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bisexualiteas · 9 days

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tonight i showed her black sails 1.01 and she watched most of it with her head on my shoulder and i was laying my head on her head and it felt so safe and nice. and earlier in the afternoon we had this moment when she was infodumping about her current musical obsession and i was drawing random figures on her hand and her wrist with my fingers and again it felt. so safe. it's never a butterflies thing for me. it's never anxious. it's always safe. the thing is, i don't know if this means anything nonfriendly to her or if she even considers it or wonders or if it's just, simply, not that. i don't know and i'm not ready to speak out on it. i often think of how my tarots showed the two of cups and showed her the ace of cups but you know, who knows. maybe it's not even like, in the realm of possibility for her. anyway this is just random rambling but the thing is i felt so safe and i cherish these moments so much.

#❤️‍🩹.txt #like. i don't know what This is but whatever it is it makes me feel warm and safe #and again. maybe it's just comfortable friendship. maybe i'll suffer like hell out of it #but yeah. the days we spend together hold such warmth to me #later i'm probably gonna pull some tarots again because. yeah #it's funny how at this point it's essentially a relationship without being a relationship

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bisexualiteas · 13 days

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high and chilling in bed and thinking about how it feels when she curls up with her head on my shoulder and i scratch her hair lovingly and get to caress the base of her neck and we talk dumb shit about whatever and

#blasting good luck babe by chappell roan also #i'm way too cowardly to Speak about this. not for now. but gods #the closeness i feel when we're like that is. so safe and nice you know #i wonder if she wonders if it's something #i wonder if she has an answer to that #my tarots sent some pretty clear signals but who the fuck knows #in any case. the warmth. is real #last sunday i was telling her about my jinx tattoo in depth like the bad ways i relate to the character #and i was like 'u know exposing myself like this is a bit scary even between close friends'#and she was like 'no i know but it's about the being seen and that's so valuable' yea... yea #❤️‍🩹.txt

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bisexualiteas · 22 days

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#things that bring me peace

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bisexualiteas · 23 days

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and i guess the reason why i'm able to like, bask in the gratefulness Besides the pining (which is very much There) is that. if we compare this situation to the whole year-long pining i had with my other friend last year. it's like, in that case it was pretty much all in my head. it was a regular friendship where we hung out some times. and then i saw all this Potential and it drove me crazy. in this case it's like, she gives me a lot as it is. she may not love me romantically and i don't think she ever will maybe, but. in our actual bond as it is, she gives me so much. to the point where if we Were in a relationship the only thing that would change is the kissing and having sex like. uh, That's the level of intimacy as it stands right now. and i'm able to appreciate the level of friendship and depth and companionship and emotional partnership we got to. in Spite of the pining. bc it's less In My Head and more, uh. Real.

#lots of journaling today besties #❤️‍🩹.txt #in any case. this would look a Lot different if she dated someone or (derogatory) (fuck sake) got back w her ex or shit. like i'd be Much #much more in pain and insane lmao but. as it is #i'm glad i can fully sense a silver lining here. that's all

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bisexualiteas · 23 days

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we had such a peaceful day yesterday. and it's really fucking weird, like. it's really weird 'cause usually when i'm Pining there is no space left in me for enjoying what i actually have. it's all about the longing and the not having. and yeah, that was there. like, there were so many times when i was just like 'god she is beautiful and i wish i could kiss her'. but also. it was a peaceful day. we laid down in the park for hours and watched the flowers and smoked and laughed and listened to dumb music and talked shit and read together and at some point she briefly held my hand and said 'see, you speak my same language' (i have no idea what the fuck we were on about. but it was sweet.) and it was pretty much a Relationship Day Minus The Kissing i guess but i guess what i'm saying is that i was and am so grateful to have this bond. that we created space in our lives to reach this level of companionship. even if it is what it is. even if it's not going to be anything else. and that doesn't Cancel Out the pining because of Course it doesn't. of course i'm longing and of course i'm yearning and of course i am in pain and of course i'll have a whole fucking breakdown if/when someone comes along she wants to date and of course it's messy and it's a rollercoaster of dumb emotions but. still it was a good day Because we have a silly little intense bond and that matters in itself and i do feel grateful and i guess the gratefulness and the loving and the peace matters. and maybe i won't always feel it as Much as the wish and the yearning but still. it matters.

#❤️‍🩹.txt #also she gave me my favourite chocolate. and i ordered her usual pizza for her. it's the little things #and those little things are real. however else i am Yearning. those things are real

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bisexualiteas · 25 days

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going insane

#CAN YALL SHUT UP ON THIS FUCKING WEBSITE. JESUS #❤️‍🩹.txt

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bisexualiteas · 25 days

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i yearn and i yearn and i yearn

#art #on yearning

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bisexualiteas · 28 days

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i hope the longing never shows & i hope it passes without ever making a sound

#❤️‍🩹.txt #she was incredibly beautiful tonight. it was hurtful #the thing is. you know. i guess along the way we reached a level of intimacy #that Feels like Something to me. both emotionally #and physically. the physical is what fucks me up the most #there's always some closeness. some times more than others #tonight not so much but just ten days ago? we spent such a long time #with her head on my shoulder and my arm around her staying close and scratching her hair and all that shit #and i don't think i'm batshit crazy when i say that's intimate #there were moments during that night where i went from scratching her hair to caressing her cheek and she just huddled closer #like i don't think i'm fucking Insane when i say that's intimate #but i guess. intimacy looks different to everyone and #i'm probably the closest person she has right now. it's just not That Way for her #bc if it Was that way? then i wouldn't be the one she comes to for the fucking situationship with her ex #it's really that simple and easy. it's also devastating #i don't understand how she can be so intimate with me without it meaning Anything Other Than Friendship to her #but it's so Obvious that this is the case. whether it makes sense to me or not #tonight was not Extra intimate but. we still watched our tv show while hugging #she still paused the show to tell me smth important about her past while we were Incredibly close #and like i'm not insane. i'm not insane. that's a hell of a lot of intimacy.#it just... it has some layers to me and it doesn't to her. even if i find it hard to understand.#'cause then she asked me to read tarot for her on sunday About the Situationship :)#and she simply Wouldnt. do that. if she thought this was in any way a romantic situation #that's just. simply. what you do when you confide in a close friend and need counsel #and it drives me Crazy bc i can't reconcile the amount of sweetness. and physical closeness. with the idea that it Means Nothing #it doesnt make sense to me. it doesnt make sense. and yet.#i'd obviously rather die than read her fucking tarots abt her fucking situation with her ex but. i couldn't Say That #i don't know how to be there for her without breaking myself apart and #i don't know how to Not be there for her without Revealing Myself!!!!#so what the fuck can i even do. i'd just want it to not hurt like this.

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bisexualiteas · 1 month

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had a fucking day yesterday. a fucking hell of a day. it's like, the moment she said she was meeting up with her ex my gut twisted about it. but i told myself, don't ruin your day over this. don't overthink it. it's just your anxiety. it's just you being jealous. and i tried to turn it off all day, to ignore it because it was just me being jealous. yeah, it fucking wasn't. or like it was, but it was also my damn gut.

and i knew the moment she texted me back that something had gone terribly wrong. and it's like, i entered a state where whatever i was feeling didn't matter. the only thing that mattered was how worried i was. the only thing that mattered was to stop this shit before i had to see her spiral back into an unhealthy relationship. i fucking trembled for the whole conversation because the only thing that mattered was making her see. making her switch back into the person she'd been up until one day earlier. one single fucking day earlier. the person who'd be so aware of how the mere idea of getting back with this man was anguishing.

and then the conversation ended and i can only fucking hope that she'll listen to the shit i said. and i was left with this worry and this helpless need for protection and this terrible jealousy and bitterness and. and i couldn't even let her see how bad it was upsetting me because it wasn't fucking about me. and my stomach closed so bad that i wasn't able to eat a thing and then i woke up this morning with a fucking stomachache.

and i guess the worst thing is that somehow part of me still holds on to hope. maybe it's because i Just Realized This Shit and i'm not ready to face... the amount of pain i face in situations of rejection. and so like, even if i'm here fucking fighting to not let her get back in that goddamn unhealthy relationship, i'm still like, "we got so much closer. who knows. this can still keep evolving in time" and i feel so so dumb for it, so so so so dumb for it but fuck, sometimes all one can do to bear the worry and the pain is have one little bit of hope. even if it's a 1%. even if it's misguided or whatever, sometimes it's unavoidable. the answer to 'do i wanna know?' is always 'no'.

#ed eccoci qua back on the venting blog #❤️‍🩹.txt

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bisexualiteas · 2 months

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