moonlitanxieties

[moonlitanxieties]

How dare the local dealers not have ozempic.

[moonlitanxieties]

✨The Relapse✨

And I’m back.

3 years of binge eating

3 years of looking in the mirror; coming to terms with what I see

And sometimes even love her.

Wasn’t all amazing but a majority of it was…

3 years of celibacy

Because even though I was gentle with myself and found love in myself

The idea of a man seeing…this…naked?

Terrifying.Humiliating. Disgusting.

I’m not ready.

3 years and I’m still not whole.

It’s time.

[moonlitanxieties]

✨Thoughts✨

I hate how I’m happy and content alone.

Like I’m not lonely or sad at alllll alone

Yet everyone I give my energy to in public says I need to go out more

SHUT UPPPP W H A T???

I live my life the way I want to! When I was interaction I talk to you and when I don’t I stay in and read and do whatever the hell else I want

Stop trying to make me feel like shit because I don’t crave what you do omg

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I wish I had something to listen to while I’m eating that would make me feel like shit and not want to finish my food at this point tbh

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I want my jawline back

I want to feel my collarbones

I want to know what it feels like to feel my hip bones.

This time is truly different..I’m not panicked. I’m not crying. I’m not losing my shit.

I know what I want and I’m going after it.

I go through my days always with that hungry ache in my stomach. I eat once everyyyy like three days and even then I purge most of it.

It’s a calm control. Because I’m done. I can’t do this anymore I can’t BE this anymore.

The flashes of all the things said about my body. My dad shoving vegetables in my face saying to eat it and having to laugh it off while his fiancé looks sad for me behind him. The thought of how I can’t remember a single time my mother or father have ever said I was beautiful. But how my boyfriends did till we broke up then I’m a mistake I’m the ‘can’t believe I was with that’ girl.

I can’t.

I’m killing that girl.

[moonlitanxieties]

Just finished watching a movie..and this woman’s body was just…beautiful…

It hurts knowing no matter how hard I try no matter how long I starve

My body will never be that beautiful

Because I already ruined my body… my skin will never be flawlessly

My breasts will never be perky

I will never be beautiful

[moonlitanxieties]

I think I’ve reached a point where I can’t muster up the strength to care about what I eat anymore. Like I used to panic every time I ate something then immediately be like welp might as well make this binge count then I’d go crazy they cry. Or see food and have an internal war if I should eat it or not

But now I can see food and have it offered and just be like …eh no thanks and that’s the last time I think about it.

Yesterday I ate two bags of popcorn and had three bites of ramen and usually I’d freak out but I..just didn’t. I just got on the scale and I still lost weight too?

It feels like a gift to be this calm about food, and to not feel like I’m going for 0 to 100

[moonlitanxieties]

Uhhm..

So I was chewing on some gum and singing to myself in my dorm lobby while working on something and my friend walked in and said ‘what are you eating?’

And I full on glared at her and gave her attitude and said ‘what?’

Like wow you had the audacity to say I was EATING?! The heck do you think you ar-

Then I realized that was a completely normal question from a completely innocent place and I got all wide eyed and I jumped on her and begged for forgiveness for the amount of sass I unleashed on her sparkling soul

The end

#anarexja #low cal ana #anarecia #anti purge #ana #anamia #eating disoder things #thin thoughts #calories #ana fast #not pro ana #not pr0 just for me

[moonlitanxieties]

Or if you are feeling sad and you don’t even want to talk about what’s going on just say ‘be random please’ and I’ll just start rambling

Rambling is my ✨specialty✨

You’ll be SO confused and amused you’ll forget to be anxious or sad🥰😂

Reblog if its ok to message you during this holiday season incase Im feeling lonely or out of place during family events because no one should be alone on Christmas

[moonlitanxieties]

I found out almost two nights ago that a friend of mine died…

She was extremely over weight… but she was so sweet and hopeful for the future.

She was complaining about her lungs and minutes later she was gone from this earth.

Idk if I’m being triggered by grief or what but I can’t stand to eat..I really can’t do it rn. Ppl were always up my ass saying be careful with not eating you could kill your self

Well wtf dude being over weight can kill you too but at least starving is my preferred choice

…ugh my head is all over the place

[moonlitanxieties]

Omgomgfjdkgjf

Okay so…I only wear leggings, cuz they just suck everything in and there’s no jiggling. Love it. Jeans can go fuck themselves ���. But hey that’s just my personal opinion.

But sometimes I’ll go online and see something cute and be like I have to freaking buy that. So 4 months ago I bought black ripped shorts. And idek why I thought that was a good idea cuz I hate showing my skin cuz it makes me feel uglier…(idky and I can’t explain that. It’s just a ‘If you know you know’ type of situation)

But anyways I got them tried them on and they were tight and I felt really… fat and depressed. I tried them on once and only in my room and then they were discarded at the bottom of my closet. I found them today and put them on just because and they are really loose…? And I sat there really confused and trying to talk myself down from being excited because yeah these are loose but none of my other pants are sooo, then it hit me that I only wear leggings so ofc they still fit me. Anyways um yeah idk, I think tomorrow I’m going to go to the store in these shorts with a huge shirt on though for a layer of comfort and see how I feel😂

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[moonlitanxieties]

[moonlitanxieties]

Woke up.

One thought.

It’s crazy that horses are wild animals… like somewhere rn i bet a man is taking his coffee to his back porch and randomly sees a horse nomming on his lawn…

Now I can’t fall back to sleep because I really can’t process that rn….

[moonlitanxieties]

So I haven’t eaten in five days… today I had a stack of saltines and peanut butter…wasn’t planning to eat today either but immediately after I had a panic attack…all that I kept hearing in my head was my own voice screaming at me saying you binged why the fuck did you do that. And other things but I’d rather not speak on how humiliating my mind can be on me sometimes. I feel soooo warn out. I feel so ugly and DISGUSTING that my heart just a c h e s…I just want someone to hold me right now. Just be there and hold me and let me cry till I fall asleep.

All this over freaking saltines and peanut butter ugh.

[moonlitanxieties]

Wensday is still my biggest enemy.