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screamingmommy-blog · 7 years

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“I’m glad your dad is dead!”

Today has been an extremely hard bad day.

My son has ODD. Oppositional Defiance Disorder. He also had ADHD which in my opinion has led to the ODD and also makes it worse. It’s extremely hard to discipline him. His dad is out of the picture. It’s just me and him and he’s about as big as me at 10 yrs old which makes it extremely hard to deal with his violent outbursts. It’s already hard to discipline him with ADHD. Kids with ADHD don’t react to discipline like the normal kid. I’ve tried the whoopings, time-outs, and removal of favorite toys for awhile. Whoopings have NEVER worked. I’d slap his bottom and he’d turn around and laugh at me. I thought at first maybe I was doing it to light but after a few attempts I gave up. No matter what he would just turn around and laugh. Then he’d go back to doing whatever it was that caused punishment in the first place. Time-outs were about just as bad. He’d sit there and just smile. After the allotted time he’d be allowed up and he’d go right back to whatever caused the punishment. So that led me to taking away his favorite toys and games. Oh boy.....that got a reaction out of him. A very dangerous reaction. At 4 yrs old i was stabbed in the back with a knife because I took a toy away. It was a cold calculated attack. He actually screamed and cried and sat on the couch pouting but he was just waiting. Buying his time til my guard was down and back was turned. Over the next 6 yrs it just got worse and worse. Trying to discipline him usually led me to getting hurt. A day wouldn’t go by without me getting bruises, cuts, or knots on my head. Even scared to death of my son, I still desperately tried to discipline him. At some point I basically gave up my life. To me, it wasn’t a question of if my son would kill me, it was just a matter of when. At that same point is when my manageable drug use went from manageable to full throttle.

Now...at 10 yrs old I feel the end is near sometimes. He’s as big as I am and beats on me. That, or he destroys the house and I do mean DESTROY the house. Holes in the walls. Rips in furniture from him stabbing it with a knife. Also, the verbal abuse has gotten way out of control. His abusive extremely mean words flying at me hurt so much worse than the bruises. Like today. I wouldn’t just jump up and get him a bag of Doritos so the next thing I got was the remark “I’m glad your dad is dead!”.

I have cried so much today. That wasn’t the only thing he’s done today. He never does one thing. It’s all day every day. Some days I manage it. Some days he’s not completely heartless. But....he has more heartless days than he has “some-heart” days.

Days like today take me back to when I was in active addiction. There at the end I wanted to blow my brains out so bad. I haven’t contemplated suicide like I used to in awhile but days like today push me dangerously close to writing those goodbye letters again. I don’t know what else to do. Medication and therapy doesn’t help him much. Medication and therapy doesn’t help me deal with it much. I’m lost.

I have also gotten to this point in my mind where I actually don’t like my son at all and that really hurts me. But how do you like somebody that beats on you and says such mean things? If anybody has the answer to that PLEASE let me in on the answer.

There’s also a huge part of me that truly believes my son is a psychopath. I’m serious. I’ve googled and watched videos about kids that have been diagnosed as psychopaths. He fits about every single mark. It scares me. It worries me. I’m scared for the people in his life. For the people that will be in his life in the future. He puts on this front at school and in public. He’s the cutest most well behaved child in front of them. At home....totally different story. The only people that have seen his dangerous side are me, my mom, my nephew, and my grandmother. What kind of kid treats his mother that way? What kind of kid is cold and calculating like he has been? He’s even stood in my face, hands made into fists, a smile on his face, and tell me that he’s going to call the cops and tell them I abuse him. A flat out LIE. What kind of kid does that?

I’m scared of my own kid. I know I will probably die at the hands of my own kid. And on really bad days like today I want to end the suffering early. And that scares me even more.

I’m so lost. Especially with no drugs in me to help me “not feel”. How I made it this damn far in recover I’m not sure.

#SonIsMean DealingWithAddiction WhatDoIDo JustWantToEndIt

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screamingmommy-blog · 7 years

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White knuckling

If you have ever been to a 12 step meeting you will have heard people say stuff like “You can get clean but to stay clean you have to work the steps” or “To not be miserable while clean you have to work the steps” or....and to me this one is the biggest bullshitter there is....”Working those steps will cure that Anxiety”.

One...I have worked the steps. And guess what? It has NOT cured my anxiety. It has NOT cured the miserableness of my depression. You see....Anxiety is fear. It’s your bodies response to fear. The problem is I don’t always know what my body perceives as fearful. Some things I do.....like heights, driving on the interstate, and social situations. But sometimes my body takes over. It’s like I know the way I feel is irrational but I can’t stop it. I can’t make my heart rate go down. I can’t make my respirations slow down. I can’t make the suffocating feeling go away. That feeling like the walls are closing in. Like death.....IS imminent. My brain tells me that I shouldn’t feel that way. But I can’t control it.

When I first came into the program I desperately wanted to believe those statements of others. I worked those steps as hard as I could but unfortunately telling all my dirty secrets and finding God again doesn’t make a medical condition go away.

I don’t regret working the steps. I needed to get it off my chest. The saying, “Your only as sick as the secrets you keep” is a true statement. And i was a sick.....extremely sick person. So getting that stuff out did help. I advise anybody struggling with addiction to get your secrets out. I don’t preach at people to work the steps...blah blah blah. I believe in my program but I know my way ain’t the only way. But I do know that you gotta get that shit off your chest. So tell SOMEBODY. Somebody you can trust. Even in the program we don’t always tell our sponsor. But you do have to tell somebody.

Since I did that I do feel better. I at least don’t have the past hanging over my head. Now I just have the anxiety and depression hanging over my head. I take an anti-depressant that helps but doesn’t make it totally go away. I don’t take an anti-anxiety med because I’ve tried a couple of “non-addictive” ones and even they made me extremely sleepy. I’d fall asleep standing up at work. If I was home I’d sleep all the time which had my mom accusing me of using again even though I wasn’t. So I stopped taking them and now I just.....cope.

I have great days. I have good days. I have bad days. And then I have those days where getting out of bed is the biggest struggle there is. But I do it. Sometimes I feel like shouting “I got out of bed! Do you KNOW what an accomplishment that is!”. Especially when my friends or family comment on my behavior. But I don’t. I just keep my mouth shut because to open my mouth wastes energy I don’t have to begin with. That little extra energy goes to fight the demons in my head saying “You know what would make those feelings go away really quick?” “You know what will make you feel great again?” etc. But I can’t listen to those demons.....I can’t go down that road again. In the end....drugs will only make those feelings intensify. Rational me knows that. I pray every day that rational me wins the battle in my head.

As far as my life goes.....it IS better. Nowadays if I’m hungry, i eat. If I need something, I buy it. I don’t starve and go without so I can buy more drugs. So life is better but my mental health is the struggle. I don’t white knuckle recovery much anymore but I white knuckle dealing with my anxiety and depression.

@notanotherrn Recovery is possible. Life does get better. But it’s a long fight. The destination is worth it.

#addiction #anxiety #depression #betterlife #recovery

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screamingmommy-blog · 7 years

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Cookies in the floor.

Today marks a year clean. I have worked extremely hard this past year. I fought for an extra 30 days in treatment because I knew 30 days was not enough. I did 270 meetings in 90 days. Instead of 1 a day I did 3 a day. I found a home group. I changed my phone number. I dropped everybody I knew. I made new friends from meetings that had years clean and wanted to help me. When I checked in that 1st afternoon in treatment I wanted to die. I wanted to blow my brains out. If I had had a gun I would have. A year later....I’m mostly happy. I no longer want to kill myself. I sometimes still think about it but the plans have stopped. I have seriously worked my ass off to get this. To have a better life.

Me and my mom have never had a great relationship. We have always fought horribly. I’ve always been more like my dad. Which is not a good thing. I hated the man. He was an abusive alcoholic. As mean as he was though I always knew he would do anything for me. When I was 10 I was molested by my cousin. I still remember that day so vividly. I remember afterwards running through the trail that linked my house to my aunts. My heart pounding and tears streaming down my face. I crash through the front door. Collapsing on the floor. My mom didn’t even get up out of the chair. She just sat there. Staring at me like I’m crazy. I start screaming about what happened. I’m hyper-ventilating. I. Can’t. Make. It. Stop. That fear. She doesn’t hug me. She does nothing. NOTHING! Instead, she tells me “He just didn’t know what he was doing.” “Just shut up and don’t tell your father.”At that point my love for my mother stopped. At age 32 I still can’t forgive her. I can’t get past it. My friends, my sponsor tell me it’s crucial I forgive her. I work every day to do that but I haven’t gotten there yet. Part of the reason I can’t is because of crap she still does to me. Last night during the night she texted me accusing me of still using. She does this at least once a month. Usually I just ignore it. As long as I know what I’m doing I don’t care what she thinks. That’s a lie. I DO care. She’s my mother for christs sake! But I still just ignore it. She is who she is. My son likes to wake up early before school so he can play on the phone or computer before he has to get ready for school. This morning he chose the phone. So he saw my moms text before I could delete it. Now.....my son is 10. I try every day to make up for all the hell I put him through. He has seen stuff he should have never seen. He worries about me. A 10 year old should not be worrying about his mother. He is very clingy. He hates to be away from me which makes getting him to school even harder. He’s scared I’ll relapse. I work hard hoping that one day this worrying will go away or at least get better. So when he saw my moms text accusing me he went nuts. He refused to go to school. He’s scared I’ll do something while he’s at school. Thank God we woke up early because I spent an hour trying to calm him, reassure him, and try to get him to get ready. An ADHD child with ODD is not easy to “calm” down. Which lead to.....

A gallon bowl of cookies thrown at me. Which I was able to dodge but the kitchen floor is currently covered. He then moved to the full laundry basket. Threw that at me in the bedroom. Which is currently still covered with wet towels and dirty clothes. At that point I needed a cigarette so I moved to the porch. And that’s where he brought a bag of trash and dumped it all over the porch and yard, He threw a potted plant off the porch into the yard and then stormed to my car and kicked at my door a few times. I’m sure some of y’all are thinking....”She should have grabbed him up and....(insert whatever punishment your thinking of)”. I wish I could just grab him up and discipline him. But I can’t. At age 10 he is just a tad smaller than me. He’s stronger than I am. In the past when I got close to him during one of his rampages I’ve gotten hurt. It’s extremely dangerous to be close to ODD kids while they are raging. I’ve been kicked, punched, pinched, hell....I’ve even been stabbed. Yes....I said stabbed. And since my sons dad is a piece of crap and not in the picture it’s just me. When he is raging I have to just stay away til he calms some. And then I basically have to come from behind, wrap him in a hug, maneuver him down to the floor and just hug and rock him while repeating that everything is okay. This is so exhausting. Dealing with this is partly what made me turn to drugs to cope with the stress and feelings. Thankfully to the man upstairs my son calmed down enough in time to help him cope and still get him ready in time to get to school. I just feel like my mom does this crap on purpose. She knows what will happen if my son reads texts like that. She knows the hell I get put through after he reads those texts. And that is why it is so hard to forgive her.

Today....I feel so empty inside. I feel like nobody loves me. Not my mother. Not even my son. I’m not saying these feelings are true or rational but it is what I feel. I just want a normal life. I want the past to change. I want to not have been molested. I want a sober dad. I want a mother that would protect me and love me. And more than anything I want a NORMAL son! I ask why all the time. Why do i deserve this life? Why did i deserve to be hurt over and over and over. Why did my son have to be born with these problems? People tell me to change my question and ask “Why not me?”. I guess they think I feel like I’m special and somebody else deserves my pain. That’s not it. I know bad things happen to good people. Hell....I even bought and read that book trying to understand. So i know bad things happen to good people. If a person never struggled in life they’d never grow as a person. So I’m not asking for no struggles. I just want to know why i deserve so MANY struggles?!

If you’re interested in the book I mentioned the book title is: Why do bad things happen to good people? By: Harold Kushner. My therapist recommended it.

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