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bluelotusrises · 2 years

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Surviving Narcissistic Abuse

After being in a narcissistic abuse relationship for 21 years, it is not easy to heal and recover. By no means am I probably even close yet. But everyday it gets just a little easier and I am a survivor, so I'm sure I'll get there. Though I am somewhat impatient and sometimes wish I could just erase all of those memories. There are some really hard days though, where it feels like I'm going backward and not forward. That is probably the hardest part of being a narcissistic abuse survivor. It feels like the worthlessness, shame, PTSD and feelings of inadequacy never go away. Especially when the word "narcissist" is thrown around so easily these days. It seems that nowadays every time someone does or says something that someone else doesn't like they are labeled a narcissist. It really isn't that common though. Yes, almost anyone can do something at some point that seems to fall within the category. But actually truly having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) only affects up to 5% of the population [Psycom].

The Oxford dictionary defines narcissist as: a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. Mayo Clinic takes it a step further defining it as: a personality with qualities such as, thinking very highly of oneself, needing admiration, believing others are inferior and lacking empathy for others. According to Psycom there are nine common traits for NPD:

* Having an inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement.

* Needing constant admiration.

* Expecting special treatment.

* Exaggerating achievements and talents.

* Reacting negatively to criticism.

* Preoccupation with fantasies about power, success and beauty,

* Taking advantage of others.

* Behaving in an arrogant manner

There are lots of others. But the fact is we can all act like this once in a while. It becomes a problem and classified a disorder when these occur daily. And unfortunately, that is only the tip of the iceberg for some of us in relationships with a narcissist. Plenty of us suffer mental, physical, emotional, financial and even sexual abuse. And a lot of the time most of us don't even realize what we have entered into until it's too late. Even when there may be early signs, but we pass them off as things like stress, anxiety, quirks or just temperment. As it is clear now that is exactly what I did in the beginning.

Now for my story. It started only 2 weeks after my marriage to NG. The whole time we dated and during our engagement things were great. I'm sure if I analyzed things there were probably some red flags, but at the time I had no idea. He seemed nice, caring, sensitive, loving and not the least bit controlling. We got married and immediately had to move to another state for a job he had taken. As soon as we moved I got in with a doctor since I had some issues come up recently. We had been at the new place for 2 weeks when I was diagnosed with my first autoimmune disease.That evening I told him everything the doctor said. He hit me across the face, pushed me and told me "I wish I'd have met you before you were sick and skinnier than you are now." (One of the symptoms is impossible to control weight gain, but at that point I was only at 145 lbs). After a few days of me not saying much to him, he started acting repentive and extra sweet. I chalked it up to stress and an emotional response to my diagnosis. I wish that is all it had been.

That was not the last time he would be physically abusive though. Fast forward 18 years. He had been not only abusive physically but also verbally, mentally, emotionally and financially. Asking for chance after chance, saying he'd change. He forbade me from working. I needed his permission to go anywhere or do anything. Even with his permission, I had to let him know where I was going, how long I'd be gone, when I left and when I returned. After we got cellphones it only got worse. If he thought I had been gone to long or just felt he should check on me he would call. And I'd better answer right away or he would accuse me of being with a guy. (Keep in mind I had never cheated on him or anyone for that matter and 99% of the time I had my young daughter with me everywhere). He also forbade me from having any friends and very little contact with any family. Only my folks did he "tolerate" minimal contact with.

Even at home I was closely monitored. If I left the room, he would follow me. Even the bathroom, he would wait outside the door which I had to leave open. I had absolutely no choice in having any personal space or privacy. He was the epitome of having to control everything I did. He constantly belittled me, even in front of other people. He was always gaslighting me, telling me I remembered things wrong or misheard something. Emotionally he destroyed me.

The night before one of my birthdays he asked me about something and since my phone was in another room I asked to use his to check on his request. When I opened the browser there were screens still up and open. They were porn sites. He was occupied so I looked at the web history and it showed multiple porn sites plus a lot of searches for "local women". The search history spanned over months. Probably longer but after 6 months it is automatically deleted so I will never know how long it had been going on. At first, when I confronted him he started in with the gaslighting, saying he didn't know how any of that would be on there.

But something snapped inside of me. I wasn't backing down this time. He finally, eventually, did admit to almost all of it, but still tried to reason his way out of it. Like the excuse "I was looking for ideas for us". But his problem with those type of excuses were two-fold. One, we hadn't shared a bedroom in 12 years (his choice) and he had ED, even meds only helped 15% of the time. After that I did start asserting myself for a little more freedom. He'd give me a little then make some excuse for trying to rip it from me. I so desperately wanted to leave, but just like all those years past I was stuck with no way out and no support. About 6 months after I found the porn we moved half way across the country. I restarted trying to make plans to leave but it was near impossible. And emotionally I was in shambles. That one night single handedly destroyed my self-esteem, self-image and devalued everything I thought about myself.

It wasn't until about a year before I finally left him that I finally realized he was what is called a Narcissist. I always knew he was extremely controlling but now I started learning all the other things he had been doing and that they were not normal. I had a couple of new friends (the first in 18 years) that helped me see things from a whole new perspective and weren't afraid to point things out. They helped me out of a horrible situation. But the after effects are still there. Some of the small issues I have resolved over the last few years. Once I could go no-contact with him it made things alot easier. I felt like I could breathe again. I still have trouble with self-image and self-worth issues. The hardest thing for me has been working through the trauma bonding and PTSD. Even with no-contact, we still live in the same town, so I could run into him literally anywhere. Everytime I leave my house I am hyper-vigilant. It is hard to work through something you don't know how to work through.

But for anyone out there in an abusive relationship, I do firmly believe it is possible to survive and recover from it. You need a support system and a plan. Remember it is NOT your fault. It is your abusers'. Once you leave go no-contact as soon as possible. If necessary plan to have someone be an intermediary, especially if children are involved. A friend, family member or even a lawyer will do. It will get better, but it takes time.

It is not an easy process. Especially if, like me, you lost yourself in the relationship. Finding yourself again is easy for some and harder for others. For me, it has been extremely difficult. I still am not totally sure who I am yet. But I refuse to give up. I will not let him make me a victim, I will be a survivor. I now have a wonderful husband who is behind me 100% and who has the most gentle and patient soul, he is committed to seeing me healthy and happy. We have a wonderful, precious little girl. They are my motivation.

***Not intended as medical or legal advice. Written only as personal experience.***

(My husband and daughter the day we brought her home finally from NICU).

#surviving narcissism #narcissistic abuse survivor #ptsd #trauma bonding #gaslighting #love bombing #not a victim

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bluelotusrises · 2 years

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My Chronic Illness Story

My name is April and I have dealt with chronic illnesses all of my life. From the day I was born, during the blizzard of ’78. I was a preemie and born with a heart condition. Growing up there were other issues. Some figured out at that time and others not until I was an adult and could be my own advocate. And unfortunately I still have been diagnosed with new diseases just this year, in 2022.

I was born with a dysrhythmia that was later diagnosed to be caused by the fact I that had Mitral Valve Prolapse. So I have been regularly and routinely under a doctor’s care since then.

By the time I was 12, I had also been diagnosed with Pollen Allergies, High Cholesterol (hereditary) and had already had a surgery to repair an Inguinal Hernia.

By the age of 22, I had a few things added to my list: Chronic Intractable Migraines, Hashimoto’s Disease, PCOS (Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and Insulin Resistance. Also by that time I had been married to my now ex-husband for 2 years. And the abuse and control had already begun. In the 10 years that followed that I would be diagnosed with Degenerative Disc Disease after being in a vehicle accident where my truck and travel trailer were totaled. The accident caused 2 discs to herniate. I had 2 seperate Laminectomies and then a 2-level Spinal Fusion (L4/L5/S1) in a 3 year period. And was told after the fusion I likely would one day need L3 fused to it all.

In the last 10 years doctor’s have only added to my diagnosed list with IBS-D, Gastritis, Diverticulosis, Redundant & Mobile Colon, Uterine Fibroids, Bilateral SCDS (Semicircular Canal Dehiscence Syndrome) and EPI (Exocrine Pancreatic Insufficiency). Also in that time I had gone through 3 Nerve Root Block Injections at L3/L4 and a Right SI Joint Injection w/TPI. Then there was a Colonoscopy, 2 Endoscopies, a MRI, a HIDA Scan, Esophageal Motility Study and an Esophageal Bravo PH Study, that resulted in first having my Gallbladder taken out, then 6 months later I had a Nissen Fundoplication and Hiatal Hernia Repair.

A few years ago, I started having a lot of vestibular symptoms like vertigo, tinnitus (both ringing and pulsatile), autophony, hyperacusis, ear fullness, oscillopsia and nystagmus. They first diagnosed me with Vestibular Migraines and put me on meds to help it. It did ease a couple of the symptoms, but I still was greatly suffering. So I went through several hearing tests, a thin-slice CT scan, oVEMP, cVEMP and a VNG. Finally after 2 years of searching for a diagnosis the testing showed I had bilateral SCDS. A very rare disease, only affecting 1-2% of the population. It finally explained a lot I had dealt with as even a child, though I had no idea at the time since they were mild symptoms. My right side was the worst so I had that side repaired first. It required a brain surgery or MFC (Middle Fossa Craniotomy) in which the surgeon plugged the canal, rebuilt a section of the temporal bone, did a tegman reinforcement and repaired a CFS Leak (Cerebral Spinal Fluid) that he found during surgery. I need the left side done, but since it still isn’t as bad, I am waiting.

This year I was given the EPI diagnosis and most recently my Hashimoto’s has mutated into Oscillating Hypo/Hyper Thyroidism which has been very difficult to get under control. Also in the last few years I have been divorced, remarried to the most amazing man and had my beautiful daughter. The divorce was long due and I’m glad there were a couple people finally in my life who were willing to step up and help me out of a very bad situation.

Now I don’t say all this for sympathy or pity. As in the end I am so happy where my life has taken me. I am now married to the most amazing, caring and loving man in the world and we have a beautiful daughter together. I say all this because, if you are going through anything like these illnesses or similar, I understand and you are not alone. I know from experience it feels sometimes like you are alone in your fight, but you are not. You just haven’t found your true family or friends yet. But they are out there. And I am here for anyone. Feel free to reach out to me.

#chronic illness warrior #autoimmune disorders #hashimotosdisease #pcos #scds #chronic migraine #spinal fusion #mitral valve prolapse #insulin resistance #no gallbladder

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