notjustfirstnames

[notjustfirstnames]

黑蝴蝶

You are the black butterfly of the night that has lost its moonlight shine. Yet you continue to emit this vibrant glow that is so comfortable and undiminishing in its own skin. It became apparent that you ~are~ the moonlight, not so piercing as the sun’s rays yet willful, dynamic, and enduring. 

It was a moment so longed for all these years, though with a mix of so much uncertainty and delight and anxiety. But the moment your soulful existence transformed into my vision my heart stood still. You were the perfect replication of your doppelgänger in my imaginations. 

I can only describe the occasional silent awkwardness as a product of our intense familiarity toward each other, while at the same time exhibiting all the same strangeness that would normally be present among those who meet for the first time. Yet still, everything was so calm, all at once. 

There were so many things left unsaid, so many conversational starting points left unattended--the boundaries of relationships with which we were willing to share a little; the many little tales within tales of our own adventures and views of the world and of the beauty that is life. There were no words to describe how or why my last relationship fell apart, and no words to tell you how Turkey was a beautiful and now-painless reminder of the part of me I had abandoned when I climbed out of that hell of a dark place during those months, and still it reminded me that the journey itself was so rewarding and fulfilling and fueled my desire to continue embarking on such sails to see the world. It felt as though we were already on a journey together, somewhere far from where our physical entities stood, somewhere distant yet still so close to home. 

And through all this we were content. We understood. We glided through the roads of time as if it were something natural we had always done, together. 

From strangers to online buddies, sharing and creating music and conversation and communicating souls; you were now truly, my friend--more than ever, though it was not any less true before. You are a perfect imperfection in its truest sense and in all ways imaginable. And maybe someday in the ever-expanding dimensions of spacetime our souls will find its way to their right place and continue to journey on as comrades in the other dimension.

Until next time...

#黑蝴蝶 #女 #还活着 #finally #met #6.12.2017 #personal #writing

[notjustfirstnames]

JYH

Remember when ‘best friends’ were a thing? To most people it’s more like an award given to someone different every other year. I never believed in the idea of a best friend, yet ironically I did have one in my childhood. That one best friend my entire life. And with all the spiraling events and still with all the available technology in the world, that one best friend of mine is nowhere to be found, with the exception of a single public photo on a private educational page I happened to more-than-stumble upon after I ventured on the most ill-guided, misdirected search. 

We were more than best friends. We were rivals, always competing to be the better learner; we were adventurers, unafraid of the instability of the bridges or of the roaring waters below; we were leaders, always at the top of the class and striving to keep our companions focused and united. And that one photo we poured all our little pocket money on was all the proof we have of our shared ambitions and livelihood--all the proof we needed to sustain our friendship across the vast stretches of time, of space, and of our very own memories. 

More importantly we were kids. And it is this that makes our friendship last forever in the very moments that we lived them, together. 

#jyh #best #friends #childhood #writing #personal

[notjustfirstnames]

HSB

You were the light in my heart ever since our eyes met for the first time. No matter the public opinion, no matter my inner battles you’d always stood by me. No super special treatment, of course. You were there when I was at my worst, without consciousness nor reason, nor pride. You were there at my happiest moments, when I realized there truly is no other like you. You were there when I’d already broken into so many pieces and you still picked me up and held me together. And there you still are and will be, somewhere in the far distance across the globe, ready to reach out and be responsive and attentive with genuine regard and curiosity.

Our promise to stay forever young will stand. Let’s travel far together, till the end of time and of the world as we know it. 

You are the brightest light in my heart and will forever hold your place here.

#何思贝 #personal #writing

[notjustfirstnames]

Dad

Dad isn’t a First Name. Hell, it isn’t a name at all. Yet it’s the first name you call as a kid when you need protection. It’s the first name you call out to and expect him to be your shield. It’s the first name you think of when you think about riding high up into the sky when you knew you were too short to even climb onto a chair on your own. 

For me dad was the person I hid myself from. He was the one I always knew on the other side of the phone, and the voice that always sent my favorite Ferrero Rocher every few months from the other side of the planet, before I could even remember his face. Dad was the one I ran away from when he came back to visit us. And growing up he was the one I pushed away even when I knew he wasn’t the cause for all our pain and misery. 

Dad was the one we blamed for the dysfunctional reality we lived in; still he was the one we rescued from his own inner devils--everyone has them. 

He is the one who shaped a huge part of my life and who I am. And there’s no changing that. 

[notjustfirstnames]

Victor

Not knowing a word of the language wasn’t what kept me from moving forward. I knew very well what the other little fifth graders wanted and what they couldn’t understand at the time. What I could never get right was what he reminded me of every time I made a mistake that left me disheartened and ashamed. 

He was like that part of me I could never grasp onto because it’s exactly what I lack. The little part of what could’ve made me almost perfect. 

Without it I strayed too far from who and what I should be. So far I lost myself, somewhere along the way. And I don’t even know which way I’d turned or from where I’d come. 

[notjustfirstnames]

Shirley

When I think of her I can’t count the number of times I felt stuck. Stuck in a brick container of uneven air-conditioned space juggling with ease my million ways to feed truth into lies I must present. Lies that are necessary for me to survive in this cubicle. 

I can say I am fond of her, especially considering where she’s from and how little the way she speaks resembles the stereotype of what it represents. 

In many ways she is a mentor and a model of who I could have become if I followed what she accomplishes without fail day to day, at least in her field of work. Sometimes she feels more like a friend, but a friend I could not be close to for it would take away what I had too long been working toward. 

Nonetheless she is a friend, and I had not been more certain of that than I was just today.