jiannaeloise

[jiannaeloise]

Poem 005

Words unspoken.

Unspoken understanding.

Understanding what's broken.

Broken and misaligning.

Misaligning the truth I've been keeping.

Keeping what I can and hold it in.

In doing so, a whole lot of reminiscing.

Reminiscing yet I couldn't win.

Win or lose, this is a battle I choose.

Choose my heart or lose my mind?

Mind over matter, there is no use.

Use all the time I wish I could rewind.

Rewind all the good until I tire.

Tire myself in details I missed all the while.

While all of what's left may go haywire,

Haywire in heartbeats, for you, an extra mile.

-----

Won't break, can't shake this fate, rewrite.

Deep breaths, tight chest, life, death, rewind.

You're just my eternal sunshine.

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[jiannaeloise]

My last three weeks

So I finally did it. I submitted my resignation last March 5th. Majority of my decision was just really me desiring growth and ultimately feeling that I have done what needs to be done in a span of a year and a couple of months. I also felt like I lost myself and miss my old self. Again, I'm not as passionate and excited doing the things I loved before and I think it shows. So while I can still save myself and the idea of going earlier, it will be easier for me to let go. I did grieve leaving. Of course, just like something you used to love, you can't help but grieve for them. I am excited for the future even if I don't have a concrete plan. It's just this feeling that my future self is thanking and congratulating me that I got out as early as I could.

I have prayed that I hope the days of March will be slow as it can just like January. Because I am making the days count especially for the people I've gotten close with in the company. I'm going out with my gang more especially Mary. But for this week, for some reason, my one-on-one dinner with H keeps on getting postponed (he's the first one who initiated it btw). Just the fact that he told me: "Sure na talaga bukas" then postponing it to another day is really getting to me. I'd really rather have him say: "I think it's going to be a hectic week, can we set in next week instead?" Than tell me: "I think I only have one hour." And then minutes later tell me, if it would be okay to move it to a different day. It is soooo frustrating. But I did express my devastation and he did say sorry. I let him make me a promise for the third time. Let's see if third time really is the charm...

Hopeful for the future,

J

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[jiannaeloise]

Glimmers in the late

I haven't updated much and written in a long time that I think I need to do a life update. Nothing much has changed since the last day of December 31st of 2023. As much as I want to jump on in the 2023 recap bandwagon, it hurts for me to go back to memories from last year because half of it was good but the last months was really heartbreaking. It changed me a lot. Most days, I feel like I cannot recognize myself anymore no matter how much I try to put myself back to pieces. I honestly have no perfect word to describe what I'm going through. I numb myself by watching series with themes that are on the surface level, though I started watching cooking shows to spark some passion of trying out something I haven't done (like ever). Even my writing here seems like a mess.

Anyway, the reason I wrote today was from a sparked question. It made me tear up, which means I must not be entirely numb after all. And the question was: "Why does certain things happen right about when it's too late?" This question emerged because another workmate submitted his resignation. It was funny because I had a three-way call with two of our Architects on the 2nd day of January in the middle of a work day. Basically, they were given a notice to explain for something that happened around December of 2023 which was our separate Christmas party. They were both asking me what's the right thing to do and the next step, not knowing that one of them already made a decision to resign anyway. It was at that moment that I thought: "Why didn't we do this more often last year? Why just now?"

Maybe there is a gift in the late glimmers for those who are leaving. I wonder what would be mine. Yes, I already decided I will resign this year and prepared a letter. It really is just a matter of when. I have no plans yet but all I know is I don't want to work at a corporate job anymore. I want to finally do something I'm passionate about. I don't know what it is yet but I just listed some down. I want to grow up and get out of my comfort zone and I won't be able to do that if I stay here longer than I should. Talk about let go and surrender.

Surviving and still trusting,

J

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[jiannaeloise]

Chapter Closed

For the past few weeks I've been dreading for this month. I got exactly what I asked for in prayer for things to go back the way it used to be when I didn't feel a thing for you. It was so funny when I got your name for the exchange gift. It was like the odds gave me a wink and said: "It's your chance to show him how you care at least." In a sense, it was like a form of surrender on my end. Whatever I think happened between us, I already released it. Wala na akong babalikan. I only will move forward from here on out. Maybe it wasn't really meant to be said whatever you wanted to say and what I was supposed to almost say. I just know that moments like this with you is something I won't take for granted. I'm just glad to get to meet you and have you in my life, even for a moment. Maybe you're the kind of attraction that I shouldn't try to make meaning of. You're the kind of attraction that doesn't need to be spoken of or about. It roots between glances, smiles, and stolen stares. There is a part of me that still wants to talk about what I wanted to say because I want to have a sense of closure. But I really don't know why I would need one. But for the most part I really want to surrender everything.

I honestly still am in the brink and I've been thinking of resigning my post. I know it would be something you would ask about. But I've been thinking about it for a while now. Although, I don't know why I get the feeling that you already have an idea that I'm not going to stay long. I don't know why I lost all my appetite to work. There's no motivation and direction. All of a sudden, I'm trying to look for purpose and sense for the thing I used to love doing. Sa totoo lang, napanghinaan ako ng loob sa mga nangyayari sa company natin that it has also affected that choices I made in my personal life. I honestly don't know why I'm still here at all. But I promised I'll stay until next year hanggang matapos yung isang project mo. For now, I guess this is really a test of faith and endurance on my end. I don't know what the future will look like. I just really hope there are better days ahead.

Letting go,

J

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[jiannaeloise]

Mentally on the brink

I used to have fun at work doing what I love most but right now I seem to have no direction. I get excited about the littlest things and recently I don't. Life is happening before me and yet I don't get excited about making any kind of connection. I just want to stay at home and wallow or drown in my own emotions and thoughts. A team member just submitted her resignation last November 15. We worked together so well and loved our dynamic. Life goes on they say so I try to put on my best behavior. I try to do my 100 percent even if I don't feel like it. I'm losing hope, losing faith, and losing sleep. How long am I supposed to navigate and cope with the things recently happening within me and outside of me? I've been wanting to bawl my eyes out with tears but nothing is coming out. I think I'm starting to become numb... I want to badly to talk to someone but don't want to reach out. I've been trying to do a cry for help in between my messages but no one seems to be offering any comfort. The only comfort I have now is watching FRIENDS and the occasional moments I have in prayer. I don't know what's going to happen in the future and if I will get back to my normal rhythm in my work. Sometimes I wish I could have taken that executive assistant position because nothing is going on right in my life anyway so might as well take on it.

Gosh, I miss the old me. The happy content creator. I have one last solution to this melancholy. One thing that could possibly save and relight the fire for the thing I love doing the most. I have decided to go to the van Gogh exhibit with my guy best friend. The last time I went to Da Vinci's, it was definitely something that I looked back thinking: "My god, I needed that."

Trying to stay resilient,

Jianna

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[jiannaeloise]

Just like in the movies

Last night I was offered to be an Executive Assistant to the CEO of our company. I had to take a pause because I think it's one of the most important and highest position I could take if I said yes. But the thing was I had only 15 minutes to decide and I had to decide right then and there. I don't have time to think or even pray about it. The salary increase is tempting but just like Uncle Ben says in Spiderman: "With great power comes great responsibility." The once-in-a-lifetime opportunity came to me dramatically. Like a marquee question with the words: "Ready to change your life overnight?" I don't have the experience and don't know how to be an executive assistant. My heart is really in the creatives. I just thought, I think it would be better if they get someone who is already capable and knows what to do. On the other side of it though, I did think about the growth and the pros I will have if I did take the job. But my life literally flashed before my eyes to fast forward events if I had said yes. At one point, I even thought: "What if I consider and say can we do a dry run?" But I thought that once I do that, there's really no backing out. I just know my life will turn upside down in an instant. I really wish there's a Black Mirror option in life where I could see what my life would be if I said yes or no. But If I had said yes, I would have to say goodbye to my weekends because I would need to work. And honestly, I'm still coping with the stress I have with work. I'm mentally still trying to maintain my momentum. I don't think I can handle more at the moment. At the end of the day, I have a feeling I made the right decision to say no and that's enough.

Crazy times ahead,

J

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[jiannaeloise]

Thoughts

I've been wanting to get back on track with my personal life for some reason. I am missing someone (we haven't seen each other for a loooong time) but all of a sudden, I also missed myself. I missed myself in a sense that I haven't been posting on my stories like I usually would. I wanted to get some normalcy during my mundane days by watching series after work. I felt like somewhere during this month of October, I kind of lost myself. But maybe I feel this way because the month of September to October has been hectic as fuck and I've been stressed. I now feel the pressure of helping the team to contact people and make a sale and yet I do not know how to converse on the phone. I literally have no idea of what is the workaround and what I would say to clients. I have no training whatsoever to be doing what I've been told to do. I missed just being a content creator but I know that I won't grow just by being there. So now, I have no choice and no say but to just do. They said we would focus on buyer's acquisition but every week for this month we would have property visits which is the opposite of what they told us we should do. They say this is just a temporary thing but I do want to do everything I can to help.

Last night I had dinner with my workmate, because I want to relax and feel at ease and want to get that sense of normalcy I was talking about. And it does feel good. I just really hope I get a glimpse of "getting back on the horse." Or at least ride the wave of this new change in my routine because I want everything to be exactly the way it was, and I don't if that's a good thing or if that's just my comfort zone talking.

Big sighs,

Jianna Eloise

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[jiannaeloise]

Tiring Day: A Life Update

Last week have been hella hectic. I started becoming active at church again and was asked to be one of the project heads of an activity. I'm grateful to be heading and really surprised from all of it. There were a lot of backend details that needed to be taken care of but I know I surely will miss organizing an event like this, hectic as it may. 😄

There were a couple of people I didn't want to see in that activity. Still, I maintained a civil attitude towards them and surprisingly even said thank you. Sure, there was already forgiveness in my heart. But again, it wasn't an invitation for me to be friends with them. No hard feelings just all in good boundaries. Doing that felt like a statement. That I made the right decision to leave their group. That I made the right decision to stand up for my best friend who they stabbed in the back over and over again. That I can still do good or great things and my oh my was it a treat for them to see it themselves without having them back in my life.

OG church crush was there too. I realized that praying with him face to face got awkward now. It was also there that it dawned on me that it feels different and that I'm not used to his presence like before. It was then I knew I was looking and missing someone else.

But all in all it felt amazing to be seeing real good friends from the church and I got to know some of the elders who I see but don't know the names of since it's been awhile since I just got active again. I truly missed this. Serving and having a sense of community. It feels good!

Can't wait for more,

J

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[jiannaeloise]

First Phone Call Ever

July 22nd of this year, you asked if you could call because you needed an advice. Today you just said: "I'll call you later." Ano kayang meron at bigla mo naman naisipan na tawagan ako, Architect? But I knew the moment I answered that call that I wouldn't be able to sleep afterwards. 😂 We lasted 1 hour and almost 30 minutes during the call. But you're asking more of me more than me of you and I'm surprised (and touched) you remember every detail. In that call I mentioned B1. And you asked me something that caught me off-guard: "Gusto mo ba siya?" Siyempre no agad sagot ko kasi ikaw talaga gusto ko ANUBA. 🤣 then some time after I asked you: Baka may gusto ka i-share?" Tapos ang sabi mo lang: "Meron. Pero hindi ko alam kung dapat bang ishare eh. Feel ko kailangan ko na iunload kasi mababaliw na ako." "Mmm? Ano yun?" And you fell silent like you were about to say it or you are hesitating as usual. "Basta mabigat." "Gaano kabigat yan, Architect?" "Mga 5 kilos. Try mo nga hulaan." "Aba. Ewan ko sayo! Hahaha." then fast forward you asked me: "Ano ba yung sasabihin mo?" "Anong sasabihin?" "Diba sabi mo may sasabihin ka tapos hindi mo naman sinabi." "Ahhhhh. Pag nagkita na lang tayo." "Ano bang difference sa call now from then?" "Basta mas gusto ko sa personal." "Tungkol ba saan yan?" "Secret. Sa personal ko na lang sasabihin yung sasabihin ko tapos ikwento mo yung ikekwento mo."Oh sino mauuna?"

Alam mo, Architect.... ano bang ginagawa natin?! 😂 My goodness me. Wala akong masabi. Masaya naman ako na nagcall tayo noh. Pero hindi ako makatulog. BAKIT BA KASI TUMAWAG TAWAG KA. 🤣 Feel ko talaga narinig ako ng Universe eh kasi lately si B1 ang kausap ko pag calls. Sabi ko lang while I was thinking about you: "Sana all madali lang mag sabi ng "can I call?" tapos ginagawa talaga." LO AND BEHOLD. Narinig ako ng matindi. 😂

In another news, sana maulit. Next month daw ulit eh. Nakakatawa. 😅

More calls please 🙈,

J

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[jiannaeloise]

"There are many kinds of joy, but they all lead to one: the joy to be loved. You must let what happens happen. Everything must be equal in your eyes, good and evil, beautiful and ugly, foolish and wise."

— The Neverending Story, Michael Ende

[jiannaeloise]

People have been coming back from the grave...

Just the other day, an old fling reconnected and wanted to meet. And you know how it is. Of course he just wants to fuck. The thing is, I'm beginning to be tired. Even the thought of masturbating is not enticing to me anymore and I have no idea what's happening. I was expecting my thirties to be dirty to be honest but everything seems to be happening the entire opposite. But this is not even the surprise reconnection the last few days. The end of my August was so crazy, B1 added me again. Yes, that guy best friend that I loved who was supposed to be married. Yes, that guy who I had a tension with and almost fucked. He's back. I don't know exactly what this means but I forgave and completely left everything behind for my own healing. But the thing is B1 wants to talk to me personally. I don't know why I feel like HD and I should talk first before anything else. I know we don't necessarily have a thing but lately I've been telling him that I want to tell him something. I feel like he deserves to know in person that I made a decision not to tell him whatever it is I am supposed to say. I don't know when that will be but I kinda want to consult him about B1 when we meet and ask him if it's a good idea if I should meet up with him despite of what happened.

What the fuck,

Jc

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[jiannaeloise]

Dear Future Husband,

I just woke up from my sleep from watching Manifest. I'm on Season 4 now. I don't know what it is but I searched for the IG account of the series. I witnessed the table reads and a plot twist I didn't see coming. That's when an epiphany hit me. I don't know where and when you're going to appear in my life but I think I hit a crossroad. I'm not gonna give up searching for you in every eyes I meet or in every voice I hear. But I am finally going to give up control. With every question not asked by a person, I'm not going to circle back. With every conversation that died down with a connection, I'm not going to circle back. Because if there's one thing I learned today is that I would love to see the plot twist of how meeting you without being stuck in the details. I'm always the kind reading in between the lines, trying to catch any single clue. And I could figure it all out if I tried and if I wanted to. But what if I don't have to? I want to stay in the present, trusting the magic of how our story will unfold. You're getting near. I just know it. But I promise, I will stay patient and I promise to let go of any control and smile at it if it arises.

Always patiently waiting,

Your Wife

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[jiannaeloise]

FALSE ALARM

Soooo. Hindi pala magreresign sina Architect. Lilipat lang sila ng sister company namin. Nasayang pa lungkot at luha ko. My goodness. 😅 Pinagalala pa nga ako. Hindi naman ako galit but I really went on my workday sad. I listened to emo songs while crying in front of my laptop. I saw him on the same day and I couldn't fathom what my work day would be without them. I showed up at a 100% during work even if the sadness would dawn on me from time to time. My heart was heavy but I couldn't let him show that.

But if he was to go, yesterday's feat was so memorable! We went to the casino and a friend of mine won a major prize worth 60K! 🤣 I still couldn't believe it until now. 😂

Last night while I was with him, I was thinking about it. If I should tell him. Spending time with him made me realize that I missed our old dynamic. Back when I still didn't have feelings for him. I missed our witty banter exchange. It dawned on me that it doesn't have to be difficult. I could just stay there, appreciating him and his presence.

Then last night his: "May I ask you something?", brought me back to the month of May when he first said: "May question ako." I slept at 2am and had a dream about him. In my dream, the girl that he supposedly likes asks him in a video recording she sent me: "Gusto mo siya ligawan?!" "Gusto ko ligawan si Janine. Sana magpaconvert." And I knew he was talking about his religion in my dream. I know I know. Sounds delulu or whatever. Pero at this point, hindi ko na maintindihan...

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[jiannaeloise]

Maybe: A Farewell Letter

I couldn't sleep yet. I can't believe it. I can't process it yet. Is this a bad dream, Architect? Sa totoo lang ayaw ko mag farewell letter. But maybe just this once, I will allow myself to pour my heart into this. I still was thinking if sasabihin ko pa ba sayo yung dapat kong sasabihin kung wala na pala? Naisip ko, ano pang sense? What's the purpose? It's going to be pointless. Kung sasabihin ko naman ngayon, then I'm not really honoring what I told you and that is to heal. I keep telling myself na I didn't want to be one of the reasons kung bakit marami ka pang iisipin. You just had an engagement breakup then you realized that you like someone. Paano na kung malaman mo naman na may nagkakagusto pala sayo? Mayayanig kaya mundo mo? Hindi ko na iniisip yung magiging reaction or response mo eh. Iniisip ko na lang yung overall well-being mo. I promised na hindi ko sasabihin. But with all that's happening, I'm suddenly convinced na baka dapat ko nang sabihin before it's too late... I am waaay too late, Architect. Alam ko sabi mo magkikita pa tayo. But, what happens now? Hindi ko makita yung araw na wala ka dun. WOW. Hahahaha. I mean, kasi nasanay ako na andiyan ka lang eh... Sino na imemessage ko pag kailangan ko ng tulong? Sino na kukulitin ko? 😔 Nalulungkot ako. Kasi wala na yung favorite kong Architect. Ughhh. Nakakainis. 😅

Hay. I hope na sana kahit wala ka na sa AS, sana ganun pa rin tayo. Sana walang magbago. But who really knows what will happen from here? But this is my promise, I want to make you proud even from behind the scenes. I'll do the best I can to be the great leader you know I would be someday. Akala ko ako yung unang aalis kasi hindi ko kaya yung sakit na makikita ko. Uunahan mo pala ako kasi kailangan mo mag move on. 😂

Salamat sa lahat, Architect. Sa memories in just a span of months. I was so glad to get to know you and get close to you. Thank you for letting me see you for who you are. Thank you for the friendship. Thank you for the joy that you brought into my life. Thank you for letting me see Jesus in you. Hindi ako nagsisi na nagustuhan kita kahit wrong timing kasi sa lahat ng nagustuhan ko, ikaw yung pinaka matino. Hahaha. Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for the wisdom. I don't what's in store, now that this has happened. All I know is that God made us meet for a reason and a purpose. We just don't know it yet. Or maybe we do but only both our heart knows and it's that one sacred secret that our hearts both share. I never told you this but I cried about you last weekend because I realized I love you. I wish I just could have told you in person. I hope I have the strength to tell you. I don't know if I can. I want to turn back time. Just to relive everything.

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[jiannaeloise]

FUCK

Last week, I had this thought. "Nako pag si Architect nagresign mas may chance na magkita pa yung iba sa amin. Pero kaming dalawa baka bihira na lang." I didn't think about that passing thought that much. I went on with my life thinking I'm finally healing. I'm finally moving on. But today for some reason, I woke up with my heartbeat heavy. I couldn't breathe when I woke up. I don't know why I felt I would miss H and how he would message me when he needs me. I even thought: "Magmemessage naman yun pag kailangan niya ako." I didn't know that all my instinct meant something. I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to think. All I know is I'm crying...

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[jiannaeloise]

So this is what the road to healing & acceptance looks + feels like.

There's something about art, no matter what form, is so therapeutic. It's not just about the aesthetic that we are all so familiar with and what we see depicted in social media. Maybe that's the reason why a lot of painters lean into it. I've been wanting to go on art dates not just for the sake of content but to be in awe of what thousands of wise talented individuals have brought to life with just a color and a brush. I was not disappointed. 💙

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[jiannaeloise]

Rant Confessions for H #1:

Nakakafrustrate. Bakit ganun? There would be times na isang message mo lang, masaya na ako. And that would make my entire day and then maaalala ko, hindi nga pala ako yung gusto mo. Kasi you'd bring her up in our group chats. Kahit anong convince ko sa sarili ko na isipin na ako talaga at hindi siya para it would be easier for me to get along with her, masakit pa rin. Akala ko tapos na ako. Akala ko wala na akong gusto. But why does it still sting? Kinakaya ko magpanggap at magtago ng nararamdaman harap harapan. Kinakaya ko hindi ipakita na bawat pansin mo sa kaniya, hindi ako naaapektuhan. Alam mo ba yung totoong rason kung bakit ako nagleave ng Viber GC natin? It's because you said magrerefrain ka to hang out with her pero last week Sunday, ginawa mo pa rin. But I don't want to hold that against you. Sino ba naman ako, diba? The only solution I could think of is to escape the situation somehow. So I left the group not to put the attention on me but because a part of me wants to let you go na pero ito pa rin ako. Tangina. 😅 Kakayanin ko pa kaya na magintay until end of August bago magredownload ng dating app para makamove on na ako? There would be days I think bumabalik na tayo sa dati. Dun sa mga araw na wala pa akong gusto sayo. Dun sa mga araw na hindi pa kita nakikita. Kahit hindi tayo madalas magsama, ang lalim na ng mga pinaguusapan natin. Nakilala na kita. Nakilala mo na rin ako. Ano ba kasi dapat gawin? Hayaan ko na lang ba 'to at magtitiwala na this will eventually fizzle out like all the other guys I liked? A part of me wants to tell you how I feel pero sa lahat ng mga lalaking nagustuhan ko, ikaw yung napili ko na huwag sabihan. Maraming dahilan kung bakit hindi ako dapat magsabi. Maraming pwedeng maapektuhan. At higit sa lahat, hindi ka pa healed eh. Kaya ginagawa ko lahat ng makakaya ko para pigilan 'to. Pero hanggang saan? Hanggang kailan? I don't know why it feels one of us will eventually cave in. I just hope it's not me. Hayyyyy. Bakit kasi ikaw pa. 😔

Tinanong niya ako isang beses kung ano mga what ifs ko. Sasagutin ko na.

What if nameet kita na single ka? What if hindi alam ng mga tao na ikakasal ka dapat? May chance kaya tayong dalawa? What if ako talaga yung gusto mo pero ayaw mo lang sabihin? What if kagaya mo rin ako na nagpipigil lang at gusto nang tigilan? What if simulan natin sa umpisa? May reset button ba diyan?

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