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hi. i’m chris.
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Ruminate
I thought about putting my heart out in all things I do however it's not often the case.
Whenever I think about the things which frustrate me most, can't help but harbour fact on the negative perception of what could go wrong. I hated myself for feeling this way hence I start to write; I wrote things meant for myself to vent my feelings out.
As I think about this, thoughts come into my mind, questions came into my mind asking myself, "What's the point of living when things don't go exactly where you want to?" I surveyed across people in a crowd sometimes and thought to myself, "why are they staring at me", "is it cause I look 'weird'"? Self-consciousness started to evade my personal life and I feel a tinge uneasy - maybe because I have been numb to the pain or feeling which evoked my tendency to see a clear outlook in life. The pain I felt still exists in me until this day and often times, it's difficult for me to let it go.
Coming to a close, I find myself struggling to get through the day. I need to be able to come to terms of my struggle bare front; more the least, naked. Rumination is a sense of enduring through the painful motions in midst of the circumstances; and I found myself often doing that - like why? Why am I so afraid of judgement? The past flashbacks of why I recurred that incident and people who constantly judge themselves tend to be more critical in their doings. I'm the person who struggles in finding a purpose in the things I achieve and it's not just a one thing whereby you let go and it's ok in the end. No. Things take time and I hope I give myself enough grace to come through.
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What does it sounds like
The way we portray things such as seeing through the viewfinder of our camera is different from the lenses of life.
I decided to shoot digital one day while thinking about the effort I take in shooting film, turns out I didn’t like the satisfactory of shooting digital. Maybe it’s the lenses, or I didn’t like a particular focal lens, or I didn’t like how “digital” my photos look. In turn of this, I bought new films.
I temporarily stopped shooting film before March this year. I got back into film just recently early March, because I preferred how film brought out.
About 2 months ago, I was in the midst of searching for a job hence I needed some money in which, I decided to pause from film. I left before securing a job. Nonetheless, I purchased a Sony A6000 off Amazon overseas. It is a good camera with 16-50mm lens. It’s perfect for street photography. After usage of about a month or so, I didn’t quite liked how digital my photos are – as in it’s obviously digital there’s nothing more you can expect. I surveyed the areas and places I’ve been, and come to realise on my own expectations and convenience. I stopped to look by, look across to where I decide to take photos. Due to my restrictions and conservation, I couldn’t afford to travel overseas just yet.
Ruminating over the waiting period before I officially start my work, I was glad to have spent time shooting digital. Even though it seems elongated time which seemed to be wasted, it wasn’t wasted at all.
The thing is, you can still shoot manually. You can still try to do the things as much as you want to because, it’s something you enjoy. What I learn is to, not being afraid of getting judged by the things I enjoy doing that is in photography. You can shoot digital, and or film, and still receive hateful comments on your works. It’s critical, and sometimes you don’t have to accept it.
Something I’ve relearned was that, I’ve been told, “Don’t be too self-critical”, and I think that’s true and valid.
Being critical of our works means, we’re judging our works as what it is on the surface. What one’s works means is to be less critical and what I mean by less critical is not judge it. Your works are valid; your works deserve a form of recognition, but you need to understand the value of your work. This is not by someone’s words, but something I felt I needed to tell myself.
Hence coming back to shooting digital or film, it’s perfectly okay. It’s up to me, and my decision, in offering a service for myself in terms of accepting my works as it is.
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