csa-vents

[csa-vents]

Some of the asks u get are crazy, does running this blog ever ware on u? I hope yall mods are doing well

it does get difficult. thats why we only fill up the queue every once in a blue moon. ive considered archiving the blog but im not shre

#mod w

[csa-vents]

eye-opening tumblr post for me included the words "people are meant to be burdens" as in humans rely on and support one another and it's not a bother it's our purpose; to love and be loved in return. so if you ever think you're being annoying just remember we were made to love and it's going to be okay

#positivity

[csa-vents]

i allow myself one suicide joke a month because a well-placed “i’m going to kill myself” can be REALLY funny but like for real yall, if you’re suicidal or depressed in any capacity, or even if you aren’t, if you make suicide jokes constantly your brain will internalize it and you will actually want to kill yourself. which you don’t want to do. and if you stop making suicide jokes then you will feel better. same with any kind of self deprecation— stop doing it and you will start to feel better. i’ve been suicidal at several points in my life and i can guarantee you from personal experience that it fucking works. stop making kms jokes every day and your life will improve. and other people get uncomfortable when you make kms jokes constantly. be nicer to yourself

[csa-vents]

i don't know who needs to hear this, but you're allowed to gain weight in your twenties. you are a grown ass adult now. your body can and should not be the same as it was at seventeen. allow it to grow along with you <3

#positivity

[csa-vents]

I never liked him.

Still, a part of me wishes he wasn't so gentle. I got to sit on top of him. I remember feeling confused, noticing it kind of hurt, not realizing what was happening.

Maybe if he hadn't been so gentle I would have known it was wrong. Maybe I would have screamed, told him no, let others know it was going on.

Maybe I would have had physical proof of what he'd done.

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#csa tw #abuse tw #anonymous

[csa-vents]

i don't remember anything and i don't trust anyone

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#csa tw #abuse tw #anonymous

[csa-vents]

What you did in that empty exam room still haunts me. You deliberately took me out where no one else was to do that. You took me away from my parents, waiting in the other room, to do that. As a doctor you were supposed to heal, but all you did was take my innocence and claim it was medically needed.

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#csa tw #abuse tw #anonymous

[csa-vents]

it makes me dizzy to think about how young I was... how small I was... how some day he stopped and it never happened again, and we lived together for over another decade and I never said a word, he never said a word, and I will never tell anyone. he told me he'd kill me if I did. I had to send him my address today because I'm still in contact and moved recently. I feel ill. he's gonna come back. I'm gonna wake up with him on top of me like so many times when I was little. it's gonna happen again because he knows where I am. I'm always going to get raped again.

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#csa tw #abuse tw #anonymous #rape #death

[csa-vents]

i cant even see his face, not that i want to. the text on my phone swims and i feel dizzy and sick. what did i do to deserve that? i was a *kid*. you were supposed to protect me. what sick power felt so good that you would do something like that?

i hate you. i will outlive you. and when you die, i’ll destroy your ashes. i’ll win.

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#csa tw #abuse tw #anonymous #death

[csa-vents]

I know I shouldn't be annoyed or care, but my abusers posted a meme calling me ugly on Facebook. Like I'm sorry I'm not a child anymore 🙄

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#csa tw #abuse tw #anonymous

[csa-vents]

You're so cut off from the world you could have died already and i'll never know. Might have already gone with the suicide that I "kept you from" when i was a teen. i want your partner to provide me notice when you do die (i imagine sending an ornate notice she can fill out, like a wedding rsvp). But she helped groom me too and she has at least one kid in her history too. I hate you both. I hate that she has such an influencial job wirh so many vulnerable people. I hate that nothing has worked so far

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#csa tw #abuse tw #anonymous #grooming #death

[csa-vents]

yesterday was his birthday. yesterday was also my birthday. its the first year ive spent my birthday with everyone knowing i share it with my abuser. i wanna scream. i wanna cry. i wanna kill him. nothing i do will change the fact he did that to me though. i could press charges like my therapist wants me to do but what proof do we have. the only other girl who we know he abused cut off contact. god fucking damn. im so angry. there's no justice this world is disgusting and any beauty i ever find in it doesn't make up for the fact I was raped as a child. by someome who was supposed to protect me

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#csa tw #abuse tw #anonymous #rape

[csa-vents]

because of you i can’t bathe, i struggle to even get into the bathtub on good days. I hate looking at a body that was touched by you. why me? i was only 9

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#csa tw #abuse tw #anonymous

[csa-vents]

You’re a sick sadistic piece of shit. I hate having to remember being touched by the same hands that beat me. Those photos you took make me sick. The way you called me “sexy”… the ways you forced me into submission, the way you said “I own your body”. You were so violent that I knew standing up to you would only make you angrier. I also hate that your sister sexually violated me as an attempt to convert me when I was a kid. You’re both fucking disgusting. I hate being a woman when the women in my family are sick-in-the-head child abusers. I am ashamed of my identity because of you. You’re the worst parent ever I hope you fucking rot.

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#csa tw #abuse tw #anonymous #graphic #incest #child porn

[csa-vents]

I hate that my main perpetrators were women because nobody takes me seriously, not even psychiatrists and therapists. The CSA from my mother and aunt traumatized me worse than when men sexually assaulted and r*ped me as a teen/young adult… yet still so people seem to be stuck in this mindset that SA from men is automatically more traumatic than SA from women. It’s not true in my case. I’m really exhausted and I just want to be taken seriously. It feels so isolating.

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#csa tw #abuse tw #anonymous #rape

[csa-vents]

The worst part is I felt no anger, hardly any fear. I felt numbness and confusion and being uncomfortable. He was not violent; he was gentle. He hurt me when he got me alone and even when others were in the room. Did they not know or did they pretend not to notice?

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#csa tw #abuse tw #anonymous

[csa-vents]

How could a doctor ever look at a child like that? How could he continue claiming it was all medical? How could he so confidently refuse to call it was it really was? How many people on the staff knew what he was doing and covered for him? Did he do more I can't remember? Is there any records of it?

Years later it's still hard for me to confront the fact that it was CSA. He gaslit me so much, and made me believe he was benevolent. Only to cover up for the abuse he put me through.

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#csa tw #abuse tw #anonymous #emotional abuse