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Okay, storytime.
For those of you don't know or don't remember, it was my birthday today.
Let's flashback. I don't know the exact date. But it was sometime during my Articleship period and before or during the initial COVID lockdown.
I met a girl at my office. I think she is a nerd or geek whatever the word is. What I want to say she is good at academics. Exceptionally. She cleared all exams of CA in the first attempt, I guess. She is CA now. She is younger than me a year or two maybe. I don't know the exact reasons yet but I felt attracted to her, mentally. I don't know much about her, even still. But eventually, I think I developed a crush. I started feeling something when she used to smile. But, to point out, the amount of time I actually spent around her is astronomically insignificant. Like, she doesn't even know much about me. Like, we didn't even seat next to each other. There is just this undying wish to get to know her, it still remained even after we parted at the office. And, a little wish to tell her how I felt. To tell you about her, she wears glasses, has a somewhat fragile body, not so weak not so strong. Average looks. Is into nature and hiking I guess. But is not obsessed about it as much as me, I guess. Doesn't have any experience with modern culture (movies, songs, anime, memes, etc) Is independent now, financially, I guess. Cause, she is doing a job.
Also, another thing, when I used to go to audit at one of our client's place, there they used to serve Lipton Green Tea, which I fuckin loved.
Okay, now back to the present.
I have been wanting to drink that tea since almost a month or two. But because of some circumstances or my laziness I couldn't. Also, since I have been feeling lonely, for a long time now but anyway, I was feeling like sharing my feelings with her more and more lately. So, I kind of promised myself that I would, if she wishes me on this day. And, as of course, we are not even friends or anything, the possibility of that happening was very very thin. Cause, for first thing, she would have to remember my birthday, second she would need to be at least thinking about me, at some little corner of her mind. And, I for one knowing fully well that it wasn't gonna happen, still was counting on it. As for her, I was just a guy she met at the office for a very brief period who asked her to watch some movies and shows, very persistently.
So what happened on the boundary of my birthday and the day before, subconsciously I decided to finally download and watch my movie list and send a snap of the list to everyone. Just because. Cause, I shit you not, I was not considering that I had given her a list to watch too, cause why would I? I just sent it for no reason and nor for any hidden motif.
So, after I woke up in the afternoon, I had received a chat from her on the snapchat. Only thing, it was not about the birthday, it was about the list. The reason, why I am still counting her reply, is because she replied on that day itself. She had never replied to any of my snaps before. We weren't even in touch. She just used to watch my snaps like my posts, but never reply or message me. But for whatever reasons, she replied on that day. So it counts. It's another story that I couldn't yet bring up what I wanted to tell her, cause even though she replied to that, she didn't stick around long enough to develop a conversation. We'll see what happens.
Another thing, since I was depressed about this, I felt like drinking that tea I was talking about. Cause now the basic conditions has been fulfilled for me to finally make that tea at room. So I ordered the tea (bags) online. As per my knowledge I didn't had any sugar in my possession, still I decided to wing it. Cause, I was thinking that might be the tea bag itself would have sugar in it. I don't know, it was my first time. But I knew enough to have my doubts, but still I didn't take any action on it. As I said I just decided to wing it. So by the time I received tea and made it and tasted it, it was too late for me to go get some sugar from a store. So, while drinking that bitter drink I was just trying to go through my possessions in my mind. To see, if there is anything that I can use to fix this little crisis in my mouth. So, on a hunch, I decided to check my refrigerator, and there I found two little pouches of sugar from the coffee order at least a month older.
Just imagine my happiness.
It was a good day.
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Update on the craziness.
This time it's just smiling and laughing.
Okay, so I don't have precise information about the dates and time cause this time it's been kind of regular.
She is getting slowly used to me, I guess. Cause, it's been few weeks now since our eyes keep meeting. And, she gives a smile everytime, without looking away much. She still does gets surprised if she spots me out of the blue. But she does not run away anymore. Good thing that she is holding her ground.
But sad thing is she has not talked a single word to me yet. I am aware of the option that I can talk to her too, but 訳あってできない。
So I am just waiting.
Girls usually make me sick.
I want my girl to be like me. I don't know what you see me as. But I will be clear about what I mean by "like me".
I am not weakling or a wuss. I am not a coward either. But I am sensitive. Both emotionally and physically (5 senses). As in I have sharp and sensitive nose. I wouldn't say I have sharp ears or sharp eyes, but they are pretty sensitive. I think it's because clarity of my mind. I end up noticing unusual things.
I have curious mind. And clear too. My thoughts are independent. Meaning I developed them myself, from scratch. Also they are based on reality and truth. They follow logics of this reality.
I am nature loving. As in I prefer valleys, mountains, streams, forests. And I hate human society.
I want her to be strong and a rebel. I want her to be courageous enough to stand up alone against everything. I know given our society it is way harder for women, but still, I want her to be that strong. I want her to be capable enough to take on anyone both mentally and physically. And despite being capable I want her to be considerate of her opponent. To think and try to understand their point of view. I don't want her to keep playing victim. I want her to accept reality and take it on. I don't want her to get swayed by shallow emotions. I want her to seek deeper meaning and worth. And to see this reality for what it is. And still have a warm heart, which melts for innocence and beauty.
I yearn for storm, I yearn for happenings. I don't find meaning in living for myself. I want to be productive in this world.
I want her to be arrogant, and well deserved to be one. But knowing when and where to use the weapon.
I want her to be alive, like me.
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Update on Crazy Stalker.
She is back, but she is not stalking this time. How do we know this?
Cause, okay, someday last week, the door was unlocked. So, we thought someone else moved in. But my brother did mention that he recognized one of the sandals. But I said it can't be them cause there was no peeking at all this time. And also there was one extra footwear of a man this time. And we continued with our lives.
But, on Saturday, we again planned on going to a movie. This time show was at 11:55 pm. So, late at night, when we got out to go to the theatre, we were descending stairs. At the last floor stairs my brother was ahead of me and he was distracted by some thought or something he did not take notice of who was in front of us at the bottom of the stairs waiting for the side to go up. But I did. What I saw happened only in a matter of seconds. The Girl she had started climbing the stairs before she took notice of us. But when I saw her, she had already looked down, hiding her face and was running down. She went into the side parking of the building and hid there. It was so fucking cute. This girl is behaving like the girls in anime. And I don't know what to do now.
There were some more encounters, but every time, she either hid or ran away. So ironically, I still haven't got to see her face clearly.
Girls usually make me sick.
I want my girl to be like me. I don't know what you see me as. But I will be clear about what I mean by "like me".
I am not weakling or a wuss. I am not a coward either. But I am sensitive. Both emotionally and physically (5 senses). As in I have sharp and sensitive nose. I wouldn't say I have sharp ears or sharp eyes, but they are pretty sensitive. I think it's because clarity of my mind. I end up noticing unusual things.
I have curious mind. And clear too. My thoughts are independent. Meaning I developed them myself, from scratch. Also they are based on reality and truth. They follow logics of this reality.
I am nature loving. As in I prefer valleys, mountains, streams, forests. And I hate human society.
I want her to be strong and a rebel. I want her to be courageous enough to stand up alone against everything. I know given our society it is way harder for women, but still, I want her to be that strong. I want her to be capable enough to take on anyone both mentally and physically. And despite being capable I want her to be considerate of her opponent. To think and try to understand their point of view. I don't want her to keep playing victim. I want her to accept reality and take it on. I don't want her to get swayed by shallow emotions. I want her to seek deeper meaning and worth. And to see this reality for what it is. And still have a warm heart, which melts for innocence and beauty.
I yearn for storm, I yearn for happenings. I don't find meaning in living for myself. I want to be productive in this world.
I want her to be arrogant, and well deserved to be one. But knowing when and where to use the weapon.
I want her to be alive, like me.
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Crazy.
How the world likes to play with us. Fate, destiny, whatever you call it. Whatever that makes things happen which are not in our control. Luck, in short.
Like I keep telling that I am not gonna like any normal girl. I am not gonna fall for ordinary. Not saying that it's not true or anything. It's just true for my sane part. I guess. But that human-animal part, it is out of control; it can't be ruled or be reasoned with. It's just weird, I don't understand why; I don't understand. Even though I know it is not gonna work out. It's not gonna last. I am gonna get over it as soon as the child lets go of the toy after playing with it for a while. And yet here I am, first thing I look at when I open my door or reach on my floor is the lock of that door.
Here's what happened.
So I live with my brother, away from our hometown. And we live on the 4th floor of the non-elevator building.
So anyway, we are fond of hiking and trekking. So on the night of 12th Feb we decided to go trekking on Rohida Fort. But the idiot remembered that he needed to buy cargo shorts before the trek. So anyway, it was not possible to get the shorts he wanted before the next morning. Still, we did place the order. And Amazon said they will deliver it tomorrow by 9 pm. And we thought we would be home by then, anyway. So it was okay.
The next morning, we woke up and went trekking. So in India or in Maharashtra, we do not get a network in mountains. So, I always turn on flight mode to save battery. And turn it on once in a little while to check upon. Anyway, when I turned it on to send pics or snap, I got shit ton of notifications about the order placed last night. Apparently, the delivery guy came early in the morning. As we weren't home, and he tried contacting me, but I could not be reached, he gave our package to the door in front of us. (Don't know why he chose that house; I just have an estimation.) There are 4 flats on each floor. But he chose the one in front of us. All he said to me was that he gave our package to the 2 girls that lived in the flat front of us. We went home in the evening. We did not ask for the package right then, cause we did not want to unnecessarily disturb them. We decided we would pick it up next morning. And went to sleep.
The next morning, which was Monday, my brother had job right in the morning at 7.50 or something. So, he was getting ready. And I was still half a sleep. And someone from the front-flat knocked on the door, so he answered, there was some exchange of one or two sentences. I couldn't hear it clearly as I was still half sleep.
After when I woke up, I caught up. And said to him that he did not even say thank you or sorry to the girl. And the asshole said that he did say thank you, and it was not a girl who delivered the package; it was a man. I was a little confused as I remembered hearing girl's voice, but I thought maybe, I was half sleep that time anyway. I believed him. That chapter ended there for me, at least.
On some day within the last week, I don't exactly remember, but we were coming home from somewhere in the night. When we reached our floor I opened the door and went to the inside rooms directly. (FYI, there is a lot of noise in this process. We are not the quiet types, we come either laughing or chatting everytime, also it is pretty closed place so there is noise of steps too, addition to that our door makes lot of sound everytime we close or open it) When he came inside after locking door, he said that someone from the front door was peeking from behind their slightly opened door. He did say it like he implied something, but I thought, so what? It seems our neighbors are bothered by us. And I ignored him. On the 16th Feb, I was home alone as usual and was a sleep till almost noon, cause I had received sudden day off. Survey people came and knocked on the door. So, until I woke up and opened the door, they had already knocked on all 4 doors, and neighbors were already looking outside in the hallway from their open doors. So when I opened the door, the survey lady put others (front flat) on hold and came to question me. While I answered her I was looking at the girls in front flat (more like i just glanced over one which seemed older of the 2 and kept looking at the younger one, like not clearly and constantly, like staring, no, I was just glancing over her again and again) Younger one seemed to be smiling at me. (Wait wait i forgot to mention, when i opened the door and glanced at them the first time, younger one seemed to be pointing me out to the older one, like in little excited manner.) So I smiled back at her too. And that was it. I answered the survey and closed the door. Surprisingly, I was still not giving this the attention it needed.
Anyway, it was still a pretty weird thing that happened, so I just wanted to tell my brother about it. We had plans to go see Death on Nile at 4.40 pm. So when he came home from work, we were already hurrying cause it was gonna be late. So after when we left home (wait, there is something I missed here. So, when we were outside of the door, we literally heard footsteps approaching as the girl ran towards the door and slightly opened the door to peek. And my brother was like, did you see, I told you right.) I did tell him it on the way. And I mentioned that I think that girl must be crazy as she was the one peeking from the door the other night too. So, he seemed to be agreeing at that time before the movie. During the movie, I mentioned that I can't stop thinking about the crazy girl to him; he said we will talk about it after the movie. (FYI, we drank cocacola during movie and since it was buy one get one offer we bought the biggest.) So after the movie ended, he said he thinks she is not crazy she must be in love with me. And naturally, I asked him to fuck off. Cause I know he likes to make fun of me. And I also said to him there is no way anyone would fall for me just by looking. I said if she is in love, it must be you. Then, he mentioned the actual happenings of the morning he took the package from them. He said that it was the same girl who came to deliver the package. And she was constantly looking behind me inside the house. Implying that she must be looking for me. And that shit right there got me thinking. We finished up dining and came home and went to sleep.
But, I couldn't sleep cause of the fucking caffeine. I have this condition. Basically, even a small dose of caffeinated drinks kills my sleep.
So there I was lying in the midnight, and guess what I was thinking about. I was fucking curious about the girl. It was driving me crazy. What is up with her? Even if she is in love, who does something so insane. My brother's argument was that she is little childish and innocent that is why she is acting like that. But for me, it was just far off possibility. I could not stop thinking about her. Anyway, I fell asleep in the dawn.
Next morning or afternoon, I don't remember when we first saw their house, but it was locked. First, we thought they must be gone outside. Then, it was still locked the next day and the day after. So we were having doubts if they moved or something. But there was still a possibility that they were just visiting their house and would come back when the weekend is over. But it's Monday today, and still, the door is locked.
Between these few days, I don't know why, but I am actually missing my crazy stalker a lot. Like, I don't know what, maybe because of the attention I was getting. Or maybe just the feeling of someone becomes happy by just seeing you. Crazy thing is I can't even remember her face clearly cause that's how much less I have seen of her.
In short, I just lost something which was never mine. Which I did not even ask for. Which I did not care for up until now.
The same thing happened with my job. Basically, I was looking for a job, and LUCKILY, I found a WFH which paid little too much than I cared for. It was not even a job I was searching for. So anyway, I lost it. As there was training period of 3 weeks and I did not clear the training so they discarded me.
Do you see the resemblance between these 2 happenings?
By the way, just to clarify the timeline, I lost my job on Friday night.
I lost 2 things that I did not initially care for within one week.
Girls usually make me sick.
I want my girl to be like me. I don't know what you see me as. But I will be clear about what I mean by "like me".
I am not weakling or a wuss. I am not a coward either. But I am sensitive. Both emotionally and physically (5 senses). As in I have sharp and sensitive nose. I wouldn't say I have sharp ears or sharp eyes, but they are pretty sensitive. I think it's because clarity of my mind. I end up noticing unusual things.
I have curious mind. And clear too. My thoughts are independent. Meaning I developed them myself, from scratch. Also they are based on reality and truth. They follow logics of this reality.
I am nature loving. As in I prefer valleys, mountains, streams, forests. And I hate human society.
I want her to be strong and a rebel. I want her to be courageous enough to stand up alone against everything. I know given our society it is way harder for women, but still, I want her to be that strong. I want her to be capable enough to take on anyone both mentally and physically. And despite being capable I want her to be considerate of her opponent. To think and try to understand their point of view. I don't want her to keep playing victim. I want her to accept reality and take it on. I don't want her to get swayed by shallow emotions. I want her to seek deeper meaning and worth. And to see this reality for what it is. And still have a warm heart, which melts for innocence and beauty.
I yearn for storm, I yearn for happenings. I don't find meaning in living for myself. I want to be productive in this world.
I want her to be arrogant, and well deserved to be one. But knowing when and where to use the weapon.
I want her to be alive, like me.
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First ever Sweet Dream I had.
It was a few days ago. And of course it was about a girl. It was so good that I woke up with grin on my face. I was fucking feeling happiness through my veins. I don't remember most of it as all dreams. But what I remember is the end of it. In the end, I was sitting in seiza, holding 2 cups of tea in my hand. She was trying to take it, but I was not giving it to her. Actually she needed those cups for some reason and I was just trying to get her attention. Because I wanted to say sorry. Say sorry for not replying to her feelings for me sooner. For realizing this so late. And mostly because I had come around when it was convenient for me. For how unbelievably selfish I had been to her. And I don't know how, but actually, I was feeling sorry. Even after the dream.
Then I just pull her towards me, and we both fall down. she is in my embrace, and we are both lying down. I just closed my eyes because there was hot tea all over me. But I don't know why it did not burn at all. And now I am holding her and whispering in her ear. That I am sorry. That I am so so sorry. And she just smiles and accepts it like she knew she knew all along. She was just waiting for me. Then I remind her that time she confessed just to make sure if she still had the same feelings still, she agreed, saying yes. Then I just say I love you too. And tighten my grip around her slowly. That that fucking moment is so deeply engraved in my mind I can never forget. I can still feel her in my arms. Her slim and soft body.
And the best part I liked about her was that she was so cool and badass to the whole world. But she was smitten for me. More than that, she was certain about her love towards me; she did not had any insecurities, any doubt, any hesitation. She was so straight and unwavering. So calm about everything. She was everything that I needed. Like I said, it was like she knew that I would come around.
Girls usually make me sick.
I want my girl to be like me. I don't know what you see me as. But I will be clear about what I mean by "like me".
I am not weakling or a wuss. I am not a coward either. But I am sensitive. Both emotionally and physically (5 senses). As in I have sharp and sensitive nose. I wouldn't say I have sharp ears or sharp eyes, but they are pretty sensitive. I think it's because clarity of my mind. I end up noticing unusual things.
I have curious mind. And clear too. My thoughts are independent. Meaning I developed them myself, from scratch. Also they are based on reality and truth. They follow logics of this reality.
I am nature loving. As in I prefer valleys, mountains, streams, forests. And I hate human society.
I want her to be strong and a rebel. I want her to be courageous enough to stand up alone against everything. I know given our society it is way harder for women, but still, I want her to be that strong. I want her to be capable enough to take on anyone both mentally and physically. And despite being capable I want her to be considerate of her opponent. To think and try to understand their point of view. I don't want her to keep playing victim. I want her to accept reality and take it on. I don't want her to get swayed by shallow emotions. I want her to seek deeper meaning and worth. And to see this reality for what it is. And still have a warm heart, which melts for innocence and beauty.
I yearn for storm, I yearn for happenings. I don't find meaning in living for myself. I want to be productive in this world.
I want her to be arrogant, and well deserved to be one. But knowing when and where to use the weapon.
I want her to be alive, like me.
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Girls usually make me sick.
I want my girl to be like me. I don't know what you see me as. But I will be clear about what I mean by "like me".
I am not weakling or a wuss. I am not a coward either. But I am sensitive. Both emotionally and physically (5 senses). As in I have sharp and sensitive nose. I wouldn't say I have sharp ears or sharp eyes, but they are pretty sensitive. I think it's because clarity of my mind. I end up noticing unusual things.
I have curious mind. And clear too. My thoughts are independent. Meaning I developed them myself, from scratch. Also they are based on reality and truth. They follow logics of this reality.
I am nature loving. As in I prefer valleys, mountains, streams, forests. And I hate human society.
I want her to be strong and a rebel. I want her to be courageous enough to stand up alone against everything. I know given our society it is way harder for women, but still, I want her to be that strong. I want her to be capable enough to take on anyone both mentally and physically. And despite being capable I want her to be considerate of her opponent. To think and try to understand their point of view. I don't want her to keep playing victim. I want her to accept reality and take it on. I don't want her to get swayed by shallow emotions. I want her to seek deeper meaning and worth. And to see this reality for what it is. And still have a warm heart, which melts for innocence and beauty.
I yearn for storm, I yearn for happenings. I don't find meaning in living for myself. I want to be productive in this world.
I want her to be arrogant, and well deserved to be one. But knowing when and where to use the weapon.
I want her to be alive, like me.
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