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madness-curin-sadness · 1 year

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“ MR ROVER “

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madness-curin-sadness · 1 year

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madness-curin-sadness · 1 year

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I hate crying so much.

Six years ago, one of my best friends- her name was Megan. She passed away in a car accident with her mother, due to someone else's reckless driving. A stranger, a 17yr old under the influence. The girl was driving around 11pm at night, speeding, with her brother and friend, high on Marijuana, and she ran a red light. Hitting my friend and her mom in their car, killing them both.

I've been doing fine for the last seven months, not hurting as much or not having nightmares.

Megan❤

I had known Megan since 2010-2017, we went to Middle school and High school together. We graduated in the same class in 2015. We even went to the same college after high school during 2015-2017. We were very close, never judging each other, always kind, and supportive to each other. She was the one who encouraged me to be more confident about my sexuality. I absolutely appreciated her and all the adventures and times we hang out.

Her death was a huge blow to my heart, mind, and confidence.

I had a troubled life. Nearly poor my whole childhood. I grew up with an abusive & homophobic father, and hated my life. So, I moved out, leaving my mom and two siblings and transferred to another college in 2019, living with my oldest sister. To get away from my father and the reality of my friends death.

I went to school, stated busy, worked a lot, I did things by myself, staying independent.

I also had nightmares, insomnia, difficulty forming/keeping relationships. I had trust issues. I was uncomfortable showing my emotions. or displaying intimate actions like saying "I love you". All because of my trauma during my childhood and my trauma from my friends death.

My OCD made it more difficult.

OCD is a disorder that manipulates your mind into thinking and obsessing over things. These thoughts can often be bad. Unwanted intrusive thoughts I do not like or even believe in, but my mind obsesses over them because I know how bad the thoughts are. My mind fears these thought and does things so these bad thought do not happen. They are called Compulsions, acts that ease my intrusive thoughts. The compulsions are not healthy or right to do, neither are the obsessions. Both plague my mind and make my life and anxiety more difficult. I have been trying to not think about intrusive thoughts or act on my compulsions in order to ease my mind, but it is so damn hard to tell your mind not to do something.

Moving on.

I graduated college.

And as of the last eight or night months I have been fine.

My depression and OCD still restrain me, but my process and trying of my mind has been working slowly. I do things for my happiness, and I rid my life of toxic things.

It had been hard, but I eventually accepted my reality and how to get better.

Years later my father is a better man. My youngest sister even has a baby now. I live with my older sister and her boyfriend. I hangout with my younger sister and her boyfriend, it helps me and reasures me. But I am still the same. Kind to others, but worrisome, and fragile. I wonder if I can truly change.

Then like I said three days ago...

> I just had to trigger myself.

I usually try not to interact with anything that might trigger me. Because my OCD and depression will eat me alive.

So three days ago I decided to watch a show. The show involved a characters close friend dying.

It triggered thee hell out of me. I realized I hadn't thought about my friend Megan in a while and I felt bad.

I looked at her social media's which are still up, I looked at the photos of us in the past, and reminisced on the fun times.

I realized how much I missed her. How a friend like her would truly understand me right now, as she had gone through the same type of difficult childhood.

Then I felt guilt again for not being closer to her before she passed away.

This is where the OCD comes into play, I was obsessing and doing compulsions to ease my mind about forgetting about my friend, for feeling gulty, and for feeling heartache. My OCD was acting up because of how I felt in that moment of sorrow. Even though I knew I should not be doing any of that, but I couldn't control my disorder. The fear and need to know got the best of me.

The findings did not work out for me.

I still proceeded to think about my friend and what happened to her and her mom.

Thinking about how it caused me much heartbreak.

Thinking about how it changed me.

Thinking about how my life is now.

How it has been 6 years since she passed away, and it all still affects me.

I wondered if her family ever had a funeral. Because back in 2017, when the car accident happened, the family did not have money for two funeral burials. I also never talked to anyone about her passing away, not my parents or friends. Nor did I have contact with any of her remaining family.

It was the same in 2019, when I moved away and to a bigger city. Nothing about her death ever came to resolution in reality, an in my mind or heart.

So three days ago, while I was watching that show...

I looked up the 17yr old girl and her case file, (the girl who accidentally caused my friend and her mother their death).

The girl had been in Juvie and Prison for some time after the accident. She was then trialed as an adult for driving under the influence and the vehicle manslaughter of two people, (my friend and her mother).

I did more research to discover what happened.

I had wanted to know for some time, but I couldn't do it, I couldn't face it.

Now, in 2023, years later, I had the courage to do so. Even if it wasn't what was best for me..

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I found out...

In 2020, the girl had been trialed as an adult in court.

She was found Not-Guilty for the vehicle manslaughter of my friend and her mother.

But she was guilty for driving while intoxicated by marijuana.

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So the girl may have been out of prison for the last 2yrs perhaps, I don't know.

The girl assumingly had to have parole, with AAA classes.

Or possibly she's still doing time. But there is no more record of her cass, nor has it been updated since 2020. So I believe the unfortunate news is true, she was released from prison..

-

The news has done its damage on me.

I am a mess, again but worse than before.

I am forcing myself not to think about it, it will take some time.

There's nothing I can do, but to accept it all, think about it, and cry.

...

#greiving #ocd #depression #social anxiety #anxiety #losing a friend #death #sorrow #finding happiness

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madness-curin-sadness · 1 year

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