Artemis: I spoke to No.1 and have ascertained that for his birthday he would like....
Holly: Like....?
Artemis: Uh,
Holly: Did you just say uh?
Artemis: Soft sweets? Sweet pillows?
Holly: What are you babbling on about?
Artemis: Very well, I give up. Is there a Gnomish word for âmarshmallowâ?
Holly: Ah, I see. Some modern words just donât appear in the Book, do they? We do, in fact have a word for marshmallow, itâs pronounced âmarshmallowâ
Artemis: Bamby-Bill?
Holly: No. âMarshmallowâ. With the -psh sound -
Artemis: Pshamby-pshbill
Holly: No, like a high pitched click, hold your tongue up
Artemis: Pickphsamby-psybill...
Holly: Youâre never going to get it right.
Artemis: I will, I just need to practice....Gnomish is not so easy when your voice has broken.
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Ghost of Ancient Elf: Behold, I am San DâKlass, the third Frond king of the fairy folk, come to visit the living realm on this cold cruel Christmas night! And who might you be, young one? No, wait! Donât tell me! Itâll come to me. Yes, I know your kin, and your kith, too! Â
Butler: .....  ......................... If you donât leave my room now, I will shoot, ghost or not.
San DâKlass: A Butler! Ho, what troublemakers! Scoundrels, the whole rotten lot of you! But my favourite clan of humans! Ho, how are you my boy? Does Valient Virgil still live?Â
Butler: I am well,thank you, in much better health than Valient Virgil who died nearly a thousand years ago of dysentery. Now back off, elf. You do not not have permission to be in my room.
San DâKlass: I am king...and a ghost...that means I can go wherever I like.
Butler: Artemis! What have you done now?!Â
San DâKlass: No need to blame the boy. Iâm here to merely offer you glad tidings...and a job...yes, thatâs what I came to do. Butler, I tire of kicking around the afterlife listening to Elvis whine all the day long while the human race falls further into despair. Our people used to be friends until we were divided by dark forces. Join me tonight and by the power of gift giving we will reunite our people in peace in love! What say you?
Butler: I say, what do you need me for? Choose an elf to help you.
San DâKlass: I require the protection of the mightest warrior available for there are fairies out there who would thwart my efforts. You are that warrior, Butler. Will you join me in my noble quest?
Butler: They called you San the Deluded for a reason.
San DâKlass: And they call your young master an insane genius. Well, Butler? I know youâre allowed to take lucrative side jobs as a perk. Are you really going to turn down such an adventure with Frondâs best king? It may be dangerous, it may be mere folly, but if we succeed itâll all be worth it.
Butler:....
00000
Butler to Artemis: And thatâs how my spend my Christmas Eves.
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I keep thinking about what an amazing show Ghosts is.
It somehow manages to go from being very silly to very touching without missing a beat.
And I think exploring the concept of ghosts being âvery ordinary and very humanâ extremely clever for a sitcom.
Like the fact they can sleep and seem to require sleep, each with their own room, just adds to the domestic bliss feel of it.
And I really like that Mike was allowed to accept their existence from episode 1. The show wouldâve have had a very different feel if it was about Alison trying to hide the ghosts from him, or trying to prove them to him and he just doesnât believe it.
Instead, Mike is one of my favourite characters. Heâs very hard working and very supportive. Whenever Alison says âcan you do this? Itâs a ghost thing.â he drops everything to help them. e.g. the first Christmas special. Heâs trying to make the perfect Christmas, but when Lady B wants a bigger tree he goes out in the dark to chop one down.
I could go on.
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Artemis; Some days Iâm just not sure that life is worth all the stress. In my short life so far, what I have achieved? Too much, thatâs what. I took over the family business, restored our fortune, exploited the fairy race, saved the fairy race, de-criminalized the family business, stole ice cream from the fairy race, saved my father, my mother, my turtle, shook up the art world, gave CPR to a dying horse in a thunderstorm, knocked out five best selling romance novels under the pseudonym Florence Periwinkle Battenburg, stole magic, gave up magic, time travelled here, there and everywhere, had my first manic episode, and then my second and seventh, recovered, died, survived, became a big brother, learnt how to drive heavy goods vehicles, and finished a masters degree in chocolate architecture....And Iâm only fifteen.
No.1: Maybe itâs time you took a nap?
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Completely Normal - One
Dr Poe: Class, please welcome your new fellow student...uh....Normal Smith...
No.1 in disguise: Yeah, thatâs my name. Thatâs me. Iâm Normal. Completely Normal. Get it? I just made a pun.
Artemis groans.
Poe: Something to say, Artemis?
Artemis: No, sir, Iâm a fan of pun as much as the next man. I myself am in possession of a name that-
Poe: Yes, weâre all aware, Artemis Fowl. Normal, go sit yourself at the desk next to Artemis. Heâs the dark haired chatty one. Donât let him distract you.
Artemis: Yes, I do like to talk, Normal. I like to ask the obvious questions, such as what are you doing here and isnât there another place of education youâd rather attend? A university buried deep under ground for example and run by farting dwarfs.
Poe: Artemis!
Normal: Ha, ha, youâre funny. But letâs say that IÂ did come from a university buried deep underground and run by farting dwarfs....Iâd probably want to come up for air occasionally. And maybe meet the surface locals. Perhaps to get know them a little. You know, to broaden my understanding of this beautiful chaotic world. But secretly. Please.
Artemis: Fine. I still donât understand whyâd you want to choose this school.
Normal: Because youâre here and youâre one of my closest friends...Ha! Your face! Iâve disarmed you with my charm. Thereâs no objection you can raise -
Artemis: Sir, Normal is not clearly not human. Heâs in fact a demon warlock -
Normal: Hey!
Poe: Alright, thatâs enough, the both of you. I didnât know that you knew one another. I take it from all this talk about dwarfs and warlocks that you play one of those online role playing games. D&D?
Artemis: Something like that.
Poe: Hmm, well good for you. But that reminds me, we must discuss online safety this week.Â
Normal: (I understand what you just did. Thank you.)
Poe: You never know what strangers you might meet online.
Artemis: Or what weirdos you might bump into in real life.Â
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Angelina: Itâs nice of you to drop by, Holly.
Holly: I was on my way back from completing the ritual. And someone has to keep a close eye on you, humans. You always go mad - well, madder - this time of year. Itâs all those holidays you have squashed together. Halloween, Christmas, New Yearâs...
Artemis: You missed out Diwali. Speaking of, I made samosas in Food Tech. Iâm quite proud of them.Try one?
Holly: Ha ha - oh, youâre serious.....Oh,oh, would you believe it? An emergency call! A cat wandered into a shuttle port. I must fly immediately. See ya!
Artemis: Iâll have you know that I earned a C + and five credits for those samosas!...sheâs gone....Mother, would you -
Angelina: Is my phone ringing? Yes, I think it is. I better go and answer it.
Artemis:...Alone again....
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Artemis being the worst student
1.) Dr Poe: Yes, I know that itâs 3.30 on a Friday afternoon, but that bell is for me and not for you. You have to wait -
Oliver: Sir, Artemis has already left the classroom.
2.) Dr Poe: You earned a hundred percent on your maths exam, Artemis, which means youâve earned this certificate.. Make sure it goes in your Record of Achievement.
Artemis: I can barely contain my ecstasy, sir.
 3.) Headteacher: Remember, we want our school to look as impressive as possible; we want our visitors to leave completely amazed and - yes, Artemis?
Artemis: Will we get paid to stay later and work?
HT: No, because youâre not -
Artemis: Or compensated or rewarded in anyway?
HT: Youâll be rewarded by taking pride in your -
Artemis: Iâm leaving.
4.) During break Artemis is reading the Financial Times on his phone when Oliver and Patrick arrive, leading a donkey by a halter. Artemis stares at them.
Oliver: I know you think that because Iâm a prefect I should be beyond approach, but I promise you that I can explain -
Artemis: Whatever.
5.) Oliver: I like being a prefect. Wouldnât you want to be one?
Artemis: No, I can think of many other things Iâd rather be.
Oliver: Like what?
Artemis. Dead. Or literally anything else.
Oliver: I love your sass.
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[A little snapshot of Angelina]
Angelina: Whatâs going on? Tell me!
Trouble: Mrs Fowl, under the circumstances -
Angelina: Under the circumstances I think you should shut up! Holly, there is a giant glowing fire ball monster destroying my house - and Artemis is playing violin to it. What is going on?!
Holly: Right...well, the monster is sort of Domnu....at least, Domnuâs hunger and rage....you know Domnu? Jealous, trickster sister of Dana, mother of all creation?....Anyway, Artemis is playing to feed it some emotion, while we think of a better plan.
Angelina: But itâs killing him! And have you heard him play? he was always too busy looking after me to practice...You fairies wait outside!
Holly: No, Angelina, come back!Â
Trouble: Sheâs right - we need to back off, weâre distracting it and him. Come on!
000
Domnu growled deeply, the whole house shook. She was sucking the life out of Artemis.
Artemis: Arenât you full yet?....Very well....You know, it doesnât matter how much of my energy you take....Iâm not going to give in....At least, not for another minute anyway....
Behind him, Angelina starts playing her violin, and stands by his side.
Angelina: Posture, Artemis, I taught you better than that, didnât I? A terrifying energy sucking monster is no excuse.
Artemis smiles: Sorry....
Angelina: Follow my lead, weâre going to play something a little more...passionate...
0000
Foaly: Wow, did you know the mud woman could play like that? I mean, given that this was the crazy attic lady who spent her days talking to a scarecrow version of her dead husband...Sheâs come a long way.
Holly: Yeah...not so fragile anymore...I guess this what happens when a human plays out their emotions...
000
Artemis sat exhausted on the floor, the strings on his violin frayed and snapped. He was watching in awe as Angelina danced around, playing her violin at high speed. Domnu was absorbing her energy, but she wasnât slowing down.
Even Domnu had stopped growling.
Artemis: Foaly, I hope youâre recording this...Iâm coming to join you, I have a better plan...Mother,mom, play on.
[I like coming up with random scenes, but can never really think of the fic to surround it. Anyway, I liked the idea of Angelina being strong again and showing it through playing the violin. Ji-Hae Park was my inspiration, she uses her depression to fuel her passionate playing.]
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Bubbly Girl: Hey, youâre kinda cute. Can I get your number?
Artemis: Iâd rather drink sewage water.
Butler sighs.
Holly: You were right, Butler, he is an asshole with the ladies. You couldâve let her down gently.
Artemis: I would prefer to spend the time working out how to save the world. However, if you believe that the feelings of a girl with a limited intellect is more important than the planet, then by all means, go after her and waste time apologizing on my behalf....Are you coming or not?
Butler: On our way, o sweet master.Â
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Foaly: Itâs Caballineâs *ahem* extra, extra special birthday next full moon, so polish your hooves, guys, youâre all invited to her party. Even you, Fowl. And do try to smarten yourself up for once. Everyoneâs sick of you looking like the inside of a dwarfâs boot.
Artemis: I promise to do my best. Just for you Foal. Are presents expected?
Foaly: Obviously. Thatâs the reason weâre throwing a party. We want pressies!
Artemis: Ah, shame on me for thinking that humans were the materialistic and greedy ones. Itâs not as though youâve never lectured me on the subject...maybe just once, twice, a million times over....
Foaly: It is a special birthday.
Artemis: But, what will I get her? Unlike you, she has good taste; and Iâm afraid my planet saving work has distracted me from keeping up with the whimsical and fleeting fashions of Centaur interior design.
Foaly: You might consider replacing the hand woven rug you destroyed seventeen years ago.
Artemis: What? Iâd never destroy anything of Cabal-
Holly: No, you did. I was there. And sheâs never quite forgiven you.Â
Artemis: So, I wouldâve been fifteen....No, I donât recall...
Foaly: Iâm not surprised you donât! It was after one of your therapy sessions with Argon. The old croak had dosed you up to the eyeballs on tranquilizers and anti-depressants. Anyway, your shuttle home was delayed and so, out of the kindness of my giant Centaur hearts, I invited you back to my humble stable, rather then let you shake in the shuttle port... Â
You took two steps over the threshold, fell asleep on the aforementioned rug. And just as my beautiful, innocent wife was attempting to give you a pillow to make you more comfortable, you threw up - everywhere! Over the blanket, the pillow, over her freshly filed hooves....I swear, you even hit the ceiling...and, of course, all over -
Artemis and Foaly: the rug...
Artemis:.....I donât believe you....I think youâre attempting to exhort me.
Foaly: Search your heart, boy, you know it to be true,
Artemis: I have vague memories of a smell....And that was when I was taken back to the hospital....?
Holly: Yup. Whoâd a thought that giving a mud boy fairy based meds wouldnât have an ill effect? On the bright side, you did seem a lot better for it.
Artemis: Very well, I will replace the rug. But I do feel ashamed.
Foaly: Cheer up, Arts, back at the hospital you performed an encore all over Argon. It was the funniest thing Iâd seen in a long time.
I even took photos! I will dig them for the party!
Holly: Just want Caballine will want. A party decorated with photos of Artemis Fowl blowing his chunks all over a gnome doctor with a dodgy hip.
Artemis: Like I said, she has good taste.
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I think one of the reasons I preferred the Artemis Fowl series over Harry Potter (although I enjoyed HP too!) was that the AF books never gave me a feeling of angst in the same way the HP books did.
There are some very emotional moments in the AF books - such as when Artemis believed for a moment that his father had somehow returned from the dead, but it was only his mother in a fit of delusion - and some dark details which are often overlooked - such as Foaly being the creator of the Blue Rinse, the most deadly weapon, or Hollyâs father seemingly being in favour of humans being wiped out -Â but it was all balanced out by the protagonists determination, optimism, and good humor.
And it helped that Artemis always had family and friends around him, and a safe and cosy home to return to. There were sad times and world destroying crises to overcome, but none of it felt crushing or devastating in the way that HP devastated me.Â
I remember it being said that child protagonists are often orphans - like HP - or adopted - like many of Roald Dahlâs creations - because it frees them up from the constraints of family to go on adventures.
Yet for Artemis, family is the reason he had adventures.Â
If his father had not been held to ransom he would not have discovered the fairies.Â
Around half way through the series Artemis reflects that he will now have to be extra careful about his criminal activities with 2 parents at home, but again there is no real constraint. Being rich, a genius, and having Butler to enable him offsets the parental constraints and allows him to continue while also have the blessing of parents at home.Â
And later when his mother knows of the fairies it still does not hold him back. Instead Angelina casually asks how Holly is doing and even though she wants him at home more, it doesnât quite feel like a strict demand.
I do wish we could have seen the consequences of Fowl Senior also remembering the fairies. He always came across as the adventuring type, so I think he would have been ok with it, especially as he once wrestled a dwarf.
Although, Iâve only read Book 1 of the Fowl Twins series, again it seems like a family affair. Artemis knows, the twins know, Iâm assuming Angelina knows?
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Foaly: Right, letâs see what I have here....Nettle korma for Holly, Iâm having the carrot bhajis, and for you, Mud Man, a hedgerow curry. Eat up and be thankful.
Artemis: Thank you....oh, wait, no, sorry, but I canât eat this.
Foaly: Oh, so our foodâs not good enough for you now? Whatâs wrong with it, mâlord? Let me guess, itâs the wrong the colour, or it wasnât prepared by a cordon blea chef.
Artemis: No, the colour and preparation look adequate. But it has foxglove roots in it, which are poisonous to humans. May I decline, or would you rather I consume it and vomit all over the table for the sake of diplomacy? Ask me nicely and Iâll try and pass out neatly in the corner.Â
Foaly:.....Would you care for a carrot bhaji?
#humanproblems
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As the troll charged towards them, Artemisâs face was a mixture of apprehension and terror, an expression that might have once be worn by Katherine Parr upon hearing Henry 8 pop the question, âWill you marry me, dove?âÂ
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Sherlock Holmes is probably my favourite character heâs so unnecessarily dramatic and whimsical and he loves all these specific subjects like the different types of mud in London and wants to share it with people even if they think heâs strange and he did like music and knew every detail about horror books and he tried to retire and live in the countryside so he could study bees but he needed to be part of the action and heâs very sarcastic to people but at the same time is so kind to Watson and is in one of the best relationships (platonic or not) with a man written from that time and he was upset when Watson moved out so he tried to visit him even though that was difficult for him and would always invite Watson out on his cases so he felt included and he appreciated it when he met smart people like Irene Adler and recognised when he was bested and he made mistakes sometimes but he never pretended that he was better than he was and I think he deserves a lot more appreciation than just being a genius.Â
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Angelina: Death is inevitable. Thatâs why in my opinion itâs so important to supply loved ones with interesting stories that they can share at the funeral. One would hate to be the cause of a dull eulogy.Â
Holly: That is a thought.
Angelina: Which is why Iâve taken to waking the boys up early every morning with trombone practice. One day theyâll thank me.
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No.1: Back in the ancient days, humans used to possess magic and would live to about 500 years. Now, they have no magic and rarely make it to a 100 years. But I donât think theyâve ever really forgotten how long they used to live, at least not deep down. They still remember in their bones. I think thatâs why humanity is always after something: theyâre not greedy, theyâre just longing for what they used to have, but canât remember. They know that they never have enough time.
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