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“If they miss you, they’ll call. If they want you, they’ll say it. If they care, they’ll show it. And if not, they aren’t worth your time.”

— Lessons Learned in Life

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I miss him. But I would not change anything.

His self destruction is like a ticking time bomb, it doesn't just implode, it explodes and hurts everyone close by. And I was the closest to him. I never want to be that close ever again.

11/03/23

#2024 #🐀

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Grief

I want to be loved.

I want to be missed.

I want to be wanted.

But instead I let go.

Even if I still love them.

Even if I still miss them.

But I can't bring myself to want it anymore.

1/3/24

#2024 #i dont know how to love people properly #🐀

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Forgotten

I don't like myself when I miss you. You're so much happier without me, it feels wrong to wish for you.

28/02/24

#literally forgotten #i fell so isolated being the only person who remembers #i dont consider mysepf a very private person #but woth you forgetting everything #im realising how it was only is who had this shared history #i didn't realise how many things only you understood about me until you stopped understanding and there was suddenly this void #i frequently think about moving #a fresh start away from everything that has an imprint of you or the others #but when i think of where i would want to go #i just want to go home #i wish i could forget too #2024 #🐀

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Sometimes i think it's all in my head, I feel pretty embarrassed. Your confirmation that it's a shared delusion is addictive.

25/02/24

#romantic attraction feels like a mental illness tbh #2024

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Stoned

A weight I am.

Enveloped at the point of contact.

Grass, carpet, or bedding.

Such pleasant memories, of finally finding comfort in you.

A heaviness I am.

Such pleasant present moments.

Soon to forget how to feel this.

But yes, I'll always remember this comfort.

24/2/24

#writing while not quite sober was an experience #it felt eaiser to put the words down #i havent ever felt like being intoxicated allows me to behave more freely or care less of what other people think #but in this context i think i see it #2024

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Far from the tree

My atheist hands would craft you a thousand crosses, and place each x as a kiss.

19/2/24

#2024 #unconditional love has been beautiful to give to someone #🌹 #if they were the same as me that would be such a loss #having different faiths is but one example of a way that the are their own unique self #and it brings me so mych joy to love them #if ever someone tries to make you exactly like them. that is not love.

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I am greif stricken to imagine your grief.

Wild with worry.

I wish to be with you, if not just to know the relief of being able to hold you while you cry.

17/2/24

#greif #comforting others #2024

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Becoming the reader

I outgrow my old writing,

It no longer reflects myself.

Yet it can still move me.

16/2/24

#writing is a strange place to see the person you are changing #it makes me wonder about the value of memories #memories being a game of whispers that we play with ourselves #where each rendition of ourself recalls what was passed on slightly differently #so what worth do they really have #2024

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Bitter medicine

I had always thought to myself, that if he was really sorry, if he had really thought about it, he'd want to kill himself. In his apologies there had always been this trap, that the apologies were to ensure that you stayed.

So when I saw him crying, about how he can't stop thinking that his life was a mistake. My gut said it was a trap. But slowly it unfolded, and little by little it was true, if he were truely sorry, if he had truely thought about it, he'd want to kill himself. And here we were.

That was how I found myself saying I appreciated him, that I loved him, that it was going to be okay. And I meant it.

11/23

#tw suicide #healing is sometimes fucked up #abuse #2023

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Waking

In this dream, we were playing, flirting really, like usual, but it changed. Our faces were close like usual, but there was a moment, a breath, which we could extend. And in this dream you did.

But I woke up.

Disappointment can feel so blissful.

19/11/23

#lgbt #romantic attraction #2023

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Stupid

I think I maybe want their hands running down my waist, catching on fabric, lingering at the edges of seams. Fingertips wandering along the border line. Imagining the boundary between friendship and this, pretending it exists, pretending we haven't crossed it already.

The palm of your hand flat on my skin, on fat, on, muscle, on bone. It's as if I can feel it through you. Maybe because I've touched myself a million times wishing it were your hands instead.

Hoping you wanted to, well, kiss me... Distracted me from noticing you wanted to... Well... Did you want to?

2/11/23

#romance #romantic attraction #lgbt #gay yerning will be the death of me #this writting can be added to the lsit of reasons why this blog never sees the light of day #i wonder why i find it so difficult to accept that i feel this way #2023

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Hereditary

I looked in my face and I saw my mother's face, and my father's face. I know they looked at me with a look of love like the one I saw on my face. Love as non judgment. And I think of how I will look upon my child.

22/10/23

#2023 #🍄

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Comforting

I think I'm in a body that leans towards emptiness. Dissociation, feeling good when starved. Comfortable when there's nothing more. It makes me think that I am ready to die. Like this is the last lifetime I'll be alive.

22/10/23

#2023 #🍄 #tw ed

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Choice

I remember when our mum was pregnant, and we were walking along the cobbled streets of Venice. Mum said to me "do you know that babies can hear you speak?" And I did not know that.

I then spent the rest of that day singing to you.

When you were born you were so pink, and I could see every birth mark, you had this huge one on the back of your head. They all faded over the next few months.

I remember so vividly when you were one week old, you had been home from the hospital for only a few days. I already had a habit of sneaking into your room to hold you.

You had this toy that would play little bits of music, and I would play fur Elise for you over and over. There were two other songs but I can't remember them now.

It was looking down on your face, on this particular day, that I made a choice. For as long as I live, I was for you.

In the present, I have some friends who look at our situation and say "just remember that you didn't choose to have a kid, it isn't fair for you to have to..." And I understand why they would say this. But I did choose, it might not be traditional, but I truly did choose you.

28/8/23

#2023 #chosen family #🌹

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Jaded

Grandmother was good with words.

"You'll always be my Dee" 

See how eloquently she stated the distance between us.

25/8/23

#trans #2023

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25/100

I went to a hundredth birthday party the same week Loz should have turned 25.

Evelyn has outlived everyone older than her, this is the first 100th birthday she's ever been to. Soon more years will have passed then years I knew her... It's hard to separate the two of them today.

She laughs, jokes, and holds hands. I love how her and her entire family do this, holding each other's hands. She misses her mother, her father, her friends, all her siblings, her grandparents. It's been so long since I heard Loz laugh.

I promise to visit her again, and I do.

07/23

#having my kid get closer and closer to Lozs age fills me with feelings too #gma #2023 #🔮