personalthoyghts-blog

[personalthoyghts-blog]

Been a long time since being on here.

I miss you so much, you’re all I think about. The more I try to move on, the more the memory of you just pulls me back with a vengeance. It’s starting to drive me crazy actually, I just constantly wonder, do you think about me as much as I think of you? I’d love to know, just so I understand where I stand with you. I know I shouldn’t wait for you because what’s to stop you from moving on? But I can’t help but hold back whenever I have the chance to move forward in my life. Like today... I just feel so disconnected with him, I shuffle out of cuddling him and kissing him, it just feels gross, cos it’s not with you. I miss your demeana and your character, I miss the way you tell little simple jokes and chilling with your guitar, that was always so therapeutic to me. I was in complete contentment. It’s tearing me apart to having you emotionally close anymore, I miss our romance. I miss EVERYTHING. I miss the way we make love, how special it is. It’s like with no other, when I look back, it feels completely euphoric. How right it felt with you. I wish I could have some sort of sign that things would work out between us, but I do think this break will put us to the test, the silence screams loudly. It screams change but does that always mean it’s a good thing?

[personalthoyghts-blog]

my trust issues are just causing me such aggravation, I can barely relax

[personalthoyghts-blog]

Anxiety

I feel so trapped, I'm emotionally damaged and my confidence has never been so low. It's one thing not feeling confident about your looks but it's another when you don't feel confident to even speak or make conversation. I'm constantly told throughout school and university that I need more confidence. Whenever I try to build my confidence, I'm knocked back down. It's not just about my confidence, I'm so unintelligent, I can't even string a sentence together. I fail academically, I'm never too outspoken because I hate confrontation and I hate being having arguments even with the simplest of things. I hate correcting people because I'm scared I'll be made to look stupid. I was even nervous going up to my lecturer today after class to speak to him. When I'm passionate about something and that's the only way for me to start conversation because I'm not charismatic and I can't start conversations well, I'm told I drone on and I say things people don't want to hear and I just want to desperately be comfortable in my own skin and to be comfortable with speaking to people. A part of my career requires me to be courageous and to speak out if things go wrong but I can't even do that because I'm so anxious of the outcome and being made to look like a dumb idiot. I wish I was intelligent, I wish I had confidence and I wish I could be engaging, funny and presentable. I'm painfully shy and my social skills are awful and whenever I try to speak, I'm spoken over because I'm probably boring. There I go again, droning on. This is the only place I feel I can vent and let my feelings out. I desperately want someone to hear me out and help me overcome this battle with myself. I'm so depressed and I can't even write this properly because I'm crying and it's all jumbled up thoughts being typed out onto here.

#anxiety #sorry this is long #depressed #venting #personal #confidence #unhappy

[personalthoyghts-blog]

[personalthoyghts-blog]

I despise my dad, if I could get away with murder I would. I can't fucking stand him, and what he has put me through all these years. he can go die for all I fucking care. And my mums a prick too, how could you choose him over me and make me live with his abusive ways for all of my life because you're a weak woman. Great example you're setting for me. Luckily I'm smart enough to know what's right for my children when I have them.

#cunts