goingfor85

[goingfor85]

so i’ve been away from home for a few weeks for work and havent had my scale, which has made me pay a lot more attention to how my body looks which is kinda nice actually. i noticed today that my thigh gap is finally completely back and im v excited :)

#not pr0 just for myself #only pr0 for myself #pro @na #an0rex1a #tw ed vent

[goingfor85]

today has made kinda just wanna ✨not be alive anymore✨

[goingfor85]

hi i just need to talk about things so it’s all going here.

so im in a relationship and i love my boyfriend so so much, but when i see my ex bf post about his new partner all the time it kinda makes me upset? not bc i want to be with him, but we were together for two years and he didnt post anything with me a single time and was extremely noncommittal. he just treated me like i didnt matter. and now he’s dating someone new, and he started dating them really fast and posts pictures of them all the time. i guess it just hurts because i gave him so much and tried so hard to make him care about me, and he never did. but this new person comes in and he gives them everything he never gave me within a month of meeting them.

it’s okay because i finally do have someone who gives me the world, but it still makes me feel like something must be wrong with me for him to have treated me so badly if he isnt doing it to someone else just a few months later

for context: he was the first guy i dated who didnt literally abuse me, but even then he was kinda shitty to me. so i kinda have a complex abt thinking something must be wrong with me because i’ve been treated badly so many times. so seeing one of those people that hurt me treat another person well really instills the feeling of it all being my fault.

also earlier (before i was thinking abt this) i cried for like an hour bc i hate myself and feel like i deserve to be treated badly by my current bf, so i was kinda set up to be upset when a pic of my ex and his new partner came up on my social media feed. also my apartment got a bomb threat earlier and it’s just been a long fucking day

anyways, if you read this whole thing i love u

#only pr0 for myself #not pr0 just for myself #pr0 @na #tw ed vent #an0rex1a

[goingfor85]

120 cal baked apples+ice cream!!!

okay so i kinda made this as a combo of a bunch of recipes i’ve found, and im obsessed w it and eat it every day now. the cals vary depending on how big your apple is and how much ice cream you use, so you can make it less/more if you want

ingredients:

1 apple (58 cals for 112g)

splenda packet/sweetener of choice

cinnamon

halo top vanilla ice cream (63 cals for 55g)

instructions:

peel and chop your apple into small/medium pieces (see pic). this came out to 112g for me, which was a medium-large apple

add 1 tbsp water, half a splenda packet or other sweetener, and a bit of cinnamon in a microwavable bowl and mix together

add the apples to the bowl and stir to make sure all the apples are coated in the mixture

microwave for 2 minutes with something on top to keep the steam in. i used a paper plate with a hole in it lol

drain the water (or put the apples in a new bowl) and add your ice cream :)

i swear this doesnt even taste like ed food, it’s soooo good omg. the highlight of my life rn lol

#ana recipe #only pr0 for myself #not pr0 just for myself #an0rex1a #tw ed vent #pro @na

[goingfor85]

omg i just made microwave baked apples and ice cream and it didnt even taste like ed food!!!! and was only 120 cals for a decent portion. i’ll post the recipe later when im not lazy but ahhhh im so excited

#ana recipe #pr0 @na #an0rex1a #only pr0 for myself #not pr0 just for myself #tw ed vent

[goingfor85]

i think i might start counting the calories in my vitamin gummies and counting “zero calorie” sodas as 5 calories. not counting them is kinda freaking me out and i know it’s so negligible that it couldnt possibly (realistically) matter, but my ed brain says im not really staying under my limit.

also, as a side note, i keep feeling like im faking my ed and i hate it

#i take my vitamins as soon as i wake up so this wont make me stop taking them #only pr0 for tags #an0rex1a #pr0 @na #only pr0 for myself #not pr0 just for myself #tw ed vent

[goingfor85]

i’ve had such a shitty day but at least i didnt eat anything

[goingfor85]

ahhh i’ve eaten sooooo much the past few days and i feel so gross and disgusting :(( i think im gonna fast for a few days

[goingfor85]

so last night i binged and ate a ton of food, and i was really upset abt it and felt terrible. but this morning i decided i wanted to hold myself accountable and actually count the cals of everything i ate, and my total for the day was actually about the same as my tdee surprisingly. im so relieved (still upset, but less than before ig)

#pr0 @na #an0rex1a #only pr0 for myself #not pr0 just for myself #tw ed vent

[goingfor85]

if you’ve just binged, read this

(this is information i have taken from a forum!)

so you just binged and you’re probably feeling devastated right now but i’m here to shed a little light on the situation in hopes to make you feel a little bit better about what happened!

(little disclaimer, i’m no expert so feel free to add anything on or let me know about anything)

~ first things first, weighing in the same day/day after there’s a few things you should know ~

– you probably know what water weight is and know that it’s extra water retained in cells and it’s most definitely not equal to weight from fat but i think it’s helpful to know the actual extent to which water weight can actually affect what the scale says after a binge so i’m gonna break it down.

∙ water weight from carbs – i know when i binge, i hit bread, pastas, and anything sweet + made with flour hard (pancakes are a true weakness) your body needs 3-4 grams of water to process each gram of carb that you eat. to give you an example of how much this can add up, let’s say during your binge you ate 2 cups of oatmeal (54 carbs), one large cookie (in my example i’m going to use a Lenny and Larry’s), (34 carbs), one hersheys chocolate bar (26 carbs) and 3 slices of 14” pizza (110 carbs), that’s 224 grams of carbs. 224 grams of carbs x 3 grams of water per carb (i like to go on the lower end just to be safe) = 672 grams of water weight. this translates to about 1.5 pounds / .67 kilograms of water weight just from carbs. this will usually effect you the day of and the day after.

∙ sodium weight – another effect carbs can have on your water weight if the sodium they carry with them many times. your body reacts to sodium by storing excess water throughout the body to help handle it. this translate to extra weight on top of the carb weight.

∙ periods – ayone who gets a period knows the havoc it can cause on your body and your weight is no exception. not only do you gain water weight/excess weight (gas, bloating etc.) while on your period, you can gain 2-10 pounds / .9-4.5 kilos of water weight the week leading up to your period before it starts as well.

∙ muscle recovery – your muscles use a lot of water to repair and recover themselves, and this is especially true when you get back into strenuous exercise after a period of time off. if you’re feeling sore after a workout and are up in weight, you can probably attribute at least some to your muscles recovering.

additionally, water weight isn’t invisible on the body. many times when you carry excessive amounts of water weight (like after a binge) all around your body and it’s usually most noticeable in places like your ankles, wrists and hands. so if you measure yourself after a binge, you should take into account swelling from water weight.

– water weight is definitely not the only source of non-fat weight gain after a binge. other sources can include:

∙ food weight – the food you ate weighs something, the weight can’t disappear. however much the food weighed from your binge adds to the number on the scale and will remain there until you have a BM.

∙ BMs / Your Bladder – as i mentioned in my last point, the weight from the food has to go somewhere. take into consideration the last time you had a BM and make sure to empty your bladder before you weigh yourself, this can (grossly enough) add up weight very quickly.

~ calorie math ~

– if you’re unaware of how basic calorie math (usually) breaks down, you need to burn 3500 calories to lose a pound (1 lb = .45 kilos). the same goes for gaining weight. you need to eat 3500 calories more than you burn (if you don’t know yours, it’s super helpful to know, you can find out here) to gain 1 lb / .45 kilos. this means your RMR + your daily activities + any exercise you do + 3500 calories to gain 1 lb / .45 kilos in a day. granted there are some exceptions to this like i said. if your metabolism is damaged or you’re coming of off a longer fast, your body will put on weight much easier than a healthy metabolism. additionally, calorie math gets tricky around mono dieting and fasting where factors such as ketosis and muscle mass are involved, but i’m just going to stick to the basics. to give you an example of how this would look, my RMR is about 1400, i burn about 450 calories walking around the house and doing my daily activities, burn about 500 when i go to the gym and about 100 walking my dog. so 1400 + 450 + 600 = 2,450 calories burned. 2,450 + 3500 = 5,950. i would need to eat almost 6,000 calories to gain one pound of fat in a day when my metabolism is doing well.

∙ on top of this, it’s relatively easy to estimate how much weight you will lose/gain in one day. the formula looks like this:

(# of calories burned - # of calories eaten) / 3500 calories = weight gain/loss for the day.

i find this to be super helpful when i freak out over eating 500 calories over my maintenance because i realize 500 calories over translates to just .14 pounds / .06 kilos. even a larger binge, say 1,000 over how much i burn is just .29 pounds / .13 kilos.

another disclaimer that i should just mention again: this is assuming you have a healthy average metabolism. some people have faster ones, some slower and binging after fasting, monoing definitely effects this.

~ to close this out i just want to mention 2 things i tell myself that are actually positives of binges ~

∙ revs up your metabolism – after eating too little for too long, your metabolism will eventually slow down to protect your body. when you binge, it says to your body, “hey, you’re getting enough/more than enough, speed that metabolism back up we’re good to go!” and once you go back to restricting/fasting/etc. your reinvigorated metabolism will help you lose weight faster.

∙ muscle recovery/building – to build muscle, your body needs nutrients, you need protein and calories to get toned up / get muscle. this is why professional body builders do what are called bulks. they eat an excess amount of calories for a period of time which causes their muscles to grow exponentially. now while i think very few of us on this on this site are aiming to look like body builders, binging the day of or after an intense strength training session contributes to muscle recovery and growth. this does not mean getting big muscles, it’s not that easy, don’t worry, you won’t look bulky. what it does mean is that you’ll, 1. improve your performance as an athlete 2. look just that extra bit more toned and skinny once you lose weight again.

so take a deep breath in, tomorrow is a new day, a new chance, focus on that and forgive yourself. hope this helped y’all 🖤

[goingfor85]

got drunk last night and ate way too much bc i kept eating stupid fucking tostitos and then ate a granola bar right before i went to bed for no reason. fuck drunk me lol

[goingfor85]

the ed bitch urge to pack ramen broth for my work lunch and hope no one notices there are no noodles in my ramen

#an0r3xic #tw ana thoughts

[goingfor85]

finally starting to restrict again and im not letting myself fail this time

[goingfor85]

hiii welcome to my monthly “im back from disappearing again” post

[goingfor85]

although on the bright side zoloft is a life saver and my depression is so much better than it was. other than this bullshit i’ve felt pretty okay lately

hey guys gals n pals, i disappeared for a lil while bc i started seeing someone (we’re dating now) and since i was spending so much time with him i ended up “recovering” for a few weeks bc i was with him during meals. but it’s spring break at my university so im alone rn, and im definitely on track to end up right where i started. definitely didn’t recover, and i feel like absolute shit rn for eating today. i just want to cry. why cant i be normal?

[goingfor85]

hey guys gals n pals, i disappeared for a lil while bc i started seeing someone (we’re dating now) and since i was spending so much time with him i ended up “recovering” for a few weeks bc i was with him during meals. but it’s spring break at my university so im alone rn, and im definitely on track to end up right where i started. definitely didn’t recover, and i feel like absolute shit rn for eating today. i just want to cry. why cant i be normal?

#not pr0 4n4 #just ed stuff #an0r3xic #an0rexya #tw ana thoughts #an0rexx

[goingfor85]

i accidentally cut my finger this morning while trying to poke a new hole in my belt, and it’s so ironic bc im like “ouchy😢” but at the same time im literally constantly intentionally inflicting harm upon myself

#like i wanna CHOOSE when to get hurt #lemme tighten my belt in peace