mildew-spirits

[mildew-spirits]

WE WERE IN 2 CULTS WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DO I DO WITH THAT INFORMATION. WHAT THE HELL

#did system #hc did #ramcoa #tw programming #did osdd #polyfrag system #polyfragmented #tw tbmc #vent #vent post

[mildew-spirits]

This is entirely different from our normal posts. Came to the realization that we're hard of hearing. I don't know if we count because we haven't been able to officially get it checked out? Our whole life we were told that it was our ADHD and we had always suspected auditory processing disorder which we may have but it seems like it's more than that. We've never had volume control, we're either too loud or too quiet (usually too loud) we were always told this. We also have always had issues pronouncing r's and s's. Our speech has been getting worse as we've noticed not being able to hear people clearly got worse too. Phone calls are a nightmare. We call our bff a lot but it sounds so muffled and we just have to nod and act like we understand it's so frustrating. We also block things out. For example, if we are doing something while watching a video we will forget the video is on and what it was talking about in the first place. We do this often. It's so frusterating everyone blamed this on our ADHD but it doesn't feel like it. We also get ear infections A LOT and yet this is all still blamed on ADHD. I want to learn about the community but I'm scared our issues will get shut down like they have in the past by those around us.

#hard of hearing #auditory processing disorder #hearing loss #rant post #disability

[mildew-spirits]

Yeah okay buddy you're being blocked

Sorry for being inactive a lot of memories have been resurfacing. The more I remember the more it feels like it was "too traumatic to possibly be real". It feels too messed up to of actually happened when we have confirmed pretty much everything with another survivor from our cult.

[mildew-spirits]

Do you realize how dumb you sound...?

Sorry for being inactive a lot of memories have been resurfacing. The more I remember the more it feels like it was "too traumatic to possibly be real". It feels too messed up to of actually happened when we have confirmed pretty much everything with another survivor from our cult.

[mildew-spirits]

And how exactly would you know that? And its not satanic panic-

Sorry for being inactive a lot of memories have been resurfacing. The more I remember the more it feels like it was "too traumatic to possibly be real". It feels too messed up to of actually happened when we have confirmed pretty much everything with another survivor from our cult.

[mildew-spirits]

I was...? I'm confused- I was saying my memories felt too traumatic because my brain is trying to process the fact that they are real-. Maybe something got miscommunicated? Also- maybe don't make that assumption of someone with no prior knowlege to them please and tha k you

Sorry for being inactive a lot of memories have been resurfacing. The more I remember the more it feels like it was "too traumatic to possibly be real". It feels too messed up to of actually happened when we have confirmed pretty much everything with another survivor from our cult.

[mildew-spirits]

Sorry for being inactive a lot of memories have been resurfacing. The more I remember the more it feels like it was "too traumatic to possibly be real". It feels too messed up to of actually happened when we have confirmed pretty much everything with another survivor from our cult.

#did system #hc did #ramcoa #tw programming #did osdd #polyfrag system #polyfragmented #tw tbmc #vent #vent post #tw dbmc

[mildew-spirits]

I want it to be not real. I want it to I want it to I want it to. The facts are there. How could someone even do that to a kid? We were rented out like a fucking hotel room. And was forced to worship a man who thought he could play god. How could our parents let this happen? Why did they let this happen? We were supposed to be protected. I hate these memories I hate these memories but I think I hate myself even more for remembering what I wasn't supposed to remember. Why did this happen? We were 4. 4 when it started.

#did system #hc did #ramcoa #tw programming #did osdd #polyfrag system #polyfragmented #tw tbmc #vent #vent post #tw dbmc

[mildew-spirits]

I hate when the dots connect. FUCK WHY ARE THE DOTS CONNECTING WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE CRAZY, NOT PROVEN RIGHT.

#did system #hc did #ramcoa #tw programming #did osdd #polyfrag system #polyfragmented #tw tbmc #vent #vent post #tw csa #dbmc

[mildew-spirits]

Survivor Survivor Survivor. A term we keep hearing especially since getting confirmation that we were apart of a cult. Cult survivor, trafficking survivor, trauma survior. It's so weird. I hate it. It doesn't sound right or feel right. I could've died. We still don't remember everything but there were times we should've died. We made it out we survived. We're a survivor and hearing that makes me think on the gravity of that word. It's not "oh it was tough" it was "oh I could've died". We could've died. I don't know if we'll ever be able to accept that. It's such a weird concept. Hearing that word terrifies me beyond belief. It wasn't just a bad day or bad childhood. It was survival. It was life or death.

#did system #hc did #ramcoa #tw programming #did osdd #polyfrag system #polyfragmented #vent #tw tbmc #tw csa

[mildew-spirits]

We would pretend to be strippers with our friend and then grade it. HOW DID WE THINK THAT WAS A NORMAL KID THING??? WE WERE LIKE KINDER AND 1ST GRADE STRIPPING ON THE PLAYGROUND AND THEN GRADING EACH OTHER ON IT. I knew we were a messed up kid but HOW DID WE THINK THIS WAS NORMAL???

#did system #hc did #ramcoa #did osdd #polyfrag system #tw programming #polyfragmented #child trafficking

[mildew-spirits]

Mfw when there's a whole ass nother sidesystem with people named after aquatic animals because that was a right of passage in your cult and I'm apart of that sidesystem

#shush im coping #did system #hc did #ramcoa #tw programming #did osdd #polyfrag system #polyfragmented

[mildew-spirits]

We're remembering a bit more details but they're very fuzzy and vague. There's- something about the leaders daughter- we- knew her? I dont even remember what she looks like I don't even know but I just remember "the leaders daughter" what do I even do? I just want to talk with someone and try to find other survivors I feel like I need to I feel like I have to and it's killing me

#did system #hc did #ramcoa #tw programming #did osdd #polyfrag system #polyfragmented #tw tbmc

[mildew-spirits]

I can't do this anymoreeee. I want to find other survivors I really do. Some people are on the fence about it, but I know we want to. I don't even know how I'd go about that in any way shape or form considering we aren't in contact with anyone who lived there anymore. And we live in an entirely different state. I did find out that there possibly is a program tied to The London Bridge nursery rhyme. The moment we heard it we kept replaying it and have had it stuck repeating in our head as well as feeling dissociated and dizzy. So thats... great I love being the one to discover things. I still don't know how we'd go about finding other survivors who were in that group/ring. I want to try. But I have 0 clue where I'd even start.

#did system #hc did #ramcoa #tw programming #did osdd #polyfrag system #polyfragmented #tw tbmc

[mildew-spirits]

What do you mean have nearly every other person having a subsystem isn't normal? What do you mean having fictives and braindmade folks being divided into sections specific to them and not really being able to interact outside of that because our brain (...and higher ups) see it as wrong isn't normal? What do you mean having alters in the other system be codependent and unable to function without a person or people while having the other system all be distant and fewer relationships isn't normal? What do you mean having manual "resets" after trauma isn't normal? URGH I wish this was talked about more and not kept hidden like it should never EVER be talked about. Everytime we heard ramcoa it was spoken about like it's too horrible and delicate to mention. Like it's some horrible term no one should ever dare speak about. I wonder where we'd be if we had people actually talk about it and not skate around the topic. I wonder where we'd be if there could be an actual conversation had on what it means instead of being "the term that shall not be named"

#did system #hc did #ramcoa #tw programming #did osdd #polyfrag system #polyfragmented #tw tbmc

[mildew-spirits]

Y'know, there were a lot of signs that we had ramcoa trauma and just never even thought to put the pieces together because "how could this possibly happen to us?" One I especially keep thinking of is our introjects and fictives. I know that alone doesn't mean anything, but I'm talking about their source memories. We would get introjects with very hyper-specific source memories that never happened in their source and kinda makes us wonder where it came from. The brain hyper-focused on those traumatic memories and it seemed like it was the main focus of that person. It was either non canon source memories or something specific from their source that we would cling to. A lot of those memories have similar aspects as well. Involving kidnapping, torture (this ESPECIALLY), losing someone (also this A LOT), and just death in general (like if they died or almost did or something of that nature) (also sexual). We felt like shit over it for the longest time. We felt like we were horrible people for romanticising something so fucking horrible when it wasn't even in our control but rather a coping mechanism for what we faced. The times we attempted to bring this up to someone we trusted we were judged and it made us spiral even more into thinking we were the shittiest person alive for being this way and are evil. We're not evil we're traumatized.

— 🧨

#did system #hc did #ramcoa #tw programming #did osdd #polyfrag system #polyfragmented #tw tbmc

[mildew-spirits]

TW: PROGRAMMING

Door-slamming. I already knew it was one of my triggers and that got extra confirmed today when we accidentally slammed a door. I got triggered to front and now I feel like- high? I can't think right, I'm dizzy and I have no clue what's going on. I hate this.

#did system #hc did #ramcoa #tw programming #did osdd #polyfrag system #polyfragmented #tw tbmc #vent post