ravingsofajunkie

[ravingsofajunkie]

So. Here it is.

I met the most extraordinary man...the one....then I had to give him up.

Well, let's start with 'Here's what resentment looks like'. I left the transitional home angry, scared as fuck, entitled, getting another apartment of my dreams, getting high, showing up to work with no one having a clue, working my ass off for seemingly nothing, hiding, hooking up, and working tirelessly trying to evolve with my artwork, meeting the right people who became the wrong people, and the universe giving me signs along the way that I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

That's the outline.

Here's the story.....

#Grateful #multiverse #Highervibration #karma #husband #Newhome #loss #Entitlement #anger #Diddlemydoodle #Junkie #Sober #Harmreduction #Copingskills #gina #Tina #Boys #Synchronicity #Section8 #Ego #Meditation #Shadowpeople

[ravingsofajunkie]

What's on my mind hmm....this manifesting shit is rrrreal. All I can say is that I have experienced the dumbfounding, paralyzing, dreams come true, the fight of my life. I've asked many people about their actual wake-up call to a type of 'born again" spiritual journey...and their timeline of experiences. The consensus is:

Years 1-2: AHA! Eureka! WTF have I been waiting for? Where the fuck do I start? Gimme some more of that. I've wasted so much time - or - Im glad I spent all that time doing

...where do we go from here? Reconnection.

Years: 2-3: Really? I can see right through you. I know nothing. Please tell me where to go. I thought it was going to be easy after that first wake up call. Okay, maybe I've got some things to really work on. Living out old coping skills. Living out old dreams.

Years 3-6: Rediscovering passions. EXPERIMENTATION. Playtime Redirecting passions. Discovering new passions. Living out old coping skills. Still peeling away layers. Letting go of SHAME. Inward investigation.

Years 5-10?: living life with a new code. Walking through perhaps the core issue....the fight of a life time. I thought I was done with this shit. Walking through life with Truth as a guide. Dharma. Rewiring the formative years. Unifying heart, mind, soul.

Years 8+: fine tuning, tweaking...the fine tuning kind. Not a coasting but a a daily reprieve with action, vulnerability and recognition, and trust as GRATITUDE. Integrity.

How do I accept my own unintentional predictions and life soundtrack playing itself out as if in a dream or fantasy? Dark, beautiful, intense.

The only way possible....one foot in front of the other

[ravingsofajunkie]

This Is What Resentment Looks Like

Sasquatch. Miss Daisy. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb. The Hobbit. A.KA. my roommates. I wonder what I might be to them. They couldn't give a single fuck. I am giving too many fucks about this living situation. No one will read this so who else gives a fuck. Sasquatch snores like an explosive jackhammer or Harley Davidson because of his borderline sleep apnea and relapses. I can't sleep because of it. I have tried everything in my power the last few months to curb this obstacle. Sleep is fucking important to maintaining some assemblance of sanity and sobriety. Instantly I asked to switch rooms which Tweedle Dumb had agreed to. Tweedle Dumb, being a selfish asshole, raging codependent and sex addict, was on his last leg as a so-called friend and this switch would have made up for at least some of his misgivings. I would rather live with a sex addict than with a snorer. Being a self proclaimed love addict triggered by sex addicts, myself; that's saying a lot. Well, Tweedle Dumb backs out the last second with passive and shallow attempts to ignore me. I later find out through a bullshit mediation conference with me, Tweedle Dumb, and the housing manager from the transitional housing program I'm currently in that he doesnt want to be my roommate because he doesnt feel he can respect my boundaries....THEN requests that I respect his by not leaving crumbs around the house. FUCK THAT. Since then, three months, I haven't spoken but 20 words to him. Dick. Within two two days he gets the roommate of his dreams, Tweedle Dee, with whom they both share menstrual cycles. Tweedle Dumb is now Tweedle Dee's bitch. It's disgusting to watch. Furthermore, Tweedles Dee, Dumb, and the Sasquatch 'were' professional thieves and dealers for a living therefore the gravitational force of utter selfishness and entitlement as a growing spacial anomaly (as in black hole). The poor Hobbit (who has boundless energy and confronts me with his bourgeois tastes and habits) also lost in his codependency succumbs to their manipulation regularly and buddies up with them in private. Besties. Vomit. The Hobbit's roommate ends up being Miss Daisy who is nosey as fuck; literally narrating every sneeze, cigarette, shit, comings and goings, and household responsibilities of all residents....all the while claiming "I don't care what you do". None of them....none....gave a fuck about the snoring despite respectfully spelling it out.... to my bouts of insanity and random crying fits in the middle of the night. Housing was told, my counselor and therapists were aware, my group facilitators knew....i held a decorum fit for a King. I meditated. I tried trazodone...which my psychiatrist said thats the only thing she would give me with my history of addiction. Melatonin. Fans. White noise. Phone apps. Cheap Ear buds. G....which isnt ethically sound. Tea. Meditation. I may have hit something golden, yet annoying, with better ear buds and a different 💊. Getting a new job and volunteering and keeping up recovery has been stressful beyond anything with these people. Get me the fuck out of here. So....what brings up this rant? I tried to change up my room for the better. I even texted Sasquatch to let him know I am trying something new. His response was bullshit passive aggressive rearrangement making everything ten times worse. Fuck him. He hasnt even tried doing something about his snoring. Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him. Ive been nice and respectful as fuck. Fuck him.

[ravingsofajunkie]

To Vote Or Not To Vote? That Is The Question

READ CAREFULLY: If your identity is wrapped up in whether you vote or not then this is not the conversation in which you may want to participate. I will not reveal if I vote or not because (warning: purposeful sweeping generalization) most people will not be responsible with this information. If you continue read until the end.

The toughest part about thinking for myself is knowing I dont have to vote. AND if I don't vote I won't feel guilty because I know several things:

1. United States is a political shit show.

2. We need a social revolution beyond anything where I just vote.

3. We don't even know how to have conversations about any topic. We are a society of commentary news, editorial facebook news feeds, actual fake news, communities so segregated we are preaching to our own choirs, essentially no cross talk which leaves room for assumption based beliefs systems, and we need to have conversations about how to have conversations.

4. Sheep...polarized liberal and conservative sheep.

5. I wasn't surprised when Trump got elected. I wont be surprised about a another devastated liberal platform.

6. Supposed rehabilitated ex felons arent allowed to vote which, in this country, is another tool to keep minorities from the polls.

7. I also won't be surprised or care enough about a liberal victory because politics is not where change of mindsets occurs.

8. I limit my participation in political banter whether or not I vote because until I know the above is in active change it's a distraction for continued well being.

9. The act of voting can become a prerequisite for acceptance as a 'patriotic' citizen in many people's perceptions. If one doesn't vote then one might be considered an outcast.

10. Voting is not the only way to express social responsibility.

So, if I vote today, I don't need to wear it as a badge of honor. If I vote today I have decided to play a part of the game of participating in this reality where, in truth, it is inherently flawed and has no power over my identity as a compassionate human being.

[ravingsofajunkie]

Mental Health Treatment

I believe good mental health treatment is all about perspective. Most come from a space that these are a battle against diagnoses...as if they were something to be fought and not worked 'with'. Plus I know that many treatments have a bottom line. That is, to say, the minimum treatment is to get someone functional in this society; the basics of independence. I believe people can be treated with higher goals in mind. Thriving in a diagnosis through acceptance, objective investigation, trial and error, and an attitude of not being 'broken'. I believe that the diagnoses are base labels as obstacles to walk through and overcome.... and from which to learn more how to navigate through our own humanity. Dare I say theses diagnoses are gifts. It sucks that it's a game of chance finding these things out....the blind sometimes leading the blind. Patient and professionals experimenting together.

[ravingsofajunkie]

Sleep

An underlying anxiety woven into the fabric of my psyche may prove harder to treat holistically, initially. Meditation, diet, spiritual and social outlets have revolutionized the way I manage anxiety. Finding a medication as a set of training wheels to expedite results that is non-addictive has proven difficult. I would prefer to have a doctor not peg me into a cookie cutter mold of what a former addict can and cannot manage. The result that I seek is simple; a consistent sleep cycle. Ultra awareness, a sensitivity to sounds, and the feeling of "I gotta be and do and experience more and more and more or else I'm gonna miss something" keep me on the surface of sleep. I do know that I have to keep giving myself permission to sleep. Over and over and over.

[ravingsofajunkie]

Five years ago I made the choice to believe that I'm good enough. This directly opposed my conditioning both external and internal. I had/have to be vigilant every day to reprogram every aspect of myself: my thoughts, feelings, intentions, and actions. My expression may have seemed confused or unskillful at times but I never let up. If you don't believe that any part of you is not good enough it's not my job to make you believe. All I can do is let you know, from my direct experience, that you actually have a choice. Don't lie to yourself. Recognize how you are good enough and apply that balm to the rest of your life. Use the scientific method of trial and error. Observe with care. Stay out of other people's stories through assumption and inquire directly. The less distraction confronting your response time to the world around you the better. I do see you, all of you. Namaste

[ravingsofajunkie]

Every Individual Has A Different Set of Rules Etiquette

Grown ups are not grown ups. I had to stop making that assumption the past couple years. 'Sober' or 'high' there is no disease stronger than being unaware of one's own subconscious and conditioning. We have to be tireless by setting a living example of what it is to be awake. The gift of awareness has its price. Processing this phenomenon may seem endless but just like loss and grief (over a mindset) healing gets better over time.

[ravingsofajunkie]

Tarot Card Repeats

I have been doing my own Tarot card readings. The same cards have come up several readings in a row no matter the question. Comforting and weird/fascinating at the same time.

I shuffle very well and pick randomly. I googled the same question and one piece of advice gave me some insight. I did another reading asking my Higher self to help me with interpreting the phenomenon. One card was uniquely different and gave me insight about what I am experiencing emotionally to allow such consistency on all levels. Essentially, I am gently grieving over a mindset that is no longer useful. The repetitiveness the other readings in all aspects of my life seem to indicate that I am in sync with my reality and keep on keeping on. Nothing revolutionary about it. I think was hoping for something much more exciting.

I was hoping for fireworks.

I think that's supposed to be the comforting part. I'm in the zone.

Quiet synergy isnt something I'm used to. My tendency is to force things to happen. Or I think situations need much more energy on my part. The opposite is true. Just by allowing me to be me all will fall into place.

I'm letting go of the squirming.

If I don't have my anxiety who am I? If I don't have 'entitlement' to do whatever the fuck I want who am I? If I don't seek to be understood who am I?

These are the questions about identity that are sloughing off.

[ravingsofajunkie]

As I Evolve

I honor my strength.

I honor my humility and wanting to understand the world around me.

But, I need to divert my energy to independence, affirmation of self, and confidence. I need to work at making room to receive mental and spiritual knowledge by learning and networking. I need to be connecting with people regularly and know it's not a waste of energy. My positivity will infect my subconscious' distrust and continue to morph it into a radiant joy. My joy emanates from a center of expressive authenticity. My joy emanates from a solid foundation of knowing an abundance of well-being, creativity, and intuitive intellect. My core confidence will help maintain consistent manifestation of goals and resourcefulness as I experience abundance threefold: Mind. Body. Spirit.

Threefold Abundance

1. Mind: Clarity, choice, receptivity, of knowledge, and use of knowledge.

2. Body: Health (medical, exercise, self-care), finances (a new relationship and commitment to evolve), work (utilization of my talents as I discover them and nurture them), material necessities/luxuries (home, clothing, tech, food, style)

3. Spirit: well-being, synchronicity, connection, intuition, creativity, motivation, humility, and gratitude.

[ravingsofajunkie]

Alan Watts quote

"You are an aperture through which the universe is looking at and exploring itself."

All people...even the ones with whom we have difficulty. This realization strips away egotistical desires to label people 'good' or 'bad'. Sometimes this is a painful reality when all I want is to be right.

[ravingsofajunkie]

In honor of recovery month:

'Clean' vs. 'Dirty' is a perpetuation of an unspoken stigma making the assumption that the more time one might have the better person one might be. I don't care about the time accrued - show me how 'sober' you are.

[ravingsofajunkie]

[ravingsofajunkie]

The realization of this Truth set in motion the stages of a visceral, emotional, tangible and conscious grieving process of an old mindset. Every fiber of my being experienced denial, depression, anger, bargaining, disillusionment, detachment, and most recently (the past couple years) an empowering acceptance. Acceptance has allowed me to get into the thick of practicing what it means to be alive by facing each layer of fear as they are revealed.

[ravingsofajunkie]

More on Liberation

By staying in the 'now' I am training my mind to see and observe without as much past conditioning. I am reconditioning my mind to take on fresh ways of experiencing or perceiving.

[ravingsofajunkie]

Equanimity

I want to bring up an empowering Buddhist concept of Equanimity. A person's happiness is not based on the experience but the relationship to that experience. Each person is responsible for their own happiness.

We can do everything in our power to compromise and communicate and affirm each other's well being. However, in the end, life may not be fair. Despite doing all these things I may not get what I think I need or want.

Here's a roommate solution to my lack of sleep that I can't explain. I'm paraphrasing, "we cant be roommates because I don't want to respect your boundaries but I expect you to respect mine." Wheee! So much fun! Let's do a grand experiment: when you need help to get back on your feet let's throw a bunch of random and emotionally sensitive humans into a house with the expectation of 'work out your shit together' and not expect it to fuck with your serenity. Ahh, the consequences of 'fucking up' in this society leaves little to no options as to how much privacy is taken away or deserved.

Despite being temporarily blinded by the feeling of betrayal I examine my own high expectations of a standard of community relationship building. I won't always get what I want but I can sure tap into a resourcefulness to discover the option of detachment and refocusing negative energy into positive action elsewhere. Painful but necessary.

[ravingsofajunkie]

Liberation

I asked a person in Refuge Recovery if they might know someone able to mentor me in the traditions of Refuge Recovery and Buddhism. "Tradition" is a heavy word for a fledgling program like Refuge Recovery. But because it has its roots firmly planted in Buddhism I can safely say that Refuge Recovery will outlast its founder, Noah Levine. Its truth speaks to me on a visceral level. I've experienced this kind of synergy before with the Centers For Spiritual living and the philosophy "Science Of Mind" founded by Ernest Holmes. Despite this person mentoring 17 others he volunteered to be my mentor as well. The first couple discussions brought on a familiar anxiety. As he assumed my meditation practice was merely amateur he suggested I take on a few assignments while inviting any questions I may have but with a rigid sense of purpose. The rigidity was so seemingly off putting I immediately wondered if I was with my parents not allowed to question the practice itself. Or it reminded me of many 12 step sponsor types that downplay/ignore a sponsee's gifts and throw them arbitrary assignments without inquiring about the sponsee's experience or perspective.

I have decided that the assignments/structure are bare enough to allow freedom for expression and that this structure is actually quite needed.

So I have taken on the task of meditating for 20 minutes every day (as well as I can and almost do), write about what Liberation from suffering means to me, use my artwork to illustrate Liberation and say the five precepts daily:

1. I undertake the training precept to refrain from destroying or harming living creatures.

2. I undertake the training precept to refrain from taking that which is not freely offered.

3. I undertake the training precept to refrain from sexual/sensual misconduct. [Moderation of senses]

4. I undertake the training precept to refrain from incorrect or false speech.

5. I undertake the training precept to refrain from taking intoxicating drinks and drugs which may lead to carelessness [heedlessness].

I'm glad to write about my perception of Liberation. I have some ideas of what Liberation looks and feels like to me.

Liberation from physical tension:

Muscles wrap around every part of my body from my toes to my soles, heels, ankles, calves, pelvis, anus, perineum, cock, buttocks, spine, gut, shoulders, back, fingers, chest, fore arms, chin, neck, lips, cheekbones, forehead, eyes, ears, scalp...and wherever I can't think of right now. I understand and I have observed constant tension as accompanying emotion and other thought forms; excitement, elation, anxiety, urgency, sadness, prediction, solving, resenting, reflecting, projecting, and wandering, just to highlight a few.

I aspire to release, let go

dissolve

unwind

Like yoga, breathe into expansion

Breathe out and release

Dissolve

Breathe into expansion

Breath out and release

Unwind even more

Like a Band-Aid on a moving joint

Active

Unravel

Another form of Liberation is wanting self-discipline and knowing, in my heart, its benefits. Simple but elusive concepts in my life affected by the lack of self-discipline include: finances, self care, education, commitment and loyalty to nurturing a solid connection in community.

Through the Liberation of tension created by emotions and thoughts, the release of creativity and expression is giving myself permission to be authentic to seek out communities where I thrive both contributing and receiving. I begin to trust my subconscious with the ability to choose my responses moving away from constant and necessary patrol over subtle feelings/thoughts/sensations to a light sensitivity in noticing those changes by feeding my subconscious with new ideas, actions, and perceptions. In a state of Liberation I am trusting that I am being led forward. My lack of tension allows to access energy that can be allotted for tasking more.

In addition, I see a consistent trend towards the awareness that I don't need to self-medicate with purchases, drugs, food, sexual validation, cigarettes, or love.

Liberation to me is seeing pain and confusion not as suffering but as something curious, fascinating, and educational in nature. Liberation is determined by the ease of change with these newly acquired abilities in the spirit of Investigation.

Liberation, finally is giving myself the chance to accept leadership responsibilities as a tool for growth and continued evolution.