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Monday Mood

#ninaluba #ninalubainspiration #ninalubamoodboard #mondaymood

Photo by @jeffreyczum https://www.instagram.com/p/CqBDr7dIMuT/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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Linda Ganus - La Vie En Rose, 2022

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She came in my room this morning to tell me about her window glass appointment, I have work tho, she wanted to drop her car off at my work for the guy to work on the glass there. It seemed very irrational to do. I suggested calling out of work.. she got mad at me and barked, "Forget it." I'll just cancel everything this morning. She left her dog that was scared of what she was gonna do next ,sitting in my lap. Her dog usually stays right by her. The dog is still right next to me. it doesn't seem to want to go by my mom. This is normal for me, tho. I just try to stay out of her way when she is like this. And it seems her dog is doing the same now ... usually, if the dog hears her walking around, she shoots by the door and whins for her mom to grab her. Not this morning, this morning the pup is nestled next to me as if she is waiting out a nasty storm

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A year ago, I was happy. I was excited... I had a best friend. Someone who made me feel so seen and understood. And well for me, that's been hard for me to find. They believed me when I told them things. Especially the things I don't share with other people or minimize to keep the attention off me. A year ago, me and this person made a plan to spend my birthday together. And it has been my favorite birthday so far. They had made sure even tho they didn't have much to make it a good day for me. We didn't have anything fancy, just the basics. But I felt safe, I felt so secure that week. I spend the night of my birthday coloring, watching my favorite movie and drinking southern peach. I haven't felt that calm in years. It was huge for me. And it still is. This person is gone now by choice. I still love them. I have no resentment towards them. Instead, this sadness that's quiet but keeps getting louder. The lesson here appreciates the moments like these. But not fall for broken people who decide to stay broken. It only hurts in the long run. And leave you haunted with what I could have been, what it should have been .

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My birthday is two weeks away, and I'm surrounded by this undeniable loneliness. I have no one that I'm close to. I have been trying to rack my head with what I want to do for my birthday. But keep coming to the conclusion. I have nowhere and no one that I would be happy with. No one and no where that would bring me peace. This I see is an issue. Hence, I have a therapist I can't really afford. But I have felt so lost for so long that I need a tour guide to life. And I'm not egotistical or ignorant enough to think I can figure this stuff out myself. After year of everything hurting or numbing me out. Years of feeling disconnected. Years of hopelessness. I finally gave in to telling a strange my problems and hoping they don't make more issues for me or things harder. Which is what I am used to experiencing in these situations. I used to be so positive and trusting. I understand why I am not. But damn this world is hard to navigate. Especially the people. I keep trying to connect, but people are so corrupt or in so much pain that I end up getting burnt or becoming their jimmity cricket. And feel so lonely and unheard. I come to resent them. But this loneliness is so isolating and painful. I hate waking up. I hate those thoughts of dreed. I feel first thing in the morning. Of this is your life. It's empty. You got yourself here. You are living your worst nightmare. Now smile, be normal, and don't cause a wave. You have to be steady and unreactionary. It's not safe to be anything less than that. We don't want nor need another battle.

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Sometimes, I feel like I'm only good to make people feel better and fix the busted up. But I never really feel like om vauled. Once they have healed and gotten their tool to fix themselves..than they are gone. Maybe that is why I have isolated myself for the last few years. All I ever wanted was to be loved and be truly loved in return.. but at this point, it feels pointless. I'm so exhausted... but to be completely honest. I wouldn't wanna be anything other than a loving person. Unconditionally. No matter the price. I can't be anything but who I am. I just wish the world would appreciate it more.

#ramble

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I sat there and cried... no sobbed.. the kind of sobbing you do when everyone in the house is asleep and you have to be quiet with these massive feelings, you couldn't choke down anymore. You know where your body can only release but can't take anything in. Not even the air around you. That you feel for a split second that these unwanted emotions will suffocate you.

What did I do in this situation, you ask?

I took deep breaths. Forcing my lungs to slow down so I didn't die on the heartbreak of my life. Then I got up and washed the stress off my face. Look at the mirror and told myself I was so proud of the women in the mirror. That right now, things don't look good, and life feels hopeless. Maybe no one seems to care or show up. But I will always show up for her, and I love her. And this is not the end of her story. I reject that offer that this will be the end of my story.

#depressed #hopelessness #resilience

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8/17/17

I tired of feeling this way I’m tired of complaining about it I’m tired of explaining it I’m tired of dealing with it I’m tired of hiding it I’m tired of trying to break it I’m tired of trying to resolve it I’m tired of feeling numb I’m tired of feeling isolated I’m tired of losing I’m tired of trying I’m tired of hearing the same response I’m even tired of seeing the same reaction Of hearing the same you need to move on let it go Like I havent tired or even knew this already It’s like living in my own hell that I can’t break out of It’s like being stuck at the bottom of the ocean with an anchor attached to your feet and your hand are tied together . Everyone is telling you to swim ,to grab the float . I have sank so far down i can’t even see the sun’s rays any more. I can’t only hear their haunting voices I can’t only feel the cold water around me.I I haven’t breathed for the longest time that oxygen seems foreign to me .

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A new start?

I don't know if I hit a new low or if I have just never moved past it. Life is always messy I know this. But I didn't knowing could be so lonely for so long. I cannot that I have made mistakes. Huge ones for that matter. And it makes me feel more and more like Dons daughter. Like everything I touch just crumbles. Everyone I let in seems to be repulsed by me. Why is it I feel like this body and life is better off in someones else's hands . Why do I seem to feel no control in my life. I feel like a monster bread at the hands of the Wellmeiers. I feel like my demons are winning. Like they are holding my head down in the water and speaking and acting on my behalf. Like I didn't even have a fighting chance really. I know this isn't true . That for as many demons I have. I also have angels around me. Where are they tho. Did my demons duck tape and roped them up so that could play with my mind heart and soul with no interruption. Causing fights with everyone I hold so close to my heart. My mom came at me today saying she doesn't know who I am anymore. That I need to plan to have a good future. Truth is I don't know who I am anymore. And I lost the purpose of the future when I don't even plan on a future for myself. I just can't seem to get myself out of survival mode. Every time I feel strong enough to pull myself out something or one comes down to hit me in the face. I don't have any one to listen anymore and half the stuff I have done lately I don't even wanna open up about to anyone. I'm pretty sure Michael hates me at point and I don't blame him. I've been nothing but heart ache for him. I feel awful and ashamed of my behavior but I don't really wanna pursue anything further than friendship with him. He's too close and was then only person I could really trust and depend. I didn't wanna destroy that. I mean I guess I kinda just did. I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to repairs myself to be a healthy normal human being. I feel so lost with this one. makes it kinda hard to be happy to be honest .

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Parrot by Slaeh Almozini.

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Lord I know you are the light of the world, So when are you gonna shed some light in my life?

Kiki Parker

#God #faith #hope

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A new life?

They say after high school everything changes. But they never say how. they never tell you all the friends you made over the years are gonna drift away. They never tell you how you lose your way. even after spending so much time trying to find yourself. Why is this? why not spare us the chanellage and down fall that we face after high school? the only reason that I can come up with is the teach us. so we can learn and grow. Maybe to teach us to appericate the present of not worrying about paying bills or other "grown up" stuff like that. at least that was high school. Now I am stuck to face the real world in hopes that i don't lose my self or fail my self and others completely. Also in hopes that  the world wont chew me up and spit me out? But don't we all? Non of this is to be taking so seriously,This is just a mire oppion and most of all just me rainting. I could be very well wong..