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I finally bought myself some new jeans and bras to try. I have been wearing leggings since I’ve gained so much weight but I also feel so selfconscious in them. I will certainly have to return many of them since I can’t try them on in stores but... hopefully some will work.

#personal

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Food has been an absolute mess this week. Therapist wants us to try eating together next week as an exposure. I’m not sure if it will be easy or hard. There is so much I don’t understand about my mess of an eating disorder because I’ve spent all these years trying to ignore it...

#personal #eating disorder #bulimia

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Therapist wants me to try ice diving before eating, and distracting for 30 minutes after to try to break this cycles of binge/purge that started Friday. Gotta try.

#personal #bulimia

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I want to feel this beautiful in my body.  She looks so confident and calm.  I want to feel beautiful in my body too.

#tw nudity #nudity

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I don’t have a good relationship with food.

I want to figure that out.  I really liked the way HAES, and WW, talk about there being no “Bad” foods.   Health comes from variety and moderation and a lot of produce. 

I want to learn how to feel that way too.  I have strong associations with guilt, anxiety, and panic around some foods.  I had a horrible start to my morning - eating “forbidden” foods and purging before 10 am which... is very unusual for me.  Retrospectively, I know this was prompted from the shame I felt at not losing weight this week even thought I followed the WW program.

I don’t want to continue this behavior.  I want to find a healthy way to deal with the fact that the body has to eat, and the fact that I want to be healthy.  I’ve been such a mess around food for years now...

The rest of the day I haven’t been hungry yet.  I approach dinner now and... feel apprehension.  I want to be healthy.  But I don’t know yet how to do that.

I look forward to talking to my Dietician and Therapist tomorrow.

#personal #weight loss #bulimia #weight watchers

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I fell into my usual disordered pattern of over eating and purging yesterday. Unfortunately, today is the weigh in day and I’m very anxious about stepping onto the scale.

#personal #weight loss

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I finished reading “Health at Every Size” by Linda Bacon and am really looking forward to discussing it with my therapist.

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Reasons Why, 5:

To go for longer, hillier walks without aching knees and breathlessness.

#personal #weight watchers #weightloss

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I ended up purging again today. But, I’ve brought it down to just once a week ish where it used to be close to a daily problem. I’m going to figure out healthy eating. I’m going to recover. This is just a messy and imperfect process.

#personal #eating disorder #bulimia

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I’m really enjoying reading about intuitive eating, the idea that no food is bad, and if we eat mindfully and listen to our body we can let our body guide us to what it needs and the quantity it needs to be healthy.

It’s daunting to think of doing that... but I am also intrigued and curious to try perhaps...

#personal #intuitive eating #health at every #size

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Reasons Why, 4:

So I can go to the doctors without anxiety about being weighed and the comments that may follow.

#personal #weight watchers #weight loss

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Reasons Why, 3:

To enjoy going to the gym after Covid.

#weightloss #weight watchers #personal

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I’m so relieved that my therapist supports my idea to do WW. He loves that I’m also reading “Health at Every Size” by Linda Bacon. He is a bit hesitant/concerned about me having rules about food (as one does with WW) but so am I. He realizes I’m using my Wise Mind though and being very thoughtful and conscious of this and the potential risks. I think I can do this in a healthy way, and I’m committed to being open and honest to my therapist, dietician, and family.

#personal #weight watchers #therapy #weight loss

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Reasons Why, 2:

To fit back into my jeans.

#personal #weight watchers #weightloss

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Kept to my points limit again today! Not below and not above my range. No exercise though because my legs are sore and I’m forming a blister on my foot. I might exercise again tomorrow if I find time (Monday is my busiest day). If not then on Tuesday.

#personal #weight watchers #weightloss

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Reasons Why, 1:

So I can go for runs again.

#weight loss #personal #weight watchers

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I did it! I added some snacks into my evening and made it into the healthy range of points!

I’m having a hard time eating enough points on my meal plan today. I’ve only had 4 of 31 points. It feels safe eating zero point food, but today I feel anxious about eating anything with points.

It’s irrational and I know I need to eat more to earn the blue dot on the calendar and work towards my long term goals, it’s just hard today.

#weight watchers #personal #weightloss