my-reverie

[my-reverie]

Struggles.

I struggle with my SO's line of work. It has him constantly working Monday through Friday nonstop (let's just say roughly 80 hour work weeks). Because my job is a 9-5, I can't begin to understand how that feels. His priority is moving up the corporate ladder.

A better life for him, a better life for us, and the goal of letting us retire early. Goal is 55. That'd be quite nice, not gonna lie. But are the sacrifices worth it? Isn't it better to live in the now? Is it worth sacrificing the time we have for a better future that we aren't even guaranteed.

The weekends are great though because he does help around the house. He does focus on us on the weekend.

The thing about his line of work, I KNOW he's working. He's constantly heads down. No time for play, no time to even focus on himself. It is work work work. It'd be different if he worked normal hours and did his own thing, completely neglecting our relationship. That's not the case. I love him for the sacrifices he makes.

I can handle it most days. Just writing out my thoughts after struggling with it last night.

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With that being said... there are days where it's nice to be alone. I'm an introvert and homebody. You always think the grass is greener on the other side. And most times, distance makes the heart grow fonder.

Pros and cons. Pros... and cons.

[my-reverie]

I came out to my parents about 10 years ago.

Two years ago I had a panic at the airport after visiting my parents because I was ready to implode. I never felt comfortable being home - I didn't feel welcomed to open up about my life as a gay man in an immigrant family. It was really bad. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't control my tears, and I was shaking, literally sitting in a chair right after security. It was the worst I've ever felt.

One year ago when I came to visit, I opened up about it to my mom. I told her that I didn't feel like I could speak openly or honestly about my life and that I had a panic attack. It was the most honest I had been with them in a LONG time. Something must've clicked.

During my phones calls, they actually ask about how WE are doing. How things are going with the house. Things like that.

I've been in Houston this week. And my parents use his name. My parents will repeat certain things to each other without prompting about the two of us.

It's taken almost 10 years. And while I've been dating him for almost 7 years, they still haven't met him yet.

But with patience, I can see big steps being made. Finally. It has NOT been an easy road. It's been tough. Over the last 10 years, I've cried many, many times. I've cried to my partner many times. I've cried to myself, and though I'm no longer religious, I've also prayed many times.

There's still a long road ahead, but change CAN happen. And for the first time in a very long time, I can also genuinely say, it DOES get better.

#mental health #journaling #it gets better #gay life

[my-reverie]

I'm pretty sure I'm burnt out. Not from my current job, but design in general.

I've been doing some form of design since high school. I'm now 34. Let's just use 2005 as the starting benchmark. But teeeechnically earlier than that because I also did some design with Xanga, LiveJournal, winamp skins, etc... But 2004-05 is when I joined the high school newspaper staff and started learning how to do the layout and sponsored ads. Yay InDesign and Photoshop. Senior year is when I did it all myself.

If we use 2005 as the base, then that's 17 years of design. I just... don't know if it brings me joy anymore.

But I don't know anything else.

#design #mental health #journaling

[my-reverie]

It's amazing how much a raise can impact mental health or mood about one's job, haha. While I love the company I work for, and my love for the company has only improved since starting, sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'm in the right field of work.

As a product designer, there are days I feel major imposter syndrome, and other days where I am confident that I'm good at what I do. At the end of the day, it's more like, I don't know if this is what I want to continue doing until I retire?

Regardless, the trajectory of my salary has really helped and the company I work for really puts an emphasis on people being PEOPLE, and not just another employee. They care about their employee's mental health and have put mandates in place that people take advantage of their PTO.

Honestly, at the end of the day, it's great that my manager really pushes for us to take care of ourselves.

I'm not complaining, I swear. I'm just thinking out loud today.

#mental health #career #personal #product design

[my-reverie]

I kinda quit Tumblr for YEARS, but I’m back. And this time it’s specifically for one reason, to document my mental health.

I sometimes wonder if there’s a chance I’m bipolar. There have been times over the years that I feel like I’m in a “funk” (since at least high school - I’m 33 now). It wasn’t until recently that I’ve correlated this funk to being depressed or feeling hopeless on any given day.

My boyfriend pushed me to take notes on what could cause these funks or what is happening while I experience these funks. Are there any common denominators? I don’t know. That’s what I want to figure out because I never thought to do this before. I do think I might be a little bipolar. While I’m not exactly trying to nail that down, I do want to see if there’s any common denominator, like mentioned above on these feelings I get from time to time.

My boyfriend wants me to see if it is related to my drinking habits. Who knows, but it’s happened both during the week and on weekends. We’ll find out, won’t we? The reason he says drinking habits is because (and I know this) I tend to binge drink in social settings, to the point where I black out more often than I’d like to admit. Though to that point, my body is weird. Sometimes I feel like I can drink a lot and feel perfectly fine. Other times, I drink less than that and I don’t remember points of the night.

The last time I was in a funk was early December. We were on a cabin trip and there was a LOT of drinking with friends. These friends.. we love them, but I feel a little removed from them. I say that only because I see them post IG stories often of them together, but my boyfriend and I aren’t invited for most of it. We are however invited to the yearly cabin trips. These cabin trips have excessive drinking, basically from the start of the day (think brunch mimosas and beer pong) to when people go to sleep. I don’t day drink often, but the day before we left, I felt this hopelessness. Depressive episode, wondering to myself why I feel this way.

#mental health #bipolar #journaling