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I can't imagine a world with you gone

bucktommy / T / 3981

Buck was happy with Tommy and he wanted him to know it. He wanted to tell Tommy in words how he felt about him. But of course the moment Buck said the words “I’m happy”, universe said “Fuck you”. In the worst way possible. Or Buck has to see how universe tries to take Tommy from him.

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Buck never was so happy as the months he was dating Tommy. He never felt so settled in his skin and relationships, even in way longer relationships with Taylor he was missing part of himself. And it wasn't connected so much with the thing that he dated the man now. It was because for the first time Buck stopped feeling like he was trying too hard to play his part. Like somewhere his girlfriends left him the script he should have followed, but he never read it and always felt lost with them.

With Tommy he felt in his place. Like he finally belongs. Like he can finally do something right, because Tommy likes him despite his flaws, that the man had seen more and more with time passing, choosing to stay anyway. Tommy stayed even after Buck told him, or more like stuttered over every word, why he didn’t like the idea of seeing his parents again, how he wanted them to somehow not to be at the wedding, how he wanted just some more time before he would come out to them telling them about his bisexuality.

The older man just hugged him, kissed his forehead and told him he shouldn’t feel bad about his parents' mistakes. But he also shouldn’t come out to them if he’s not ready. Tommy said that they could be “just friends” at the wedding. Buck looked at him like he was something else, something absolutely surreal. Not only Tommy wasn’t running from him because of his family drama, he gave him the way to hold the old mask in front of them longer.

Yet, Buck didn’t want it. When he saw the support and something so tender in Tommy’s clean sky eyes, he knew he would come out to them before the wedding. And he did. During the dinner on their first night in LA he looked at them and introduced them to his boyfriend, holding his big hand for support.

Since then their relationships have only gotten stronger. Buck met Tommy’s friends and family, found some stories about Tommy’s past in the 118, army and 217. Heard about some exes Tommy had. But most importantly he began to find out more and more details about what kind of person Tommy is now, falling in love with him every day.

At their anniversary of the kiss tomorrow, Buck decided to get Tommy to the restaurant the man wanted to try for so long, but couldn’t find the time. So Buck went “all Buck” and found the way to book a table to woo his man on such an important day for them.

In the worst way possible.

It started as a big fire at the warehouse where some people were lost. It was just Buck’s call then. But they needed the help of more people, so Tommy’s station came to help, not just with air support, but with leaving some firefighters behind.

Buck finds out Tommy is one of them already inside the warehouse, where he and Eddie found their victims and is ready to get them out. Tommy’s voice over the radio confirms the order to check the delta zone, and Buck can’t help but feel a strange weight on his heart. As if he should be shouting at Tommy to stay outside. He puts it down to the fact that he is not used to his boyfriend running into the fire like him, and not staying in helicopters skillfully piloting them.

Oh, how he is wrong.

He and Eddie are outside, passing their people to Hen and Chim, and fist bump each other, walking to Bobby, who listens to something said to him and pales. Buck already doesn't like it and he is ready to ask what is wrong when Bobby’s voice over the radio orders everyone to get out.

Everyone inside confirms it, and Buck is happy to hear Tommy too. He turns to the warehouse trying to see his boyfriend getting out when the worst happens.

Something explodes inside. And it explodes in the delta zone. In the zone where Tommy was. Buck for a few seconds can't even move, trying to make his eyes stop showing him a nightmare that can't be real. It can't be true. Tommy can't be in danger in a burning building. It's not true. Buck's just asleep and having a nightmare. He has to wake up.

He. Has. To. Wake. Up.

But it’s real, he knows, when everyone around him goes loud, but he still can’t move. He hears Bobby order everyone who was inside to give him updates. One by one they confirm that they are going out. Everyone except Tommy.

“Firefighter Kinard, your status?” Bobby asks again, and Buck is pretty sure if he doesn’t not hear the answer this time, he will pass out because he is not breathing, scared to miss Tommy’s answer. He just listens, not breathing, not moving, only silently begging Tommy to answer. “Firefighter Kinard, what is your status?”

Nothing. Tommy still says nothing.

The radio is silent. Someone starts saying something to Bobby, but Buck only listens when he hears Tommy’s name.

“Firefighter Kinard is still near the delta zone, but,” Buck’s heart misses a beat and he can see that Eddie near him doesn’t like where it goes too, “ he is not moving.”

And that’s it. Buck fight or flight instinct kicks in, and the body and brain of first responder goes into action. He runs to the warehouse, but not even makes it half a way when strong hands behind him stop him, making him hit the person who dares to stop him from saving his boyfriend.

“Buck stop,” the person screams at him.

It's Eddie. The traitor who doesn’t let him go and save his boyfriend is Eddie.

“Stop it. You can’t help Tommy, when you don’t think straight,” Eddie pins him to his body, using all his power to hold Buck. “You don’t even have your mask and air tanks on you, how the hell are you going to go and save him? By killing yourself? Well, I will not let you. And Tommy wouldn’t let you too,” Eddie screams and Buck’s body goes weak.

Eddie is right. His tank was empty so he took it off and his mask now possibly lays somewhere on the ground, where he lost it when couldn’t hold anything in his hands after he saw the explosion.

“It’s Tommy, Eddie,” Buck turns his head to his best friend, not being strong enough to stop the tears from his eyes. “It’s Tommy. I-I should save him. I-I can’t lose him Eddie. Please I-I can’t,” he is crying and Eddie hugs him to his chest.

“I know, Buck. I know. Trust me I’m barely holding myself from running there too,” Buck hears in Eddie’s voice that it's true. Tommy and Eddie become friends quickly and they are close like all other 118 family members. Tommy means a lot to Eddie.

“But we need to think straight,” Eddie’s voice becomes strict. It's the type of the voice Eddie uses on the worst call, when he tries hard to work with a cold head. “We need to let Bobby make the plan and let others save him.”

“B-but,” Buck tries to say it should be him who should save Tommy, but all the words are lost.

“You can’t help him now, Buck. Right now you should let other people help him,” Buck wants to cry from how right Eddie is.

He knows deep down he is not even close to the head space where it would be safe for him to get into the burning building and save his boyfriend. He knows it's how it should be. But can’t just sit and wait for someone to save Tommy.

It should be him.

He again tries to fight Eddie, but the man overpowers him.

“Buck, I’ll sedate you if you do it again. Will be forever your number one enemy, but at least will save you.”

Buck screams from pain hearing it.

“You-you never can be my enemy.”

Eddie looks at him with so much pain in his eyes.

“If I don’t bring Tommy from there alive, save and sound, I’ll be.”

“Never,” Buck whispers, but Eddie hears it anyway. “You can never be my enemy. But please Eddie, please we need to find a way to get him out. And I need to be with you, please.”

Eddie nods.

“Grab the tanks, find a new mask and let’s hear what Bobby has for us.”

They quickly do it all before coming back to Bobby.

The man looks at Buck with so much emotion, Buck can’t look him in the eyes.

“I’m not sure I can let you inside, Buck,” Bobby’s captain's voice, yet with so much care, tells him that. “You and Tommy are in a relationship and we still don’t know what condition he can be in. I don’t want to risk anything.”

Buck begs, “Bobby, please, I…”

“You stay with Hen and Chim and let me and Eddie find him,” it’s said abruptly, without any of the care with which Bobby usually speaks, but Buck knows that the very fact that Bobby is putting him out of danger is an act of caring. He's just so angry at everything. He also is tired. So he just falls on his butt, hugging his knees, takes off his helmet and nods, already looking only at the doors from where he expects to see his boyfriend to get out.

It’s never happened, of course.

When Eddie and Bobby are almost out ready to go, he speaks with so much grief in his voice he doesn’t think he ever heard from himself, “Bring him back to me,” he looks them in the eyes. “Please bring him back to me. Alive.”

Buck knows they can’t promise anything, but Eddie still nods at him and Buck has never been so thankful to have him as best friend.

Buck doesn’t know for how long he sits in the same position, probably no more than ten minutes, feeling how from time to time Chim and Hen glance at him for several seconds between moving to work on their next patients.

He knows they don’t just check to make sure he is not running in the building, but also because they are worried about him. Buck hates that, actually. It’s not him who is in danger in the burning building in who knows what condition. And Buck just sits there letting other people work to save his Tommy when he is first responder too. When he knows how to do the job, but he sits and waits, the only thing left for him it’s to hope. To hope that Bobby and Eddie will find Tommy soon and take him out so Buck can hug him hard and never let him out of his embrace.

He hopes to have a chance to hug and kiss Tommy again soon. He hopes to see his smile again. He hopes to have his boyfriend with him <i>alive</i>.

Familiar hands hug him and take his face in the crook of their neck and Buck only now understands that he was crying all this time. His tears run over his dirty cheeks. Feeling Athena’s powerful aura makes Buck feel a little bit better. He tries to take part of her strength she holds in all her body for himself. He is also just simply seeking and thankful to feel all the maternal care she has for him right now.

“H-how are you…”Buck tries to gather his thoughts but they are as foggy as the air around them.

“Dispatch said they need more police for control. I was here for some time, and the moment I was free and wanted to find Bobby I saw you. Hen told me what happened. I’m so sorry Buck,” she hugs him tighter and he cries harder.

“I-I can’t lose him, Athena,” he raises his gaze to her, seeing her face contorted in pain, surely only partially reflecting all the agonizing pain Buck is feeling right now. “He-he makes me feel alive. Really alive. For the first time in my life. He makes me happy and free. He-he… I just can’t lose him. I w-won’t survive it.”

Athena doesn’t say anything but she puts her hand on his head patting it with so much love, Buck cries more.

His chest hurts and he wants to scream how terrible the pain is, but screams are not coming. Because if he gives up to the pain, it will mean he gave up on Tommy and Buck will never dare to do it.

He will hope to the very end. He will hope till Bobby or the doctor will tell him otherwise.

Bobby’s voice over the radio makes the pain worse and better at the same time.

“We have a firefighter down. He is pinned down and unconscious. Possible spinal and head injuries. We need another paramedic, jaws, C-collar and backboard in the hall between the delta zone and west exit.”

He wants to run in the building again, but now it’s Athena, like Eddie before, who doesn't let him. Buck watches how Chim and Ravi run inside.

Next minutes somehow are worse and longer than the time he didn't know Tommy's condition. But then he sees his family running out of the building with his boyfriend on the backboard, still unconscious, but Buck can see how his chest is moving and for now it’s enough for him.

This time he doesn’t let anyone stop him from running to his Tommy, jumping in the ambulance with Chim and Hen. No one really stops him.

He takes as little space as he can, letting Chim and Hen work their magic, just holding Tommy’s hand, counting his pulse and trying to breathe in this rhythm.

He kisses dirty knuckles and sends all his strength and fight to his boyfriend.

“I know you're unconscious, but I don’t care. You will listen to me and you will do how I say,” Buck kisses the pulse point on Tommy’s hand. “You will fight every minute when we’ll pass you to the doctors. You will wake up after they’ll put you into your room and you’ll see me sitting near you and you’ll smile and I’ll kiss you. And then we will book the table in this restaurant I booked for us again and we will have another anniversary there,” Buck holds Tommy’s hand near his lips saying it. “You are not allowed to leave me, you hear me? I don’t allow you to leave me. You stuck with me Kinard. And I won’t let you stop fighting to come back to me,” Buck kisses ring finger. “One day I’ll put the ring here so you have to fight. For me. For yourself. For <i>us</i>. Please, Tommy, please. I can't imagine a world with you gone.”

He cries again, kissing Tommy’s hand till he has to let him go so doctors can save his heart.

Time in the waiting rooms has been going on for an insanely long time. So long that Eddie has time to bring him a change of clothes and make him change in it and wash his face in the restroom. Bobby brings them food and coffee from the dinner near the hospital and all his family looks at him till he manages to swallow half of his portion.

All he can do is look at the clock, counting minutes till some hours later the doctor comes to tell him that Tommy is fine. No spinal injury, just some bruise on his back, but his pinned hand needed surgery to fix it and Tommy would need a lot of PA. The man also has a lot of bruises, smoke inhalation and a gash on his head that's already been stitched up. But it doesn’t look like he has a concussion. He'll be kept overnight for observation, but he should be able to go home pretty soon.

Buck’s knees buckle under him, when the doctor says the last sentence and he lets the big cry escape him. Bobby and Eddie put him back up and move him to the room the doctor said belongs to the man.

He enters it alone, as the doctor said only one person can stay, and he tells Bobby and Eddie to go home. They hesitate.

“I’m going to be ok,” Buck says to them, but all his attention is already on the man in the bed.

Buck hears the door closing when he is already near the bed, sitting on the uncomfortable chair, taking the hand he was holding in the ambulance in his.

“Thank you, baby. Thank you for coming back to me,” Buck traces with his hand the wound on the head carefully and then kisses Tommy’s forehead. “Now rest, baby. I’ll be here.”

He gets as comfortable as he can in the chair, holding his thumb near Tommy’s pulse point and letting his body crash from exhaustion.

Buck wakes up hearing someone call him by the name. He opens his eyes, hissing from the pain in his neck, and he sees Tommy who is looking at him with a cute smile.

“You awake,” Buck kisses him, finally exhaling the last tension and pain from everything that happened yesterday.

“Yeah, I am,” Tommy looks at him like Buck puts the sun and stars on the skies.

“What? Why do you look at me like that?”

“You stayed with me all night,” Tommy shrugs and then hisses. Buck rushes to help him to put his bed in the sitting position.

“Of course I did. Why wouldn’t I? You're my boyfriend and I’m your emergency contact.”

“No one did before.”

It makes Buck sad and angry at all the other partners Tommy had. Thay had this perfect man and never could stay the night with him at the hospital? Well, it’s their loss.

“I’m not like them,” Buck looks at their intertwined hands. “And it’s the least I could do for you,” he says, frustrated with himself. For being so weak his team had to stop him from saving his boyfriend.

“Why do you say that, baby?” Tommy looks at him confused.

“I couldn’t save you. E-Eddie had to stop me from running into the warehouse without the mask and the tanks because I lost any cool I have as a first responder. I couldn’t save you. I was just sitting here looking at how the team saved you. Waiting hours for doctors to save you. I did nothing except waiting and hoping for you to be ok,” Buck admits with tears running his cheeks and he can’t look Tommy in the eyes, not wanting to see disappointment in them.

“You did more than you can imagine, baby. You let people you love save you from doing something stupid like run into the fire without proper equipment,” Tommy raises his head using a weak grip in his chin. His blue eyes are kind and caring. “You let the people who you trust save me. And you stayed near me all this time, thinking about me. Trust me, Evan. It’s enough. I need you to be safe too,” Tommy kisses his knuckles. “I wouldn’t forgive myself if you would be hurt because of me.”

“Stop being the one to comfort me. It’s not me who is in the hospital bed,” Buck kisses him again, saying thank you with the kiss for being so caring and gentle with him.

“You can comfort me by saying I can go back to work soon,” Tommy nods to his hand in the cast.

“Sorry, baby, but the doctor said a month in the cast and then a month of PA,” Buck kisses the pouting man. “I promise you will be ok really quick. You also have a lot of bruises all around your body and had smoke inhalation, but they took you from the oxygen during the night.”

Tommy nods, “could be way worse.”

“Yeah,” Buck swallows, still feeling the cold of the fear of the possibility to lose Tommy forever, “but let’s not challenge the universe, please.”

Tommy smirks but agrees.

“You know, there’s a thing you can actually do for me,” his boyfriend says with a playful smile and Buck nods to him to continue. He is ready to do anything for his boyfriend. “Kiss it better.”

Buck chuckles on the way Tommy pouts his lips, but leans to him anyway leaving the most tender kiss he can, translating all his love and fear of losing it to his man in it.

He was thinking about saying “I love you” the moment Tommy will wake up, but decided against it. They deserve better than it. Something sweet and tender, not with the aftertaste of pain and fear. So the kiss is a good alternative for now.

Two days after the fire Tommy is discharged and Buck takes him to his house, sending his man to rest on the couch while he cleans and cooks and then goes to have dinner with Tommy at the couch, not forgetting to grab the pain pills for the man and water.

“I cooked different meals and froze them. There's food for at least a week. All the instructions about pre-heating are left on the fringe for the moments when I can't be here. But I’ll come after and before my shifts and I spend time with you here on my days off, ” Buck says, while he cleans the dishes.

Tommy insisted on sitting with him in the kitchen because he missed him while Buck was doing all the chores.

“Or you could just stay here with me without running between my house, loft and station,” Buck turns to Tommy who looks pretty confident, yet Buck sees in his eyes he is scared about Buck’s answer. “Do you want to move in with me?”

Buck puts the last dish on the shelf, wipes his hands with a towel and comes to his boyfriend, falling on his knees to kiss him.

When they part, they both smile so much, “Yes, yes, I want to move in with you,” Buck kisses him again and then whispers in his lips. “I love you. So much. Wanted to say it on our anniversary after a big romantic dinner, but I don’t want to spend more days without saying it to you. I love you, Tommy.”

Tommy’s huge smile blindes Buck like the sun on the warm summer day.

“I love you too, Evan. So, so much,” they kiss again and Buck can’t wait to spend all his life doing it.

“When can you move?” Tommy asks after they end the kiss.

“I can pack my most important things the day after tomorrow as it’s my day off and take it all here. Then I’ll talk to my landlord about ending the lease and just pack all other things.”

“Good,” Tommy kisses his birthmark now. “I want you to feel here like home.”

Buck chuckles, “I will feel like home not because my stuff stays here,” he cups Tommy’s face in his hands, “I feel like home with you. No matter where we are.”

“You’re such a sup,” Tommy laughs, kissing his birthmark again.

“Said the man who made me a playlist of songs he associates with me.”

Tommy shuts him the same way he did when he kissed him for the first time. Buck can’t be happier his man uses this tactic to shit him any time he wants.

He just can’t imagine himself happier when he's with Tommy.

#scheduled

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