and the way he kept looking back to you while Bam was excitedly going on about the new video as Scandinavian hospitality, if that’s a thing. You were so oblivious. The roar of the excited crowd was a mere rumble from where you were, and as the band got their cue to head out onstage, Ville shot you a wink as he slipped out the door.

You know that phonemenon where someone goes to a concert and they swear back and fourth the singer was making eye contact with them the entire time? Well, you were pretty sure Ville’s eyes didn’t leave yours for the entire set. He was gazing at you as if you were the only person in the entire world. However, you were pretty oblivious to this- all you were really paying attention to was the music. In fact, Bam noticed this even before you did, though at first he did think he was staring at him before that great, looking from one person to the other realization moment.

☆彡

He didn’t bring it up until you were stepping outside and getting into the waiting taxi, “How are you this oblivious?” Pulling your coat shut as you shook the snow out of your hair, you stepped down into the cab, “Huh?” Bam reached into his pocket, shoving a handful of twenty euro notes at the driver before turning to you, “Dude! He was givin’ you the eyes all night! Did you seriously not know he was into you?” The edge in Bam’s voice struck you as odd, but you were certainly listening now. “If I was in your shoes, Y/N- I’d be all over that shit in a heartbeat.” You still didn’t believe what he was saying. Why would a man like Ville- a man as famous as him (and as adored by women as him) want anything to do with you? You are barely a B list star in America. You weren’t a model or a pop star or anything- you got famous for hanging out with a guy who was fameous, which was nothing. Turning to look out the window as the snow flurried by in the pitch black night, you shrugged as the car sped off.

Bam received a phone call that night- from Ville, of course, grilling him for everything he knew about you. “From the moment I saw her, we had this…connection.” He mused, speaking in that flowery way he did when he was very passionate about something, “I have to have her. I’m sure you know what I mean, right?” Hushing the shock in his voice so he wouldn’t wake you, he leaned in close to the receiver, “Hold your horses, man- you just met her!” Oh, it’s not as if he would understand how he felt about you. Compared to him, Bam was a teen boy when it came to romance. But Ville’s fame usually got him what he wanted and, not wanting to appear lame in front of a man he respected so much, it only took a little priding to get your friend to eventually spill all the information he needed.

It was only a surprise to you when you discovered what was waiting in front of your hotel room door the next morning. A bouquet of flowers- your favorite flowers, which definitely weren't in season that time of year- bundled together with a black, silk ribbon. You examined them curiously, turning over the attached card and gasping when you saw who it was from. Maybe Bam was right about that.

★彡

Bam was in director mode the entire time you tagged along with him to the shoot, which is a nice way to say he was being a meticulous jerk. There was this whole production setup, with all these big cameras and mics and wires strewn about the floor- real professional looking, nothing like the run and gun camcorder stuff you were used to. It was dazzling enough to walk through this huge, baroque manor in the middle of the Czechian countryside, but to film in it?

Now, you didn’t catch the beginning of this argument, but while you were drooling over the fancy equipment, you heard something about the European model chick they were intending to have in the video running late. Despite this, Ville seemed surprisingly nonchalant about the situation as he reasoned with Bam, “Why don't we just use her?” Bam huffed out some response about how expensive it was to get this lady and Ville’s eyes wandered over to you, “I mean,” Ignoring him, he looked you up and down, speaking barely loud enough you could hear him, “she’s already very beautiful- She wouldn’t need very much hair and makeup.” Bam gave up his protest and went over to begrudgingly drag you to the makeup tables, mumbling something about this only being a practice run. All of this was leaving you confused and far more flustered than you could care to admit.

You weren’t sure what to make of everything that was happenings, and Bam’s very barebones direction of ‘be sexy’ right before the camera started rolling wasn’t helping much. It also didn’t help that you had this absolutely angelic man in front of you, serenading you completely shirtless. This is the kind of thing middle aged women read paperbacks to expereince, and there you were. While you tried your damndest to act all minxy (and frankly failing at it), Vile was so effortlessly confident. This incubus was bewitching you, and you were falling for his spell.

☆彡

That night, after the shoot, the three of you met up at the pub down the road. Ville greeted you with one of those cute European double cheek kisses, your skin being warmed by the yellow streetlamp you were standing underneath. Bam, who was standing right next to you, turned his face in anticipation, but the only thing he received from Ville was a friendly pat on the back (which was more of a shove) towards the door, “The bar’s that way! Go get yourself a drink.” It sent him stumbling ahead of you two and he looked back with bewilderment as you felt an arm slip around your shoulders. Despite the fact that you looked an awful lot like a couple, you didn’t mind being seen with this eye candy. Walking with Ville by your side was like walking through a dream. These beautiful women and beautiful men that lined the dark, wood paneled halls of the old pub all greeted him with admiration as you made your way to the bar. Some of the bolder women even reached out to touch him with fond, feather light caresses as he passed by, which he didn’t seem to mind in the slightest.

“You were wonderful today, Y/N.” Ville took the seat next to yours at the bar, leaning against the counter as he spoke in that mesmerizing way he did whenever he was talking to you, “Honestly, we’re thinking of using that take in the final video- you were much better than that model.” Your eyes went wide, and so did Bam’s as he leaned around you, “What’re you talking about? She was great!” This whole music video business was drawing a wedge between the two of them, and you were caught in the middle of it. Bam waved his hands to dismiss the notion. “Whatever- you know what?I think it went really well today.” It was odd- if it was anyone else but Ville he was taking to, you knew he would’ve stood his ground a little more. Even the way he talked around him was different. Bam shrugged, taking a swig of his beer to look nonchalant, “I just got some editing to do tomorrow and I should have somethin’ by the end of the day.” Your attention was drawn away as, leaning in towards you to be heard over the chatter of the bar, Ville murmured close to your ear, “Maybe while Bam’s busy doing that, I could show you around Helsinki tomorrow. Hmm?”

Well, how could you say no to that?

★彡

The next morning, Ville picked you up in front of your hotel and took you around to these beautiful, romantic spots. One among the many you visited was this gigantic church: Helsinki Cathedral, he told you it was called. Up the marble steps, you wandered about the stark, white columns near the entrance as Ville went on about the history of this building, “If I recall, it was built in tribute to Nicolas the first- back when this land was under Russian rule in the 1840s.” Though you would never say this aloud, you were really surprised at his knowledge of history. Ville was nothing like the grimey skater dudes that you usually hung around. He had this intelligent, charming air about him, and it helped that he didn’t smell like you sprayed a whole can of Axe body spray into a bag of Jack Links.

You didn’t even notice that he was looking at you as he mused aloud, “If I were to ever get married, Y/N, It would certainly be here.” From the second you walked in the room back at the club, Ville had his sights set on you. If it were a socially acceptable thing to do, Ville would’ve asked you to move in with him right then and there, but unfortunately he had some awareness of social graces. And as he stood on the steps with you, Ville just knew you would look like a princess dressed in white- an angel. He let his thoughts run wild a bit from there. Your lips were moving but the only thing he could hear was church bells.

Maybe not that fast- you were a sensible woman after all, Ville thought, and you didn’t seem the type to jump to get hitched to a man only because he was famous and interested. But that didn’t stop him from trying to subtly plant that thought in your head, conveniently taking a detour on the way back to your hotel to show you that wooden bridge in town that lovers and newlyweds place locks on to proclaim their affections for one another.

☆彡

You and Bam shared this look of confusion when the front desk lady told you there was something wrong with your reservation. A call was placed earlier and you had already checked out, she said, but despite Bam’s frustrated explanation that you already paid for that night, she wouldn’t hear him out- no refunds, hotel policy. Staring out the front window at the snow that was blustering by in the less than negative temperatures that were typical of a Helsinki winter, you racked your mind for options. Bam beat you to it, closing his flip phone with a click, “I just got off the phone with Ville-'” That knowing grin spread further across his face as he continued in a tone that indicated he was very proud of himself, “and he said we could crash at his flat for the night. He’s sending a car right now!”

A few moments later, the concierge let Bam know that he had a phone call for him. Reaching over the counter, he grabbed the receiver and pressed it to his ear, not noticing that you had slipped out the door even after you turned and called to him as you left, “Hey, I’ll wait out front!” It was really well choreographed- Ville called him just as that hot, black car pulled up in front of the hotel. Rolling down the window, he took in the sight of you there, standing under the yellow glow of that street lamp, waiting for him in the cold like some abandoned puppy on the side of the road. It was cute. You were walking around to the other side of the car as he lifted up the phone he was conveniently hiding below the window and pressed it to his ear, mumbling an “I'll call you back,” to Bam before flipping it shut. Sliding onto the warm, leather seat next to Ville was a welcome respite from the cold as you sighed, closing the door. He smiled at you and gently took your hand, placing a sweet kiss on your knuckle- this prince charming move that made you wonder if this was also a common gesture in Finland as you blushed and stammered, “Thanks for the, uh- thanks for the ride. How’s Bam gonna, like- get to your place…?” He shrugged nonchalantly, sitting back and looking back out the window as you sped off. “Oh, I just talked to him. We’re sending another car later to pick him up- he’ll be fine.” Once again, Ville’s fame got him what he wanted. The only thing he needed to do was make a phone call.

After you were done kissing your hellos, he talked with you on the drive to his place, but not the way Bam usually did- he wasn’t talking at you. Instead, Ville asked you how you were liking Finland or if you’d ever thought of moving here- he’d be happy to get you a place to stay and help you with the language if you were interested. Honestly, he made the whole concept of leaving your life in America behind sound pretty damn promising.

☆彡

“Wow…your place is really nice.” You looked arround with awe as you walked in the door, and even through the dimness you could tell it was a pretty upscale apartment. “I don’t spend a lot of time here- really. Just a place to crash between tours.” The only light in the room came from Ville’s fridge as he opened it, leaning inside. “Something to drink?” Sitting on his couch timidly, you gave him an, “mmhm,” and he came back with two beers, placing on on the glass coffee table and opening the other himself. Blue light cascaded onto his delicate features from the window that sat behind you, the only way you saw him in the darkness.

You couldn’t place your finger on what was so bewitching about Ville, but you had this whole image of him in your head already. He probably paints and writes poetry in this apartment, you thought. He probably spends his evenings on this very sofa, idly sipping wine for hours before throwing on his coat to solemnly wander about misty graveyards and lament the fleetingness of life and love while placing roses on headstones. He just seemed like the type.

The whole time the two of you were chatting over drinks and discussing how well the video went, Ville kept getting calls that he would quickly hit the ignore button on without any explanation. This would’ve set off red flags in any sane person, but at this point you couldn’t exactly consider yourself sane with the way you were drawn to him. What you didn’t know was who was calling him- Bam, who’d been waiting for that car to show up for the past two hours. That was until he called you and you quietly excused yourself to take it. “Dude! Okay, okay, okay-” He rambled on, “so basically- all the hotel shit’s sorted out! There was an issue with some system- i know- and they gave us all this complementary free shit!” From the way Bam was slurring his words, you could tell he was already making a dent in the mini bar. Still, you were relieved that everything got sorted out, however suspicious the circumstances.

But despite how happy Ville seemed to hear the news, you could tell there was something else happening in his head. Standing up, you were making your way toward the door when you felt something stop you. It was a hand- pale, long fingers firmly grasping your arm, and there was something possessive about the way it held onto you, like someone holding onto something for dear life. “Ville…?” Turning to him, the only way you could make out his presence was from the way the light flooding in the window silhouetted him. There was this aching, earnestness in his voice. “Don’t go. Don’t leave Finland.” There was something in his pleading words that made you think that he wouldn’t know what tomorrow would bring if he woke up and you weren’t there. “What? You- you want me to stay?” Answering your silent question of ‘how long?’, Ville continued, all but encouraged by the sympathy bubbling up in the corners of your eyes. “I don't know: a day, a month- a year? Forever? Just, please- don’t leave. I need you.”

“My heart, my body- my soul needs you. Just…stay.”

#jackass #ville valo #bam margera #him #him fanfiction #him fanfic #ville valo x reader #jackass fanfiction #jackass fanfic

[b4mpyre-k1zz3s]

for the ask game: beehive limo, poo cocktail supreme, the quiet game, the brand, vomitron, anaconda ball pit, the leech healer, butt chug, the switcheroo, and sweatsuit cocktail !!!

Thank you so much for sending me this ask! <3

Sorry it took me so long to answer this! I’m dealing with a pretty awful respiratory illness and I’ve been sleeping a lot XD

Beehive limo: Who do you think is the most underrated duo?

I think it’s really hard to pick just one here tbh! I love the friendship all the guys have with each other (and that’s really why I loves Jackass so much in the first place), so choosing one is like picking my favorite child!

Poo cocktail supreme: Do you have any unpopular opinions on Jackass?

I feel that I’m going to get some hate for this, but I did not care for 3D as much as some other fans did! Number Two is and always has been my favorite, and while it was the most successful film, I feel that some of the stunts are kind of forgettable

The quiet game: Do you have a favorite quote that came from Jackass? If so, what is it?

That’s so hard!! I would have to say either Steve telling Chris to “assume the goddamn position!” In the Argentina episode of Wildboyz or Johnny’s reaction to Bam’s ass in the Brand (“It is pretty...”)

The brand: What is your favorite bit that Bam was in?

I do really adore his performance in the Brand, but there was something cathartic about seeing him kinda get his comeuppance in the Wind Tunnel after so many years pranking people (though I will admit, I did feel a wee bit bad for him once he started crying :( )

Vomitaron: Name the stunt/bit that made you the most squeamish.

I think I’m one of the only Jackass fans who can sit through the Papercuts stunt, but there’s something about the Fart Mask (of all stunts, I know) that just nauseates me!

Anaconda ball pit: What stunt/bit is your favorite that includes an animal?

Funny enough, it probably would be Anaconda Ball Pit! Either that or Roller Buffalo (purely because of Johnny’s incredible dance moves XD)

The leech healer: Which stunt are you most likely to participate in? Or the one you'd like to have participated in the most (you will get hurt/deal with the consequences)? And oppositely, which stunt would you try if you could do it despite/without getting hurt?

If it counts, I would pick to participate the whole musical ending stunt of Number Two :D I’m a former theater kid, and if it means anything I did once, on a boring weekend, learn all of the choreography for Knoxville’s little cowboy number! Conversely, If I didn’t have to worry about getting hurt, I would pick either Firehose Rodeo or Duck Hunt because they just seem really fun!

Butt chug: What is something you've found difficulty in loving about Jackass?

So much Jackass media is difficult to find! But besides accessibility, Me and many other Jackass fans have the same complaint of the fandom being really small!

The switcheroo: Which Jackass member do you think you could beat in a fight? Why?

That’s a tricky one! My first idea was Bam because I think I could dodge his limp punches and we’re around the same height, but he definitely has muscle on me. Steve is more comparable to my physique, but something about him makes me think he can actually fight (which I obviously can’t XD)

Sweatsuit cocktail: Have you picked up any mannerisms from any of the members? If so, who and what did you pick up on?

I have! Besides incorporating Bam’s weird little slang words into my daily vocabulary, I’ve found myself slipping into his, what I affectionately call, Philly trash accent every now and then lol! Thankfully nobody around me has noticed yet

#jackass #bam margera #johnny knoxville #ryan dunn #steve o #chris pontius

[b4mpyre-k1zz3s]

This is EXACTLY how I imagined his manor in that fic omfg reading my MIND <33333

Bam in Bloodletting :

@b4mpyre-k1zz3s <— GO READ HER AWESOMEE WORK NYEOWW 😼‼️

#jackass #bam margera #bam margera x reader

[b4mpyre-k1zz3s]

Steve-O doodles! (Based off of when he wore a crop top on Wildboyz)

Art, as always, done by my amazing friend @twiggibranch!!

#jackass #steve o #jackass fanart #he’s so silly :)

[b4mpyre-k1zz3s]

Baking Edibles with Steve-O HC’s!

Steve-O X Gn!Reader

Warnings: Mild drug use

An: This fic was largely inspired by this text I received from my amazing friend @twiggibranch! I found it hilarious and thought it might make a funny fic, especially with Bimbo!Y/N. Anyways, thank you for all the requests that I have been receiving and please keep sending them!! :)

It was always those lazy weekends when you and your boyfriend had too much time on your hands that you came up with your best ideas

This weekend was no different.

“You know what we should, like- totally do?” Snuggled up next to Steve on the couch while you half watched whatver was on TV, you nuzzled your face into the crook of his neck and giggled, “We should make pot brownies.”

Of course he was more than eager to jump at the idea,

The only problem was not only did neither of you know how to make edibles, you couldn’t bake anything that didn’t come from a box.

And even that was debatable (you tried to make Steve a cake for his birthday last year and nearly burnt down the apartment in the process)

“Ah, why the hell not?” He grinned, “Let’s give it a shot!”

Standing on your tip toes, you rummaged through the cabinets, eventually finding a box of brownie mix- admittedly it was pretty old and dusty, but it hadn’t expired that long ago,

While Steve went to grab the little baggie of weed he kept in his sock drawer, trying to figure out how you would be getting it into the actual brownies.

“What’re you supposed to do with this? Do you just- put it in the batter?”

Squinting at the back of the box, you shrugged, “I guess so…” I mean, people put nuts in brownies, right?

So you and your boyfriend sat side by side in front of the oven, excitedly watching them bake and ignoring the evil cloud of weed smell that was starting to waft through the air

But the two of you were like kids on Christmas morning when those puppies came out!

And after Steve burnt himself trying to snag a piece before they were cool, you sat back on the couch to dig in to the fruits of your labor! And oh my god

The fruits of your labor were absolute dogshit.

You and him shared this queasy look as you slowly chewed, debating wether it was worth it or not

But after the first one, the rest went down easier

“Hey, hey- next time,” Steve chuckled, wiping a bit of chocolate from the side of his mouth, “We should make rice krispies!”

#jackass #steve o #jackass fanfiction #jackass fanfic #fluff #jackass x reader #steve o x reader

[b4mpyre-k1zz3s]

More Jackass doodles! As courtesy of my amazing friends @twiggibranch

#jackass #bam margera #johnny knoxville #jackass fanart #maybe I should post my own art on here sometime #hmm…

[b4mpyre-k1zz3s]

Seven Minutes

Y/N’s crush on her boss is obvious to everyone, including his co-stars, leading the two into some sticky situations.

Johnny Knoxville X Fem!Reader

(Fluff)

2.4k Words

Warnings: Highly suggestive content, nudity, flirting, praise

An: Thank you so much for the requests!! I really love the Assistant!Au and would love to continue it, specifically with Bam! I would love to see how he would mess with and push around our lovely assistant Y/N XD Anyways, keep sending those requests and let me know what you think!

Clutching your little brown clipboard, you were nearly shaking as you gazed up at the piece of paper sloppily scotch taped to the white trailer door. One would’ve thought that the first name on the billing would be treated with a little more prestige. You had no idea how you got the job, really. Horribly under qualified, virtually zero experience- a real combination for success. I mean, before today, you’d never stepped foot on a movie set, and here you were, Y/N: assistant to the stars. More than that, according to what Paramount told you, you would be an assistant to America’s favorite hot lunatic: Johnny Knoxville. You hadn’t seen a thing he was in, but from what you gathered, teenagers thought of him as the modern PT Barnum, while the churchgoing growd called him the devil incarnate, and you were going to be working under him. Timidly reaching out, you knocked a few times on the trailer to no answer. “Hey, uh- Johnny! Jeff needs you on set soon!” After maybe thirty seconds of waiting and no answer, you decided to try the handle, assuming he was too busy doing whatever movie stars do and just couldn’t hear you.

Boy, did you get an eyeful. There, standing in that silent trailer with his clothes draped over a chair, was the man himself, naked as a jaybird and without a care in the world that you saw him. He was all tanned muscle, Hollywood man meat. You, on the other hand, felt heat rush to your cheeks as your eyes swelled to the size of dinner plates. Stuttering out an apology, you turned away, “Oh! Oh my god, I am-“ Completely unphased, Johnny continued getting dressed, talking to you like he was talking about something as simple as taking out the trash. “Hold on a sec. Just gotta get some clothes on…” Does this happen often with movie stars, or only to him? It had to, you thought, based on how relaxed he was to be naked in front of a total stranger. Is he naked in front of strangers often? All you could do was face the wall of the trailer as your mind went wild, the heat flooding in from outside through the still open door doing nothing to aid the sweat you were already breaking. Your train of thought was brought to a screeching halt when you heard the metallic jingling of Johnny doing up his belt behind you, bringing to mind a flood of thoughts that you weren't exactly proud of. Still, you couldn’t help the urge to sneak another look at his half clothed body but you quickly turned back.

As sneaky as you thought you were being, Johnny noticed your little glance and, more than that, he didn’t seem to mind. Cracking a smirk at the events that were unfolding in front of him, he couldn’t help but want to tease this sweet little assistant of his a bit more. You didn’t even know he was dressed until you felt a tap on your shoulder and you turned around, nearly nose to nose with him while Johnny was still buttoning up his shirt with one hand, sporting that knowing, crooked smile. God, you practically fainted when he spoke, his voice barely above a murmur, “You needed somethin’?” Well yes, there was something you needed, but you weren't going to say that sort of thing out loud, much less to your boss on your first day. Too flustered to articulate yourself, you gestured for him to take a couple steps back, which he complied with, before you attempted to compose yourself, “U- uh…Jeff, he- uh, he asked me to get you for that- that Toro Totter stunt today…”

Johnny loved that you remembered his coffee order, even though that was a part of your job. Not that it was hard to remember- black coffee with two sugars. Every morning when you met up with him on set, you’d tell him good morning when you handed him the steaming hot styrofoam cup, and Johnny would take it from you with a smile that was still tired from partying the night before. He’d take a long sip and get this charmed look on his face and make some joke about how he couldn't believe that you remembered his order. As you worked with him longer and you started growing closer, he would tack on an appreciative, “Atta’ girl!” and reach out to rub your back or ruffle your hair. All the guys on set would whisper and joke about the two of you, especially Bam, who no matter how many times it was explained to him, still couldn’t get why Knoxville hadn’t ‘tapped that’. You didn’t care to admit how much you liked when Johnny treated you like that- all affectionately. Maybe you were nervous about working with a big movie star and really needed some approval to keep you going. On the other hand, you had been busting your ass for the past month making sure everything on set went as smoothly as possible, so it could also be that you felt like you needed the recognition. But most likely, you just liked hearing those words come from Johnny’s mouth.

So that’s why you went up to see him in his motel room. Well, that and he was half an hour late and Jeff wanted you to find out why the hell he hadn’t shown up on set. Carrying the well creased list of stunts for the day in your pocket, you walked through the dingy hallways of the cheap place the cast was set up at, carefully stepping over where Steve-O was passed out, drooling face down on the carpet. After finding Johnny’s door, you knocked on the cheap plywood and it swung open without resistance. Wondering what was with this guy and leaving doors open, you timidly called out into the room, “Uh, is everything alright, Joh-?“ Well, that explains why he hadn’t shown up- he wasn’t even out of bed. Shifting slightly at your noise, Johnny sat up with a groan, rubbing the back of his head as the sheets that covered his torso slid down to pool at his hips. “M’fine…god, just- just c'mere.” As he waved you over, patting the side of the bed for you to sit down, you couldn’t help but stare at him now that you were close enough to feel the heat radiating off of his body, and especially since you had more time to look him over. The cheap, frameless bed creaked under you as you sat down next to him on top of the sheets, fiddling with your hands. Johnny, who saw the paper sticking out from the front pocket of your jeans, snaked an arm past your hips nonchalantly to grab it, unfolding it with his muscular arm still around you.

He looked over the list, blinking groggily and quietly commenting about some stunts they should shuffle around to make the day run smoother or how he would change some setups. There was no way in hell you would be able to pay attention to anything that was coming out of his mouth. God, you were awful. It was like the second you got within five feet of him, your brain started slipping out of your ears. Still dazed, you were shaken out of your trance when Johnny wordlessly grabbed the coffee from your hands, bringing it to his lips and taking a drink. The corners of his eyes crinkled up when he swallowed deeply, his voice rough as he slid his arm up to squeeze your shoulder affectionately with a warm smile, “That’s my girl.”

He played you like a fiddle, goddamn it, and you were helpless to do anything about it. He just really got a kick out of messing with you, batting you around like the way a cat plays with its food before it eats it. Of course, this didn’t go unnoticed by the rest of the cast who, although you had mostly ignored their comments and jeering, found your nervous reactions even more entertaining than Johnny did. They’d go out of their way to get you and him into situations where you would be forced to be in close proximity, but because of how often they pulled these pranks and your inexperience working on set, you couldn’t always tell the difference between when you were really needed for something or when they were trying to mess with you, so you naively complied with their requests every time. That’s how you got into situations like this.

“Hey, Y/N!” Steve called to you in passing on set one day, “Can’y grab a couple’a those cowboy hats from wardrobe?” Usually you only tended to what Johnny asked you to do, but since it was a pretty innocuous request, and you had nothing to do, you didn’t give it a second thought as you made your way to the costume department. It wasn't so much of a department as it was a small closet. In the past, the guys made jokes about getting you all dressed up in some skimpy outfit to sit in the background of a stunt on the basis that they really needed some sex appeal in the new movie, so you took a few peeks in there out of curiosity. This is all to say that you knew about it. What you didn’t know, however, was that at the same time Steve was sending you off, Chris was asking the same question to Johnny. See, this was a well coordinated attack, and if there was only one thing these bumbling idiots could coordinate together to do, it was fucking with people.

As soon as you hurriedly stumbled into the dark closet, you bumped face first into something warm which you quickly realized was a person, leaving you a little dazed before the door loudly slammed shut behind you, making you jump a little. The only noise you heard was snickering, courtesy of Bam, who had hidden barely out of sight when you walked in and jammed a chair under the handle of the door. There was only one person you would end up in there with, “Oh, come on, guys!” The familiar southern drawl in his voice made your stomach jump as you recognized Johnny who, while he was trying not to make his annoyance apparent, leaned around you to knock on the door as he yelled to the guys on the other side, “I gotta be on set in five- Jeff’s gonna kill me!” Still, nothing but snickers. You began to realize exactly how close your body was to his- Johnny didn’t even seem to notice nor care that your face was nearly buried in his chest, but you were so freaked out that you could bring your mouth to move or make any noise. It wasn’t until he groaned, leaning back to sit on a costume trunk in front of you that you took a breath.

“Well, we might be here a while…” Johnny mused, and while you couldn’t see it, you definitely heard the smile in his voice as he continued, “Y’know this kinda reminds me a lot of that game- seven minutes in heaven?” Of course you knew what he was talking about, and you would be an idiot to pass this kind of thing up. Unfortunately, under these conditions, you kind of became one. “I, uh- I’ve never played that- that game before…” Well, it wasn't a lie- you really hadn’t, but you knew what he meant. Your response was a half hearted stammer, your heart pounding so hard that you half expected it to thrum out of your chest, cartoon style, and you were sure he could feel it. You were aware he was getting a kick out of your nervousness, but you weren't exactly sure how to feel about that. Johnny’s voice slipped into that low, teasing register as he met your eyes, leaning towards you. “I could always teach you.” You practically let out a squeak at his suggestion. Oh god, it’s happening. He wanted to kiss you, didn’t he? Your brain struggled to form words, but luckily Johnny broke the tension before you dropped dead from the little game he was playing with you. Flashing a playful smile, he chuckled reassuringly, “Ah, I’m just messin’ with ya.”

There was something warm, something comforting and infectious that followed Johnny around wherever he went- a product of his charisma, surely, that just put everyone at ease. Well, everyone except you, but even now that was starting to change. “You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you’ve gotta little crush on me, Y/N.” You thanked the darkness for giving you an excuse not to look him in the eyes, because otherwise he’d find it cute and probably do that thing they do in romance movies- where the guy tilts the girl’s chin up a little, and if he did that then you would be as good as a puddle on the ground. “O-oh, really?” Part of you was tempted to ask if it was that obvious, but you were unfortunately not that bold. “Mmhm. And lucky for me too, cause I was itchin’ to get an opportunity to ask you about gettin’ drinks sometime! Guess that makes my job a little easier, right?” Trying to be slick, Johnny put his arm on the door behind you and leaned, assuming it was still locked. However, against all assumptions, the door of the closet flew open, and as you were still startled from how he just so nonchalantly asked you out, your stiff body tumbled backward, landing flat on your behind. While you were talking, Bam apparently got bored when the ‘action’ hadn’t started, so he got up and left, taking the chair with him. Panicking and confused, the first thing Johnny did was lean down, giving you his hand, “Oh shit, Y/N! You alright?” In any other situation, the genuine concern in his voice and the feeling of his large, warm hand wrapping around yours protectively would be enough to get you weak at the knees, but your mind was elsewhere. Hell, you didn’t even care about how sore you felt as you stumbled to stand, tripping over your own words, “I’m fine, yeah! A, uh- a date! Drinks- that would be great!”

#jackass #johnny knoxville #bam margera #steve o #chris pontius #jackass fanfiction #jackass fanfic #fluff #jackass x reader #johnny knoxville x reader #this is so self indulgent but idc

[b4mpyre-k1zz3s]

Rules of the Harem (Rule 1)

For a while, living under the same roof went without any snags. That is, until Bam does something that changes that.

Ryan Dunn x Fem!Reader, Bam Margera x Fem!Reader

(Fluff, Angst)

959 Words

Warnings: Highly suggestive content, nudity, alcohol, crude language, threesomes

An: thank you so much for sending in all these requests! I was thinking of making each part centered on one or two guys and, as the last one was focused on Johnny, and this part had Bam and Ryan, I have a treat for all you Steve-O and Chris girlies next week! XD Anyways, thank you for reading and keep sending in those requests!

There was a man you didn’t know sitting in your living room. Five minutes ago you were snuggled up in bed with Bam, sleeping soundly with his face snug in your boobs because that’s his favorite way to sleep, and now there was a stranger in your home. Granted he wasn't stealing anything- hell, he didn’t even move from his spot on the couch as he made eye contact with you- but you still had a few questions to ask. Bam was stepping into his boxers as he walked up right next to you, leaning over the railing like there was nothing out of the ordinary here, “Hey, Ry!” He knew this guy? Lowering your voice to a whisper, you turned to Bam as couch guy nodded to him. “Who the hell is- when did I say you could have people over?” Folding his arms, he got a little petulant, ignoring the fact this was all very public, “Hey, I thought you were all about this ‘free love’ crap!” Even though he couldn’t be further from the point, you let him dig his hole deeper, “I got nobody around here to hang with. Chris has Steve, you’ve got Knoxville- it ain’t fair!” While he may have a point, the only people who complain about when things aren't ‘fair’ are Bam and young children.

Still, you should've seen it coming. For the past few weeks, it was clear that Bam was getting a little stir crazy. It started with him acting a little more needy than usual in bed, but you found his whole whiney thing kinda endearing and this is Bam and it's not entirely out of the ordinary for him, so you were fine with indulging him. But when that didn’t work, and you noticed his usual attention seeking behaviors worsening, you decided to take another approach. Dogs act out when they’re understimulated, right? And to fix that, you need to give them something stimulating, like a new toy. So, under that logic, you bought Bam a new toy- a skate ramp, because as stated previously, you knew how to keep your men happy. While he spent hours on that thing daily, and you couldn’t deny you liked watching him skating out there without a shirt on, now it seemed it wasn't working well enough.

“Okay, Bam- listen.” Pulling him to one side, you put one hand on his shoulder, “This is my house- I live here! You can’t do this shit.“ Ryan, who was still sitting downstairs, was well within earshot of your conversation. “But, I’ve known him since I was, like- in high school! He’s totally cool- I promise. Please, ma’am?” You could tell he was really groveling- Bam never called you that (even though everyone else was more than happy to use the honorific). Sighing, you mentally weighed out the options for a moment before relenting, “Alright, let’s just- let’s see how it goes.”

As you would come to find out, Ryan was really nice to have around the house. Sure, he spent most of his days drinking by the pool under an umbrella, and when you asked him to pick up his cans he just told you he would get to it, but they always eventually got cleaned up. Hell, he even cleaned up some of the messes Bam left, and speaking of him, Bam was just over the moon to have someone to mess around with. From that day on, nearly all time you spent with Bam was also spent with Ryan, of course, with the exception of when Ryan just couldn’t be bothered with him or while he was sleeping (which he did quite frequently). From Bam’s perspective, this was just a really long sleepover, and this closeness extended to just about everything. You didn’t mind- there was just something about his laidback, relaxed demeanor that you found charming. Ryan was a breath of fresh air amidst the chaos that all the other guys provided, and as reluctant as you were initially, you found yourself gravitating towards him more than you expected. It helped that he was always eager to try and lend a hand around the house- he and Chris were usually the ones to fix things once they broke, and he always offered to help out with the dishes after dinner, even though you assured him that you pay people to do that.

Ryan and Bam were always a package deal, so you decided to extend an offer to him- I mean, with how quickly he integrated into the everyday goings on around the mansion, there was no reason not to bring it up. It was one afternoon you and Bam were lounging around the living room in one of his more tranquil moments that you suggested it, “Hey, that friend of yours: What was his name- Brian?” After he got himself all tuckered out for the day, Bam could only mumble out a response, “Mmnm…Ryan.” Nodding, you continued, “Yeah, yeah- Ryan. Do you think that he could-“

“Ryan, Ryan!” You would've thought there was a fire with the way Bam flew into the rec room, “She wants’t fuck you!!” He knew that sex was gonna be a part of this, but Ryan never really got the memo on how this was supposed to go. Was he going to be summoned like this every time she wanted to get laid? “So, do I gotta meet her in the bedroom now or somethin’?” This launched Bam into an overly excited, tactless rant about how yeah, sometimes that is how it works, but it could be more casual if the situation called for it, and it doesn’t even have to be in the bedroom- sometimes it was the couch, or the shower, or- “Oh, so that’s what that stain on the pool table is…” Bam gave him an expectant look as he waited for a response to the proposition. After a moment, he shrugged, cracking a slight smile, “Eh, why the hell not?”

#jackass #bam margera #ryan dunn #jackass fanfiction #jackass fanfic #jackass x reader #fluff #angst #bam margera x reader #ryan dunn x reader

[b4mpyre-k1zz3s]

THIS IS SO CUTE OMFG <3333 I can’t WAIT for part 2!!!

Jackass guys w/ a southern s/o HCS!! <3

( not all of the guys cause I’m lazy so lmk if you want a part 2 :) ⭐️

Johnny :

• Low-key not a huge deal to him

• “yes ma’am” “yes sir” CAUSE HE KNOWS HOW SOUTHERN PARENTS CARE BOUT RESPECT.

• makes fun of buckle bunnies w you.

• “y/n cmere watch this” - as he begins to flirt with said buckle bunny.

• “y’ ain’t gettin’ this fucken buckle” - while giggling in attempt to hastily make his way back to you.

• “save a horse ride a cowboy” mentality.

• if you have a heavier accent he ADORES it.

• Couldn’t care less whether you can cook n clean - “doll if I wanted that I would of married my momma…yknow that ain’t out of the ordinary where I’m from”

• has mad respect for Dolly Parton.

• bonds w/ you over shared experiences growin up in the south.

• imbred jokes ( he can’t say much tbh )

• 100% a rodeo star cause he can’t ever quit it w bulls.

• nicknames consist of ‘doll’ ‘darling’ ‘little lady’ ‘ma’am’ ect ect the whole shabang.

• y’all jam to 60s country vinyls tg.

( I was honestly so dry of ideas for this so mb if these suck ‼️ )

Bam :

• mocks your accent whenever given the chance.

• uses stereotypical slang on purpose to piss you off.

• “hold your horses y/n” - “bam this isn’t a cowboy movie” - “I’m just sayin!!”

• appreciates buckle culture:

• no attention span for rodeos or country fairs.

• do something to piss him off and the slang will get worse.

• unironically says yeehaw.

• bought a cowboy hat w a heartagram on just to appeal you. ( a/n, xander I know your reading this. Shut the fuck up about my cowboy kink, anywyas love you /p )

• when trying homemade southern dishes ( he’d rather eat cheap pizza )

• “no!! Y/n!! It’s nice!! I swear it’s only tastes of asscheek a little!!”

• “what’s the deal with cowboys skaters ride just as hard”

• would rather claw his own eyes out than go fishin.

• scared of buckle bunnies.

( I’ll probably update this but for now take this snippet as I’m impatient )

Special thanks to homegal kat for encouraging me to write this in the first place ;) <3

[b4mpyre-k1zz3s]

Silly Vam doodles + comic under the cut!! Drawn by my amazing, wonderful best friend @twiggibranch (please go check her out)!!

Lmk if you wanna see more Jackass doodles or other drawings because whoo boy do I have a lot!

#jackass #bam margera #him #ville valo #jackass fanart #I hope someone on here knows the sapphire ring story bc it is my favorite thing to happen with these two

[b4mpyre-k1zz3s]

Was casually drivin till rein raus came on. No thoughts just kinky dealbreakers @b4mpyre-k1zz3s .

#jackass #bam margera #bam margera x reader #jackass fanfiction #jackass fanfic #oh my GOD sometimes I see things that remind me of fics I’ve read but I never thought this would happen with things I’ve written!

[b4mpyre-k1zz3s]

One of my AMAZING followers, @camariesintrusivethoughts, made this SPECTACULAR Pinterest board based off of my fics, so please go show them some love!! <33

#jackass #bam margera #johnny knoxville #jackass fanfiction #jackass fanfic #jackass x reader #bam margera x reader #johnny knoxville x reader

[b4mpyre-k1zz3s]

Jackass Ask Game

The Valentine: Who is your favorite Jackass member and why?

The High Five: Who is your Favorite new member from 'Forever' and why?

Wasabi Snooters: Who's your favorite duo (ex: Pontius and Steve-O, Bam and Ryan, etc.)?

Beehive Limo: Who do you think is the most underrated duo?

Human Ramp: Who is your favorite non-member that's appeared in the movies (this can include special guests)?

The Mini-Loop: Who is someone you wish they had as a guest?

The Rocky: Tremaine or Spike?

Super Mighty Glue: What is your all-time favorite Jackass movie? Or instead, rate them all from your favorite to least favorite.

Rent-A-Car Crash-Up Derby: What is your favorite .5 movie?

The Electric Stool: If you had to choose one Jackass movie to watch forever, which one would it be?

The Muscle Stimulator: What is your favorite 'Jackass the Series' episode?

Puppet Show: What is your favorite Jackass spin-off (Viva La Bam, Wildboyz, etc.)?

The Shoplifter: What is your favorite episode and bit from Viva La Bam?

The Marching Band: What is your favorite episode and bit from Wildboyz?

Electric Tap Dance: In your opinion, which movie had the best ending?

Lamborghini Tooth Pull: What are your thoughts on the ending of '3D'?

Poo Cocktail Supreme: Do you have any unpopular opinions on Jackass?

Bad Dog: What do you think is the most underrated piece of media from the Jackass franchise?

The Quiet Game: Do you have a favorite quote that came from Jackass? If so, what is it?

Bicentennial BMXing: What is your favorite song used in any of the Jackass movies?

Roller Buffalo: What is your favorite Roger Alan Wade song?

Riot Control Test: What is your favorite bit that Knoxville was in?

Alligator Tightrope: What is your favorite bit that Steve-O was in?

The Brand: What is your favorite bit that Bam was in?

Ass Kicked by Girl: What is your favorite bit that Dunn was in?

Electric Avenue: What is your favorite bit that Pontius was in?

The Boar-kake: What is your favorite bit that Dave was in?

Dum Dum Game: What is your favorite bit that Ehren was in?

Triple Wedgie: What is your favorite bit that Wee Man was in?

The Bungee Jump: What is your favorite bit that Preston was in?

Bicycle Backhand: What stunt/bit do you think is the most interesting?

Tee Ball: What stunt/bit do you consider to be the most dangerous/extreme?

Butt X-ray: Name the stunt/bit that made you laugh the most.

Vomitron: Name the stunt/bit that made you the most squeamish.

The Fish Hook: What stunt/bit is your favorite from each movie?

Duck Hunting: What stunt/bit is your all-time favorite?

Yellow Snowcone: If you had to place someone in a bit that they weren't part of, who would it be and what bit is it?

Anaconda Ball Pit: What stunt/bit is your favorite that includes an animal?

How to Milk a Horse: What stunt/bit is your favorite that includes skating?

The Leech Healer: Which stunt are you most likely to participate in? Or the one you'd like to have participated in the most (you will get hurt/deal with the consequences)? And oppositely, which stunt would you try if you could do it despite/without getting hurt?

Wind Tunnel: Which stunt would you have least liked to be part of?

The Ram Jam: How easy would it be for you to be talked into a stunt?

Mousetraps: Have you come up with any stunt/bit ideas of your own?

Musical Chair Bags: What is the worst injury you've ever had?

Firehose Rodeo: If you own any Jackass memorabilia/merch, what is your favorite thing that you own? What is the most interesting?

Beehive Tetherball: What made you want to create a Jackass blog/interact with the community?

The Strongman: Who is your favorite Jackass blog? Tag them!

The Jet Ski: Who would you want to be friends within the community but are too scared to interact with? Tag them (they just might want to be friends with you too)!

Scorpion Botox: What is your favorite piece fan created content (fanfictions, art, etc.)?

Pin the Tail on the Donkey: If you create things for Jackass, what are you the proudest of?

The Blindside: Tell your story of how you began to like Jackass. When was the first time you watched it?

Medicine Ball Dodgeball: Do you have any special memories that include Jackass? Do you have any funny ones?

Butt Chug: What is something you've found difficulty in loving about Jackass?

The Gauntlet: We all know that Jackass is very queer, are you part of the LGBTQIA+ community in any way? (Feel free to not answer if you're uncomfortable!)

The Swamp Chute: What do you think made you connect with Jackass the most?

Golf Course Airhorn: What Jackass member do you think you are the most like?

The Switcheroo: Which Jackass member do you think you could beat in a fight? Why?

Department Store Boxing: What is your favorite outfit that Knoxville has worn?

The Magic Trick: What is your favorite movie that Knoxville has been in aside from Jackass?

The Invisible Man: If you have watched 'Bad Grandpa,' what is your favorite part of it?

The Toro Totter: What bull stunt of Knoxville's is your favorite?

Big Red Rocket: Do you know Bucket (Knoxville and his girlfriend's dog)? If so, what is your favorite photo/video of her?

Flight of Icarus: What is your favorite Ramones song?

Old Man Balls: Have you ever watched or listened to an episode of 'Steve-O's Wild Ride' podcast? What are your thoughts on it? What's been your favorite episode?

Helicockter: What is your favorite CKY movie?

Whale Shark Gummer: What is your favorite HIM song?

The Fark Mask: Do you skate at all? Have you ever tried to?

The Bear Trap: What is your favorite tattoo that a Jackass member has?

Snake River Redemption: What cup test from 'Forever' was your favorite?

Terror Taxi: Do you think that Ehren gets picked on the most? If not, who do you think did? Who gets picked on the least?

Bungee Boogie: Would you want a 5th movie? Why or why not?

Sweatsuit Cocktail: Have you picked up any mannerisms from any of the members? If so, who and what did you pick up on?

Silence of the Lambs: Favorite Jackass fun fact?

Paper Cuts: Choose your own!

Special thanks to @b4mpyre-k1zz3s and @1991river for helping with some of the questions! And also @you-fuckers-are-asses for just being generally sweet to me <3

#jackass #ask game #jackass ask game #wildboyz #cky #PLEASE ask me any of these :]

[b4mpyre-k1zz3s]

Could you write some Bam x m!reader or even gn!reader? No specific requests,, smut fluff hurt/comfort I don’t care I just need more non f!reader Bam ficsssss 🥲

Bloodletting

A vampiric earl in ‘1880s London discovers a taste like no other, and an alcoholic surgeon finds someone who doesn’t mind the smell of death that clings to his clothes. It’s a win- win for both men.

Bam Margera X Masc!Reader

(Vampire!Au, Fluff, Angst)

6k Words

Warnings: Highly suggestive content, alcoholism, scent kink, biting, blood, injuries, descriptions of Victorian-era surgeries, vomiting, corpses, manipulation, bullying, kissing, possessive behavior, jealousy, slut shaming (metaphorical)

An: Thank you so much for the request! What is it with me and writing fanfiction about Bam and vampires? I also noticed that most jackass fan fictions are for fem!readers so I can see where you’re coming from! I always try to make an effort to write fics with Gn!Reader but I really do think I should write more Masc!Reader, so feel free to send in any requests you may have for this! Also the manor Bam lives I’min this fic was not so sneakily modeled after the one on the cover of Bara No Seidou by Malice mixer (bc their music also rly influenced this fic!) lol anyways thank you for the request and please keep them coming! :)

It's not uncommon to hear people say that their careers drive them to drink, but you were sure that you were the only man in London who could honestly say that yours was entirely responsible for your drinking habit. Three months ago, you graduated top of your general surgery class at St Damian Medical School and you had just now come to realize the kind of stress that came with the job. Who knew performing autopsies and amputations day in and day out isn’t exactly easy on the mind? Despite that, you couldn’t complain about the pay, not the great company you found to share a pint with down at the local pub. Well, a couple pints, and some gin, and maybe some whiskey if you had to break out the leeches that day. Point is, they didn’t seem to care nor notice the cadaverous smell of death and formaldehyde that seemed to linger around you once you got off work. But after all the fun ended, you would have to make the long, stumbling walk back to the East End slums you lived in by only the light of the gas lamps that lined the River Thames and try to get enough sleep to function the next morning.

This was one of those nights. Just as the AMs lazily rolled around, you decided to depart, waving goodbye to all your friends and starting out into the cool, yellow painted misty night. Laughing to yourself at something one of the fellows said earlier, you were already pretty dizzy as you trudged through the streets, eerily quiet save for the clammy winds that blew in from the riverfront. The water that collected in the cracks of the cobblestone rippled under your boots as you dragged your feet, drunkenly unaware of what was around you. But despite everything in your surroundings pointing to you being completely alone, you got the very strange feeling that something or someone was watching you. Shoving your hands in your pockets, you ignored the hairs that stood up on the back of your neck as you passed a dim alleyway, trying to ignore the shadow in the corner of your eye.

Out of the dense fog, a pair of strong arms that suddenly wrapped around your torso and pulled you off your feet put it in your mind just how bad a decision that was. Drawn far away from the reach of lamplight, you were too slow to react as your body fell back against a firm torso and you froze in fear. A dark, leather gloved hand seized your jaw and wrenched your head to one side while an arm snaked around your waist, holding you snugly against your assailant. A low, predatory chuckle rumbled out of the chest of whoever was holding you, breathing little puffs of white smoke against your skin as he leaned in close to your neck and took a deep inhale, much like how one would relish the scent of a delicious meal. There was something that came over you as you were trapped in the clutches of your captor that made your head swim that made it so you didn’t so much as thunk to squirm as you felt what seemed to be two needles just barely scrape your jugular vein before plunging deep into your neck.

The lascivious suckling and laving noises echoed against the brick walls of the alleyway as the man who had you in his arms pinned you to the rough stone. Pupils blown, your body trembled at the blissed out groan in your ear, entirely helpless as your knees went all weak and your heavy eyelids threatened to fall shut. Just as you were about to fall unconscious from blood loss, blood permitting your clothes, you collapsed backward against your captor and he placed a sloppy, open mouthed kiss to your still bleeding wound before unceremoniously letting your limp body fall to the ground. Staring down at the body at his feet, a dark, lustful glint flashed through his eyes as he licked up the rich, savory liquid that dripped from his lips.

The next morning, when you woke up in the alleyway without any memory of falling asleep there, you chalked it up as a nightmare. Simply standing up, you brushed the fronts of your trousers off and headed home to clean up before your next shift. Your pounding headache that you were sure resulted from drinking made your wince as you splashed water on your face, not noticing the two, swollen little marks that remained on your neck nor the blood that stained your collar that you were pretty sure was there before the previous night. With the work you had cut out for you that day, you couldn’t afford to be late that morning. For the past two weeks your superiors had been breathing down your neck about those bodies that had been washing up in the river- prostitutes, mostly, but there were some urchins in the mix as well. After ending up in your hands, the cause of death for the cadavers was impossible for you to identify no matter how many times you went through the list- no signs of a struggle or trauma, but no bloating from drowning. However, since you were a fresh face in the medical field, the last thing you wanted to do was discredit yourself, so you reported the cause of death as the latter.

As you hurried down your front steps, a large ship drifted down the river in front of your apartment, the hand painted script on the back indicating it was a part of Earl Margera’s cargo fleet. Rumor has it his family got their old money fortune from the opium trade, but that did nothing to halt business for him. If you were a person in London that needed to move things, he was the man to call. Recently, you had gotten word that the Earl would be holding another one of his yearly lavish galas at his manor that he lived in with his council (the group of men that advised his business decisions) and that all of London’s finest would be invited- the only reason his eccentric lordship would bother to make an appearance. Making your way into work, you thought about how women would throw themselves at his feet, almost literally sometimes, but the Earl would pay them about as much mind as he did to the men constantly trying to win his favor to get their hands on his vast fortune, a constitution you could respect on some level.

Blinking hard and trying to pull yourself together, you were tying up your stiff, blood stained surgical apron as you got ready to slice up the body of the day, when one of your coworkers came excitedly running up to you. He thrust a piece of paper into your hands, “Y/N! Y/N! Have you seen this?” Speculatively, you scanned over the yellowed, crinkled letter, your eyes widening at what you read. That gala- yes, the one at the Earl’s house- was not only a charity gala, but a charity gala for the hospital. A bewildered smile spread across your face as you processed the news, “Oh my…This is incredible!” Your mind went wild as you thought about it- perhaps with the money, you could afford to finally purchase a new set of surgical instruments or switch to chloroform for sedation instead of relying on alcohol! Oh, this just couldn’t get better. According to the letter, the ball would be held two weeks from that day, giving you ample time to receive your paycheck and purchase some formal clothes for the event.

The air was thick with tension as you stood in the Earl’s front room with all the other dignified guests, the sweet scent of Acanthus and Hemlock blossoms drifting in from the garden through the wide open front doors. Above you, a large, crystal chandelier hung from the peak of the ribbed vault ceiling, cascading light onto the tall columns that held up the balcony of the second story. The manor really was grand, in every sense of the word. While you were taking all this opulence in, the room fell silent at a high pitched whistle from the top of the staircase and everyone shifted their gaze towards the sound. You did too, just in time to catch the Earl hoping up to slide all the way down the long wooden banister of the staircase. Not exactly the entrance you expected of him, but when his Edwardian oxfords touched solid ground and everyone all rushed to have the first chance to speak to his lordship, you were more surprised to see him completely ignoring them, parting the crowd as he walked towards…you? Shocked as everyone else, you weren't sure how to respond as he reached out a waiting, gloved hand towards you with a smile, “It’s an honor to make your acquaintance, Doctor.” You were suddenly stricken by the realization that he really was as handsome as all those women said, not to mention charming. Quickly taking his hand, you searched your mind for an appropriate response, “A-An honor? Oh, my Lord- it is a privilege for me to make yours!” There was a look of satisfaction on his face at your social blunder, glancing around at the patrons crowded in the room.

With one hand, he gestured for the large pair of heavy, wooden double doors at the far end of the room and they opened towards the great hall as the Earl glanced over to you with those crystal blue eyes, his voice entirely level, “Walk with me. Let’s talk about those funds for the hospital.” Following at his heels, you felt like a man prostrating himself before a king, “Really, it cannot be understated how much your generous donation means to us, my Lord.” There was something so enamoring about his generosity that just swept you off of your feet. The sounds of the festivities echoed through the empty halls as he showed you around the palace grounds, the suits of armor and sarcophagi and all the other eclectic relics he had collected over the years littering the halls. “Oh, ten thousand pounds is nothing. It’s the least I could give.” There was something about him that made you feel so comfortable in his presence, and you started to let your guard down, just slightly.

“You know, something about you is really quite…familiar. Have you visited St. Thomas’ lately?” Musing, you walked at his side through the grand, tapestry lined halls while you thought back to the faces you regularly saw at the pub, now blurred by alcohol, as if he would ever find himself there. Your eyes wandered towards the skull of an animal you didn’t recognize that sat on a shelf and was being used as a bookend as his expression turned sour like it was an improper thing to suggest, “Oh. I don’t go to hospitals…But” There was this knowing glint in the Earl’s eye as he continued, speaking with a tone that suggested a double entendre, “I’ve spectated on the operating theater in the past, if that’s what you’re asking. I am…morbidly curious about the fragile balance between life and death, myself. I'm sure you could understand, doctor.” Oh, you had no clue. All those nights he spent in the shadow cloaked corner of that pub you so loved to frequent, sitting there with a pint and a rare steak in front of him while you were at the bar, whining about your job to whatever drunk sod was humoring you that night, watching…listening…waiting in anticipation for you to head home for the evening- thinking about the desert that would follow his meal.

The two of you paused in what appeared to be a study. On one end of the room was a large, hand carved wooden fireplace, the mantle of which sat a candlestick holder that, if you had a less keen eye, you wouldn’t have recognized as having been fashioned from a human spine, and a glass vase containing an arrangement of roses, lilies, orchids, and irises, all white and all having seemed to have gone off a while ago. Above the mantle was where your focus was drawn, this large, regal portrait of the Earl, looking all serious and wistful in clothes that cost more than your year’s salary. Fascinated, you turned to study it in awe for a moment, but silently, and unbeknownst to you, the Lord had been carefully observing you in the study, like a hungry wolf watching a rabbit. The proximity of your bodies went completely unnoticed by the Earl in favor of the now exposed patch of skin below your ear. Oh, this was too good. He could practically hear your heartbeat thrumming from where he stood- feel the blood coursing through your veins. It was all so…tempting. Tremoring a little, he had to exercise the highest of restraint not to seize you right there- it would be so easy too, just to wrestle you down onto the velvet chaise lounge you were standing next to and bury his face into the space between your chin and shoulder. Boarding on fantasy, the Earl let himself get lost, imagining the way your squirming and whining would ease up once he’d gotten done lapping up all the warm blood squirting from your wounds. Clearing his throat together, Earl Margera cleared his throat, “We should, um- we should get going. I believe dinner is being served.”

The meal you ate was the height of decadence. Brimming trays of succulent pheasant, rare steaks, and legs of mutton larger than your head ran down the long table in between centerpieces of Nightshade and Lavender, flanked by crisp salads and potatoes with steaming baskets of dinner rolls served with butter and honeycomb, not to mention the assortment of trifles and puddings the waitstaff rushed to the table on ruby red Cape Cod glass platters. It was more food than you had seen in one place in your entire life, and yet you found your attention so drawn to the man sitting at the end of the table- so much so that you hardly cared that your meal was getting cold. He told these grand, winding stories of his world travels that all his suck up guests tried really really hard to be interested in, but you couldn’t help yourself from hanging on every word. Sipping wine from the silver chalice that sat in front of you that always seemed to get topped off when you looked away, it was like your mind was lost in some seductive trance you couldn’t seem to break free from, but you were of sound enough mind to remember quite a few details from that evening. Namely when his Lordship approached you personally and asked you, for the sake of ease of communication, to forgo all the formalities that came with his title, and that he would prefer you call him by his given name, Brandon. More than that, he would like to meet you again- one on one, to further discuss those donations for the hospital. You suggested lunch. He said he would prefer dinner.

There was something so enchanting about the Earl that kept you in high spirits far after your first encounter and well into the next week at work. You must have been quite a sight for any onlookers, seeing a man performing an autopsy with a lovesick smile plastered on his face. Before, you could hardly complete an operation without needing to flee the room halfway through to vomit, but now you had no problem with the whole thing. The waterlogged woman Scotland Yard lugged to your table still had her stockings on as you started the external examination, thinking back to that evening while you examined for physical trauma on the neck and arms. Feeling cold skin under your gloved hand, you recalled that the Earl- sorry, Brandon had made mention of an affinity for Blackcurrant pastilles, which you thought was sweet, though it was strange for a man- wait a moment. Leaning closer, you noticed something- two small, hollow marks on the woman’s neck, as if made by a seven gauge needle.

More disturbing was the resemblance it bore to the very same marks you had been waking up to on your neck. The operating room suddenly felt much quieter than you remembered. Swallowing hard, you took out your clipboard and, with a shaking hand, went to write it down before hesitating. A cold sweat collected on your brow and it was like some instinct inside of you told you not to- it could have been a mole or something- maybe your eyes were playing tricks on you. Yes, that was it, your late nights were catching up to you. Steadying your hand, you put down the pen before reaching for the hand saw that sat at your side and made a mental note to visit the library after work. Maybe you could find some medical textbook that could explain all this away as some biological reaction or benign infection or something reassuring that you missed back in school. You also made note to purchase those pastilles while you were out.

Just as you went to leave work, someone stopped you with a hand on your shoulder, and as you were distracted with thoughts of your dinner that night, you jumped a little at the stern voice of your coworker, “Y/N. Where on earth are you hurrying off to?” Turning to him, you were still a little shaken up as you stammered, pulling your apron off, “Oh! I’m, uh- I’m headed off to dinner.” His expression seemed to soften a little at that, almost looking amused, “A date- is that right? You know, for a second I thought you were off to see somebody else.” Despite his calm words, the look in his eyes gave way to the jealousy sitting just under the surface. You had noticed people at work had been treating you…differently after you went to that party. Even the pat on the back you got from him felt ingenuine as he spoke stiffly, “Well, good luck with your lady friend.”

When you knocked on the double doors of the manor’s entrance dressed in your finest, you suddenly became conscious of the way you smelled of work. Usually, all that it took to get it off was a hot shower, but somehow tonight it seemed to cling to you more than before, but before you could think much of it, a member of the Earl’s council opened the door. He was a young man- well built and tall, with dark hair and eyes obscured by a pair of tinted glasses. He seemed a little too eager to welcome you in, watching you as you stepped through the door, “Oh, you must be the guest Bam was talkin’ about!” Bam? You recalled a mention of it being the childhood nickname of the Earl, but didn’t know his council would address him so informally. The American accent of the man who answered the door struck you as peculiar, but you brushed it off as something else caught your attention. There was a stack maybe a meter high of boxes, all varying sizes, that sat haphazardly tossed next to the door, all addressed from women. Upon further examination, you noticed that they were all boxes of blackcurrant pastilles, just like the ones you brought for the Earl. It was common knowledge that he had quite a few lady admirers, but this seemed excessive.

When you looked up, it seemed your arrival had brought quite a bit of attention to yourself as, from seemingly nowhere, you had attracted a crowd. They must not get a lot of guests around here, you thought, swallowing hard and trying to ignore how you felt like a zebra that had just stumbled into a den of ravenous lions from the way they were staring at you. But just at that moment, that’s when you felt a hand grab yours and quickly tug you away to safety. “Doctor! What a pleasure to see you again.” You couldn’t explain the wave of relief that washed over you when you heard his voice because you didn’t feel that you were in any danger in the first place, but there was some instinct in you that told you otherwise. “Are these for me?” Walking in step with you, Brandon peered curiously at the green silk wrapped box in your hands and you nodded. “You are too kind.” Taking them, he placed them on a table away from the other boxes, and just out of your sight, flipped a crude gesture at his dejected councilmen who were all disappointed they didn’t get to you first.

The Earl seemed more comfortable with you now than he was at your first encounter as he ate with you in the smaller, less formal dining parlor that was shuttered off to most guests. On the table was a more simple but nonetheless impressive meal- a spiced ham, mock turtle soup, Yorkshire pudding, and a treacle tart served with custard. The mahogany dining table was lit by a candelabra, the only light in the room since the heavy, purple velvet curtains were pulled closed. The striking details of his face looked even more alluring in the shadows, refined- like it was chiseled out of alabaster by some great sculptor. Sipping from the black crystal glass in his hand, Brandon raised an eyebrow at you from across the table, “Any stories from the ward, doctor?” Perhaps it was the wine, but the way he addressed you by your title made your heart flutter. Still, you composed yourself, clearing your throat, “Well, in fact, I do. For weeks now, the police have have been discovering these- these bodies in the River Thames,” Hesitating for a moment, you debated if this was appropriate conversation for dinner, but you took the fact he hadn’t stopped you as encouragement to continue, “and I still haven’t been able to deduce the cause of death!” Brandon simply nodded, watching you with half lidded eyes. Using one finger, you gestured towards your neck and continued with a slight tremble in your voice, “The only thing they have in common are these…odd marks that usually sit right above the jugular vein. And get this- I have observed similar marks on myself! I am led to believe I’m the only surviving man in London with these…” You didn’t notice the little glint in the Earl’s eye as you tilted your jaw to the side, revealing how Ecchymosis had painted your skin in these exquisite blossoms of purple and green that were previously hidden under your collar.

“Oh, how odd...” Bam wasn't really listening to you talk, but he did a damn good job at pretending he was looking at you and not just what was throbbing right underneath your skin. Maybe it was the alcohol content, but there was something so intoxicating about your blood, better than any opium or wine or sexual perversion known to his lordship. It was the taste, something far superior to any other human Bam had laid his mouth on- sweeter than dark treacle and richer than custard, an exotic, tender savor only enhanced by the intoxicating aroma that clung to your hair and clothes- that titillating stench of death. Oh, and the way you fought. Your little struggles were so useless- so benign to Bam that they were cute, in the same way a mouse thinks it can escape the jaws of a python by squeaking. You were an absolute feast for the senses. If his mouth never left your neck and the only thing he did all day was to suck from you, he would be the happiest man in the world. Alas, you were both men with careers and people that would notice if they suddenly stopped appearing in public. But that could always change.

Maybe you weren't as sneaky about your drinking habits as you thought you were based on how often the Earl ordered your glass to be refilled. The longer the night went on, the more and more you felt that your inhibitions were slipping away until it was time to leave. Standing up, you were unsteady on your feet and wobbled a bit, lightheaded from the alcohol. Brandon rushed to your side, placing one hand on your waist and his other hand intertwining his fingers with yours to steady you. With how he was holding you so close to his body like one would hold a lover, it was some sort of instinct that led you to lean towards him, pressing your lips together. But he didn’t seem shocked that you kissed him- in fact, the Earl almost seemed pleased as you staggered backwards, flushed as the wine taste of his tongue still lingered on your lips. “Oh my…! I apologize for being so, uh- so forward, sir.” Hushing you softly, his voice was perfectly level as he spoke, taking a step towards you, “There’s no need to apologize, doctor.” Brandon’s gloved fingers met your chin as he gently tilted your head to get you to meet his gaze, “Let’s say this feeling is…mutual.” And he smiled at you- a smile you weren't sure was comforting or predatory. “Now, you should be getting home.”

Bam wanted to kiss you more- from your feet to the tips of your ears, he would worship your body if he got the chance. Delectable in every sense of the word, this doctor was just too good to be true, he thought. This pliant, innocent man was almost literally sticking out his neck to him. Your every action was so perfect, so delicate in the Earl’s eyes, and to put it simply, he was addicted to you. He could drain you completely- gulp down every last ounce of blood you had in you and dump your body in the river like all the others he’d had his fill of, but more than how sinfully delicious you tasted, Bam loved the game- the hunt. Watching you stumble over your own feet as you walked home from his high perch on the roof of the manor, peering out from where he sat on one of the flying buttresses that held up the roof of the manor, Bam licked his lips. You were fun to play with, what with how easily he could make you blush and stammer and just surrender with the slightest of efforts, and more so how you hadn’t a single inkling of suspicion as to how he could sway you so easily. The mingling of saliva and blood may be the highest form of connection in Bam’s eyes, but what he had with you superseded that. And you hadn’t a clue.

They had stopped talking to you at work. You didn’t pay much mind to the glares of the bitter murmurs of ‘lapdog’ and ‘lickfinger’ you caught in the halls of the hospital from people who were once your friends, but even your superiors were avoiding you like the plague. Still, you had bigger things to worry about- those bodies, namely, of whom you had started coming to a conclusion about. After nights in the library spent studying books upon books, there was this creature you had come upon- from China and India and Greece, the walking undead that feasted on the vital essence of human man. Moreso, those marks on the necks of the victims and yes, yours as well, matched up with the scars one may bear after an attack by one of those beasts.

With no more friends to speak of for arbitration, you received your summons in the post: you were needed at the Earl’s manor the next day as he had fallen ill with consumption in the two weeks since your last meeting. More than that, he had requested you by name. Clearly the situation must be dire, given his lordship’s distaste for hospitals and the fact many people see surgeons such as yourself as a last resort, saved for only the most grim circumstances. There was something in you that made you nervous at the thought of seeing him again that you couldn’t explain, like how a maiden may feel about seeing her suitor. Perhaps it was just nerves, or you were just unsure about being the sole person responsible for saving the life of such an influential, wealthy man. Perhaps.

If you thought the Margera Manor looked impressive from the bottom of the hill it sat on, you were absolutely gobsmacked when you looked at it head on, and if you didn’t know any better you would’ve thought you were entering a cathedral, what with all the pointed windows and spires. Your steps echoed on the stone terrace as you looked around at the garden, now far less cheery as fall had stolen the green from the trees and plants, leaving them skeletons that were perfecting roosting places for crows whose loud caws made you jump as you went to knock. The front door was…unlocked, swinging open under your slight nudge. Dressed in the extent of protective garb with your leather bound medical kit in tow, you crept into the seemingly empty mansion and realized just how empty it felt without some party or dinner to fill the halls. Sure, the knives of this and masks of that the Earl had picked up in his travels still hung on the walls, and the opaline glass oil lamps in the hall were still lit, but there was something profoundly empty about the manor. Slowly walking the wooden staircase, past the large portrait paintings that hung on the walls, you made your way upstairs.

“Hello, sir…?” Slipping through the Earl’s bedroom door, you expected the worst of consumption- open sores, weeping lesions, coughing up blood mucus, etcetera, but even from across the room the worst symptom you could discern was a light sweat on his brow. Sure, he was deathly pale, but he was always that pale, and you recalled the darkness around his eyes as having been there from your first meeting. Lit only by the red silk lamp in the far corner of that room that smelled of clove and patchouli, he looked rather beautiful for a man, almost fragile- but nothing like the people on death’s door that you saw at the hospital. Brandon’s half lidded eyes met your and he coughed slightly, his voice raspy and weak, “Doctor.” Moving to his bedside, you placed your leather case of medical instruments on the nearby table next to a small stack of Penny-Dreadfuls that sat there and helped him to sit upright with your hands under his arms. “What sort of symptoms have you been experiencing as of late?” There was this odd feeling that came over you as you touched his bare torso that you couldn’t place as your eyes scanned over him, fixating on the strange design that sat low on his hips, right where the silk linens pooled around him- a tattoo of sorts? The swirling, dark ink was beautiful, drawing your eyes to his Apollo's belt.

“I am just…terribly famished.” Brandon sighed under your touch, and as you continued feeling his skin under your fingertips, that’s when you noticed something- he was cold. Deathly cold, and his body bore no evidence of the telltale wasting consumption brought on. Disturbed, your eyes went wide but you made no other mention of it as you reached into your bag and retrieved your stethoscope. Be professional. Tend to the patient. But as you pressed the circular end to the left side of the Earl’s chest, you were shocked to hear…nothing. The lack of mucus in his lungs did not shock you nearly as much as the complete absence of a heartbeat. The only sound in the room was Brandon’s soft breathing as he studied you, expectantly leaning over your hands as you worked. Watching. Waiting.

You doubted it at first. It seemed the stuff of fairytales, that the Earl could be something other than human, but it was all consistent with the lore you had been reading up on. Part of you was curious about him- after all, you dealt in the morbid, so it made sense for a scientific mind such as yourself to find his case fascinating. But on the other hand, it chilled you to the bone to know that this man you had been growing so close to, could be some sort of monster- some creature that delighted in feeding on the blood of men. You cursed yourself for not realizing this sort of thing sooner as a chill ran through your bones at the situation your trusting nature had gotten yourself into. Quivering, and against all your better judgment, you slowly looked up to meet his hungry, nearly salivating gaze.

And before you could think to react, he grabbed you by the shoulders and you were underneath him, back pressed against the bed. Heart nearly thumping out of your chest, your body was caged in, absolutely captured by the Earl’s as he leaned over you and in your mind there was absolutely no doubt of his intentions. Warm breath gracing your skin, his too sharp canines grazing against where sensitive nerves and thick, tender arteries run just below the skin felt so tantalizing, but Bam hesitated. Why aren't you fighting? In all his fantasies about this exact moment, you would be writhing about like a scared and wounded animal right about now, all squealing and wriggling and begging for him to oh please please spare you, but you were entirely willing, perfectly still and silent save for the swell of your breathing. However, the promise of satiating his hunger was just too alluring and he couldn’t not resist, sinking his teeth into you anyways. Your breath hitching in your throat, this foul, sweet smell rose up from where his fangs had visceraly penetrated you and Bam nearly moaned at the exquisite taste of the sanguine amber that trickled slow and thick from you. Hemorrhaging there, all tangled up in the red silk sheets of the Lord’s bed and, in addition, entirely sober, you couldn’t escape the realization that this actually felt somewhat…enjoyable. In fact, you really could get used to this. Eyes glazing over, you stifled a groan at the feeling of him flicking the tip of his tongue against one of the little dribbling slits as you began to teeter on that romantic, presyncopic border between consciousness and sleep, limbs tingling while you slowly drifted off into twilight.

You blinked awake in that very same four post baldachin bed with a distinct chill which you would come to attribute to the wide opened double doors of the Earl’s balcony. Long, white marquisette curtains billowed in the night as the moonlight cascaded in so brilliantly. Silhouetted by the moon’s opalescent glow, there he stood- naked and beautiful. Sensing your stirring, Bam turned toward you, the toned muscles of his back flexing as he studied your expression. Slowly, he approached where you lay, looking down at you with those piercing blue eyes as he stood at your bedside. “Ah, my prince is awake.” There was a distinct tone of amusement in his voice as he spoke to you with newfound affection. Sensing your apprehension as you looked up at him with those wide eyes, Bam sighed, reaching a hand out towards you in an empathetic gesture, “I’ve been in your shoes before, Y/N. I know exactly how you feel.” Gently, very gently, he caressed your cheek fondly as he mused. “You have…nothing. Life has no meaning anymore, does it?” You shook your head and the Earl smiled. “I can fix that.” Leaning down closer to you, he spoke low, in a voice as smooth as whiskey and just as sweet, “Would you like me to?” And you nodded.

#jackass #bam margera #johnny knoxville #jackass fanfiction #jackass fanfic #fluff #jackass x reader #bam margera x reader #i listened to a LOT of Depeche Mode while writing this #cough cough #songs of faith and devotion

[b4mpyre-k1zz3s]

Me if you even care 0:

#keykey #<33333

[b4mpyre-k1zz3s]

Custody Battle for Key Key (ie Himself v. Margera)

As illustrated by the incredible courtroom sketch artist @twiggibranch :)

#jackass #bam margera #raab himself #johnny knoxville #cky crew #jackass fanart #yes this is referencing the bayou episode of Viva La Bam

[b4mpyre-k1zz3s]

Rules of the Harem

Y/N lives a life not many women can say they have: she spends her days in a luxurious, gothic mansion with America's hottest gang of freaks at her beck and call. Now, how on earth did all of this begin?

Johnny Knoxville X Fem!Reader, Chris Pontius X Fem!Reader, Steve-O X Fem!Reader, Bam Margera X Fem!Reader

(Fluff)

2.7k Words

Warnings: Extremely suggestive content, alcohol, friends to lovers, friends with benefits, drug use, injury, heavily implied sexual content, threesomes, premature ejaculation

An: Hello! This fic was inspired by this post by one of my friends, @xxxmargeraxxx! I couldn’t get this concept out of my head, no matter how hard I tried, and I think this has enough potential to become a series! Anyways, thank you so much for sending in requests, and please keep them coming!! :)

Upon hearing rumors of your living arrangements, people usually ask you one of two questions: ‘why would you do that to yourself?’ or ‘how the hell did all of this start?’. The former was pretty easy to answer- you liked it, however unconventional it seemed to others. You were like Hugh Hefner, only instead of living in the Hollywood Hills, your mansion was situated practically on the sand of the sunny, Miami coastline. The only other difference between the two of you was that instead of having flocks of girls in tiny satin one-pieces and bunny ears, you got your pick of the gaggle of half naked dudes running around your house. The latter question, however, that one’s a little trickier.

It started when, one day, out of the blue, one of your buddies from way back asked if he could crash for a week or two- said he was filming something in Florida and staying at your place would be cheaper than getting a hotel, which you happily obliged to because A: he was right and B: friends let friends sleep at their houses, especially when they have six guest rooms. You hadn’t seen him in a while, anyways- why not take the time to catch up a little? That night, over a few drinks, Johnny let you in on what he was working on - this pilot for MTV he was making with Jeff and Chris and the rest of the guys from that magazine he was writing for. “Hell, they don’t even know i’m here!” He chuckled, jabbing a thumb behind him, “Told ‘em I was stayin’ at the Motel 6 down the road.” You cracked a grin at his lie, sitting back in your patio chair as the blue light from the pool cascaded over the two of you. “When d’you gotta be up tomorrow?” Johnny shrugged, taking a swig of his beer, “Noon. As long as I get back there ‘round then, they won’t suspect a thing!”

So for the rest of the evening, you and Johnny went back and forth, talking for hours. He told you that they were going to meet this professional clown guy named Steve-O tomorrow who works with this flea market circus and who always gets great footage (or at least, really liked lighting himself on fire), and later that month they were flying out to Pennsylvania of all places to film with this professional skateboarder whose name you couldn’t quite remember given that you were pretty damn wasted by that point in the night. And as the evening went on, the topic of relationships came up, and you drunkenly relented to your best friend that the single life was torture. If you could die from not getting dick, you were on your last legs. Despite your dramatics, Johnny could sympathize with that- all those weeks on the road were wearing him pretty thin, he told you, looking at you from under those half lidded eyes which you couldn’t tell if they had grown that dark from exhaustion or desire. He cleared his throat, making eye contact with you, “Y’know, maybe there’s a solution that could help both’a us out…” Johnny proposed nonchalantly, “It’s just what friends do, y’know?”

Waking up in the same bed as your best friend made you realize something. Looking at the way the sunlight filtered in through the open, floor to ceiling antique stained glass windows made the tan muscles of his back just glow as he lay half-asleep, tangled up in your silk sheets made you realize how much you really liked having a man in your bed- not just any man, but him. And after a few moments he stirred a little, sat up with a tired groan, and then offered to cook you breakfast. Yep. That’s how your friendship with Johnny turned into a friends-with-benefitship.

Johnny didn’t return to Miami until after that pilot thing aired. Not only did they get the show picked up, but MTV wanted another season, and that meant more filming. The evening he flew in, he called you to meet up with him and the rest of his buddies from the show (minus those guys from Philadelphia- their flight was delayed till tomorrow) at this rinky-dink little shithole bar. But he didn’t introduce you as the lady who’s house he stays at and who he occasionally fucks- you were just Y/N. His awesome lady friend Y/N who lives in a mansion and has a pool- something that couldn’t be said about the hotel they were set up at, and that piqued Chris’ interest. It was the dead of summer in Florida, after all, and nothing feels better after a long day of banging yourself up than a nice cool swim. So when he asked to stop by sometime, you were eager to invite him over the next day they were off from shooting.

Peering out from your open kitchen window that afternoon Chris visited, you could barely believe what was happening. There you had two very attractive young men, one of which you were definately going to screw later, lounging around your pool in their swimsuits without a care in the world, all sun kissed and glistening. That’s the moment your idea of what you wanted changed- don’t get me wrong, you still lusted after Johnny like no tomorrow, but there was something with the idea of having more than one man to pick from that stirred something in you. It also helped that you were really into Chris’ whole long haired surfer dude thing he had going on- he was like a big, perverted golden retriever, and you weren't ashamed to say that you went for the dumb, jockish ones. Maybe you had him over for more than just wanting to help him cool off a little, but it’s not like you could blame yourself- he was right there. So as you finished whipping up the batch of strawberry daiquiris you were in the kitchen to make in the first place, you thought up a damn genius plan. And, taking a deep breath, you strutted out onto the pool deck in your little swimsuit with drinks in hand, sitting down at the edge of the pool deck to dangle your legs in the water right in front of Chris. Leaning forward, you asked him in flirtiest tone you could muster, “How’d you feel about stayin’ the night?”

Grinning, Chris took the drink you handed him and chuckled at your flirting, “Sure!” As you sat back with your own frosty drink, Johnny eyed you from the other side of the pool, his expression difficult to read due to those sunglasses that never left his face. You knew he wasn't the jealous type, but there was a distinct curiosity to his body language as he watched you (his friend) flirt back and forth with Chris (his other friend). As Chris started spending more and more time around the house, you discovered he had a talent for making you feel like the most perfect woman in the world, and not even just with his words or compliments. Whenever you’d walk in the room, he would just smile and look you up and down and give you that cute, sexy look. And you’d pinch his cheek and he’d laugh that dopey stoner laugh and it was just so sweet- he had this way of just anticipating whatever you needed to hear at a given moment.

So like that, the one guy you were screwing that night turned into two guys, and the next morning, before they slipped off to join back up with the rest of the crew, you let them know that they could come by anytime. Johnny and Chris told you they would be more than happy to stop by and pay their favorite girl a visit, and you felt a strange sense of pride at what you had. Sure, the arrangement was a little unconventional, but it was undeniably yours. Not to mention, you had something to look forward to. Pontius let it slip last night during pillow talk after Knoxville was out cold that they were starting work on a movie, and the two of them would certainly need a place to stay.

Filming for a movie is a lot different than filming for a tv show, namely that you have more time off. There would be days at a time where it would just be you, Chris, and Johnny at your beck and call, sitting around or doing whatever they felt like around the house until you gave them a wave of your hand and gave one of them an order: “Chris, honey- can you draw me a bath?” “Johnny, do you think you could rub my back?” “Both of you, meet me in my bedroom in five!” And they were both eager to jump at whatever you had in mind.

You know how Johnny was real discreet about what he and you got up to behind closed doors and the conditions your relationship operated on? Well, while he meant well, Chris just didn’t have it in him to keep secrets, especially from his best buddy Steve-O who he knew would just love this super sweet rich lady Knoxville was hanging out with. Once he started showing up (completely unannounced, by the way), you didn’t really say anything because you didn’t mind his presence and entertaining antics- what with all the jumping off of surfaces and lighting himself on fire. And you didn’t have to worry about Steve’s performance in bed not measuring up to that of the other two because he barely even made it to the bed in the first place. Sure, occasionally try to join you and Chris, but after taking about three steps into the room, he’d just stop for a second, turn around, and walk back where he came from, muttering to himself, “I’m out...” But that isn’t to say he wasn’t affectionate- in fact, due to his tendency to get his boxers glued to his left leg before the clothes came off, Steve compensated in other ways. If you weren't knocked out in bed with Johnny or Chris at the end of the night (or hell, even if you were), he would jump in under the covers next to you, wrapping those wiry arms of his around your waist and pulling you close to nuzzle his face into the crook of your neck. As unappealing as it may sound, you never slept better than with Steve, that ole’ cuddle bug.

However, as the days went on, you found yourself spending more of your time with the guys outside of the bed rather than in it. As you wandered around the mansion grounds, you took note of what you usually caught them doing because, after all, they would be staying with you for a while and you wanted to know how to keep your men happy. Johnny was easy, usually lazing around on the red velvet chaise lounge that sat in your living room while watching tv or nursing whatever fresh injury he got on set that week with a bag of frozen peas. You’d plop down on the couch next to him and idly chat about whatever was going on on Tv, while Chris was often found on your rooftop sun deck, working out and getting all bronze up there- a sight you never got tired of. Steve, on the other hand, really made it a struggle to keep track of him. He was all over the place, just sorta lurking around or high off of whatever he could get his hands on if he wasn’t attempting some ridiculous stunt. On the off occasion you could actually find him, he was usually sat slumped over against the wall or arch or column, and as you’d walk by, he’d chuckle a little or lay his head against your leg like some weird family dog. In fact, the four of you really were like a big, happy, kinda fucked up family.

Eventually, Bam started getting curious about where the hell those three kept screwing off to, but he never got a straight answer from Chris or Knoxville when he pressed them about it. On the other hand, Steve was more than happy to vividly describe that smokin’ hot rich lady Pontius introduced him to who lets them stay at her huge ass mansion in exchange for, get this- them letting her fuck them whenver she wants. It’s basically a porno set-up. You can kind of see how the words got twisted as they wound through the grapevine? But, of course, that sounded like a dream to Bam, and he just had to get in on that.

So he stood there on your doorstep in his swim trunks and t-shirt because he wanted to at least pretend he was coming for that pool he’s heard so much about. And god, when you opened the door you could hear his jaw hit the doormat. Bam knew you were hot before he showed up but, Jesus- this lady was hot. He was never one to be nervous around chicks, but you left him speechless. “Are you, uh- are you Y/N?” Sure, you’d never met the guy who was standing on your doorstep before, and it wasn't typical of you to invite strangers into your home, but you found the way he looked at you with those big ole’ eyes kinda cute. A plan started to form in your mind and you decided to mess with him a little, “Mmhm.” At that point, the guys had started to take notice of what was happening and started gathering around behind you to watch the show. Bam still tried to sound all cool and confident as he rambled, “I'm a friend’a Knoxville’s- you know, the skater one? He’s probably brought me up before.” That’s the guy? Leaning against the doorframe, you checked him out, “So you’re Bam, right?” He nodded quickly and you cracked a grin, “Well, we’ve gotta rule around here.” From behind you, Johnny raised his eyebrows and gave him a nod as you gestured with one hand, “No shirts for guys. So…” Bam blinked in delete if for a moment as he realized shit, this woman was serious. But all the other guys in the house were fully dressed? Ah, fuck it. Bam tugged off his shirt. Part of him didn’t wanna give in too quickly, but damn it, he just couldn’t get over the way you were looking him up and down like that- not that he would admit how much it got to him.

After you invited him in, that’s when things started getting fun. See, Bam was really eager for you to like him- and I mean really eager, so he spent the entire time trying to impress you. Like when everyone was sitting around the pool drinking or idly swimming, he’d ‘accidently’ flex his muscles while toweling off directly in your line of sight, or if you so much as mentioned that you were thirsty, he’d go running to grab you a drink from the cooler. You weren't in the market for a servant boy, but Bam’s restless pursuit of your attention was endearing, and you wouldn’t mind having something like that around the house. Sitting next to you on the other pool lounge chair, Johnny leaned over to whisper in your ear, “If I were you, Y/N, I’d keep an eye on him. Seems like he’s just dyin’ for your attention.” He certainly would liven things up around the place. It’d be like having a puppy around, only with less leg humping. Oh hell, he’d probably do that too if you gave him the word.

And that’s how everything came together. Now every time Jackass came to Florida to film, your house would be filled with life and chaos and all the men you could stomach for a few glorious weeks. And you wouldn’t have it any other way. Sure, there would be some hiccups along the way, and rules eventually had to be made, but we’ll get into those at a later time. For now, you had a new addition to your little menagerie, and you knew exactly how you wanted to celebrate the occasion.

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