frankymca

[frankymca]

A year ago

When I think back about who I was a year ago all I remember is being a mess. I remember the girl that cried in the crowd of a concert because she missed her ex. I remember the girl that skipped meals and hid in her car for lunch breaks at work. I remember the girl that was sick of trying and failing, so she only did what was easy. I wanted to be liked by people whose opinion I did not care about prior, I wanted to fit in with my friends, to have natural hair and wear skinny jeans. I wanted to not be me.

I realized how self-centered I was for months and years before that. How I put myself on a pedestal and “how dare you talk shit about me, you’re just jealous because you peaked in High School and I’m peaking now“.

Good for me I did not peak at 19. I was a bitch at 19.

When my ex broke up with me I thought it’s her loss, I’m great and she’s missing out on that. Now I know that I was far from great. I was toxic and terrible and everything I thought I wasn’t. What I am trying to say is; If I would have been my ex, I would have ended things way sooner, gosh, if I would have been her, I would have never started thing off with me in the first place.

This is not about her, though. Although lately, everything is about her again. So, hey Augs, if you’re seeing this (and I know you will or at least that’s what I’m telling myself), how’s things going? Everything sitting tight? February is kicking butts again, as usual, you know how it is with me and that time of year. But besides that I’m a lot better now. Have you seen what I’m up too lately? Lots of cool shit… totally… 100%… definitely not just saying this to appear cool. Well, I guess I still can only dream to be half the person you are. I really don’t know if you’re happy and it is not my place to ask but I’m glad the fighting with your friends seemed to have found an end, I’m glad you and your sister get along better now, I’m glad you finally dropped out of school. Not because I want you to have a miserable life, just because I know how much school took a toll on you. I hope you find something that’s more your cup of tea.

I’m losing my focus again, something I try to allow myself to do lately. Not everything always has to be straight forward and thought through till perfection.

What I was trying to say, I only remember the bad parts of me from a year ago. I always only remember the bad parts of my life. Isn’t your brain psychologically supposed to forget the bad stuff and hold onto the good things? I wouldn’t know, I stopped reading about psychology about the same time I stopped buying clothes at least twice my size and call half a cucumber a “healthy lunch“. I cannot be my own therapist, and I cannot be anyone else’s either.

I only remember the bits of my past that make me roll my eyes in cringe so far back that I can see parts of my brain that I can name since Junior High but never admitted because being good in biology is not the emo-punk-alt-mix image that I wanted people to have about me. Turns out just because you listen to Fall Out Boy religiously, wear black jeans and keep a skateboard in the trunk of your car at all times does not make people think you’re cool and edgy and alternative. Bummer.

What I’m trying to say is, not all of me sucked a year ago.

I just went through an old Pinterest board to find ~the perfect playlist cover~, (as one does), and I have gotten flashbacks of the person I was a year ago. And damn, was I a sick little bitch. And not the kind of bitch I referred myself as earlier in this text, but the female empowering kind of bitch. The way Hayley Williams, Melanie Perkins and Michelle Obama are sick little bitches!

Not that I could compare myself with any of those women, not that I would even stand a chance to be in the same room as any of these women.

But I was badass. A little at least. While I was in the worst period of self-consciousness ever, since I was 12, or 14, or 16, I was also the most confident I ever was. I might have treated myself like absolute garbage but I sure as hell did not let anyone else just look at me with wrong intentions. While I always had thick skin for peoples comments (quite literally, because the most people were talking shit about me was my weight), I never stood up for myself. I simply did not care about any of that enough. And now finally I did? That’s a change I did not expect in my last months of being a teen girl.

All I’m trying to phrase with this one is that sometimes I guess I do need to cut myself some slack. I did outrageously stupid things like going to a concert 200 miles away from home while continuously telling my mom that I went with my ex – who she didn’t know I stopped talking to approximate a year prior (some day I will tell her the truth, maybe) – but I did some epic shit like going to a concert 200 miles away from home while continuously telling my mom that I went with my ex. To keep this short and simple, my vision board around that time is something I can only dream about now, but then again, isn’t that the whole purpose of a vision board? Whilst my hair was chocolate brown, a color I haven’t seen on my head since I stared 7th grade, I was living my best life as a natural red. You can take the hair dye away from me, but you cannot take the color red out of my soul. I was courageous, I was bold, and I was fucking red. So although I was being an insecure pain in the ass for everyone that had to hold a conversation with me, I was the absolute definition of rockstar girlfriend in my dreams and behind the curtains. And now that I do not have a 9-to-5 that requires me to keep my hair, well, not crazily colored, and I have no tears left for peoples that I want in my life but who do not want me to be in theirs, I think it is time to let the curtain fall and let the world get a glimpse of who they have been missing out on. It is time to let Fran be the center of my consciousness again. After all, it is hard to be the fun aunt if you have no fun stories to share. Oh wait, did I say too much now? Hm, no time for explanations, I think I’m reaching the word limi-

#fran writes #im not interested enough to end it like this #but I wanted to post on different social but its too long for that

[frankymca]

his favorite songs is the one i always listened to when i was still with you. the one you asked me about when we were in my car making out leaving no room for jesus because “you’re only 18 once”.

the one our favorite actor posted a cover of on tiktok and we couldn’t stop listening to his 30 second version.

i hate this song now.

i tried to give it a new meaning, a new person to connect with and a new voice singing the words. but whenever this song plays, i still see your sundress in my car, i smell your perfume laced with weed, and i feel your lips on mine.

and im left wondering if you still think about me too? and when my soul embarks, will you follow me into the dark?

#fran writes #awsten knight singing death cap for cutie made me miss my ex

[frankymca]

Remembering the way your eyes met mine is something I never want to forget. Yet, there's this nagging fear that if I hold onto it too tightly, I might be closing the door on falling in love forever.

#fran talks #my yn moment #if i’d say who this is about people would think im weird #idc

[frankymca]

Believing in God shouldn't bring misery; it's meant to evoke a sense of greatness and boundless possibility. Yet, I find myself ungrateful and doubtful of the attainability of my desires. Am I thinking too big or too small? Are my wishes too surreal, or are my prayers too quiet?

I deserve happiness, and my faith was meant to guide me toward it. However, it often feels as if my sins are unforgivable, and years of discredit can never be undone. Why does believing in God seem to amplify the weight of my mistakes rather than offer solace and redemption?

#fran talks #or maybe #fran writes #also #fran thought all my problems are fixable #turns out the aren’t

[frankymca]

good thing im writing my bachelors dissertation about matteo so i can look up pics of him anytime i want and im still being productive

matteo florenzi smoking in his grandpa clothes is very personal to me

[frankymca]

A reason, a season, a lifetime

People are in your life for one of three things. A reason, a season, or a lifetime.

When I started seeing guys from the internet, they were a reason. To get out of my comfort zone, to live in the moment, to realize the beauty i carry. Most of them are questionable people with bad personalities, but I’m glad I’ve met them because they made me feel a little less pathetic for a day or two. I didn’t care for them enough to be a season bare a lifetime, but each and everyone has taught me a little life lesson, even if they don’t know that.

I really wanted you to be a season. Between us, I really wanted you to be a lifetime.

I felt easy around you, comfortable and for the first time in forever, I didn’t fear to meet you. You were more than a fun little distraction, you made me want to be alive.

With your last kiss I begged the universe for more. I kept telling myself that it’s right person wrong time and we will meet again in a year from now, both in much better places financially and academically, and we will meet again, accidentally, and go out for a coffee and a chat and this time, the right time, we will fall in love.

Now that the adrenaline washed off, I know this will not happen, or maybe it will, but whatever outcome it brings, I am going to be alright.

I wanted you to stay in my life because you inspire me to be a better person and because you gave me clarity about my future. I had a mere plan about what to do after university and maybe it would work out, or maybe it wouldn’t, and maybe I’d be 30 and still living with my parents. Now I know what I want to do. Thanks to you, I know what I want to do!

I really want to see you again, I really want to make this work, I really want you to be a lifetime, but for now you are a reason, the best reason yet, and for now, that’s more than I ever expected.

#fran writes #but i actually like this guy #poetry #i guess

[frankymca]

I have read a million romance books and stories where the love interest kisses the protagonist to stop them from outsmarting the love interest or simply rambling about nonsense.

I always thought that’s a little weird. Mainly because I am stubborn and wouldn’t let a kiss stop me from getting my point across, but other aspects puddle up as well.

That was, at least, until you kissed me for sharing unnecessary funfacts that no one asked about.

I talk a lot when I’m nervous, and you make me so incredibly nervous in the best way possible. It was only a matter of time until I’d have this happen to me, but I never thought I could miss something so badly, that I put away as weird just a week ago.

#fran talks #fran writes #he has a j-name #and he doesn’t want me #but for one night it felt like he’s my boyfriend

[frankymca]

forehead kisses are far more intimate than kisses on the lips and guys just don’t understand that (got ghosted by a dude that gave me forehead kisses)

#fran talks #why do guys always do that? #they always give you forehead kisses and then leave your life forever

[frankymca]

you ruined my day. and you don’t know that because i don’t even cross your mind.

#fran talks #i get easily attached to people it’s the worst

[frankymca]

I heard your song in the supermarket the other day and I can’t stop thinking about you since.

These days, I don’t think about you often, but your voice through the speakers will never not make me reminisce the past.

I’m your age now, which is wild to think about. When I was sixteen I thought you must have your life together, right? Because you’re in your 20s with a job, a dream, and a way.

Now I know this wasn’t true.

Some days I still miss you, and I guess in a weird way I will always miss you a little.

For the most time, I wanted you to miss me too, but now I know I’ll be fine if you don’t.

You were my first serious crush, I was just the girl on the other side of the screen.

You know what’s funny? I know you wanted me because I reminded you of your best friend and the girl you couldn’t date because she’s way out of your league. If I had a nickel for every time this happened to me, I had two nickels, which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice, right?

I’ve grown and changed a lot since we last talked and in the most platonic way possible, you would love the person I am today. Not in the slightest am I a good person, but I’m happy, I found my place and peace and I pursue my dreams.

For a while I wanted you to hate who I turned out to be. I guess just because it’s easier to live a life without you if I knew you’d hate me anyways, or because I’m petty.

I know in another life and under different circumstances we are the best of friends. And I hope in this life, we are each others happy memories.

#I joke about your presence in my life #you got to admit it is pretty hilarious #and kinda iconic #but i’m glad i’ve met you #you didn’t change my life #but you made me get through it when i didn’t know who else to trust #ds #fran talks #about the boy across the ocean #fran writes #about the person that he wasn’t

[frankymca]

has whoever put jatp in the 30 Minute Laughs category watched the same show than i did? cause i sure as hell cried my eyes out (especially ep8)

#fran talks #jatp #the only joke is netflix for canceling it

[frankymca]

you never told her about me because you knew it’d be wrong.

and if you knew, why did you do it?

#fran talks

[frankymca]

i don’t want you to be the first person that shows up when i share something on my phone. and i don’t talk to enough people for this to change anytime soon.

#fran talks

[frankymca]

You think hope keeps you alive, when really, hope is what’s killing you slowly and painfully. The moment you know it’s over, you shouldn’t be sitting there waiting for more. You’ve been shot, you’re already dead. Do you want to bleed out slowly just to dodge another bullet, or, get shot by the truth again right then and there?

I know that I’m always hoping for a better ending. We all are, but it’s hard to admit when you know how the story will end. With or without hope.

When you turn your phone on do not disturb because it gives you another few hours of hope before you realize you did not receive that text you’ve been waiting for.

When you’re taking the long way for a few extra minutes of not having to face the issue.

When you don’t pick up the phone on the first ring because there’s a few seconds of hope before you hear what you’ve been dreading.

The moment you know you’re just bearing it out, you’ve lost already, and you know that. But it’s never easy to give up on the things we want, so we’re letting it eat us alive and call it hope because what if it does change our story? But what if it doesn’t and we’re out here wasting our time on an ending thats already set in stone?

#fran writes #also fran is sad #and had a terrible panic attack yesterday #and can’t wait for better than revenge taylor’s version cause the guy i like is dating the girl he told me not to worry about 👍🏻 #and i think i need a hug

[frankymca]

You ruined me.

Because before you, I thought I was unlovable. I wasn’t desirable or worth to be appreciated and i was never going to the person that made someone smile at their phone or laugh at their texts.

You made me feel worthy of someone’s time and like you could actually genuinely like me.

You didn’t. You ran away the first chance you got. And I’m here, just waiting for you to tell me that it’s you, but you’ve sorted it all out now and you’re ready to be in love with me.

I know it’s pathetic and not worth the wait, but you’re the only person on this planet that ever wanted to kiss me and touch me and told me I looked pretty.

And I will never be able to stop thinking about it.

#fran talks #or maybe #fran writes #maybe both #fran has a crush on someone who doesn’t deserve it definitly

[frankymca]

im supposed to be better off without you, so why do i miss you and your name on my screen and your touch on my body and you lips on mine and your stupid smile and the way you laugh after you make a ridiculous joke and your voice when you talk about something you like and everything else you have

#fran talks #hes got one too many chances

[frankymca]

i was risking so much just to tell my mom the truth about you, and for what?

#fran talks #more like thinks out loud #this should have been a tweet #(follow me on twitter for sad thoughts and good lyrics @frankymca) #actually don’t follow me on twitter it’s my digital diary