imsoantianti

[imsoantianti]

“I mustn’t look at you too much, or I won’t be able to take my eyes off you at all.”

— Franz Kafka

[imsoantianti]

Dear A,

a letter to a never ending war

something’s in the way of me and what I want and i Don’t know how to cure it. In search for the answer that i’m searching for i find myself failing and falling. Why is it always me? The one that doesn’t have their “thing”. I’m never going to give up but knowing that I ruined it for myself because of something as simple as nerves broke me. I could have done it that could have been me . But it wasn’t. Your in the way of my happiness and I don’t know what to do

#Spotify

[imsoantianti]

[imsoantianti]

Pleasing Others Vs Yourself

Today I experienced a bad case of feeling left out. It’s always the people next to me talking to the people next to them. If only I had the courage to open my month in the sea of my predominantly white school. At this point the moral standards that I assumed everyone had were now blurred. I don’t know how to speak up. How to carry on a conversation.

Why do people continue being friends with roble who treat them like shit. I’m friends with a person and they won’t talk to me in a class I have with them because they want to please the more popular person. Social hierarchy honestly doesn’t matter that much to me and it’s such a little thing in my life but, it still hurt. Knowing that my friends would do anything just to be on the same even playing field as those kids. Knowing that I might just be the person who should be left behind. It’s kinda tiring and a little sad.

It’s become a bit of a normal thing now I just need to accept that it is happening to me of all people. I have to learn to be ok with things that are not ok. It’s a lesson that comes with a bit of pain but then that’s were tolerance comes in.

[imsoantianti]

You cannot make everyone think and feel as deeply as you do. This is your tragedy … because you understand them, and they do not understand you.

Daniel Saint

[imsoantianti]

Reflection

As the 2022 season comes to a close I am just now realizing how my life grew from a little seed at the beginning of the year into a giant tree that will continue growing and growing until my life comes to a close. When people tell me about their past experiences as someone my age they tend to cringe at there old behavior and i can say that I do too. I'm finally content with who i am today. Just a couple months ago I found myself longing for more of a opportunity, in my life.. I felt like i was dealing with problems addressing my friends every few months but now, I am able to fully relax. I do not find myself empty anymore, i have  a purpose and I think that is the most important thing one must find in their life. Looking for that opportunity that can start something new or looking for the perfect people to surround yourself with that can fix the fact that you were never whole.

 I wanted to fit the version of myself that I wanted to be but i did not know that I did not have the pieces to do so. I was searching for something to change it all and I can finally say that I have found it. Although it did not cure me from all of my problems it is able to keep me context. At firs i was upset that it isn't what i wanted, but I have learned to be ok with the fact that I'm still looking. That taking the second step can take a while and its ok. 

[imsoantianti]

Journal Entries from a stuck up brat

Entry 5- December 9th,2022

Mirrorball

“When you know what you like and love about yourself changing for people isn’t so bad”-Abed Nadir(Community, 2009 American sitcom) 

When I started my 1,460 day journey called high-school the more I dreaded and decided to let go of my past self. Creating a completely new person out of a mold and the leftover scrapes of myself from the previous year was easy, infact, a little too easy. Too easy the way that it took me a total of 3 months to complete the task. During those 3 months which is considered summer break I crafted an entirely new person to present to a new environment. That when early August came around, I did not know who I was. Changing myself was not something that was new for me, about a little over 2 years ago i used to identify as multiple people in my head. My self identity was a huge gray cloud filled with confusion, despair, sadness, and not being able to know exactly who I was. This became so bad that I dismissed the problem in its entirety. I did not know how to describe myself. I did not know whether to say who i thought I was, or who I wanted to be. If I said who I thought I was, would that be boring? Or if I said who I wanted to be, would that be awkward? So the big question was. 

Who am I?

I don’t know.

The more i Though about this. the more I realized just how much I change myself in order to get along with the people I think are “cool”. When i first walked into my health class I met a girl. Now this girl and I are friends. That’s great, thats amazing in fact. But something was wrong. I wasn’t myself around her. So how would i be considered a good friend if she didn’t even know who i was. This though drained me. The more I looked at the situation the more I turned into a human blob that is able to mold how everyone wants it to.

Move me around like water, In order for me to take any form you desire.

I was moveable, creatable, moldable. 

But, this gave me friends. So was this really a bad thing?  This gave me everything I wanted. I finally fit in somewhere. People finally liked me as a person. I don't have to be shy anymore, I have to pretend. I could simply just deal with the fact that Im able to be whoever I want whenever I want. It was just that easy. The person I wanted to be wasn’t so far away anymore. It was right in my the palm of my hands. If only I could have grasped the concept sooner.

Being moldable, is a good thing.

Right?

So that concludes the whole dilemma that took up half of my life. I guess it wasn’t so far away after all.

I guess, I can be a social girl, If only i turned my hard edge of a mind, into a soft clay. 

Im outgoing enough, just because I'm no longer a person.

I am a mirror to those around me. and that's ok. 

ID

[imsoantianti]

A Social guy

September 13th 2022

I look to my left and then my right and suddenly I was in Spanish 2 class with a bunch of people I have never met. I knew some of them were in my grade but I was not aware of the difference between the people in my grade and the grade above me. Spanish has always been a difficult subject to discuss for me. First and foremost I have never taken a Spanish class. It was only so difficult to talk about due to the fact that everyone in my family was fluent. Instead of my dad and older sister encouraging me to speak and correct me in a educational way. They would berade me about how my older sister was fluent at 3 even though English was her first language. I wanted to improve but things did not go to plan. It seems that the only thing that remains the same between my self a year ago and now is still I still pay attention to the dynamics between people. At first I thought this was a good thing “ wow I’m able to read a room a people in a sense this should be great.” But I was faced with reading too much into the little things. I was able to figure who talked more than the others who mattered more. People were more revelant if they made a name for themselves in a classroom. So there I was comparing myself to others. This situation isn’t now last time I competed myself to a boy I ended up falling in love with him but this time so completely different. I was utterly jealous of the fact that the man could tak and no one would make fun of him, people liked him for being dumb and talking too much, and for the fact that he was in general a social guy.

I could never be a social girl.

Social girls, get what they want. Social girls reach the limit with connections and know people thick and thin.

Social girls have more than 4 friends.

Social girls get guys to like them.

My level of commutation between the other person is I is very thin. I barely talk around men due to my inimaginable about of discomfort. I feel awkward. Trapped, mouthless.

I can’t talk

I won’t talk.

I can’t start a conversation with a man

The older kids found a interest in him but the couldn’t with me and it is because I don’t talk enough

I am not outgoing enough

I don’t talk enough

I only have one friend in my class

Oh to be a social guy or girl

[imsoantianti]

Journal entries from a stuck up brat

Wow shits fucked

August 6th 2022

Entry 4-

Today I realized a very important things. Let’s start with the first one, I need to start having private therapy sessions with my therapist about my inferiority complex. Today my older sister, my twin and I went shopping for back to school shoes. My twin decided she wanted the star hike converse which I personally had told her months ago that I wanted them for this school year. But she wanted them too and I didn’t want to match. The thing about my twin is that she doesn’t care when I get upset about these things . Twins are always stereotypically matching stuff anyways I didn’t want to give into that. So I decided to be the bigger person when it came to it I mean it’s just shoes right? Wrong. These shoes make u about 2 inches taller. My twin and I are know for being very short under 5fr these shoes would make her 5ft. It upset me that she is going to be taller than me this school year bc I’ve always been used to us being the same hieght . A few hours past and I realized I didn’t like it because I knew people would like her more if she was taller. All of my life people have always wanted her on school pe teams, math project partners, and just having her as a companion while going shopping but me, I had to style for being 2nd choice. I always thought it was because of my looks . Generally I am the thicker version of my twin of you know what I mean. She’s slim I’m a bit fatter. My face is round, and the short hair I use to want looked bad on me but now a short haircut looks good on her. I could never figure w out why I was always looking bad. And I always blamed it on my physical features. Next ur school of course she has always had a higher gpa . She’s better at math at English while I am just average at those grades. I’ve always been average. I can never be good enough at school. I don’t know what’s wrong. I try and try at my grades but nothing works. And I’m not even going to talk about 8th grade graduation that was a shit show.bottom line things don’t look good on me bc of my bigger thighs and I don’t have a high enough gpa. I don’t know what’s wrong but whatever it is I have to fix t it. I’m so done with 2nd place.

The second thing is that I apparently “don’t give myself enough credit”. This is a direct quote from my tutor . We were working on polynomials which I wouldn’t even be doing if I got into geometry but fuck math. And my tutor gave me a 3 minute talk about how I’m good enough how I , in realtors do a lot more than I think. I never thought of it that way but ok. When people give me these talks I don’t know what to say. It’s awkward. And it makes it even worse that ever since my older sister told me that people can tell that I don’t like myself and how people think it’s a pathetic trait it made me feel hyper aware about showing that feature of mine. I don’t want people to think I’m pathetic. I don’t want people to think I’m fat or dumb. Especially dumb. I’ve always had problems about my intelligence but my dad and older sister never fail to make it worse . Fuck everything I’m done . I need a little miracle if I’m going to hang on

#feederist #tw selfhate #inferior #siblings #competitive #the hero is overpowered but overly cautious #im screwed #imagines

[imsoantianti]

To mourn the living

April 3rd - a poem

April 3rd

Before my older sister moved out I spent so many hours of my life with her

we lived in the same house together

we breathed the same air

we walked to the same halls

went to the same elementary school

we wore the same shirts

had each other’s hands in one another’s shared each other‘s drinks

but I never felt that she was really there

she was always next to me like I said before I spent so many hours of my life next to the same person but always follow the shadowy next to me a shadowy figure

that I walked past a shadowy figure that breathed the same air as me

a shadowy figure that walked the same halls as me

a shadowy figure that I saw in elementary school

A shadowy figure that I shared the same drinks with

a shadowy figure that I shared shirts with

when people die We go through a state of grief, we mourn the death of the person.

I think the the worst way to live your life is to mourn the living.

[imsoantianti]

Journal entries from a stuck up brat

March 17th 2022

Entry 3- out of touch

Being out of touch with the world was one of the worst things to ever happen to me. My teacher introduced a book to my class on Tuesday. The book is called “The Outsiders” by S.E. Hinton. Imagine 2 rival gangs called the greasers and socs. This story is about friendship ands it’s many ups and downs. Unfortunately I found myself to relate to ponyboy and darrys relationship. Ponyboy is the protagonist. He has two brothers sodapop and darry. Ponyboy believes that darey does care for him because of the amount of time he spends away from the rest of the family. In Ponyboys eyes it’s only him and soda. What pony boy fails to realize is that darry has to do this because he has to support the family by doing his job. Ponyboy In chapter 2 or 3 had an outburst about this situation. As I’ve mentioned before my relationship with my older sister is very strained. Sometimes it only feels like my twin and I. The difference between Darry and my older sister is that she does not have to work to support me and my twin. I feel this way because it seems like she only cares about my twin. I’m not jealous, I mean I used to be. But as the years passed I let myself live with it.According to my family I’m always in my head. I dream and dream about what life would be like without them. I dream about walking alone at night in the streets of New York. I dream of spending holidays such as New Years, Christmas, and my birthday by myself. I dream about buying my apartment and living in it by myself with the company of a cat. The only thing in common with this list is the fact that I want to do it all by myself. When I think about my older sister and I, I see Darry and Ponyboy. Two siblings that used to love one another but drifted apart. It was hard not to care anymore. It was hard seeing them spend time with each other. Wanting to be next to them but not wanting to disturb the peace with my presence. I think back to the hard fights I’ve had with my older sister. The fact that she yelled in my face one day. That time felt straight out of a movie. I don’t remember exactly what started this argument. But what I do remember vividly is sitting at my desk. My older sister enters my room screaming and crying. That’s something she always did when she argued. Wet tears stain her face.She throws a pen, it skins my face, barely missing me. Then she comes to my ear and says “ you owe me 500 dollars.” “ I pay for food and get you things you owe me money.” In the moment I say “ I will give you that money but you need to give me time”. She says “ I don’t care”. She screamed during this entire conversation. And what I took out of that was that was that one day I will pay her back. It’s the least I could do. During quarantine I was stuck with my older sister, my dad, and my twin. My dad and my older sister often joined forces . They were the superhero and a sidekick. The iconic duo. They always made me think about the future. And how everything I do is for college, for the fact that I need a stable job and a stable life. I eventually feel into that hole. It wasn’t until I got back from online school when my math teacher made me realize that it’s ok to fail. I’m known by my family for having a problem with math. It made me nervous, scared, and anxious.My teacher made me realize that it’s ok to fail. And for that I’m forever grateful. Recently I had a mental breakdown about a math test that in the moment I sent her an email about my worries. She told me that it was ok. And that I’ll be fine. No one ever told me that before. No one eve told me about how failure is ok. And that I don’t have to always be thinking about how this will effect my future.I realized that I was so caught up in my future that I didn’t look at the present time. I wasted so much time. I wanted friendships, I used people. I thought I was a burden to everyone and especially my math teacher. I’m glad that I now realize this, but unfortunately it’s too late.

#Spotify

[imsoantianti]

Journal entries from a stuck up brat series

Table of contents

Entry 1- what more could u ask for?

Entry 2- the circle graph

Entry 3- out of touch

https://imsoantianti.tumblr.com/post/691818680664899584/journal-entries-from-a-stuck-up-brat

[imsoantianti]

Journal entries from a stuck up brat

Entry 2- the circle graph

March 13th 2022

Over my 13 years of living almost 14 years I realized that my relationship with family hasn’t always been the greatest. When I look at the differences between relationships with family members and relationships with friends the line seems to be blurred. Every single time I think about this I think about one time in the fifth grade that we were assigned a project to compare and contrast two characters in a book. Those graphs had two circles one on the right and one of the left and one circle in the middle. One of the circles had one characters name on the top and the other circle it had one characters name on the top as well and in the middle you would have to find similarities of the characters. I remember this or an assignment fuck was about the holocaust one girl had a situation that she had to go to Sweden because she was Jewish and she’s going to get killed if she didn’t move. The other girl with her best friend, who wasn’t Jewish, But was hiding her and her family. I know you might be thinking why is this relevant to my story. Because there’s been multiple times in my life where I have used this exact same graph. The exact same three circle graphs except my name is on the left and someone else’s name in on the right. Today I had a conflict between my family. This conflict wasn’t the first time we ever talked about it. Just a basic argument in which I am too embarrassed to talk about. But overall my older sister told me I had a problem with changing. I admit that I am not the best sister, daughter, and friend. Like I said before I’m the asshole. But I do not take pride into being “the asshole”. I’ve known for a while that I have a problem with changing but when it comes to friends I do not have a problem changing at all. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to figure out why I do not listen to what my older sister had to say about me. I used to blame this on how she treated me during the quarantine of the COVID 19 pandemic.during that time I would get yelled at everyday by my immigrant father and his golden child of an older daughter. Aka my older sister. I call her the “golden child” because most of the time it seems like nothing is wrong with her. She had gotten straight A’s since middle school. She’s not a virgin and she has had many boyfriends before. Now what more can she ask for? I guess her life then didn’t fulfill her that she had to torment me by calling me profanities everyday. But this is all besides the point. As I look back on those times. I had made that same graph between me and my older sister many times. Of course u have to always start with the qualities one person has and in this case I’ll start with my older sister. Of course she’s pretty, she’s smart, she’s a future lawyer, never had below an 3.0. When u look at some of the qualities I wrote what can come to your mind. She’s perfect right? Wrong. Not only do u have to write the good qualities about a person u also have to write the bad. She is impatient, short tempered,rude, hypocritical, and most importantly naive. Now what does naive have to do with this situation. In reality my older sister is shown to be the ox. The strong smart girl breaking the stereotypes against women. But every ox has a naive side when it comes to one thing in life. Romance. My older Sister has been thrown into good and mediocre relationships. I think all of them changed her. So how does my older sister get mad so fast. This problem stemmed from childhood. As I mentioned before my dad immigrated from Peru to the United States specifically California. If you have immigrant parents you should know what this means but if you don’t I’ll give you a short summary. The stereotype that is given to immigrant parents is that they put a lot of pressure on their kids but the pressure usually goes to the oldest child. This is correct at least in my case. My older sister got a lot of pressure to be the very best she can be academically. But in my defense this was always shown that she was naturally smart. And I had to accept that whether it was true or not.

[imsoantianti]

Journal entries from a stuck up brat

March 13th 2022

Entry 1- what more could u ask for?

Im sitting in the parking lot of Nordstrom rack with my family. What really stuck out to me was the first song playing on the radio. Dancing with myself by billy idol. One of the hardest things that I have ever had to do was finally accept that good things don’t happen to me. I’m constantly in a sea of “ smart people”. I got reminded of this when I was one of the few people in my class to not get accepted to high-school with honors . Which is my fault but it’s still sad. That’s besides the point. When I take a look at my family I see a hard working adult man who was able to sustain himself and his family even after the passing of my mother. I take a look at my older sister a future lawyer, never failed an assignment, forever hardworking badass. Then I look at my twin. My twin is finally accepting the good and the bad in life. She also happens to be successful and have overall luck when it comes to anything. Finally you have me . For the last two years of my life I have been incapable of looking at myself as something worthy. I can no longer look at myself as a human only an object that happens to have a conscious. I have thoughts, feelings, outbursts, but I never seem to say them out loud. My relationship with my older sister is very strained. She moved out last fall to attend college. But even before that, we grew distant. I used to talk to her all the time but then things took a turn. During quarantine she started treating me bad. It felt like we were teenage frenmies. Friends to enemies trope from those coming of age movies. Since I had a twin she just moved on to the next best thing. At first I didn’t think much of it. I’ve always respected the boundaries in 3 way friendships . Though the ones I had never lasted long. I was not jealous I just felt the boundary line between family and I shift again. I let them grow close, they were happy, and I accepted it. I moved on I got used to seeing our relationship as a math equation. Three minus two is one. And I will always be the one that is left over. My dad though became emotionally unavailable after the passing of my mother. He never turned to drugs or alcohol. He just drowned himself in work to support us. And for that I will forever be grateful. I bet you have heard of the “ whatever you give life you will get back”. That never really seemed to be the case for me. What if I have my all to life? But never get anything in return. And if I even wanted to get something in return what would it be? A material ítem? Or eternal happiness in this day and age? I feel that I’ll never get something in return. Today my family and I were walking out of a store. I was behind all of them. A memory came back to me . I was sitting at the dining table after an argument with my familyThe sight was no different then what I saw today but instead we were all sitting. I saw 3 people and then there was me. The though from that emery and the though I had to day was the same. “ they look better without me”. I still stand by that. You have the hard working dad and the two skinny daughters whose bond seem to never break. What more could you ask for?

#Spotify

[imsoantianti]

True ⚬ Colours

[imsoantianti]

Hello! My name is Alessandra and I’ve always wanted to start a tumbler but did not until recently. During tumblers prime time as an app I was young and did not have a phone or any other internet device. I also have a tik tok and instagram under the same username, Imsoantianti. My tik tok has a couple of anime edits but I have not posted in a long time. My Instagram which is a private account, which is much more personal in the fact that I post pictures of myself and of friends. On my Instagram i have posted a couple cosplays of anime characters. My tik tok page is public so check it out if you want to! When people ask me what I career I desire to pursue I always go with becoming a psychiatrist. But I always fail to bring myself to mention the thought I always have in the back of my head. A social media blogger who posts about makeup and fashion. I have grown up in a family where becoming something like this is considered slightly taboo. I’m interested by many things such as Fashion ( more of an alternative style) Makeup ( I like to think that I specialize in winger eyeliner makeup looks and more editorial looks) I was always around someone who was infested in anime my friend introduced to ohshc ( ouran highschool host club) when I was in the 4th grade but I did not counting watching anime until late may of 2021 Some of my fav animes/ mangas are.. chainsaw man Death note Nana Devil man Crybaby Before I came out as pansexual my friends have told me that my disguise as a straight person was excellent. I used to watch shows shot with people who weren’t animated but gossip girl didn’t always entertain me. Lately I turned to euphoria now that I am able to see myself when I look in a mirror A couple things about me is that I live in the states and I have curly brown hair. I grew up making online friends on the gaming platform roblox. Luckily I was able to maintain 2 friendships since them one with Sarah and the other with rafi. I met them on the game royale high. I discontinued playing roblox and started playing Genshin but I also stopped play Genshin because of the amount of storage it consumed on my phone. With this tumbler page I hope to share with you all pieces of myself I cannot share in real life. Whether than can be storytimes of myself so far, fashion collages for alternative people, and makeup tips!

#introduces #nana #signal boost

[imsoantianti]

Me defending Fez against people who trash him for being a drug dealer: “maybe if you had a business that you were passionate about then you would know what it takes to run a business but you don't”