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This is now the only place i can be myself. I have to many people on facebook and instagram that i have put up a front for. If they new the really me theyd probably think i was crazy. They think im always so happy. When really i want to fall off a bridge sometimes. i want to be swallowed my the wind that passes me. I want it to left the heavy rock feeling off my chest so that i can breath again. I think im getting worst. I am numb and i have pushed people away. For that i am alone. I have this ringing in my head that wont stop because of the pain that i feel all over.I want to be free and not e able to breath. I want to fall and never stop. The wind will be my friend and will hold me tight.
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I am 14 and one day my mother mentions high school. I dont think too much of it, its a year away which feels like a lifetime. I just stay swinging on our blue swing set in the back yard. Today was good! I made my Dad cupcakes all by myself. He told me he was so proud of me.I am 15 and they are telling me to hurry up and pick a major— before I’ve even stepped foot inside of a college. They tell me that these will be the best years of my life. The same people who tell me that, will stand there and lecture me because I got an 82% on a test instead of a 94%. I really wish I had time to go on the blue swing set right now.I spend hours studying alone in my room. I spend twice as many hours crying, alone in my room. I am taught my grades are more important then my well being. All these people have high expectations of me. I HAVE to do all this work on time and I MUST get passing grades on every single thing. I go into school and my hands shake as the day unfolds. Its like this for nearly the whole year. I stutter and I flinch. I am exhausted. Its hard to fit a social life into my schedule when I need to study for the history mid term, the math finale. Somewhere along the way, I forgot what its like to relax. I am 16 and I am being asked constantly about school, a job, and my license. As if those three things are all that matters. It went from, “How are you doing?”, to, “How was school?”. I want to scream. What if I answered with the truth? School? School was horrible. I am exhausted from studying all night. I am agitated because I barely had time to eat at lunch. I am miserable because all my head can think about is upcoming quizzes and exams. A job? They expect me to balance a job on top of all this. I can’t even perform well enough for my own self let alone some middle aged man who runs a clothing department. They act as if getting a job is a matter of walking inside the store and asking. I am so sorry but this is 2014, not 1974. Every family event becomes “are you driving yet?”, “have you picked out a college?”, “..what do you mean you don’t have a job? Aren’t you 16?..God, when I was your age…”. Hell. Its turned into hell. I am 17 and I have left high school because every time I walked down those halls, bile filled my mouth. My legs shook. I tried. I really tried but I couldn’t concentrate on these tests anymore. I do not give a shit about the population of Switzerland. Or how to write a sonnet. I have been constantly looked down upon since leaving. Like it is the most atrocious thing I could do. “What’s wrong with you? These are the best years of your life!” They spit back. Suddenly they didn’t ask what college I was going to. Or if I liked that job I didn’t yet have. No one mentioned my license. They put all this pressure on you. One day you’re outside playing on the swing set, you’re flying through the sky. Then the next you wake up, you’re 15 and everyone expects you to have it all figured out.
Well Jesus Christ it doesn’t work that way. (via healingx)
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8 away from 200 followers
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