imnotreal-png

[imnotreal-png]

*-* -- Entry ?!?!

I do not understand you. I don't know what you want. Use your words. Say something. DO something. BE something. someone.

Why are you so lazy? Why aren't you willing to work for it? Do you even want it? Do you even want any of it? clearly not enough. you're not enough.

You lay in your own misery, wondering and asking why you don't have that. Wondering if you ever will. Will you? Will it ever come?

We know it won't. You don't deserve it, you freak. You're fucked up. You play this pride-less, humble, honest, "strong" character but you're not. You're a fucking joke. You're a big fat narcissist, just like your mother. She knows it. They see it. Everyone sees it! They see you!!! It will never go away. What're you going to do about it? "Anything" but cope cope cope and adapt. do it. fucking stand up and do it, you sad sack of fucking shit.

it's no ones fault but your own. that's why you're stuck. you're stuck. we're stuck we're stuck we're stuck we're stuck we're stuck because of you. it always circles back to you.

oh ur such a 'victim.' what about me? this was my only chance at anything and everything. and u ruined it. ruined everything.

i can't look at u, anymore

i took down all my mirrors.

i cant look at u.

[imnotreal-png]

no ones listening to me no ones listening 2me no one sl istening to me noo ones listening to me no ones listening to me

nothings real

its hurts to breathe, it hurts to cry and it hurts to not cry

everything is hard and everything is wrong

im doing it all wrong im doing it all fuckingwrong

what am i doing wrong

[imnotreal-png]

how do i ask for help without ruining myself? ruining who i worked so hard for

years, it took years for me to even get to the point where i can refrain from screaming for help

i thought that if i stopped being a burden to everyone, they’d stop treating me like one

i thought if i stopped, i wouldn’t feel like a chore

if i ask for help, if i tell them the state ive been in for half a year, what would they think of me. who do i become?

until now; i’ve convinced them that i’m nonchalant abt what others say and think about me and it’s true but they don’t know that i have become my biggest enemy

they don’t know how much hatred i hold against how i look and express myself.

they don’t know how i have no control over it and that im not me. im not me. this isn’t me.

so what becomes of me when i tell them that. when i tell them ive been so quiet not because im busy with school and have other priorities, but because im rotting away in bed.

even if i did ask for help, it won’t go away.

if i ask for help, im just another mentally unstable person the world has to put up with.

i’d rather be quiet.

i’d really rather not exist

i’m ashamed of myself and i hate that

oh my god even reading it back it sounds so cringe, i’m getting second hand embarrassment

[imnotreal-png]

on the train rn

on the verge of crying i’m trying really hard not to

i look so dumb. i tried so hard , i left so late bc i kept trying to fix how i look

why did nothing work

i look like a fucking sherm high schooler

i’m sitting next to this pretty girl and i look SO DUMB

i rlly don’t wanna cry that’s so embarrassing but is it anymore embarrassing than how i look? will it rlly make a difference atp?

i wanted to stay home but i couldn’t miss class. why do i have to be so ugly and stupid and fucking hideous

why why why why

i just wanna look normal and pretty like everyone else

what the fuck do i do

it won’t go away

[imnotreal-png]

>:(!!! -- Entri 5

Im going 2 lose my shit. im going to rip my hair out. there is no way im a real person. cuz what the fuck?

ive been trying to plan and book this show for months, communicating to my friends of my struggles bc im an unknown loser & im not getting emails back or responses. since i've started organizing it--some of them have done 935839 shows already...

while ive been pushing it back every month because i still have NO RESPONSES or the venue is completely booked out for the dates i look for.

so i finally decide to push it back and make it a huge summer show and it gives us more time to plan. everyone agrees.

hooray!!

not hooray.

my dj and headliner got booked for a big summer show. and never told me or gave me a headsup. i wouldve never said no to them but i feel like a clown? you guys are organizing and participating in all of these events, telling me you'll try to reach out for me and never do?

ok wtv. ik im being irrational and i text another friend (who is participating) about how i was upset that no one has really helped me much and i feel ignored so they offered to email sum venues for me. i said that would be great and thanked them.

hooray!!

not hooray again.

why did they just text me saying they're going to plan their own summer show with a line up, that this isnt them betraying [my label] (??? idk its the label i use to host/organize events) but they rlly wanna organize something.

ntm they listed venues they wanna book with and its bigger and expensive venues and i asked them how theyre gonna afford that. we're not famous and idk who they're having perform but no way you're making money back. they also dont work/unemployed.

oops. forgot they come from a rich family.

yeah so im canceling the whole thing. i feel embarrassed. im such a loser. im so upset. i feel insane bruh i hate this

and on top of all this; im so behind in school. every spring semester im always dealing w depressing shit that sets me back or some dumb shit cuz my school is full of retards and fuck everything up

i want existence to pause pls i want to not exist

[imnotreal-png]

>:( -- Entri 4

im not a writer. like im not creative or mysterious with it. it's kinda aids bc then i feel like a try hard when i write my lyrics.

I doubt anyone who listens to my music even pays attention to my lyrics, judging from their other music choices,,,,,but its not for them

i can barely upload a song if im not happy with the lyrics. if i think they sound dumb even in the slightest way, it doesnt matter how long ive worked on the mix and master, its get vaulted forever. i just cant do it

even tho i wud like to be alot better with my creative writing, im glad i can still be content with all the songs i have uploaded. i am happy with them. i can only grow from it anyways, so why complain.

with time

some of my songs are stories ive made up. some are stories that represent actual experiences or points in my life but in a story telling way (???) idk i dont wanna write too much about me and my misery bc i dont want people to be under the impression that im miserable cuz i dont like people knowing those things >:( so i try to write abt shit in a very monotone way or in the pov of the narrator. but i also wrote a song in the pov of an incel so they'll nvr know whats real >:)

its a rainy day 2day.

i failed my ethnic studies exam. i knew i didnt do good but i rlly didnt think i did THAT bad. i was confused bc like 6 of the questions were abt systemic,industrial, and structural racism, which i thought were relatively the same thing..? apparently NOT. I couldnt even understand what the rest of the questions were asking me. my professor knows im not dumb, im like the biggest yapper in that class. i b knowing shit but wtf were those dumbass questions? what the flip, man?

i b eating boiled eggs like a snack lol. so yum. i wonder if they have protein...gnna google

ok they do. cool cuz i def dont eat enuf meat lol so this makes up for the loss of protein. i eat like 3 eggs a day and its only getting higher

devouring these chocolates that my frend bought me from London. european chocolate is always soo much better.

bruh its almost 5pm and my sister still asleep. cringe.

ttyl ~

#dear diary #journal #digital diary

[imnotreal-png]

until i am

i refuse to believe anyone until im pretty. i refuse to allow anyone to get near me. they're all liars. liars. thats all they do. i'll never be them. get away.

when when when when when when when

[imnotreal-png]

:T -- Entri 3

Liking people is becoming a hassle tbh. I'm definitely part of the issue but not in the way you think.

Im not hung up on anyone or anything, i'm just broke. My style is nonexistent, my confidence has depleted,,,,nothings stable rn.

I canceled a date i had tomorrow. Super sweet guy, super attractive but idk if he's not for me or what because i was dreading it. So i texted him and told him the honest truth. Literally what i just told you basically.

im tired of not having an income. i only have so much stashed away specifically for clothes and i never have the chance to go shopping. I should probably go this wednesday

I keep eating fruits with nutella every chance i get. tbh i been eating a lot lately (aloooot of boiled eggs) and im happy abt it. hopefully this goes on for a while til i gain at least something.

my sex drive been high tho. pleasing myself as always. wish sex wasnt viewed the way it is.....sigh

muzik stuff been goin very smoothly. i have little panic moments where im like "omygosh i cant make anymore music, i've milked all the talent ive got, its so over" and then 3 weeks later on a random tuesday; i'll get locked into fl studio for 7-10 hours and come out w a whole new beat and song lol. i shud hate on myself less probably.

I have a few songs that still havent even been scheduled for release lol, maybe i shud relax a bit. im still waiting for good weather 2 record this mv with my friend 4 our song ahhhghghghgh hopefully it works out

i wonder if im going to stay in the city. like where will i be living in 10 years? i hope i'll be okay. i have no idea what im doing rn. i love what im studying and working for but ik deep down its mostly just so i can have a degree and stable outcome bc otherwise i'd continue being an entrepreneur somehow...maybe? idk im just talking shit rn. scared i guess.

trying to reject the idea that im "falling behind" on life bc it makes me feel super shitty even tho its technically true but no point in making myself feel overly miserable abt it.

i wish i was pretty like them

nite nite

[imnotreal-png]

xD -- Entri 2

uh i still feel pretty much the same as i did in da first entry, so this might b a shorter one.

Icl, i do feel a little better. i was probably a little irrational and extra insecure, fully convinced everyone hates me. I still do think it, but less intensely.

i got sum blueberries and added nutella on dem. itz yummy. i actually wanted banana w nutella but no banana...heartbreak ;(

i invested a lot of time into music which made me feel a little productive and less useless. rainy day so i couldn't go out even if i wanted to. i wish i had car. id drive everywhere and always goto the woods. but nah, i live in the dystopian trenches. so cringe of me. I managed to *mostly* finish a song. at least, im p sure its done but i think my friend is going to master it and maybe per haps add vocals. i told them they shud , i think it wud b dope. fun song. even messed w raw vocals in da outro half of da beat.

been watching hannah montana and been getting rlly bad nostaglia. like constant flashbacks and aching 4 my childhood. i always rewatch old shows and yeah they gave me nostalgia but hannah montana is really doing it for me. i have 0 connection to that part of my life. i don't even have all the dolls i collected :/ wish my mom didn't throw out my old things. rip i guess. maybe thats why i keep and collect everything i can now, lol. especially, things that are given to me. whether im friends with that person or not anymore. oh well.

i hope i have a cool dream tn.

am gonna go now. c ya later, alligatorz

:P

[imnotreal-png]

i c u

i see them distancing themselves from me. am i really that unlikable? i think i'd rather completely shut up and stop bothering people.

i'm sorry that you can't keep friends. talk less.

[imnotreal-png]

wish i wasn't.

i wanna be compared to pretty things. i want to be seen as beautiful and peaceful and everything nice, but im not. the only things i can remember being compared to is chaos, annoyance, noisy/loud. Being told people have to walk on eggshells around me. Im always angry, and ugly.

i cannot help it.

what is it like being seen as a flower? or someones sun, or moon? what is it like having people feel peace and quiet at the thought of you? what is it like to not have people avoid you? i envy you

i can't help it.

why don't i

why can't i grow up? i still have my acne like a kid. i still have the body i had as a kid. i dress like a kid. i think and act like a kid. i'm lost like a kid. i even cry like a kid.

i can't help it.

i hate that my eyes are dark instead of gentle. i hate that my smile is fucked up instead of kind. i hate that my hair is shaggy and ugly instead of soft and beautiful.

i feel like a clown with make up on. i dont know what im doing. im fucking tired of wanting to rip my hair out and skin my face off. im never going to b happy with how i look. im going to die without ever finding myself beautiful and i hate that.

i wish i wasn't so angry and ugly all the time. i dont like it either.

i cant help it

#vent post #insecurity #dear diary

[imnotreal-png]

>:) -- Entry 1

OK i just smoked a joint after i wrote the date and now im kinda chillin but imma still yap on dis hoe.

I am a loser. Like a huge loser, okay? Like im not dumb or wtv, i may have reached a weird and insane level of self awareness, but im just as much of a loser as anyone else.

I keep catching myself trying to people please and overstepping my boundaries and justifying it with "oh everyone else does it, so what, its normal" like ok dumb bitch that doesn't make it okay, get a grip.

But i will be yapping away abt alot of stupid bullshit i deal with and stupid things make me sad. I am very well aware that I am irrational, but these are things i feel in those moments that i always hold in because i don't want people 2 see that weak side of me. It's embarrassing and it's not me.

In truth, i have nooo idea what i'm doing. I have 0 clue on where i'll be in the future. I didn't think i'd make it this far and not on some suicidal shit (idk if u can say that word here, oops.), i just genuinely thought that i'd somehow perish?? Like i wasn't really real in some weird way. I just didn't exist. Even though i was always the center of drama or the cause of all things chaotic, i was always misunderstood. god that's so fucking cringe but hear me out.

I always said shit that i believed was clear enough to be understood and yet it wasn't. Even my tone apparently has been rude this entire time. But no one would actually tell me how i come off, they just ate it up in silence and then spaz on me. Even now i don't really understand because i truly believe i am very clear on what im saying. Yet it's still...not seen the way im trying to show it? Idk if im making any sense bruh but whatever. Maybe im narcissistic but no one understands my brain the way i attempt to express it...or i guess how i see it. Idk i guess im just frustrated that no one understands me or gets my brain.

Also it's super cringe when people tell me im mature for my age. Literally eat my shit. actual ick. get away from me.

I hate my mom. She hates me too but she hates me bc I'm not the pussy she wishes she was when she was my age. She's the most childish person i know. I genuinely do not care what she thinks of me whatsoever. She's just power hungry and immature. Actually, I don't even hate her, i just hate that she gets to have all this power over me. I just want my freedom, thats it. She can hate my lifestyle or whatever the fuck, as long as im not living with her. At the end of the day, im truly content with who i am as a person and my moral compass etc, she cant affect that. I just need to have my own space and leave her household to finally be free and actually experience life in a comfortable and more peaceful way. I guess that's all i can say rn. I just wish she would respect my boundaries and stop treating me like im her competition and she'll always be superior. She won't and i cannot wait for the day she finally see's that lol.

!! super irrational moment alert !!

LMAO this is super cringe but like when i started music i put "listen 2 my moozik" in my bio bc we say muzik in albanian but americans wud have 2 read it as moozik to get it right + its funny? Ever since i started rlly getting exposure and performing out there, all these NON SLAVS/BALKANS have started putting it in their bio's 🙄 like be fr, its sooo obvious (at least to me). And now some of these mfs i've interacted w startes stealing my lingo and the way i type [this isn't how i type when i txt friends. its worse and i shorten everything in a miserable way cuz its funny] and it's cute at first but now mfs on social media posting the way i do and talking the way i do. [insert side eye bc yeah] and it's kinda cringe cuz they're actually rlly shallow and mainstream people, they just look like they trying 2 hard to be quirky. lol.

im probably tweakin tho idk.

i wish i grew up with art. i wish my parents had that and were able to introduce it to me. I feel like a fraud when i try to be creative and do things. Even with making music. As much as i enjoy it and love it and it really does make me happy, it feels fake. I can't play any instruments, i can't sing, im far from a good writer, fuck if know anything abt music theory...i literally just click buttons and make sounds on my computer lol. I didn't grow up indulging in art and creativity, i was actually always super bad at it. I wish i had a deeper connection with it. I wish i understood it better. I wish i expressed it better. I wish my ideas were my own. I want to be able to create something that is truly mine without feeling like im a fake.

UHHHH so imma just come on here and vent whenever i feel like i have something i need 2 say. This is intended for the void, if u come across it...cringe.

#vent post #journal #diary entry #advice