marisa-poet-lu-makil

[marisa-poet-lu-makil]

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2022

Take My Hands and Let Them Be (pt. 3 of Concrete)

I couldn't find the love I wanted

So I looked for it in other things

Forgot promises I'd made

To myself as a child

That I swore I'd never break

Now they lay shattered at my feet

Like glass by the train tracks

And I went on

Kept on keeping on

Hoping that the current pleasure

Would be sweeter than the everlasting

If only for a moment

But when it passed my lips

It turned bitter

Like sour milk

Instead of sweet honey,

I tasted only ashes

But still I would not be dissuaded

I continued

Seeking things that would only destroy me

Because the destruction felt so much like the love I craved

And if I could not get a grasp

Of what I thought I wanted

Maybe I wanted something else

But I don't.

I don't want it anymore

I don't want it anymore

Also found on my profile on HelloPoetry.

#mortal #broken #love #unloved #lockedaway #hurt #poetry #takemyhands #marisalumakil #headhearthands #anymore #depression #lost #findme

[marisa-poet-lu-makil]

Did you know that your interests are really cool?? The stuff that you find fascinating and the little facts you know aren’t lame. They’re what make you passionate and that’s a really cool thing

[marisa-poet-lu-makil]

"I don't think I want to die or kill myself, I just want to disappear until I feel okay again"

[marisa-poet-lu-makil]

When is it my turn to be happy?

[marisa-poet-lu-makil]

It's okay if you aren't doing well. It's okay that you're sad and broken and in pain, and it's okay that you can't fix it alone. It's okay that right now you feel like tearing yourself apart, and letting the blood run down your wrists simply to feel something that isn't weakness. And it's okay that you feel like life in its horror is hitting you wave after wave...after wave. It's okay. It's okay. But don't let it win. Stand against it with every power inside you, just...don't let it win.

[marisa-poet-lu-makil]

"I opened up my Bible, memorized the book of John. You washed your hands in holy water swearing all your son's were gone. If there's a cure for being pure again I can't find it anywhere, I don't want to hate you, heaven says I need to forgive you but I ain't no saint"

Lauren Jenkins

[marisa-poet-lu-makil]

I wish for once everything would be okay.

[marisa-poet-lu-makil]

I don't know who needs to hear this, but they were never going to change. You did the right thing.

[marisa-poet-lu-makil]

Suffer

I wish I could record for you

The noise inside my head

The screaming and the voices

Of the words I've never said

But when my finger hits record,

The red dot starts to flash

And all I hear is silence

When I try to play it back

Marisa Lu Makil

I struggle with tinnitus, and a lot of the time, I dont even notice it is there. It is only when I think I finally get some blessed silence that I realize how loud it really is. It is high-pitched and low-pitched at the same time. It's like a constant ringing in my ears, I don't know how else to describe it but this: I don't remember the last time it was silent in my head. I don't know quiet anymore.

[marisa-poet-lu-makil]

All I ever wanted was for you to be the best friend I always thought you were. I just wanted you to tell me what you did today and ask me what I did.

[marisa-poet-lu-makil]

People always say that we never ask for help, but I'm asking, begging, praying for help in the only way I know how. You just aren't listening.

[marisa-poet-lu-makil]

"Whenever my mom asks me if I'm okay I just say I'm tired because I don't have the heart to tell the woman who gave me life that I don't want it anymore."

-Some Instagram page

[marisa-poet-lu-makil]

It's fuckin story time, friends

So first thing you need to know, is that I am socially awkward. Like on a major scale. I am in my twenties and I don't have many friends to speak of, and to make it worse, I moved recently several hours away from anyone I know to live with my bff (Hannah). The second thing is that I am a VERY sarcastic person. It does nothing for my social skills. 😂

So Hannah has a boyfriend named Jay, and she thought it would be fun for her, me, Jay, and his friend (Shawn, who I had never met before) to go to a movie together. So Hannah and I were pulling up to the theater, and Jay and Shawn had gotten there first, so we passed them in the car while they were on the sidewalk. Hannah yelled out the window "Hey, hottie" at Jay, who in turn waved and blew a kiss because they're adorable. As a joke, I thought it would be funny to pretend to be offended that no one had called me or Shawn hot, so when Hannah and I met them on the sidewalk, I patted Shawn on the back and said "Don't worry, I'll be the ugly one with you" and I don't know if he just didn't get it or if he'd forgotten what Hannah said, but he was legit offended, and there was a horrible moment where everyone kind of realized what I said, and it was the worst moment of my life. So we had to sit through a movie together, then awkwardly say goodbye at the end, and that's why I don't try to make friends anymore.

[marisa-poet-lu-makil]

I need this reminder right now.

The Hurt and the Healing

I know it hurts

I know that every day it hurts

And that you want it to end

I know that the burden on your heart is

Welling up in your chest

Threatening to explode

I know that

Sometimes you think

About what it would be like

To just slip away

And out of this life

But I promise you

I swear

On everything

Good

In this world

It will get better

You will heal

One day

Things will get better

One day you won’t feel

Like there is

A knife

In your back

Panic won’t swell from your throat

It will be

Good

Someday

You just have to decide

To get through

One

Day

Just one

And then

One more

And before you know it

You will be

In bed

Next to the love

Of your life

The sun

Will rise

On a beautiful day

With peace on the breeze

And you will be better

You will get better

You will be happy

[marisa-poet-lu-makil]

I'm not beautiful. Not in the slightest; I'm chubby, my face is too round, my skin is pale and blotchy. I don't have many friends, I have a lot of illnesses (mental and physical), but I promise you, I could make you so happy. I will do little things for you that I know you like, I'll make you breakfast, I could hold you on bad days, and celebrate with you on good ones, I would build you up, and I would NEVER stop loving you. If I gave you my heart fully, you would never lose it. Not for a second. But no one will look past the way I look in order to find any of that out.

[marisa-poet-lu-makil]

True Love Never Dies

Here I am again. For some reason, every time I think it will be different; she will see my pain, or I will tell her how I feel, or leave because I'm tired of the way things are, but it never happens. It always ALWAYS ends in me sitting alone in the dark, eyes red from tears, chest sore from sobbing, and I am alone. No earthly person to comfort me, no sweet warmth that I keep waiting for.

No, I always wait for her despite how she makes me feel, and I think that is what love is. It is loving someone despite your better judgement, despite how much you want to hate them. It is always waiting no matter how many times they stab you in the back. Real, lasting love is realizing that you don't have a choice anymore. You can want to hate them more than anything, but in the end, you will never turn them away when they come back-if they come back.

It seems like she always waits until the last minute, just before I've almost convinced myself that she's not coming back this time, she says one word, and I will do anything she wants. They say that love is handing someone a knife and trusting them not to stab you with it, but I disagree. Love is handing someone a knife and standing there while they stab you again and again...and again... Love is picking up the knife when they drop it and giving it back, knowing that they will do the same thing again.

Someday I will work up the courage to say this all to her face, but right now all I can do is worry if she's warm enough, or if she is coming home tonight...damnit, I want to hate her so much, but something in me won't give. So I will continue to sit here, melting from the pain building up in my chest, and wait for her to turn the lock and come inside where I will patch her up again.

[marisa-poet-lu-makil]

SO FRICKIN TRUE!!!! ME TO A T!

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