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Maybe I've worn myself into a mental rut thinking I have to set up a practice booth. Thus far I've managed to evade complaints from the neighbors about my practice. More importantly, I've seen that the trajectory of my playing so far isn't going to allow me to practice long hours like I really wanted to at the outset, so I'm not actually going to torture anyone with four-hour sessions.

The fact that this thought comes to me after telling myself that I probably need some breathing room... may be a sign that I have some feels to process about discovering my current limitations.

Yeah so, it's not a coincidence that I quit after getting diagnosed with fibro. I already knew how bad it could get for some people, and I was working a high-stress and insecure job in burnout mode... I knew what was coming. I think I was afraid it would break me to watch myself slowly lose my ability to play, to want to play and not be able to--I just couldn't deal with the idea. That plus never getting real help with my right hand--it just seemed less painful at that point to convince myself I didn't want to play anymore. And I dunno, maybe it would have broken me at the time to watch my career fall apart due to illness and then also be frustrated in wanting to play, but not being able to.

I just wish I understood better why all those feels are hitting me right now. Is it because I'm starting to really hear my old sound come back? Have I just burnt myself out again and it's triggering all these old feelings about being burnt out? Have I just finally cracked because I'm feeling lonely out here?

#personal #marve won't shut up about violin

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Spouse has pointed out that I am doing a lot these days, much more than usual... and maybe it's just not sustainable. I have to admit that I'm getting stuck in a rut of berating myself to do more, to have "normal people"-levels of productivity because I have so many things standing between me and finally having a nice studio... but maybe the depression and anxiety are a sign that I'm burning myself out.

Should I... should I take some kind of break from fixing up the apartment? How long should it last? What if I gave myself some breathing room and just focused on music until I get the recording of "Love Song" done? Would that help?

#personal

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WHY IS THIS SUCH A BANGER THO-

#Moonic Productions #blursed covers #musical fuckery #Shakira

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“In an age of enormities, the emotions are naturally weakened. We are continually called upon to have feelings — about genocide, for instance, or about famine or the blowing up of passenger planes — and we are all aware that we are incapable of reacting appropriately. A guilty consciousness of emotional inadequacy or impotence makes people doubt their own human weight.”

— Saul Bellow, It All Adds Up

#mood

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Day 112.

Why am I so sad and scared, wonders local dingus diagnosed with the Get Sad and Get Scared Diseases, respectively.

Speaking of the head game... the brain-weasels have been so loud today, loud enough to be discouraging me from practicing properly. My mood has been oscillating pretty hard over the last few days, which is kinda new for me. I am wondering if there's something specific that touched this off or if my brain has at last decided it is not happy about no longer being on The One Antidepressant That Actually Worked But Now Costs $450 A Month.

I am, in a way, rather impressed by how much the brain weasels have sapped my confidence in recording myself despite this one giving me my best chance yet to sound kind of okay as opposed to flat-out sucking. Maybe there's a bit more vulnerability here just because I've made no secret about this one getting uhhh... a little more personal than "Salut" has been. *cough*

OMG though, it has been really hard to free up my sense of rhythm a little to make this more singerly. I'm already hitting them high-ass notes for the bridge but they also have to sound like they belong there or else why did I even do this to myself LOL.

AAAAAAA I have less than a week AAAAAAA-

#personal #marve won't shut up about violin

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died and came back exactly the same but something was so so so wrong with me before and now I have an excuse to really lean into it

#[snerk]

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*slams the 'Share' button*

HOLY SHIT I'M GONNA CRY

#Jakub Józef Orliński #Gluck #classical music

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george washington was the first king, and his rule lasted from the year 0 to 1776. he clipped his toenails in the west and the rocky mountains piled up. bored one night, he ejaculated in the headwaters of the mississippi and by the time his sperm reached the delta, they had matured to adult men: the first Americans. during his reign great infrastructure projects were undertaken; he personally oversaw the construction of the brooklyn bridge and the chicago bean. he was succeeded upon his death by little gay bitch thomas jefferson

#twelve stories high/made of radiation- #historical shitposts

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don't know what I was dreaming abt last night but I woke up with thee phrase "The Sicilian iPad" clearly in my head. thee emphasis on these words was such that it implied this was an important and dramatic object like a coveted or influential art piece

#don't make a Corsican Dildo joke don't do it Marve- #literary shitposting

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“Lord Byron gets up at two. I get up, quite contrary to my usual custom … at 12. After breakfast we sit talking till six. From six to eight we gallop through the pine forest which divide Ravenna from the sea; we then come home and dine, and sit up gossiping till six in the morning. I don’t suppose this will kill me in a week or fortnight, but I shall not try it longer. Lord B.’s establishment consists, besides servants, of ten horses, eight enormous dogs, three monkeys, five cats, an eagle, a crow, and a falcon; and all these, except the horses, walk about the house, which every now and then resounds with their unarbitrated quarrels, as if they were the masters of it… . [P.S.] I find that my enumeration of the animals in this Circean Palace was defective … . I have just met on the grand staircase five peacocks, two guinea hens, and an Egyptian crane. I wonder who all these animals were before they were changed into these shapes.”

— Percy Bysshe Shelley on the lifestyle of Lord Byron (via timemarauder)

#still not as much of a mess as Byron #hashtag winning #(?)

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it’s monday i’m in the labyrinth

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#...can we talk about the crotch ribbons please

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USS Constitution

#Friggin' Frigate Friday #maritime

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Why the fuck does the landlord keep asking us what times it would be okay to have to put up with the noise from the contractors and then proceed to not communicate that start time to said contractors, who basically just show up whenever and start whanging away first thing in the morning?

Honestly, it's a far worse offense in my mind that he asks us for our input and doesn't follow through, as opposed to just being honest about not actually giving a shit.

#having a normal time here in New England #personal

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Okay, so... I might be depressed again. Not like, in danger or anything, just that the brain weasels have been a bit louder lately.

I mean, I haven't really had the chance to finish processing that after three years of pandemic isolation I basically got ripped away from everything I knew just as things were starting to open back up and dropped in a new location with a long and isolating to-do list in front of me. I have no idea how to even attempt a social life out here (and yes I checked meetup.com to see what people are into... hiking groups and Bible study so LOL nope). And Spouse has been wholly consumed by work and school, so I am probably just... not getting enough social support for *gestures vaguely* all of this.

I suppose there might also be some correlation between getting hit by a second freight train of feels for the Muse and my backsliding mental health...

#tw depression #tw mental illness #personal

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replob if there are at least two things wrong with you at any given time but especially now

#...just two? #'cause I got a whole laundry list

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