mister-snake

[mister-snake]

Dammit, I would've done everything for you.

Not anymore.

[mister-snake]

Tes excuses à deux balles, j'en veux pas. Tu n'es pas désolé de tes actes, t'es juste désolé que je ne les ai pas tolérés.

[mister-snake]

my sleep schedule isn't even a schedule anymore it's a freestyle

[mister-snake]

[mister-snake]

My biggest insecurities 💕✨

My shaky hands

My lack of jawline

Looking younger than my age

My scars that won't go away

My voice

[mister-snake]

Je suis incapable de supporter plus d'une semaine de servage, comment est-ce que j'ai fait pour tenir 6 mois sans une goutte d'alcool quand j'étais plus jeune?? Et sans me défoncer pour compenser qui plus est?!

On m'a répété que le premier mois était le plus difficile, qu'après, les symptômes étaient gérables, mais les gens ne comprennent pas que c'est pas juste la dépendance physique ni même psychologique. C'est un mode de coping, et si tu dépends de l'alcool pour gérer tes émotions et t'automédicamenter depuis une dizaine d'années, c'est pas un petit mois qui va tout régler comme par magie!

L'alcool sera toujours là pour apaiser toutes les émotions qui me submergent. C'est une habitude, un besoin profond, irrépressible et systématique. C'est aussi ce qui a rendu ma relation avec mon partenaire d'alcoolisme si intime.

J'ai peur de ne pas être capable de gérer les émotions négatives, les ruminations, l'anxiété, la dépression, toutes ces difficultés. J'ai peur de me sentir étouffé et que ça laisse place à mon impulsivité qui était si prédominante quand j'étais jeune. J'ai peur de perdre le contrôle, de perdre mes repères, de perdre mon réconfort. J'ai peur de craquer et de tout gâcher, et alors que tous mes efforts de sevrage n'aient servi qu'à renforcer ma dépendance. J'ai peur de perdre une amitié précieuse avec mon partenaire. J'ai peur de ne plus être capable de m'ouvrir à quelqu'un comme je le fais si facilement sous l'effet de l'alcool. J'ai peur que toutes ma détresse reste coincée en moi, que je ne sois plus capable de me confier à qui que ce soit, que je devienne trop self-conscious, trop anxieux, d'avoir trop peur d'être trop. J'ai peur de devoir vivre avec un alcoolique sans pouvoir moi-même céder à la tentation.

Alors l'idée stupide que c'est une simple dépendance dont le sevrage peut être facilement réglé grâce à une désintox, de l'antabuse ou je ne sais quoi, c'est de la grosse bullshit.

[mister-snake]

I'm broken to the core.

[mister-snake]

T’étais pas là lorsque j’avais besoin de toi et maintenant c’est trop tard. T’en es tu même aperçu?

[mister-snake]

The most basic self-care shouldn't be so damn hard to maintain.

Like why is it so hard for me to just idk..

Drink water instead of coffee/vodka

Take meds

Take a simple shower

Do basic skincare

Not self-harm

Not eat unhealthy snacks

Workout long-term

Spend enough time with loved ones

Do fun things for myself

Sleep more than 4h

At this point, my whole life feels unhealthy, it's depressing.

[mister-snake]

I admire her in a way because she's so effortlessly and unapologetically

💕⛓️✨herself✨🖕🏻💕 ..yk?

But don't tell her I said that. She's still a bitch.

[mister-snake]

Hi, this is a random shit post, don't waste your time with it

So I've been feeling suicidal

It's not like I'm gonna do it or anything

But talking about it makes me cringe

It's like I can't picture a way to seek help that doesn't make me feel miserable

I think I'm scared to get the "victim" role

And I'm scared not to be taken seriously

I don't want to get attention

This is not a cry for help

I just don't particularly enjoy getting those intrusive suicidal thoughts

I mean I'm sure nobody would

But I just don't know how to make them go away

It's like my first reflex always is to get drunk

When I feel like this, I just go "Time for a drink!" and then I don't have to think anymore

It's like I'm just tossing things out my head for a little while

Also I didn't drink for a whole 5 days

Not by choice, but still, it's something

Can't help but to think it might be related

Maybe I am a coward

Maybe I need to escape and that's why the feelings got worse

Or maybe it's everything else that happened

I don't know anymore

I'm tired because by now I would've expected to be hurting less

Back then I was like "In a year, I'll feel better, I just have to go through it, keep myself busy, keep breathing at the very least"

And here I am and none of it did fade away

In fact, it just got worse

I'm just like

Can I really do it all over again

Pretend I'll feel better within a year

And for what, to feel worse than before, just like now?

I'm just tired

I'm not all impulsively suicidal or anything

Just numb

But in control

Control feels sickening nowadays

I know I wouldn't but I kinda miss the lack of control I used to have

It was not intentional, but at least I could let go, let it out

At least there was something to let out

I used to be so full of anger, but also will

Like I had something to fight for

Did I have something to fight for

I think I did, I had things to lose

And I mean I still have things to lose

But if I already lost myself, do I even have those things as mine anymore?

Or is it just

A facade, the ruins of memories based on who I used to be

I think I'd rather not find out

But it's already killing me anyway, because I feel like I know the answer

Maybe that's why it's so bad

Or fuck, maybe I am just overthinking everything

But overthinking means it's real to me, so is there really a difference

Fuck I just want to wake up and feel okay

Wake up and feel like getting up

Wake up without feeling like everything is pointless and I'm a burden

Wake up and feel fucking alive

Without hero, without happy pills, without somebody

Just be happy for the bare minimum, for being alive

I don't know how to make myself feel better

I don't know if I can even feel better

But the anxiety that it's creating is so real and overwhelming

And it's eating me up more every day

Maybe I am, losing it

What if I am, what then

It's gonna get worse

And I'll keep it up

And because I'm keeping it up, nobody will see it, nobody will care

I'm not okay with that, it's not what I want

But how can I do otherwise

I am not going to kill myself or try to just to get a break from reality

That's what dumb teens do

No offense to all dumb teens out there

I've been one once, not going there again

But what choices are left for me

It just feels like there's no way out

Anyway I should sleep

Maybe tomorrow morning it'll be all gone

Probably not

But maybe is still better then never

I'll take maybes for now

Goodnight

[mister-snake]

Mon toxic trait, c'est d'être encore en vie.

[mister-snake]

Hi,

I'm overwhelmed.

[mister-snake]

Douce et amère grâce de la désillusion, emporte avec toi mes derniers espoirs de rémission.

[mister-snake]

Ugly mouth

Talk for yourself lmao xd

[mister-snake]

With him, it was just easier. Everything was just.. softer, because I knew that no matter what, once the day was over, I could be held in his arms, feel his heartbeats and the calm in his voice, close my eyes and be told it was okay, I was okay, we were okay. Now when I get back home, the only comfort I can find is in my bottles.

#Alex #breakup #alcohol #addiction

[mister-snake]

Hating myself meant to stop believing in myself, stop trying, while also feeling guilty for the core of those beliefs.

As if, by believing I didn't deserve love, I rejected any love I recieved as invalid, felt even more worthless because nobody was left, and then blamed myself for being not enough.

I am my own worst enemy, but knowing it doesn't mean I can control it any better. Because the thing about self-hatred, it's that it doesn't forgive nor soften with time.

Self-hatred feeds off self-destruction, which feeds off self-hatred. As long as there's something left to break, there's something left to hate about myself.

Until there's nothing left of me but broken bones and flesh.

#self hatred #self destruction