deeperthanjohn

[deeperthanjohn]

Thoughts

When my room darkens in the night and its silent in the house with no one to talk to my thoughts run rampant on my mind. Everything and anything I could possibly think of runs through my head every night leaving me awake for hours on end. Then there is a calm in the storm of thoughts and I can only think of one thing that refuses to ever leave me. The last thought I have before I eventually drift to sleep as I stare into the darkness of my room. This thought is comforting yet curses my soul every single night. The very last thought I have before I eventually shut my eyes is of you. I imagine what you’re doing and how things are going and wonder how life is treating you so far. I always hope for the best of course. As I ponder about that I circle back around to how I miss you so much still and I just can’t shake it off. While my mind plays memories in my head I close my eyes and in the silence I can hear a low whisper of you saying my name one more time. Does it ever stop hurting?

[deeperthanjohn]

story of two

Two people fall in love, but both don’t talk about it. One, too scared to confess, the other too conflicted to tell. They both enjoy the company of each other and spend lots of time together, but yet do not confess to each other. Day by day the thoughts of what ifs play in their minds, the good and the bad, and day by day they still don’t confess to each other. Slowly their love eats them alive, unsure of what to do, unsure of what could happen. One stops speaking to the other while the other loses their mind. Both come together again, but one doesn’t love the other anymore. Time passes by and going off the momentum of feelings and what they had thought before, one of them confesses their love for the other, but it was too late. The fear, the conflict, the doubt about the unknown, it destroys the only chance they had. Heartbreak ensues for both because this was the worst possible scenario that could play out. The only outcome they both wished would never happen, if it were to happen, had happened. Their next biggest fear is now balancing on a string from the events that had happened before. The thing they were trying to avoid to happen, the only thing that was stopping them from taking that chance. The fear of losing each other forever and breaking off their friendship. The confessor in absolute turmoil because the fault and the weight can be placed on their shoulders. The regret they feel for straining their relationship in such a way. To be the bold and courageous one for it to all back fire and fall apart. Wishing they never gained the courage to confess their feelings in the end, but wishes they admitted it earlier. In a perpetual state of conflict about their actions and choices that created the outcome that was heartbreak. Sleepless nights and comforting dreams are all they have for weeks to come. The only thing they have left to do is forget and rebuild. Forget the feelings they once held and rebuild the friendship almost destroyed. The story ending in one of two ways, good or bad. So the cycle repeats and their fears are reset to something new, once was a fear for not hearing the love back is now a fear of losing them forever.

#heartbreak

[deeperthanjohn]

Hmm

There was a time when we would call each other frequently. I enjoyed every minute of it. There would be times I wouldn’t call after work when it was late unless I had told you prior I was going to call. I didn’t want to wake you up so we can be in call, I wanted you to get your sleep for work. I did want to call you everyday though, but people have limits and we all need space sometimes. One day the calls became less frequent and it worried me. When they slowed down I savored each call we ended up having after that. You don’t know it because you’d fall asleep before me, but I wouldn’t be able to sleep right away. I would lay there and wonder is this going to be the last call we have together? As the time passed by I would just listen to you as you slept because I didn’t know when it would be my last time. I didn’t know when I wouldn’t hear you at night anymore before I fall asleep. Is this the last time I’d hear you shuffle around in bed, or snore softly, or wake up randomly and call out my name to see if I was still there. I started to wake up before your alarms went off, before you even awoke from your sleep. I didn’t want to miss a single second. I wanted to be awake to hear you leave, to maybe talk to you before you had to go. Then there were times you would say goodbye to me and I would say nothing, but you insisted that I say goodbye back to you. I would hesitate because I didn’t want it to be goodbye. I didn’t know if you were coming back or if this was my final goodbye, but I would say it back to you. Then it happened, our last call together. I was exhausted, I fell asleep before you. Your phone died in the middle of the night, but I didn’t wake up to you coming back and trying to call me. I regret it. That was the last time I heard you at night and we didn’t say anything. I wake up in the middle of the night now, just in case. I’m not even in a call, no headphones, nothing, but I still wake up randomly. I wake up and I look at my phone to see nothing there but the time reminding me to go back to sleep. I don’t know what I look for when I wake up. I know nothing will be there, but I always look.

[deeperthanjohn]

idk

Every single thought I have is about you. I beg for it to stop. I beg for my mind to just quit. I want to stop longing for you. I want to stop looking for your attention. I want to stop thinking. I want to be able to tell you what I feel and let myself go. I want to not cry at the thought of saying goodbye to you for the last time. I want to stop missing you. I want to sit at home and not get choked up randomly about you. I want to be able to not drink and talk to you about feelings. I’m lost. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what my next step is or how I’m going to approach anything. I’m drained of energy. I see your name and it makes me weak. I hear your name and I can’t think straight. I close my eyes and I think of you. It drains me. People keep leaving. I seek comfort, but I cannot find it. The only thing that keeps me warm are these shots. The only thing that embraces my soul. I want to stop, but I can’t.

I’m sorry.

[deeperthanjohn]

Ah.

The fears I have been having have finally come true and everything I had previously thought is somewhat true. Its time to be true to myself and for you if you ever manage to find and read this. To talk about myself and my feelings for anyone to well anyone is ridiculous so writing it down helps me mentally figure myself out. I like you I really do, but since you don’t feel the same there is no point in dragging it around. I just want you to know the importance i held for you in my life and how I really changed my day for you. Just know that I have no regrets in doing the things I have done for you. I don’t blame you for any of the actions I have done to myself that have affected me. I did it for me because it made me happy. I changed my work schedule to work morning shifts even though I hate waking up early in the morning. The reason was to spend more time with you and be there for you when the sun is actually up instead of making you stay up late at night so we can talk and spend time together. It is an absolute drag and I really hate myself everyday for it, but it was always worth it because of you. I stay up late and I don’t get much sleep because you would message me late and of course I was happy to do it. There was never a moment in time when I would stop waiting for you so we can talk. I always waited. When I did late shifts at night and I would get out late we would be in a call together as I drove home. In that moment I was happy and in absolute bliss. To spend any amount of time together is all I would wish for in the day and to get out of a long day of hell just to come to you was the best part about it. Hearing your voice is all I lived for. Watching you play games and just listening to you talk was something I could do forever. I never wanted you to know how I felt. When i tell people how I feel for them things fall apart. I never wanted to lose you and I guess on that one faithful night I lost you. So as time progressed and we started to not talk anymore I turned to alcohol not because it made me feel good, but it was to forget about my feelings for you.I drink because I hate myself for letting things get to the point we’re at. I just wanted to forget the pain. I wanted to forget that we talked. I wanted to forget that you didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I wanted to forget that I missed you so much and wished everyday for you to reply to me. I didn’t want to feel anything anymore. I never held my own feelings for myself in high regard because I know I will eventually overcome things. At the end of the trouble I will always be who I was before what happened. I didn’t message you because I didn’t want to pester you. I hate bothering people. When people just stop replying to me I get the hint and I wait for them to talk to me. Then it happened and you stopped replying to me. You would stream and I would have an internal fight with myself. It went against everything I believed in and I would watch you. I missed you. I wanted to know you were okay. It would destroy me every time to hear you talk to other people and to hear that you were spending time with them just hurt, but knowing that you were fine and that you were happy made it okay. There was a point in time that hearing you talk with these people broke me as a person. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I cried, I drank, I wanted everything I felt to go away. I wanted to leave and never come back. To just ghost everyone because if I leave first it won’t hurt me. So I left and ignored people. I only spent time with close friends who I cared for. Over that week I drank with those friends and with each shot I took was more regret I held for myself. To love someone so much, but not be able to let go and let them be, I had to drink. This isn’t who I am. Those shots won’t bring you back and its only going to get worse for me. I slowed down because drinking didn’t make anything better. It never fixed a problem I had in life, but it masked the issue at hand for awhile and thats all I ever wanted. I came back and stopped ghosting people. I never figured out how to cope with losing someone I find important in my life. Its always sudden and there is nothing I could ever do to make them not leave me. Its a choice they make and all I could ever do was respect their decisions and not make them think about me. I pack my feelings down inside me because bothering people with my problems is not something I do. I never want people to feel what I feel because sadness sucks and all I want in life is joy. If you must know, I loved you since November. We spent two weeks together and something inside of me sparked for you. Those two weeks made me want to spend more time with you and I was always thinking about you. You left me for awhile because you were dealing with things and I gave the space you needed with some messages to let you know I cared for you. Sometimes people just don’t want to talk I fully understood it. I could only wait and hope for your return. Time passes and I came to terms with my feelings for you. It wasn’t going away like I wished for them to. I was never one to be brave with my feelings so with a swig of the ol faithful confidence juice I told you how I felt. I was met with confusion and silence then later the call ending. It hurt a lot yes, but you probably had to process things. I don’t blame you for leaving at all and so I decided to never bring it up. I left it alone and things slowly fell apart. We weren’t talking anymore and I didn’t know what to do about it. Everything inside of me told me to just let it go. My friends told me to let you go, but I couldn’t. I could only ever think about the past and what we did together. I could only hope for things to be like that again. I didn’t care if you never loved me, I just wanted to be there for you, to be a friend. Being friends is better than losing you completely. So when we just abruptly stopped talking as much it hurt. I didn’t know what to do with myself anymore. Talking to you wasn’t an option anymore it went against what I believed in. Talking about you to other people wasn’t something I was going to do either, so getting drunk was the short term answer. In my sober state at work I would think about you and I had to tell you where you were in my life. I debated about this for two days and on the third day I told you. I didn’t sleep for about 30 hours at that point and I was drunk so I’m not sure what made me want to fess up. We weren’t talking and it was of course sudden for me to have messaged you. I told you the importance I held for you and its true. You’re important and your feelings are important to me. I will respect the decisions you choose to take and I will support those decisions fully. If you never want to see me again I will support the hell of that. I want you to make choices and have no regrets in life if those decisions make you happy and better as a person. I never want to hold you back and I want you to be the best you can ever be in life because at the end that is the goal I want everyone to have. So while i love you to death for the time being I will respect what you want and give the space you need.

#secret

[deeperthanjohn]

Release

I have been consumed by you and everything about you. I hide the pain, the fact you don’t talk to me. The fact that you talk to other people. Just tell me you don’t want to talk to me. Let me go so I can let me go. I wait forever to get nothing in return. I want you to be happy and I don’t want to bother you anymore. I don’t want to bring you down like how i brought myself down. I hear your voice and it crushes my soul. I lay there and wonder do you really think about me or are you keeping me for the ride. I want to pretend I don’t love you, but i really do. I want to let go, but I can’t. I want to be there, but you don’t. I want to release myself from my own torment that I put myself in. Let it be known because I know no one will know.

I love you - - - - -, you damn idiot.

#secret

[deeperthanjohn]

Damn.

Imagine falling in love again and being ecstatic about talking to this person everyday. Imagine staying up late and not sleeping because you just want to talk to them and nothing else matters to you. Imagine leaving calls with friends so you can be in a call with them, because the boys will always be there but she might not. Now imagine telling her that you actually really like her, thinking maybe she feels the same way, but instead of receiving the love back she leaves the call. Now you’re conflicted, hurt, sad, confused, and unsure. You don’t know what to do, but you still really like her and would jump at any opportunity to speak to her. You wait patiently because you just miss talking to her. You miss her voice. You miss the talks. You miss the way she says your name to you when you guys are alone. You miss everything that makes her her, issues and all. An entire month goes by and you talked three or four times, but you still wait because you’re hopeful. You miss her and it hurts like hell. You think about her all the time and no matter what you can’t stop. You drink to forget her but even when you’re absolutely hammered you still think about her. You still hope that the next message you get is her saying hello, but its not her. It won’t be her anymore because you don’t talk anymore. You say its time to let go, but you just can’t let her go. You hold onto everything so tightly like its a rope that’s saving you from falling off the cliff, but the cliff isn’t even that high and you’re really just a foot away from the floor. You just cried in the middle of the night because the thought of losing her hurts too much. You pretend you’re fine and everything seems normal to everyone else, but deep inside you’re holding onto a deep sadness. You start to think well maybe she just doesn’t want to talk to me anymore and that’s fine if she’s happy. You wish it wasn’t true, but deep down you know it could be true. You think well maybe she doesn’t want you in her life anymore. She doesn’t care about talking to you anymore. She has other people more important to her than you. You just accept these as facts and say its okay because of the memories you created together. Although you feel foolish for even falling in love again. Even when you closed yourself off and never fell for anyone. You never caught feels and you thought you wouldn’t catch feels anytime soon, but here she comes to break it all down. Now all you have are the memories that keep you awake at night because you still wait for her to say something back to you. You have responsibilities everyday, but you sleep late in hopes she’ll come back. You don’t know what to do anymore, because you’re confused and conflicted. You say let go, but you hold on. You say you’ll stop missing her, but end up missing her even more. You never tell her how you’re really feeling because if she does message you back you just want it to be a happy moment even if you were missing her so much. You’re slowly losing your mind because of all your feelings. You were hungover for 3 days straight because you couldn’t stop drinking. You feel like shit all the time, but she’ll never know because you’ll never tell. You won’t ever tell anyone.

You just really miss her.  

#miss #you #alot

[deeperthanjohn]

[deeperthanjohn]

https://instagram.com/p/BN7vt_bjsdH/

[deeperthanjohn]

Just a normal day on japanese mountains, Nothing New! :)

[deeperthanjohn]

[deeperthanjohn]

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[deeperthanjohn]

me avoiding my responsibilities 

[deeperthanjohn]

[deeperthanjohn]

3 Years 10 months 22 days ago.

Since that dreaded day I have overcome many feelings and I’ve changed emotionally and mentally as a person. I remember my sleepless nights, red teary eyes, the smell of vodka that made me absolutely sick but comforted me at the same time. When I woke up that day, you told me something I feared to hear, something I feared to ever see. It was over. I wasn’t thinking and being a complete dumbass accepted it and went back to sleep only to awake in a frenzy of emotions and questions that would stay on my mind for the rest of the months to come. 1 year would finally pass, i’m on the road to recovery. Things are getting better, I’m coping without you, thinking less of you, reverting back to my old self, but I was not completely the same as before. I was being mean for no reason, I closed up not wanting to show who I really am in fear of having it repeat again. Months pass by, I stopped thinking about you, about us. Things were getting better I was talking to more people, I was going out more things were good. November rolls around and a sinking feeling hits me in the stomach. Its that month, I remember everything I had tried to forget and the feelings I tried to throw away. What I had done to recover has been broken just because of a month, but I didn’t let that stop me from being happy. I carried on and things got better but from time to time I’d still have dreams of you with me. Those cursing dreams that were amazing, that filled this hole in me to complete me. They would occur at random times, when i had a thought about you my dream would be about you. 3 years pass and i’ve totally changed. I’m back to who I used to be. I’m more relaxed, open, who I was before but more. I still think of you from time to time, but that doesn’t bother me anymore. Feelings are still there but i’m happy for you. Your life is going well and that makes me happy knowing the things that bothered you before don’t seem to be bothering you anymore, but since we haven’t talked I wouldn’t really know.