ineffboyable

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I know I'll be fine but I also don't want to go to work

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Honestly social media influencer culture has taken an axe to the bachelor franchise

#I never thought I wouldn't like a season of paradise

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My You're a cowboy like me casting:

Space ace horse girl cowboy: Taylor Smith

Demisexual/romantic honky tonk cowboy: Tim Hiddlestone

Brokeback Mountain cowboy: Joseph Illwin

#cowboy like me #taylor swift #evermore #ace pride #it's complicated

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I love that the bachelor documents the evolution of the eff boy for us all to remember and reflect on as a society

#The bachelor #musings

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I'M ALL ABOUT YOU LIE-EYE

#taylor swift #Evermore #Long story short #I survived public opinion by pretending to be in a happy relationship #And am still surviving

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Anyone wish they could express their thoughts and questions on Swiftie tumblr without being bullied and gaslit?

#taylor swift #swifties #Just genuinely confused about grammy stuff but Swifties turn it into me hating her? #Are there pr people undercover on here

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Okay, I have been casually catsitting (not doing it as a business) for over a decade. Usually when people take vacation, but sometimes in recent years mid-day check-ins on I'll or elderly pets. I normally don't get too bogged down by the inconvenient parts of the job (lots of time driving, mediocre pay, stressful communication, being nitpicked or reprimanded when petowner has really specific requests) because I'm not able to have cats of my own and I genuinely enjoy seeing my fireball clients (most of the time.)

However, I'm noticing I'm way burnt out and I wonder if anyone can relate...

I think it all started when Christmas 2019 I agreed to sit for two clients who live 30+ minutes apart. I don't mind working over the holidays too much but wow I was basically spending the entire day driving for four or five days bc both people wanted 2-3 visits. One client does tip me, but overall getting $15 for what ends up being over an hour of work+commute with no gas included. And while sitting for one cat and having to drive over twice a day is a little stressful, doing it between two places is just......no.

BUT while I refer to the two families I sit for as clients, they are both friends of my family. This adds such a weird stressful dynamic. I would raise my rates or turn one client down or say I can only do one visit, but there's a guilt/anxiety around it bc I know they don't have the money to pay more and I know their situation in life and that finding an agency to come in would be stressful. But I also realize that not standing up for myself creates a level of resentment that simmers under the surface and boils up whenever some minor thing happens (note asking to please not leave dishes in the sink, passive aggressive text from client, etc.)

I guess at the end of the day, I'm not some 16 year-old making some money to get fro yo when I go out with my youth group anymore (thank God)... I'm a grown woman who does as thorough of a job as I can taking care of your pets and usually spends way too much time b/c I feel bad that they're alone and also have little sense of time. I'm essentially a top of the line artist giving you bargain basement prices.

Don't get me wrong...mostly my clients do say thanks and sometimes I do fall short. Another difficult thing about casually sitting for people you know is that they are in the mindset that you are a petsitter who will follow their exact schedule for their pets when irl your accommodating them and working them into/bending your existing schedule. But overall I feel locked into...I have to always say yes to requests for sitting and I can't take breaks.

Lately, I've been doing check-ins for one client who went back to work. I'm still working my retail job so I'm bending over to accommodate her and the kitties. Driving 15 minutes to spend thirty minutes letting cats outside bc she is now afraid to leave them outside which inevitably turns into 45 bc you can't herd cats back inside and then having to drive 30-40 to my job bc I'm further out of my way.... all for $15. Idk. I just feel like all my labor in undervalued but I also don't see myself being worth enough to expect more. All the things I love and have considered working in just don't pay: museums, music, mental health, writing, religion, animal care. Sometimes I feel like crap or even scared bc I don't know how I'll make it down the road when I'm not living with family. This turned into something else but...

Anyways, today I had agreed to go do a check-in, but I sprained my ankle three weekends ago and spent this week working standing up (womp womp) so it had ballooned up again this morning. I was going to soldier and go, but I had this growing sense of "no. I need to rest my damn foot and I am mentally and physically exhausted and this is my day off anyways why am I putting my well-being after a check-in that is not totally necessary." So I text her And explain about my ankle, and she's just like okay that's fine I'm coming home early." And I'm like wtf you're not sorry About my ankle?? Do you think I'm lying to get out of this? I am doing all this as a favor to you and the cats bc the paycheck is sad for his draining this whole thing is.

And the trouble with knowing this person in addition to have a sort of business transaction with them is that I start making excuses for their rude behavior bc I know they're very stressed etc. Or as I mentioned before, I guilt myself into saying yes to jobs I don't want bc I am busy and overwhelmed myself. Ex. Aforementioned client asked me earlier in the year about sitting Easter break. I am torn bc I know my family is planning to rent a beach house as a staycation, and I haven't vacationed since a two-night trip Feb. '20. But client says she's going to see her dad and I know he's elderly and she hasn't seen him but once since quarantine started...how can I let her down?? So I end up saying I'll sit for her part of the week I'm taking off while I'm still home, figuring she can get a service for the rest. Lo and behold, she doesn't end up going to see her dad but ends up taking my service so she can go visit a friend. I spend half my vacation essentially working, sprain my ankle and try to work on it, feel generally annoyed.

I know some of this is on me; I am working on setting boundaries and getting more in tune with myself and communicating better. It's on the table in therapy and constantly on my mind, but maybe some can relate about the stress of sitting "unprofessionally." Not that sitting with business it without problems...my friend was making under the poverty line when she had a business. But you can have a bit more separation in theory.

OH one more thing...THE CAMERAS. Now both my clients have security cameras and I kinda get it. You live alone. There's a stranger in the house. But it's VERY uncomfortable and a little demeaning. My friend who worked professionally agreed with this. I wish people would be more upfront and clear about the cameras and consult you a bit. It's like, client got a security system and just told me to make a pass key one day. I assumed the camera turned off when you turned alarm off and were in house, but I get a text the other week about something I did in the house and I'm a little, 1) hurt they feel they have to monitor me, 2) creeped out they are going thru footage of me. You know, again when you have an established relationship with someone and they claim to trust you, it is a bit demeaning to be recorded. Also just (let me reiterate) uncomfy. The camera clicks and stuff. And it didn't even occur to me until recently that it records sounds.

Anyways, I probably sounds like an entitled asshole whineypants but I thought there was the possibility this would help someone. I do really love cats even if I'm developing allergies 🙃 and I can understand my clients' anxiety to some extent, but I just feel really burnt out right now in this area and others.

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What kind of twisted, sexist world do we live in that when a financially independent woman adopts a cat, the general public automatically says it belongs to her boyfriend and call said boyfriend a "cat dad".

#I'm sorry taylor #cat lady

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Fun fact: first few listens of white dress, I thought Lana meant that she was carrying her head in her hands like some sort of Sleepy Hollow shit.

#That was more fun #White dress #lana del rey #lana del rey chemtrails

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Wow jaywalking with your baby in nyc exhaust while one-handling the stroller and staring at each other to prove your lOvE. Great life choices.

It's amazing that they do the flour bag baby project for 20s and 30s now. They lose points for no diaper bag though. You need to carry a lot of crap when you take children out.

The look of disdain K has for that child...

(I hope that dress comes in a Woman's Size 12, however.)

#Your daily dose of cynicism

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Me this week....

#Finally quitting #Working on a sprained ankle #Let her cat live a private life #Respect cats #Oh also I don't have a job to replace this one with I just hate this job so much I can't anymore and it's only 10 hours a week

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Sometimes I think I'm more attracted to historic buildings than people

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I hate going into a store you're really excited about, but five minutes in it suddenly feels way too crowded and you're sweating because you wore a sweater and the basket is heavy and someone is squeaking the door and now someone is asking you if you need help and now someone is trying to squeeze past you and you're not sure if this is on sale because there's a sign over there but not here and you've been in here for who knows how long because you have no sense of time so you need to make a decision so you kinda choose but stand in line looking around to see if there are better options oh now it's your turn but you were so focused on trying to out stuff down you forgot to say hi back to the cashier shit she looks kind of annoyed now maybe? You watch her ring it up and shit is that what that one costs? Oh no...you see the total and break out in another sweat because you didn't do the mental math correctly and that's three hours' salary. Shit. But there's a line behind you and you're too shy to ask for something to be taken off it's all moving too fast oh God put the debit card in and just say yes and then you can run out to cry about how stupid you are and worry whether the cashier thought you were stuck up and judged you for spending so much money.

Okay I see now why I feel afraid to leave the house many days....

#overstimulation #anxiety #highly sensitive person

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Free Taylor

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When your therapist says, "I want to affirm you and your choices, but I'm holding myself back so you can have practice affirming yourself."

And inwardly you're like...no. please. Affirm me.

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Here is the deep dark truth:

I am ashamed I have not gone to grad school.

I know it would have been a bad idea because I had undiagnosed bipolar ii and I would have bad a messy breakdown, but I see my friends and former co-workers finishing up, and I'm so embarrassed. I know there's still time to go, but is it worth it, especially when so many people I know are getting MA's? Is this still something I want? Hard to tell when I'm no longer working in my field but stocking greeting cards in the trenches.

I feel like everyone is looking at me and raising their eyebrows at the wasted potential, but I swear to glorp I'm trying.

I was so excited about grad school when I was in college because I felt so empowered at the idea that I could go. I had never considered it in the cards for me until a professor told me I really really should go. But now it's switched from "WOW I CAN DO THIS I'M PSYCHED" to "WOW I NEED TO DO THIS BUT I'M PSYCHED OUT."

When you've lived for a decade and a half with bipolar and school and work have almost always been miserable even when you were having fun or living your dream, you just get afraid. Job and school have come to equal in my psyche an unsafe place to fear. I guess that's why I choke whenever I sit down to write cover letters.

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Okay, I get why people install security cameras in their houses or doorbells, but now that both the people I cat sit for have them, I feel low-key creeped out. Especially when they text me about something they saw on video. I'm like...are you watching me?? You know me and I stay double with your felines and you're gonna spy on me like a random? Idk. Petty but if you sit maybe you can relate. It's weird and provides a constant low- to medium-level of anxiety for the duration of the time I sit.

Plus I've found that pople frequently change their particulars about what they want for their pets and don't always tell you, so then when they confront you about something you didn't realize was a problem, it's just so discouraging, especially when you've been trying to overachieve. Maybe I need to calm down on the overachieving...