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I gave it a shot.

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SUPERNATURAL 1x17 Hell House

- Truce? - Yeah truce. At least for the next 100 miles.

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Never mind! this show still fucks

#supernatural #ummmm demon dean is delicious #DELICIOUS #god damn the way he threatens Sam #wanting to rip his throat out with his teeth I mean my god is there a more intimate way to murder someone #he certainly doesn’t lust after anyone else’s flesh when he murders them #staring at him hungrily saying what I’m going to do to you #the height of romance tbh #Sam’s jealousy and pain that Dean is with Crowley #his unfailing belief in Dean turning to fear #Sam as the little brother is allowed reject Dean and be a brat but he never means it #when he told Dean they’re not brothers any more and then proceeded to be more unhinged and devoted to him than ever before #like he can only be that way because he knows Dean will always always want him and protect him it’s his right as the youngest #why isn’t he injecting Dean with his own blood? too incestuous? #or does Sam still have a little demon blood in there and it wouldn’t work?

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the way supernatural treats food is soooooooo crazy because they establish that sam and dean grew up in poverty and they had such little access to food that dean would have to shoplift bread and go without meals for himself so he could feed sam. but then as the show goes on they make more and more jokes about how much dean relies on food for comfort and can never feel full enough, and how sam stringently follows diets and exercise regiments as a form of control. but it's funny you see because dean likes pie and sam likes rabbit food. it's funny

#we’re all laughing because of how well we understand the funny joke

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thinking about how absolutely wild it is that Sam and Dean grew up with the clear understanding of having the love of their lives right there with them since always. like people usually form their understanding of love and attraction and devotion through parents or people around them or through the media they consume, and they fantasize about what their potential “the one” might one day be/look like, but Sam and Dean? have always had it?? like? there were no doubts in their heads that the boy they grew up with, their BROTHER, was the one. Wild.

no because this is It. like this is why they are the way they are. you have inadvertently triggered an analysis.

so first of all: what you’re talking about is actually often the root of incestuous relationships.

this is what has happened to sam and dean. why believe that you will find someone better suited to intimacy with you than the person who has literally known you your entire life? there is no painful, awkward testing of the waters, or struggling to share yourself with someone new, and wondering if what you learn about them in exchange is something you’ll love. there’s no danger there in the unknown. there is no uphill climb to intimacy, and there is no feeling that you’ve put on a facade for someone else in the hopes they’ll take the bait, and then you can slowly reveal parts of yourself as time goes on.

(cont beneath the cut)

it’s all right there. for sam and dean, being with one another is as easy as being with themselves, if not easier. it’s an absolutely bastardization of how humans are meant to seek social connection and intimacy. we are meant to have those awkward beginnings, and we are meant to foster new relationships by learning vulnerability and by earning intimacy and trust. that is healthy and normal. it’s also very hard, and sam and dean have circumvented it by finding everything they could want or need in each other instead.

it’s why their other relationships fail. it can’t compare. they have fallen into something very hard to get out of, because it is comfortable, intoxicating, and overwhelming. the sheer power of loving someone that way, loving a person who is essentially an extension of one self, cannot compare to the apparent triviality of trying to connect with some Other person.

it’s so fucked up. like it’s so fucked. from a psychological/therapeutic perspective, it’s a goddamn tragedy and is genuinely pathological.

from the literary/fictional perspective, it’s breathtaking and so compelling.

they cannot lose each other because of this very dynamic. sam losing dean or dean losing sam isn’t just losing a partner, or losing a loved one. it is losing the self. their lives are inextricably combined. every memory, every formative impulse and feeling, every value and dream was achieved either together or in the presence of one another. it can’t compute to lose that, to lose an entire being fundamental to your entire self-image and self-narrative. 

ironically, it is those same things that make their bond and love so powerful. that drive we all possess to survive and thrive, that innate instinctual need to keep going and to protect ourselves, is doubled in sam and dean because it extends to one another. and not only that but it has always been there. sam and dean have been loving each other their whole fucking lives, they have quite literally had a lifetime to build and deepen that bond. it’s unreal.

i cannot imagine loving someone that way, and i’m thankful for that. it’s insidious.

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guys hear me out because this won't leave my mind.

imagine john going to pastor jim and telling him about sammy right after mary dies. imagine pastor jim telling him he would raise sam in the church so he'd be safe.

pastor jim raising sammy as a religious, catholic boy who sometimes helps with exorcisms. when he turns sixteen he begins to study to become a priest himself.

now imagine john, hunting the yellow eyed demon, ends up dying.

dean reads john's journal and tracks sam down (he has a distant memory of having a little brother but john convinced him it was an imaginary friend). when he finds him, sam is already a priest.

pastor jim recognizes dean and tries to talk him out of it, but dean is pissed, he wants to know this boy and understand why the hell john spared him of the same life he had and how is he connected to the thing that killed his father (and his mother, as he read on the journal).

when the two of them meet, sam feels a sickening connection. the more dean gets to know him, the more he thinks sam is the most pure and holy being in existence and understands why john has been protecting him all these years.

meanwhile sam, who has been struggling with how different he's felt all his life and how he never seems to get himself completely clean of whatever this is no matter how much he prays, senses that this feeling is slowly tipping over the edge ever since he met dean.

the closer he gets to this dean guy, his brother, the more it feels like his body is made of mistakes and sin and he needs to ask for forgiveness but he doesn't know how because he can't even name what this is, he just knows it's not okay, it's not how he's supposed to feel, not about anyone and specially not about his damn brother, so he just prays to be forgiven for everything, his life and mind and body are nothing but guilt and he prays for this hunger to leave his body before it takes over him.

(dean struggles with his own feelings because he's obviously supposed to hate this guy because mom and dad died because of him and what if john knew the very person he tried to protect all his life is the same person dean is growing more and more hungry for and how he wishes to have his hands all over his brother's, the priest's body and to corrupt him until he's the only god he knows)

#normally I hate raised apart fics but THIS #this is #this is good #so so good

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richard siken, “a primer for the small weird loves” (2005) // supernatural, “wendigo” (2005)

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2.12 Night Shifter

-Although Dean is impersonating an FBI officer when the jewelry counter girl asks him what it’s like, his answer is a truthful description of his life: “it’s dangerous, and the secrets we gotta keep…but mostly it’s lonely.” This wouldn’t be anything wincest except that he looks guiltily over at Sam twice while getting her number. The theme of loneliness between them and the brothers’ yearning for closeness from each other has come up several times this season, most obviously from Sam needing Dean to open up to him. But Dean is feeling it too. Sam was hanging off of him drunk last episode and Dean walked away from him so it makes sense that he’s trying to get someone else in his bed, and clearly thinking about Sam while he does it.

-Sam lies to Ronald. In the past he’s been the one who wants to tell civs the truth, while Dean lies. Dean’s instincts appear to be right here, and Sam’s sour impression with Ronald becomes an obstacle moving forward in this episode. It serves to highlight that Sam is still just not as experienced at this. They’re both really good with people and have high interpersonal intelligence, just in different ways.

-Dean feels “naked” without weapons. He’s been living in fear since he was four so that makes sense but it’s so bleak.

-Dean takes control of the situation with Ronald and Sam looks scared for him, then miserable when he’s locked in the vault and separated from Dean.

One of the bank employees asks “who is that man?” and Sam says “he’s my brother” as if that answers her question even a little bit. She wistfully says he’s brave and Sam looks even more miserable. He’s so sick of women fawning over his brother.

-a second scene of this woman fawning over Dean at Sam! I could watch this all day. Sam becomes increasingly perturbed with each passing moment. Listening to someone wax on about the person you’re secretly and wretchedly in love with but can’t have is terrible but especially when it’s someone who doesn’t even know them. He looks like he’s holding back on an emotion. Sam could just be irritated by the way Dean is overshadowing him, but I would expect him to respond by rolling his eyes or looking irritated rather than conflicted and sad.

Sam looks up to Dean. He doesn’t admit it until later on in the series, but Dean is his hero. His hero and guardian and brother and the only one who can kill him.

-Sam bumps his shoulder against Dean’s on his way out of the bank vault. He didn’t need to do that, there was space. People like to accidentally touch their crushes. And right in front of the fawning woman, like a cat rubbing its cheeks against its human’s legs to mark him.

-Sam points out that Dean is wanted by the police and is visibly upset. I love that Sam is the one panicking about this. Dean is too but he’s trying to be brave and save face for Sam.

-oh this is where they walk up to each other like they’re going to kiss. They’re making eye contact as they get really close and Sam kind of half circles Dean, looking into his eyes. It has the same vibes as the scene from Silver Linings Playbook where the love interest is teaching the main character a dance and instructs him on how to walk to her like he’s in love with her. You can see Dean moving his lips telling Sam he knows who the shifter is, but no sound, making this moment feel even more private

-the way Hendrickson says “there’s a monster in the bank” and then it cuts to Sam gives me chills

-Hendrickson mentioning that Sam is “the bonnie to your Clyde” makes Dean smirk. Sam is his wife. “That part’s true”. They could’ve said the butch cassidy to your Sundance or something but they went with a romantic couple and had Dean smile like aw yeah, that’s us, like he’s still so happy to have his baby back with him on the road.

-“they’re dangerous, smart, and expertly trained” god they really ARE. This show really earns their reputation.

-Dean is mid-action bringing a knife down on what he thinks is the shifter when Sam says in a near-whisper “Dean waitwaitwait”and Dean pauses to look over his shoulder. He’ll do anything Sam says. Sam’s gentle protest is more important than killing the shifter.

-Sam fights the swat team duo and wins. They escape and drive away knowing that they’re fucked and being hunted by the FBI. Their ascension from petty criminals to most wanted outlaws is so good because they are dangerous and fucked up and doomed and yet they’re together. I also love that Sam solved Dean’s problem by getting the uniforms and gear off of the two SWAT guys. He’s protective of Dean.

#samdean #wincest #supernatural #spn 2x12 #supernatural meta #sam and dean

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time to celebrate some Wincest Wednesday

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They don’t work as a team any more they don’t read each others minds they don’t know each other so well that when they’re together it feels like they’re one organism in two bodies. Dean’s dumb jokes don’t make Sam chortle, Sam doesn’t use his puppy eyes to manipulate Dean and they don’t sneak shy little looks at each other when the other isn’t looking

As I watch farther into the later seasons of supernatural the early seasons become harder to watch because I know what we lose. I don’t want to get to the end I don’t want Dean to die I don’t like the bright colors I miss blue grime filter

#I keep wondering if there was another way to do it or if these characters just couldn’t keep their vulnerability after everything

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i'm sorry i keep getting stuck on the fact that people legitimately think that sam and dean did not share a heaven in 5x16.

let's review some items established during the episode (mostly via ash and cas):

during this episode (and most of the show) heaven is someone reliving their greatest hits aka memories.

souls in heaven were not moving beyond their own heaven except for ash himself, and he was able to because he found a "practical use for string theory."

ash comes and finds the brothers in their heaven while they are being hunted by zachariah, and uses a sigil to open a door back to his own heaven. he also eventually collects pamela from her's and then sends them off on a path to the garden through another sigiled door.

everyone has their own personal heaven*, except for "special cases," who share. *this is beared out by depictions of heaven in future episodes.

taking a moment to suppose that sam and dean were in separate heavens, and applying what we learned from ash, there seems to be no way for dean to have wandered out of his heaven and into sam's. dean doesn't have the knowledge or power to do this. all he did was follow the road in his heaven (as cas instructed him to), and it eventually lead him to sam. cas didn't say, do this and then this and then you will find sam's heaven. he said, just follow the road. plus, once they find the road, both of them move onto each memory. they don’t have to find each other again.

ergo, sam and dean both died and went to a shared place - winchesterland, as ash put it. he had the opportunity to call it by separate names - samland and deanland, like he did ashland, but he phrased it in a collective kind of way. plus there's this:

Sam: And you said this was your Heaven? Ash: Yup, my own personal. Sam: And when the angels jumped us, we were-- Ash: In your Heaven.

sam uses a collective we, as the brothers so often do. when ash replies, it seems he is also talking about the two of them, in one heaven. sam follows it up by saying, ok so there are two heavens, one for him and dean, one for ash, again indicating they were a unit.

now we talk about the reason for sharing; we learn about the billions of heavens, and ash's travels and his figuring out that for the most part, people have their "own private idaho." it can be assumed however that ash has run into at least one pair of soulmates while exploring, to have figured out how it all works.

this is because during his explanations, he mentions that a few people share heavens. when pressed by dean, ash specifies that an example of special cases are soulmates.

as an aside: we have two pieces of information on this scene , one being the aired episode, the other being the script.

in the episode, ash tells the brothers about soulmates, pauses, looks at sam and moves on. sam and dean blink a little as if startled but otherwise do not speak or look at each other.

in the script, ash tells them casually about soulmates, then breaks eye contact with the brothers, (ash politely looks away) while they react. the beat in the script specifies that dean and sam have an awkward moment as they glance at each other and take in this information. why? because they know they were sharing, their souls were together on the same stretch of road, and so they take a moment to consider the next logical step:

a + b = c

a. sam and dean were sharing a heaven b. special cases aka soulmates share heaven c. sam and dean are at least a special case, which is to say, probably soulmates.

the script (available on the spn wiki for this episode) is not 100% accurate in terms of the dialogue, since some things changed during filming, but it does show the beats and writer’s original plan. based on things that have been said by the writers and producers regarding this ep, it seems the slight adjustments in the final product were to allow the soulmates reveal to be more subtle. but the script makes it pretty clear that the intent was for sam and dean to be considered a special case/soulmates

all in all, ash seems like he's had this conversation or a similar version of it with the brothers before. he references their many deaths only to be reminded they do not remember them. he seems to know he will find sam and dean together if they are both dead. he treats this casually, this is not gross or weird information, it is just a fact of death for the brothers.

so having addressed the shared heaven argument. the last piece of the puzzle that people seem to glom onto is the idea that sam and dean can't be soulmates, because of sam's memories. his memories were:

when he was 11 and went to a real thanksgiving at someone else's house (likely a girl he had a crush on, or who had a crush on him).

the time he ran away in flagstaff and kept bones the dog for 2 weeks.

the night he left for stanford.

dean's memories were:

he and sam celebrating 4th of july in 1996

dean comforting his mother after she fought with john on the phone. this is sometime in 1983 (may or later) as mary references both boys when she is arguing with john. dean would be 4, sam some number of months.

of these 5 memories, only dean's first memory is a good one. everything else is kind of average for both of them. one could argue that all of dean's memories of mary are precious bc he has so few, but to be honest he absolutely would have had better ones, maybe even when sam was born or his 4th birthday, which they likely celebrated. why would mary being upset and needing a hug be one of dean's greatest hits? another memory of young sam would have been happier also (getting the samulet for example). this was chosen for a reason. dig at sam maybe?

sam should have had better memories too. when sam says, "I can’t control this stuff!" in regards to what memories he relives, this is a clue. someone else is controlling what comes up.

so, dean was shown a good memory, proving that this is what's going on (they are reliving happy memories). sam is given a decent memory at first to support this, though it does not include dean (purposefully). it is probably one of his better ones without him. the without dean part is important. and then he is shown 2 other memories that are happy if you squint but more importantly, guaranteed to hurt dean because they feature dean's biggest fear - sam leaving the family and more importantly, dean.

also, rather than continuing to alternate memories, once dean is upset, they immediately go to another memory of sam’s, this one guaranteed to push all his buttons that he has left to push.

finally, when zachariah captures them, we are shown that he is controlling the memory version of mary, in a pretty gross fashion, but only after she says all kinds of hurtful things to really fuck with dean.

but! this means zachariah very likely has the ability to control sam and dean's ENTIRE heaven and has been dictating everything other than their sojourn over to ash’s heaven. if sam and dean were not so emotionally fucked up because they'd been killed and then shown those memories and then forced to face guilt in the form of old friends, they might have figured that out. but they don't really get a chance to work through it. it's almost worse that joshua saves them, because given more time with zachariah, he probably would have gloated and one or both of them would have gotten there.

instead they get told a load of crap about god not wanting anything to do with humans or the apocalypse and to back off. and then joshua's like ok byeeee you will get to remember this yay! so of course when they get back to their bodies dean is pissed and broken and believes that sam does not hold him in the same regard he holds sam. and sam, still feeling so guilty over everything with lilith and ruby and the apocalypse, doesn't have a good argument to combat deans assumption. how can he argue with heaven, especially because those probably were not bad memories for him, they just weren't his best memories either. zachariah mind gamed him as well.

this entire episode is about him fucking with the winchesters on his turf (he flat out tells us this). he played them both off each other as he’s been doing since last season (see the voicemail, and dean being stuck in the green room).

so in the end zachariah got what he wanted even though he didn't get to torture their souls first. he successfully shoved yet one more wedge between the brothers and broke dean a bit more in the process. all towards his goal of getting the winchesters to accept their fate as vessels.

and if you think that this part of the post and my interpretation is far fetched, i would like to reference a 2016 tumblr post, where a fan described a convo they had during their photo op with jared. he was asked a question about this episode, and he went on to say that zachariah manipulated sam's memories in heaven, to exclude dean.

obviously this is not definitive, but i trust and believe jared and jensen more than anyone when it comes to the show and their characters. it also fits the rest of the data.

in conclusion: sam and dean do share a heaven and are a special case. according to ash, one way to describe them would be soulmates.

thank you for coming to my winchester talk.

#I’ve never been more convinced of anything in my life op #damn

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I love how often people are like “wow Dean you look terrible” “Dean do you ever sleep you look like shit” “bro dean you need to rest you look like trash”

all the while he looks like a perfectly sculpted Greek god with glowing skin and bright eyes

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they made sam a true crime enthusiast theatre kid whose favorite singer is celine dion with a deep connection to his high school English teacher, an unwitting repulsion of his intrinsic self, and a festering need to escape his hypermasculine family and some of u call him a cishet man. an "overenthusiastic ally." homophobic even. turn in your gaydars, fellas, im revoking ur rights.

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supernatural would be a better show if dean had invited benny to travel around with him and sam during season 8 to make sam jealous which would naturally result in at least one attempted murder per episode

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sam winchester + blood

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As I watch farther into the later seasons of supernatural the early seasons become harder to watch because I know what we lose. I don’t want to get to the end I don’t want Dean to die I don’t like the bright colors I miss blue grime filter

#new analysis soon though I’ve just been really busy < little update for the 1-3 of you who want more

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6.05 live free or twihard 6.08 all dogs go to heaven

#oh