puzzled-moth-diary

[puzzled-moth-diary]

Why do I hate myself so much. I've always felt like a burden. It's so difficult to speak up when something's not right and I'd rather be troubled myself than have it affect others. That's so messed up. Like I'm an eternal suck-up to everyone, people-pleaser, self-loather. Whenever something goes wrong, the first thing that comes to mind is 'Everyone hates me and I hate myself, too'. What's up with that.

#diaryposting #morning

[puzzled-moth-diary]

Dear diary,

the dead pixels on my phone keep spreding. It's kinda stressing me out.

#diaryposting #late night #i don't wanna get a new phone ugh #and if I did it would have to be a docomo flip phone which I can't get here UAGH

[puzzled-moth-diary]

Dear diary,

it's 1 AM. I sit here with my laptop in my bed. My grandma comes in, looks hella troubled and says: "Why can't you accept that there's day and night? I find that sad." And I had no idea how to deal with that??? At first I thought, oh, maybe she want's to help? Actually listen to me or sth? But then, as she continued to speak, I just felt so judged? Maybe instead of coming in and judging me, you could ask me if something's wrong and whether I would like to talk about it? But no, she decides to judge me, look at me like I just commited a crime. Like I'm doing something blasphemous? "I find that sad, it's a pity. Why can't you accept that there's day and night?"

I don't know, I have difficulties getting myself to sleep, okay? I can't deal with being alone with my thoughts when there's nothing else to distract my thoughts, troubles, worries and regrets. It's not exactly insomnia, but it does prevent me from sleeping healthily. Still, judging does not help. Opening the door telling me she's disappointed at me does not help. It only makes me feel worse when I already feel like I need to hide things about myself to be okay enough for her. And I know that I can't openly express my queerness in front of her, she's literally LGBTQ+-phobic. Thanks for helping me, not.

#diaryposting #late night

[puzzled-moth-diary]

Dear diary,

why does ice cream taste so much better in Italy? The experience of eating it there cannot be compared to even the highest quality ice cream you can get anywhere else. It's just a completely different feeling that makes it such a joyous and delicious experience. Mi piace.

#diaryposting #late night

[puzzled-moth-diary]

Dear diary,

I want to get in a train, drive through a dark tunnel and find myself warped into another reality with old nintendo ds graphics. The train wagon shakes, and the seats rumble beneath me. A cat walks over and sits in front of me. He says his name is Oliver and asks me all sprts of random questions. He reqlly wants to know if I'm moving. He asks me whether I'm a boy or a girl, the confusion about my gender fills me with satisfaction. Then the train's speakers announce the next stop where I haveto get out, as well. As I exit the train station, another monkey greets me and welcoms me to the new city. I am greeted by a few animals as I step outside the station. The pixelated trees sway in the wind and a pleasant ambience takes me in, including soft music that seems to play from nowhere.

Animal Crossing: New Leaf

#diaryposting #was the cats name oliver i don't really remember #oliver my child #isabelle please help me get my life together #sterni ist die beste währung #bells are called sternis im german ac and it's so much cuter #late night

[puzzled-moth-diary]

Dear diary,

uh oh.

It's 4 AM.

#Spotify

[puzzled-moth-diary]

Dear diary,

a conversation I recently had with someone reminded me of one from the past with a very dear friend of mine.

Back then, we agreed on this: queer people often struggle with so many mental health issues because of the discrimination and fears we face while existing in the present society. It's not 'people are queer because they are mentally ill, but people are mentally ill because they're queer in a society that fails them so frequently.'

So back to the present: I havr a very distressing conversation with this straight cis guy, who wants to discuss his concerns on the transgender identity and the problems he sees within the community. As a gender-questioning female perceived person, I'm trying my best to explain to him trans people's reasoning for transitioning and hrt and other things surrounding that. On top of that, despite telling me how he wants to listen to my point of view (because I'm a member of the LGBTQ+ community), he just wouldn't stop talking. And it was so frustrating and exhausting.

Whenever I tried to put my feelings into words, I noticed how I constantly discredited myself, undermined my own arguments despite being more connected to the topic than him. Self-worth problem did not help here.

And he also said something along the lines of: "Trans people have so many mental health problems. It's troublesome when they change their bodies through HRT/surgery. Detransition blablabla"

And it was so frustrating because despite how often he said how he liked to educate himself on many diverse topics, I was surprised that he wouldn't consider why it could be, that someone who could be perfectly fine if they could freely live out their gender identity would develop mental illnesses. Well no shit, it's society's fault. If there was no transphobia and gender-expectations/-roles etc., trans people could end up with much less mental distress. If we had a queer and intersectional feminist society that treated everyone equally, both in social and systemic terms.

#diaryposting #late night #lgbtq #transgender

[puzzled-moth-diary]

Dear diary,

am I trans?

#late night #diaryposting

[puzzled-moth-diary]

Dear diary,

I feel like everything I feel is not real. Is this the result of growing up with a very gaslight-eous parent?

I constantly feel stressed out, like my mind is scrambled eggs and I need to keep all the crumbs together somehow. And while keeping the chaos somewhat organised, it all keeps moving around constantly and I keep trying to hold on. And apart from keeping the stuff organised, I need to figure out the meaning of each piece and whether it actually exists or not.

#late night #diaryposting

[puzzled-moth-diary]

Dear diary,

why do I struggle with going to bed so much? And why does it feel like I never really get to the points I want to work on when I have a therapy session? Why is gardening so much work and so hard? Whu does it feel like I won't ever be able to pass the driver's licence exam? Why does it feel like I won't be able to become a responsible, working adult? Why does it feel like the only thing I know I'm good at is, basically, nothing? Why am I stressed out all the time even though I could relax and enjoy the liberties I have now?

Why do I feel so worthless and helpless, like I always need help with everything? Why do I feel like a burden?

And despite all this, why does it feel like my therapist thinks I'm healthy and happy with no need of therapy and I need to nreak through this false perception of myself?

#diaryposting #late night

[puzzled-moth-diary]

Dear diary,

I should come up with a more exciting starter. Give the diary a name? Or change the way of addressing? Hm.

#diaryposting

[puzzled-moth-diary]

Well shit, messed up the first thing already, which was labelling my blog correctly. Ugh, it is 3 AM after all and I really should let my body rest. But why is it so hard to just let myself go to sleep?

#diaryposting #late night