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unboxing sexual trauma part 2–
So I haven’t spoken abt the indirect sexual abuse like, having old men leer at me, being cat called every time I walked to school when I was 8 years old. it was constant, I started to wear boys clothes and didn’t want to be a girl anymore even though I loved pink and cute things and I loved being girly.
The actual direct abuse, alright.
So I had that first bad relationship that ended my freshman year, dated an 18 year old next when I was 15. He was some nerdy music theater guy, stubborn, and prone to insulting — think stereotypical Boston family, like he moved to my city later on in life. We’d play videogames together, but honestly without choir and theater we had virtually nothing in common. But I liked feeling like someone loved me, and he was mean to everyone but me which made me feel special. He also was short, unintimidating, and funny. He wasn’t attractive to me, but I figured I wanted a nice guy who cares about looks didn’t Marge Simpson love Homer? yeah. The damage psychologically was already done. Things ended bc we had no chemistry and I still held out for 3 months of dating, he also saw my severe self harm scars and cried. We broke up shortly after I told him I had some trauma around sex and wanted to take things slow. He told me his last girlfriend cheated on him too. We probably were better off friends anyways, when we kissed it felt like I was kissing a family member on the cheek. Like zero sparks.
I don’t know why I included that ^^^ but im sharing a lifetime of my bullshit right now so bear with me
The next guy I dated was pretty quickly, he’d been an outlier on my big friend group since middle school. I was such a sucker for shojo like anime tropes. He had pined after me for years, given me gifts and always praised me. I thought he looked like a troll. He ended up working out and clearing his acne a little, he grew a little taller (still only like 5’6 but im 5’1) he started dressing a little nicer and being less whiny. He liked anime, I liked anime, he said he liked gaming (but usually I was the one hijacking his Skyrim account and gaming all night bc he didn’t actually game), we both did choir and he conveniently was always around to help. Finally my junior year I was 16, this was the age id always told myself I wanted to lose my v card. I didn’t want to wait too long bc then it would be an even bigger deal, my friends were losing theirs, I didn’t want to be like the weird one. I also started smoking weed and drinking a little bit, starting to go to parties and join social circles more legitimately. I also was more attractive, most everyone forgot the “shitty lay” and “she’s pregnant” rumors from freshman year. People weren’t so mean to me and the popular boys were starting to ask me out, I genuinely thought they were joking I was so defensive and id be a mean bitch. It felt good to be cruel to the people who were cruel to me. Lowkey it’s embarrassing but I gave tsundere vibes and I was proud of it, I felt cool for being one of the only kids smoking weed and id come to school late and stoned every day. One of the people who smoked me up for the first time was abusive ex 2, id originally planned to do all this stuff with a hotter friend but he went to a different school and we couldn’t coordinate. Ugly abusive ex 2 was my chemistry tutor so i had a handful of late FaceTimes and study halls with him. Then abusive ex 2 started to take me on dates, smoke me out, he spent like $50-100 every week taking me out and doing things with me, it was textbook lovebombing but to me I just thought he was trying to impress me after wanting me for so long.
Smugly, I brought up that id wanted to try sex with a friend just to get it out of the way. He was a virgin, I liked that, and he had an objectively bigger dick than I would’ve expected. Still never got much experience to know where it fell on a scale but yeah. I wanted no strings attached. I was the first to give a blowjob, it was kinda weird but not terrible. He came in like 30 seconds. But when it was his turn to go down on me bc he obviously wanted more, he made a stank face when he saw my pussy (an outie) and commented that I didn’t shave (just trimmed) before I could react he jams a finger in roughly, and tries to finger blast me like they do in porn while grossly licking everywhere but the clit. He didn’t like to eat pussy and told me every time after if I asked… I bled and it lasted maybe 3 or 5 minutes before he asked if I came. I said “I don’t know” and shakily got dressed. He reassured me we would learn to have better sex, I felt gross and regretted my choice. But then he doubled down on the gifts, on letting me crash at his house (my home life was chaotic to say the least), always getting me takeout or Starbucks or whatever I asked for every day, he gave me a big chunk of weed in a heart shaped jar and never told me no. My friends started to comment and how romantic it was and how I should give him a chance, he’s a nice guy. We had mid tier oral sex and smoked weed every day after school, I told him I didn’t want to have penetrative sex for a while and he was actually ok with it. When I was drunk on prom night we ended up having penetrative sex, it hurt and sucked and lasted about 1 minute. I felt dirty and weird after. I drunkenly took my makeup off and wondered if everyone enjoyed sex bc I didn’t think I did. I can’t tell you when it turned volatile exactly but he was porn brained, once we started having sex sex he told me about his kinks and we would try them, unsafely with no safe word, no foreplay, no after cuddles. I felt like a sex toy, and by this point id moved in full time because my parents didn’t want me at home. I don’t think I had a real orgasm the entire time, maybe a few times when I didn’t look at his face and fantasized about other men/women. Then he started to like slap me without warning in sex, or choke me incorrectly while my face turned purple. It was like violent things were the only things he could get off too. I felt like I was complacent but curious, I’d explore being “kinky”, is this what that was? We had such frequent aggressive sex, i had such low esteem just to feel desired made me tolerate a lot more than I should’ve. He started calling me a bitch and then the disrespect trickled into our real life as soon as I moved in. He knew I was more or less powerless and I didn’t have the esteem to leave. He would nit pick everything about me, and on top of that he was gross! I would tell him to stop being such a pig and a slob but he just told everyone I was a nag. Him and his alcoholic mom would gang up on me when he and I argued. I remember wanting to leave and every time I did the love bombing would continue, I wanted to be loved so badly… he would have sex with me when I was too fucked up to say yes, he would get off to me crying or gagging or choking, he liked to hit me. He liked anal sex. He liked calling me a bitch and being extremely rough. This was like… my only sex experiences so far. Then the rumors are that im kinky, im daddy issues, im slutty … it didn’t feel good and i felt trapped. I thought i had no other place to turn.
While a lot of those things could be considered sexual coercion rape (like anytime he was horny he expected sex and would threaten to kick me out if I didn’t) the times he actually raped me were terrible.
One time when we had argued at his house and i broke up with him he overpowered me in a physical fight ripped my clothes off and started fucking me, I went numb. Dissociated so hard I stayed the night just staring at the wall. He locked me in his room and wouldn’t let me leave many times, he told everyone I was crazy and left me with very few friends
He asked for anal and I said ok let’s try, he wasn’t gentle and he didn’t stop when I said no or slow down. He just kept fucking me roughly, it was like he got off to me hurting, similarly the first time we did anal the same thing happened except he used tingling lube that made it burn all the worse. My asshole tore and bled every time.
Made me blow him for 40+ minutes until my knees bled from the rough floor
He was having sex with me and I wanted to stop, he choked me until I was losing consciousness and slapped me until my ears were ringing not even hitting my face but the side of my ear. He said it was hot when I cried.
I had taken xanax and fallen asleep in bed, I had taken very strong triple pressed Xanax and it might have been the first time I did it. Although I’ve done xans since and even after a year long break wasn’t this fucked up. Idk if it was laced but anyways. I was out and couldn’t wake up. He started fucking me while I was drugged, I said no no no and tried to push him weakly. It felt like knives in my vagina, I was wet with blood bc I was dry when he started jamming it in. I kept blacking in and out I said no stop no. He came in me. I woke up in a puddle of cum and blood. My shirt was torn my panties missing. I couldn’t believe if it was real I felt like throwing up, dry heaved and nothing came out bc I didn’t eat for days. It hurt to pee, I had to strain. I still have to focus to pee now. Blood was on the tissue paper after. I immediately took a Xanax I couldn’t handle processing what happened, I didn’t have another place to stay for the next 2 weeks. I didn’t want to ask for help. I don’t remember much of that week I was doing so many drugs to numb the pain, he fucked me other times but I didn’t feel it or react. I wasn’t in my own body. I wasn’t even me anymore I was so damaged by the experience. Paralyzed. I ended up dumping him at a coffee shop during winter break, he violently raped me maybe two weeks prior. I’d spent time with my friends and out of state family mentally preparing to dump him. He said it was cool bc he wanted to fuck other girls anyways. I felt dirty and used up. I’d just let this ugly troll man abuse me for years, we were together for 2 years.
A week later I dropped out of school, partied every night, moved into a trap house, started dating my current bf I’ve been with for 6 years now.
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unboxing my sexual traumas for a moment—
Men, do so much to hurt us. It’s terrifying.
The first time I remember being sexually assaulted I was 13/14, my first boyfriend. he had been cheating on his cool high school gf with me, we were both in middle school, I didn’t even know about her existence until a year in. I didn’t do social media, I had a flip phone, I was naive and a boy other girls liked was interested in me— a wallflower— the best part? he was neighbors with my best friend and I loved going to her house, id stay there for days at a time and never got sick of it. they would come over sometimes and we all became best friends. for the first time a group of people called my family’s landline asking if it was okay one of their moms came to get me. I’d never been so.. wanted. ironically, my girl best friend ended up betraying our friendship to long term date one of these boys in our old friend group, they still all hangout today im sure.
it started simply enough, he kissed me, and I wanted to kiss him. I was excited to explore, but to be fair after being raised in Texas I was ashamed of sex and scared of it too. I wanted to be a pure girl who fell in love once and married and had a beautiful picture perfect family. We would kiss for hours, and even though he wasn’t the best kisser my assumption was that he just didn’t know how and we’d learn together. I didn’t know he’d been having sex with this high school girl and was planning to do all that on me. He became more forward after about 2 or 3 months but to me?? this was like serious, I felt like I was in love bc it was my first boyfriend. He liked to play music and so did I, he was outgoing and on the football team, he was really tall. Middle school me ate this shit up!!! Now, im only describing in this way to really show how I felt at the time to drive home how traumatizing naive and disillusioned I was……
He becomes more forward, more controlling, very quickly. He accuses me of cheating, tries to make me feel weird or guilty for stuff that was normal. He would then lead into sex stuff during arguments or tender moments. Everything was just like his opportunity to try to fuck me. When I finally told him “no” I wanted to be dating for at least a year before I had sex, I wasn’t ready, I wanted something romantic and slow blooming. I wanted to feel like it was worth it to give it up. Then he became cruel, physically assertive and constantly fighting me. Locking me in the house so I couldn’t leave. I don’t remember if he screamed but im sure he was, I just remember being choked a lot and insulted. I remember crying when he held me down and felt down my pants and under my bra. It felt ticklish and uncomfortable, I didn’t want it not like this. I would have bruises all over my arms, I started to cut myself, I threatened to leave him, he would tell me about other girls he was talking to and cheating on me with and said it would all end if I’d just fully penetrative fuck him. He would try to take my clothes off and wrestle me, ultimately end up choking me and giving me a panic attack. I’d lock myself in the bathroom, he’d take my phone from me and threaten to break it. I ended up breaking up with him over text after he blew my mom up telling her abt my self harm and I was going to kill myself bc I didn’t reply to his text within 30 minutes while I did homework, I remember her opening my door and asking if I was okay and she told me what he’d done. I replied and called him a psycho. Told her block his number. He sent me photos of cuts telling me he was cutting himself bc of me. Back then I cared I pleaded with him no don’t kill youself, he said I only won’t if you date me again. I dated him for 7 months total. I don’t even remember how we broke up, I know I did it, I remember him shoulder checking me in the hallways at school after and talking shit to everyone about how I was a bad lay. He continued to stalk me until years later actually, messaging my hot tatted boyfriend when I was 19 all these threats of hurting him and hurting me. He blew my Snapchat up with threats and I don’t know if it was bc he was on drugs and never forgot me or what??? It was obsessive and psychotic. How many years did he think abt me to stalk me so many years later. Even when I was 22 I got a gmail notification he was trying to follow my old account.
And the worst part? That’s all I remember. I’m sure there was more, I know he never penetrated me but he would choke me, push me, threaten me, and grope me. stalked me. Idk
In hindsight it was mostly so upsetting bc I was so young, my next abusive boyfriend really beat him out though bc he’s the one who actually raped me on repeat.
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obscure memories
when we watched scarface together, u me and ur friend, it was like a cocaine game. every time this or that snort a line. then it became a competition bc coke was ur drug of choice, and i wasn’t even paying attention just lost in the sauce bc we had so much blow it didn’t matter. then my palms started sweating like crazy, i was shaking, i felt my breathing switch to manual and my heart palpitated so loudly it echoed against my skull. i tapped out first and sat trying to focus on the movie while quietly wondering if i was about to overdose, id just gone line after line after line without stopping to let it hit. it was terrifying and exhilarating. I thought after about people who get addicted to the feeling of almost dying.
triple pressed 6mg xanax. your roommate gave it to me as a way of asking if it was cool to take u to the casino 2 hours away. I was supposed to be sober-ish, xans weren’t really allowed atm bc I had almost OD’d at a party and took like 8 when no one was watching me. I got so excited, tried to play it cool, but he knew I was feening. You looked pissed off but tucked me in and put on Blue Planet as I started to get high. Drifting off was so peaceful and blissful. I woke up hours later when you got home, I was still high and when you crawled into bed it was so warm and felt so safe. I smiled like an idiot and passed out again.
The first time I tried cocaine I was 19. The plug came over, it was super lowkey and felt like I was intruding but he was really gentle spirited despite how scary he looked. You let me snort coke right from the brick, it was to date the purest blow I’ve ever had and nothing will ever compare to it. I was instantly euphoric and horny to the point I could’ve had a girls gone wild moment I didn’t even care. You had a rule to not fuck on drugs so we didn’t but I wanted to so badly I could barely act normal, it was almost embarrassing. I was numb for hours, tingly and happy… like a straight shot of serotonin right to the brain. Funny how in less than a month we were doing blow again to go grocery shopping
The first time I smoked weed I was between 2 of my guy friends smoking me up for the first time, ironically both of them were trying to court me. I was supposed to go to the other guys house but something came up and I was bitching about wanting to smoke to the other one, he says fuck it come over right now and we can smoke. I remember hitting the bowl and it was instantly like the rising feeling of being at the top of a roller coaster. I was immediately giggling about everything. We sorta hangout and I can’t stand to look at him because he’s honestly scaring me while I’m high, but everything else is amazing. He had these bricks at the front door and I dumped out a cup of water on it “as a joke”, honestly he got pissed and it was really confusing for me when I was stoned. I went home with bloodshot eyes late late at night, avoided my parents and went upstairs put my headphones on went to sleep. It was a school night but I didn’t come home till late most nights anyways. We started smoking every day after school and I’d smoke with my neighbor otw to school. Another friend brought edibles in and shared them with the lunch table. It was unfortunate because if I hadn’t gone and smoked at that guys house I wouldn’t have been r*ped by him later on, I wouldn’t have been his girlfriend. I made the wrong choice smoking with him so often and letting him learn how to manipulate me. The second I gave in I lost all my power. Could have avoided so much mental illness if I’d never moved in with him.
Painkillers… so weirdly the first times I got high on pain pills I was only 12 or 13, I was still at the age where I played sims on the family computer for hours… I was on my period and it was so severe (and they are so severe) my dad gave me Tramadol, im allergic to all nsaids except Tylenol so he really did me a solid there. I didn’t really react in any type of weird way but zoned into the games happy and chillin, my period cramps came back 35 minutes later but I was still a little litty. I ended up taking a nap on the guest bed with my cat. Later I’d do them a few more times but as an adult, my dad was addicted so it was a mental block where I was actually nervous to take them as an adult. I remember taking Vicodin and Percocet in the summer at your friends house, I always wanted to get more after and you always told me no. I don’t have strong recollections of what happened when I was high maybe I nodded, but I liked the euphoria I felt so at ease and like I understood the world. I felt childlike wonder again. We watched all 3 Austin Powers movies smoking blunts to the face high as fuck, I was so giggly and happy and felt so good. I literally at one point thought “ I get it dad this shits awesome “ I looked at u guys and loved u guys, felt like u were the best friends I’d ever have in that moment. Everything was fuzzy and bright, colors were so vivid, I felt fuzzy n warm inside … I loved it sm
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thinkin abt some diff experiences tht really stood out to me when i was high
when i took a tesla and acid, you were a lion and we were two lioness on the serengetti. my aura was lavender and sage green, hers pink and orange. we both cuddled you, radiating light, breathing in tune with the grass and breeze. in reality we were all 3 laying naked in bed.
this same trip, playing frank ocean and dancing with a complete stranger in the shower with the red mood lights on. we were like children again, our hearts open and pure. we laughed like we’d known each other forever and danced together, the warmth felt so good as we huddled under the water. I don’t think we even used soap, we were staring up at the dancing droplets illuminated by the red lights above. I don’t even remember her name.
on xans and painkillers, you were so cozy to lean against it felt as though love was literally cocooning me every time we touched. I kept slipping in and out of blissful warm sleep. I was so happy I felt like a child, I remember a different time I was high on this same combination and fully accessed my trauma and all the bad things I’d blocked out— it was the first time I told someone in detail what happened, it was probably the first time I actually remembered in detail what happened. When I went to lay down for bed I got sleep paralysis for the first time in years, it came in the bedroom — a tall shadow —- almost reminded me of a dementor fr I couldn’t move laying on my back as it approached. I felt the cocoon of love open as it came closer like I wasn’t protected by your energy anymore, and then it leaned down and kissed me on the forehead and backed away as I fell asleep.
When I was left home alone and I did ketamine and cocaine together, a lot of it, until my heart felt like it was going to explode and I laid on the floor thinking “am I about to die?” As SZAs Good Days played, it sounded so crazy like dissonant and reverberating in and out. My heart was louder than the music then it would barely reach me and I’d tune in realizing how slowly time was passing. I felt so stupid afterwards.
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liminal spaces i visit
the art college— tall Victorian apartments the ppl roaming around here are artists and they are harmless, hidden pathways, can jump from the windows to other buildings, seems never ending, there is a front door/exit… these are student dorms, you can smoke weed and do drugs in certain rooms. There is also a library with a never ending spiral staircase and unlimited books, but the people here aren’t friendly don’t approach strangers in the library.
the water park— come with friends usually ,, there is a roller coaster slide and a spinny ride you always go on (has broken a few times) there is a hidden jungle park with dinosaurs if you can find it. Empty vendor stands. Sometimes has hundreds of visitors that can vanish at any second. When it’s empty it can be unnerving but there are no malicious monsters here.
the video game— school in the desert, if you run into the dust storm u enter a video game world. Sometimes the game goes psychedelic and ur jumping thru mandalas. If you stay at the school usually everybody just stands outside for a fire drill and it’s boring asf. Video game monsters you can play with.
the field— the microsoft pc background green field and it’s endless, you have unlimited abilities and full control to fly and create. Usually fly around spawning fields of flowers. Or jumping up and down into the sky with infinite jump. can spawn friends or pets to play with and food to eat for a picnic. This world is rare but very nice.
beach town—- tsunami waves, islands u can swim to if u can make it, winding roads with rocky beaches below, sometimes it floods, NPCs and some friends to interact with but the world is hostile
beach city—— an old port style very new england town, cold ocean and docks with fishermen, extremely tall steep hills, easy to get lost
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on some toxic shit i kinda miss my trap baby era. I had the illusion of good friends (and they were so nosy abt my cool exciting life it was like the one time they really were hanging on the edge of their seats to hear about me?) i had just gotten out of this super abusive relationship and got to fuck a gangster (and when he threatened my ex I got so wet lol). I did the best drugs, I didn’t work, i had people always distracting me from my pain. I did so many drugs omg … it was casual and it was always free. Driving around in his Audi, and the whole squad had Audis. I felt like such a fr baddie. all the best music was coming out. my roomie was a stripper who inspired me, that initial embrace of my sexual side and monetizing it was really cringe but beautiful in its own way. My first pair of Jordan’s she gave me and the magic they carried.. I was so fucking cool. It was euphoric for me going from my most suicidal to such a carefree lifestyle. I was allowed to be crazy bc I could never be too crazy for them. I was so depressed but so free at the same time bc I didn’t give a fuck. Sure it was unsustainable but I loved it, I know if I chased it tho I’d just end up a junkie or trap whore … like nothing truly good comes from following that lifestyle but it was iconic.
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they r so cute
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i was on morphmarket looking at snakes and had a sudden flashback to when i worked a civvy job at this scam call center, i would scroll morphmarket instead of answering my calls. this was also the job my two friends scrounged together the last of our money in literal quarters and dimes so we could get enough gas to make it to the call center to pick up my paycheck of like $200 so we could eat for the week. it really was so different back then.
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I was monologuing in my head reached a conclusion then immediately though tNope thts too self aware for me
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how cruel is it that i made 1184 last night and found out my car needs 1074 in repairs done today srsly like ????? ok
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hmmm don’t read this fr
there’s such a specific hurt tht comes with your first sexual experiences being violent.
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obscure things from my childhood
- garbage pail kids
- gorilla glue balm tins
- the smell of guitar strings
- fairy houses in the woods
- touching a baby deer
- big sunflowers
- green lizards
- jade and cloe bratz baby dolls
- velour purple bedsheets
- watching adult swim on my tiny vhs tv after bedtime futurama was my favorite
- brian frouds artwork
- dinosaur eggs oatmeal
- frog ponds
- maines nature guide
- crawfish screaming
- blue whales obsession after picking it for a school project
- pretending i couldn’t pronounce anemone to fit in with everyone else
- eating so many samples at the heb
- sidewalk chalk
- weeding the garden
- seeing baby birds for the first time
- the beatles
- fire ant bites
- littlest pet shop and my little ponies
- the bratz aquarium game on the family computer
- harvest moon ds game
- n64 collection
- sailor moon and pretty cure
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i miss having friends tht met for random stoner circles like every night, tht kind of community open door policy where we could all go smoke listen to music group therapy make dinner and just exist in the space it was an escape to just be in the garage smoking with whoever showed up … they ended up being shitty people but the principle is comforting
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iv been tattooed naked thts kinda wild
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my camgirl era— kept changing my name from babygirl to rose and couldn’t decide, worked at a call center and quit once i got enough traction, camming for 12 hours at a time, my first stream being only 30 seconds long before i panicked and turned it off, spending my whole tax return on a shitty laptop so i could cam at home not just with my friends, dissociating completely during sex scenes, camming with my friends and seeing them naked, watching a guy put a cigarette out on his micropenis, foot fetish guys, begging people to cashapp me so i could buy food that day, the first time i made over $100 in a day, being paid to make a sextape, getting gifts from my Amazon wishlist, my first pair of stripper heels, my first sex toys, getting my septum and nipples pierced, dying my hair black with box dye from sallys, ugly lingerie era (whatever was around, mix matched, never bought myself anything new), someone trying to stalk me, seeing my content stolen for the first time, obsessively looking at screenshots of myself and crying over it, going ghost on social media and making a finsta for like 20 people to see, smoking an unhealthy amount of weed, a clip in 40” ponytail i was obsessed with, agoraphobia era, overall extremely poor mental health era to be honest, hitting over 10k followers, onlyfans coming out and ruining the camsite, turning 21, practicing walking in my heels and becoming a dancer
begrudgingly returning during quarantine, getting t boned in a convertible and my neck being really hurt— no doctors seeing me because of covid lockdowns, getting gaslit by doctors to just take Tylenol bc it wasn’t broken them refusing a physical therapy referral and me still experiencing neck pain today, 900 hours on animal crossing, cran blackberry juice, my plant mom era, blacking out on my birthday and getting my first tattoo, doing drugs with my roommate n his friend almost every morning, so much free cocaine, failed twitch streamer era, being left at home alone all day after everyone went to work, becoming angsty about returning to my “old life” after dancing, trying to use onlyfans and hating it because i didn’t like the way i looked in photos, promoting premium snapchat getting lots of cashapps , seriously bad mental health era just the worst, using my friends med card to try lots of new dispensary treats, 24 hour camshows, the existential dread that came with streaming sexual content that long, the best part of my day when we would go to family dollar for 1$ candy and drinks, being sent 1k to smile a few days before i left state (and that literally saving me budget wise for my trip)
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my stripper eras
Chanel— baby dancer part time camgirl living in a trailer park, losing all my high school “friends” and everyone finding out i was a stripper, spent like $500 at guess when i made my first bag, “goth barbie” was my aesthetic and club nickname, wore 8 inch heels my first night and nobody could tell i had never danced before, drunk guy trying to aggressively open my friends car door right after we got in after auditions (she might have ran over his foot when we drove off in a panic), never approached or talked to customers, stretched so much to become flexible, wore those ugly designer print bikinis, smoked dab pen on shift with the dj, drove 3 hours to work every shift and usually stayed in the motel 8, super long acrylics, danced to juice wrld and frank ocean, bouncer tried to pimp me out, haunted strip club, the guy who shit his pants while i was dancing for him (shit on the floor and the whole club closed early), stretches with a veteran dancer on the side stage when it was slow, watching cops drink on shift, no dancer bathroom because of the girls doing heroin, seeing my first OD in real life and ambulances, shitting outside in the rain by the smoking porch, driving 5 hours home in a blizzard, the guy who head butted through his car windshield, the blood stains from the guy who shot himself outside the entrance, my pet hamster that lived 3 years, driving across the country with my best friend, obsessed with the ig account exotic cancer, cops stalking dancers after our shift to try and ticket us for no reason (hiding one time in a bank parking lot and watching this cop who was tailing me round the block six or seven times looking for me??), a cop trying to pull me over across state lines i recognized him as one of the cops who was always in the club, additionally having cops flirt with me on shift and watch my half naked stage sets (very uncomfortable lol), a dancer stealing my entire duffel bag of lingerie me being too poor to replace it, winning dancer of the month and getting free house fees for all of December, being tipped multiple $100s on stage by a guy i accidentally kicked with my 8 inch boots,
Stormi— pandemic dancer, moved to florida because of lockdown, living in my own real house for the first time with the coolest landlord, a “friend” trying to steal 2k from me, danced stripperbowl, 38” black hair, wore microkinis and jordans, juicy couture backpack money bag, “stormi baby”, full nude dancing, got 3 new tattoos, strawberry vapes and “weed gives me panic attacks” era, grew somewhat desensitized to a violent crowded chaotic unpredictable workplace, euphoria makeup n emotionally dependent on 25mm fake lashes, cultivated extreme insecurity here and lost my sense of self, acrylic nail obsession continued until i got cut off by the nail ladies bc my real nails were paper thin, never got to pick my music always edm and i hated it, management was weird to me forever after i didn’t join their favorite girls for drinks in my first month also finding out all the managers were dating the hostesses who picked only their friends to make money (including trying to cut me out of my own money to try and give it to their friends), a lot of stormi fangirls who copied me especially after i left, first time ever being SA violently at work and feeling the crunch from breaking someone’s nose, doing coke with my girl crush (going to her house to hookup and it going terribly), the tiny locker room with no lockers, dance specials every 30 minutes and being paraded out in a line like cattle, making over 2k for the first time, meeting my first celebrity at work (nfl player), seeing explicit extras for the first time, sitting in the champagne room staring at the ceiling while the other stripper lets them finger fuck her, seeing a blowjob happen in the lapdance room, driving home in a tropical storm, 3 different shootings across the street one while i was at work and they locked us in, finding out the bouncers were illegally concealed carrying, watching dancers get SA onstage and nobody doing anything to stop it (including management/security), the club across the street hiring a disabled 13 year old girl and pimping her out, watching my friend OD and nobody caring (actually having my money id made that night threatened to be taken away bc i wasn’t dancing), 4 hour champagne room and dancing the entire time, a different friend getting roofied and nobody seemed to bat an eye, buying a new phone, taking multiple months off work, adopting a black kitten, going no contact with my family, learning pole tricks on my home pole, trying molly and ketamine, dollskill fashion, always playing lil peep, guy from the club getting obsessed trying to be my sugar daddy, eating pussy for the first time, my first threesome, doing coke on christmas, the “no entry without a warrant” sign on the door, working with no audition just an ID check, someone smoking crack while i was crying in the bathroom, my first ever gynecologist appointment because i got a yeast infection doing a splits on the dirty strip club stage, the dj who did meth and constantly screamed incoherently into the mic, over $1000 stage set, dancing with 4 girls onstage at the same time, simulating sexual situations with really hot girls at work, black yardwork trash bags full of money, getting sick from too much blunt smoke, how much it burns when someone spills vodka on ur recently shaved pussy, the church ladies leaving us gift baskets with ugly red lipsticks, pimps always coming in and being sooo cringe until we laughed them out of club, drunk ppl jumping onstage, all the concussions from girls getting kicked from whoever was doing pole tricks at the same time they were onstage (happened to me once), sex tape of a girl in our champagne room, the bouncers being manwhores, our Christmas party where they hired male strippers and one of the girls got fucked in the lapdance room (paid him $100 for this), a girl trying to fight me bc she wanted to eat hot wings over my bag (I said no obviously) working till 8am, the broadway performer guy who tap danced for me in our champagne room, the shootings omfg… hiding in the locker room bc there was a shooting in the parking lot next door
Summer— blonde bob, rhinestone 7 inch heels, baby pink everything, ribbons in my hair, working dayshift for the first time in my life, press on nails, hated all the clubs in my city and felt trapped era, daily xanax, ordering dispensary weed from a legal state and smoking again, cigarettes, hearing the djs shit talk my home club, the locker room catfight with chicken nuggets, no longer vegan, eating the lava cake at work, gaining almost 20 pounds, wearing sweatpants every day in 90 degree weather because my weight was fluctuating too much to invest in nice clothes, trying therapy and being pushed antidepressants even though i told them i didn’t want tht (her settling to push blood pressure medication meant for old men?? also cutting me off any time i talked about my feelings too much), feeling even more insecure when i wasn’t allowed to work night shifts for 3 months even after multiple managers approved it, wearing pasties that made me almost cry every time i took them off, fostering holland lop bunnies, dancing to so much summer walker, literally every girl i worked with being an escort and acting bitchy when i wouldn’t meet customers with them, onlyfans and tiktok era, alienation and frustration after trying my hardest with no results … made absolutely no friends here and felt so alone, my landlord selling our house while we lived in it (randoms unlocking the front door and walking in while i was home alone), my sister legitimately almost dying and showing signs of serious mental illness (sending worrying texts before ghosting me and reappearing weeks later in a different states emergency room) almost reconnecting with my family just to find out if she’s okay and eventually her going manic again and disappearing on me after we talked, realizing i needed to focus on myself because i was powerless in those situations, waking up to multiple hurricane evacuation sirens, officially decided to move and drive across the country in less than 24 hours
Shiloh— living in an Airbnb, almost having to sleep in my car with 10k cash my first night, almost not getting my dancer license (the dmv lady fudged my paperwork to approve me), going for my audition and being so nervous because it’s such a big city being pleasantly surprised they hired me (out of state ID was almost a deal breaker I guess), breaking over 2.5k my first night working, working almost every day, becoming a “early night shift” dancer for the first time, eating home cooked meals from the house mom, dancing to lana del ray on a really bad night and feeling unreal, buying a new car and hating it, the dj calling me to stage when i was crying, cigarette vending machine, not doing drugs and that being weird, brown sugar boba, dior rosewood lipsticks, 3 piece lingerie sets, first pair of strapless heels, first legit gentleman’s club experience, dying my hair black again, first time renting an apartment, hating my clubs owner, watching all my work friends get fired for stupid things, seeing my club single handedly destroy their clientele and not advertise to get customers, leaving negative for the first time ever, multiple weeks of no customers, grabbing everything from my locker on a busy Friday and walking out with no explanation
Jasmine-// new era//
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