sertralineandcbd

[sertralineandcbd]

exhaustion

honestly, i’d rather not write on here but something told me i should just now. it seems like i can never get good sleep in the morning. i wake up at around 8 and feel like i need to pee or get up or something, then try to go back to sleep, then sort of wake up again, then finally get more shut eye until around 10, but i wake up feel anxious and panicky and physiologically stressed.

this morning was no different - except i had a horrific dream that i think subconsciously left an imprint on me for the rest of the day. although, my day was great - i had lunch with my mom, ran errands, and did some shopping before i went to the studio to have fun. 

i have everything sorted to head back now except for packing, which i’ll start tomorrow and finish off on friday. i’m all set for work and have finished all my freelance work i need to do, so i feel more “ready”. i don’t feel much more calm though thanks to PTS, but it’ll do.

i’m gonna miss the weekly studio sessions with the buds. it’s been such a fantastic time that i could never replace. it was a big part of my “everything happens for a reason” theory. but.. it is time to go back and live my independent life once again. i don’t know fully how life is going to be. i know i’m scared of the city, and i know i’m scared of something else, i just don’t know what it is. i know i’ll have a lot of avoidance going on when i fly back, but i’m thankful for the isolation and the new world right now, it’s given me a chance.

i’m grateful for a lot, but i know i can’t ignore the fact that i’m severely heartbroken and i have post traumatic stress. it’s great to know i’ll be able to see my therapist in person when possible too. online sessions aren’t really the greatest.

life is strange. 

me typing that made me remember all those times we used to play that game in bed and on my dining table. i know i’ve suppressed so many memories with him because they’re painful, but also because they seem so far away. i almost remember nothing before we moved into our apartment, which is crazy because those were the truly good times. the real times i’d like to think. i’m scared even typing about these memories. it’s almost like i don’t know how to deal with them or how to perceive them.

i think having a better friendship circle and support system would fare well for me, but i know i’ll have to be proactive in looking for one. i’ll make musician friends and find support groups for ptsd, but i’ll take it a day at a time, there’s no rush.

i need to learn how to breathe again.

[sertralineandcbd]

it’s been a long long time since I last posted on here, and I’m not entirely sure why. I say this because apart from having loads of commitments like work, dealing with heading back, and seeing friends and family, I still have been feeling similarly. recently I’ve been feeling more heartbroken and sad than anything, but I’ve also still been reliving and waking up in a panic. It also doesn’t help having someone and a dog around making sounds - creates even more of a sudden jolt. I think it’s also because when no. 3 and I used to have those big “fights” (I use quotations because it takes two to fight, he was the only one fighting), I used to take a nap in the afternoon and I would jolt awake with the worst sinking feeling. I remember that one time we thought we were broken up and I woke up crying so much and instantly jumped to him and I hadn’t even fully woken up yet. I also remember the time he came back from work one day after giving me the silent treatment and my heart was so broken all day... we said hi and he asked me if I wanted ...(I just had to stop writing to sob here) tea and went back to silent treatment and I went and gingerly hugged him from behind and cried and said I missed him. He said he missed me too and hugged me back. It’s such a painful memory for me because it combines the knowledge of emotional abuse and the notion of our love. It felt like that was representative of everything that was going on then. I was so hurt and scared and sad that I couldn’t “access” him. That I had to tiptoe around him. That I felt like he didn’t fully love me. That I had to “”beg”” for his love. It was a sad time.

I haven’t cried this much in a while.

[sertralineandcbd]

“bags”

i’ve been listening to the live version of clairo’s “bags” for the last couple of days. 

i just had my therapy appointment and cried a whole bunch. there are a host of changes that happened just this morning, as i could have a job offer lined up for me. this means i’d have to go back soon and find a place...well, the latter first. but, it’s causing me a lot of stress. maybe it’s because it’s the first day of knowing and it’s been quite a shock, i’m not sure.

i’m glad my therapist is sending me some questions to fill out, i feel like activities like that are really helpful for me. the session was a lot of just me crying, but she did hammer on the fact that i’m not controlled and i don’t have to worry about the unpredictability and that i’m in control. it just doesn’t feel that way. i think if i do solidify this job, it’ll be a lot easier for me to relax about $ and feel better about renting a place on my own. i just still have so many ? and unpredictability i want it to stop, and knowing about the job is the first thing.

i have to keep reminding myself that once i do know, i’ll have an easier time planning all the rest. 

i’m just so exhausted.

[sertralineandcbd]

nap

woke up from a nap 10 minutes ago and woke up sobbing.

it’s been a while since i’ve woken up doing that. i can’t remember the full dream anymore, but the last scene in that dream was me and no. 3 in a car and i was saying “i love you” but in a “scared” way -- like i wasn’t sure whether or not i should’ve been saying it or how he was going to react, but he just said “i love you too” back in a solid way and seemed a bit confused about why i was so scared/sad, and then i started tearing up and crying in the dream and then woke up.

it’s weird because the entire dream was a continuation of the storyline from past dreams/a past dream with him in it. we weren’t really together but we were together -- again, don’t really remember the full story, but it was almost like an alternate reality.

[sertralineandcbd]

IX of pentacles

again, another cryptic title...but i promise, it’s relevant.

ever since my third or fourth day being back “home”, i’ve been reading my daily tarot reading on my phone. i’m not much of a believer in that stuff but it’s kept me in a state of wonder and it gives me something to expect. the IX of pentacles states: “after much hard work, this card indicates a time of opulence and luxury, all resulting in a feeling of satisfaction, emotional comfort, and peace. all of this is due to one’s intelligence and self-control and represents an achievement that has lasted over a lifetime.”

i’m hoping this reigns true in some sort of way. i feel like my life so far has just been bad luck back to back. it seems like i can’t even get a glimmer of hope of something stable and that positively affects me without getting let down soon after. even with the whole job offer thing -- i had my fingers crossed -- i was like, “please please please just give me this. just give me something to work hard on. give me a platform to fuel my career...” but no.

i’m not even sure what this post is about really, i think it’s just me reflecting on how distraught i am and how hopeless i feel once again.

i got back from the studio not too long ago and the journey back home can be quite difficult yet reflective. i always listen to music my entire journey, so it’s nice, but it also forces me to be sort of alone with my thoughts and feelings. sometimes i think about how hurt i feel, how sad i feel, how much i wish things would just work and all the things that happened. sometimes i’m typing or thinking or on a train of thought and it just all short circuits. i’m not sure if it’s because i genuinely forget or that my brain is choosing to: 

avoid avoid avoid.

right now just writing about stuff and putting myself in this position is making my jaw ache and clench up. my body constantly feels like i’ve been hit by a truck, especially when i wake up first thing. recently i’ve been having some stomach pains and i’m not sure if its the post traumatic stress or nothing. 

but yeah, im lost. i just wish i was happy.

despite everything, i’m still sticking with what i’ve always believed to be true: everything happens for a reason. i know that although me and no. 3 had so much compatibility in terms of interests and the way we view many things/our opinions, he wasn’t a good partner emotionally nor in a true love sort of sense.

i actually saw something today or last night that spoke on abusive relationships - an infographic that displayed it all. the title is: quick telltale signs of an abusive relationship. the text reads:

- the relationship progressed very quickly

- you’re always looking for signs your partner is about to get angry

- you often feel like you’re walking on eggshells

- you sometimes feel afraid of your partner’s reaction to something

- you see friends or family behind your partner’s back

- deleting innocent emails and messages as you don’t want your partner to get the wrong idea

- you feel responsible for your partner’s feelings or actions

- you do things you don’t want to do to keep the peace

- your partner often overrides your feelings or wishes when making decisions

- you avoid bringing up subjects that may set your partner off

- you feel that you are worthless and that no one else would want you

- you feel like you can’t do anything right

AND ALL OF THESE WERE TRUE.

honestly, i’ve written several posts on this blog but i haven’t felt as distressed as i do right now thinking and feeling and talking about it all. i feel as though i’ve also become a lot more irritable - not only around family but around friends too. i don’t want to be that way and that’s certainly not what i’m like, but the high stress, tension, and trauma kill me inside and i guess that’s how it manifests.

i think i also dissociated for the first time today. i was sitting in the studio creating music with the group and i just started drifting away, eyes glazed over, kinda stepped outside of my body for a bit.

these are reasons why i think things are getting worse in a way. in a way they are also not as i am not in quarantine like i was when i first arrived -- i have less of a schedule (aka stay home and watch youtube, make food, work, or do my embroidery stuff), i don’t cry every day, i don’t wake up at 4, i’m not sleeping on a couch, i’m not as heartbroken in the way i was (it’s a different sort of “hurt”), i’m not having serious suicidal thoughts like i was, i’m able to scroll on reddit (after unfollowing MANY subreddits), i’m not intruded CONSTANTLY with TERRIBLE thoughts where i have to distract myself so intensely that i can’t even take a shower....so, in many ways it’s gonna better when it comes to the day to day...

but in terms of the lasting effects and the PTS, i don’t believe so. it’s in fact the opposite.

[sertralineandcbd]

“it”

i had another therapy session today. it’s been a while since i’ve visited this blog as i’ve been avoidant. that last post i wrote i actually wrote a couple of days ago but never finished nor published it.

it was a hard session. we talked about physical stress, psychological manipulation, ptsd, trauma, externalizing, and a bunch of other stuff. it was kind of another overview but deeper. when we talked about externalizing i said that me and my thoughts were being put into a strait jacket and being held captive and i guess that’s reigned true for a long time. she even said that i was being “ambushed by trauma” and that everything from the past seems to have the attitude of “i get to ride the train too!”

she says i need to name this “thing” but i just don’t know what i could possibly call it. life is so jarring to confront, and my emotions and being are so hard to confront.

i don’t even really know what to say in this post, but i’m just glad i got SOMETHING done today and that tomorrow and saturday i’ll have jam-packed days of activities and socializing to do - pretty much the only thing that distracts me enough to laugh and feel a bit more comfortable in my existence.

[sertralineandcbd]

baby

“baby” might sound like a strange title to this new post, but i’ll make sense i write.

so over the past two weeks i’ve thought about the notion of pregnancy and being pregnant and WANTING to be pregnant. it might have intensified after a dream i had about being pregnant with a little bump and being happy about it. but i had a thought about why this desire might have occurred as all my life up until the last few months of being with no. 3 i had no desire to have children.

i believe it could be due to two reasons:

1. because me and no. 3 had talked about the future

2. because i feel as though my life’s purpose is to be a carer and to take care of people, and probably myself too! my desire to explore the world, pursue creative pursuits, and just form relationships with other people on the planet are my ultimate goals and what ultimately makes me happy.

it really allows me to reflect on my true desires, my happiness, my livelihood, and also my boundaries. i feel as though i really truly put my heart into a relationship once i have the information i want and feel like i need, but it often turns sour even after i give a slight benefit of the doubt. i guess this is something i need to work on doing - recognizing if the behavior and actions and words are ok or not that come up and INSTEAD of just brushing it aside, seeing:

a) if i can work with the person as a TEAM together on the issue

b) if the person is even self-aware of it at all

c) whether it is abusive/detrimental to the person, me, or the relationship

as i’ve always believe in, everything happens for a reason. i guess it’s shown me that i still haven’t learned everything i need to learn about the types of people i choose, the boundaries i do not put up, and what’s good and bad in a relationship. it just seems like i’m too preoccupied with giving. maybe that’s why i feel empty, because i feel as though i have no one to take care of and look forward to doing so right now.

but what about me?

[sertralineandcbd]

shampoo and conditioning

i debated whether or not i wanted to write a post tonight. it’s 1am and i just got back from the studio not too long ago, but hell, i won’t have time for most of tomorrow and i’m surprisingly not dead tired.

reading about abuse, abusive relationships, narcissism...etc. has helped me gain understanding and knowledge about the many nuances of the past 3 years for me. although i know it will take me a long, long, long time to recover, be happy, and start letting people into my life again, it’s been important to just “know”.

something hard-hitting that i read was “when people are rejected, they often try harder to please. the narcissist has conditioned you to do this. STOP. you’re n to going to please them. nothing you do will ever be enough. know the mind games they play and don’t give them control of your mind. take your power back and control the speed when you walk out that door and slam it firmly shut! and your closure is that loud bang when you drive a nail through it to make sure it never opens again,”

and that is essentially what i did and came to realize.

i think i subconsciously and consciously learned from my relationship with #2, and maybe even #1 to realize my self-worth and what was truly going on, faster, a hell of a lot faster. i had so much more to lose - a home, the first man i truly loved - let i still made that split decision to leave, immediately. there seemed to be no ifs, ands, or buts about it and i feel like i need to keep realizing how much pressure i had to deal with, because i often forget.

another key thing i read: “narcissists don’t want honest relationships, they want cheerleaders. they want people who always give them the right. they want blind loyalty. they want unconditional acceptance, no matter what they do...” and the irony in this is richer than rich with no. 3, as he was so obsessed with “the truth” that he couldn’t see that he was assuming the truth and creating his own truths all the while ignoring the real truth. my friend said something crucial about him during the relationship, and that was that “he isn’t interested in the truth as he’s already decided for himself what the truth is.”

no. 3 is incapable of true human connection and true love, and i believe that i quickly realized this after the little flags started to pile up. random things from the past became present, and became a part of his narrative. i’m not sure why he chose to see me this way nor paint me this way if he truly wanted to be with me, and why he didn’t want to leave nor fix things - it seemed like he was almost okay with being in this strange limbo, which to this day i don’t understand fully. i understand that these types of people just want to wave a magic wand and have a relationship fully on their terms without truly recognizing what’s going on with themselves and putting in the work, but i just never got that limbo.

i don’t know why i keep trying to understand. maybe it’s in my nature, maybe it’s because i obviously still love him regardless of everything, maybe it’s because i’m so stuck on “fixing”, maybe it’s because i want to know how to protect myself in the future. i think the minute i started noticing the back and forth in the beginning and his sporadic, out-of-nowhere texts, literally telling me he practically loved me, and us making it official one day and him being unsure the next was a low blow and the moment where i should’ve said, no. let’s not date. let’s not continue. because this back and forth wasn’t the first time that kind of behavior happened. 

i can think of a million times at the start where i could’ve left. but the past is the past and no one’s ever been able to change that. i also don’t regret anything that’s happened in my life, nor will i start. but i’m not gonna lie, 

the pain is excruciating, and the disappointment sinks in everyday.

why did he have to do that to me?

[sertralineandcbd]

therapy

after 4-5 weeks of waiting, i finally got to have my therapy session today.

on no. 3

my thoughts are a little jumbled, and i definitely didn’t gain the clarity i gained the last time i went after the breakup. however, it was great to talk about things and get my thoughts and feelings out, and hear what she had to say. she told me that it’s almost like something has buried itself into my brain and is controlling me and almost watching over me with his eyes. 

it was difficult to hear her say that so long as i want to keep that creature there that i will stay in this state (not her words exactly, but something of the sort). it did shine a tiny tiny beam of light on everything though, but overall i do still feel a hell of a lot of apathy and hopelessness.

she asked me if i felt like i didn’t want to be here some days and asked me about suicide ideation and i truthfully told her yes. she does allow me to fully realize that he is the ultimate manipulator and the things he did and said were his responsibility and qualms and i had nothing to really do with it. she told me that the true me was still inside of me and still existed but had gone into hiding.

a lot of my pain comes from feeling hopeless and from adopting a false image of myself, but i know some of it comes from the heartbreak. doing so much for someone, giving so much of myself to someone, and then being left in the dust and being stomped on a couple more times at the end. 

it’s a lot of confusion and distress and i just still have no idea how to stomach it all. people keep talking about time and my therapist talked about myself reappearing again but right now it just seems like words. i’m not discounting the “time” aspect but it seems like such an arbitrary concept that i can’t accept it as a “method.”

i feel as though i have to keep reminding myself who is really really is and that is:

- a manipulator

- someone who doesn’t know what love is

- an abuser

- unaware of who he is and how human relationships work

- s e l f i s h

- someone who will never heal unless he goes to therapy

- i n s e c u r e

- someone that doesn’t have a good grasp of reality

another word i remember using and that my therapist commented on was that i felt like i was “invaded”. i feel like he came into my life and completely stripped away the things i deserved and valued - my job, my sexual expression, my support system, my confidence, a safe haven (a physical home), and my love for my city and the world around me.

but will i keep letting him do so?

[sertralineandcbd]

mad

on no. 3.

this post is just about being mad. yep, just mad. frustrated. irritable. 

i’ve been feeling irritable all day, and i know that’s a big symptom of PTSD but i guess i had never experienced it so prolonged. i haven’t been able to identify why that is - not saying there is always the ability to pinpoint it though.

it’s funny because my thoughts are racing a million miles a minute and i’m finding it extremely frustrating that i can’t type fast enough to get all my thoughts down.

today i’ve been more of the “wrinkle my forehead” in frustration while thinking about past situations. i’m frustrated at the fact that i didn’t say what i know i could say now. i’m frustrated that i didn’t stand up for myself. i’m frustrated that i essentially lost my assertiveness and just pandered to him because i loved him and cared about how he felt. i guess this has made me realize that i need to be in a relationship where i’m not... 

SCARED.

after session with my therapist of explaining the situations for what they were, my therapist straight out said, “...he’s a scary guy,” and i can’t dispute that. i was so scared of him. i was so scared of the fact that he had so much control over how i felt. i was so scared of the fact that i never knew how he’d be. i was so scared of the fact that he’d pick out something i wasn’t aware of and it would turn into catastrophe. i was so scared of the fact that he wouldn’t give me any love or affection that day. i was so scared i was constantly doing something wrong.

all i wanted to do was love him and take care of him. the fact that i said that i was scared of losing him wasn’t out of nowhere. in fact, it was wholly valid. although he would never take up my “out” to leave the relationship and constantly said “either you change or i put up with “it”” (firstly putting the idea in my head that i had to change things that affected our lives and secondly acting like there was an inherent issue in the relationship...i just can’t), he completely emotionally withdrew and deliberately said untrue things like “i’m the most miserable i’ve ever been” to make me feel guilt and pain. after all, who hears that and experiences extreme instability like that with emotions and intimacy and would feel secure with that person???? nobody.

as i reflect on this, it’s not that i feel like i’m myself again nor have i completely gotten rid of my adoption of his supposed perception of me, it’s that i feel confused and angry. i’m confused about how he truly feels of me and i know i’ll never know that, yet i can’t stop caring about it. 

i’ve also been thinking that i don’t know him because he doesn’t know himself. as the relationship got closer to the time we broke up, i noticed he would say things that seemed like things that he bottled up, or his true true projection of his insecurities, and it shocked me. 

i don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t know how to handle emotions. how can i possibly have a life partner who i don’t feel would be a positive father figure for my children? how could i possibly be with someone who i know i’d walk on eggshells with for the rest of my life? how can i be with someone so unaware? how can i be with someone so callous and cold and not compassionate? how can i be with someone who doesn’t grow!?

i remember there was a time where he asked me, what’s a dealbreaker for you (acting like i wasn’t a picky person when it came to relationships -- which is absolutely ludicrous as everyone, even the damn fortune teller i went to, told me i have extremely high/specific standards)? and honestly i didn’t really say much in response. however, a dealbreaker is a man who can’t be a man and put his ego aside. a man who can’t man up and deal with relationships with people and difficult emotions. a man who doesn’t know how to show compassion. 

an insecure man.

[sertralineandcbd]

shooting myself in the foot

this post is about shooting myself in the foot, in many ways.

i just got word from a job status i was waiting on for weeks -- declined. my recruiter said they loved me but the time difference wasn’t going to work. it kind of feels like i shot myself in the foot and lost a great opportunity. would i have gotten the job if i was back home?? the question remains.

just like the multitude of feelings i have about shooting myself in the foot the past year. did i shoot myself in the foot by dating again? did i shoot myself in the foot by putting my true happiness at risk? did i shoot myself in the foot by creating a “there’s no going back” zone for my source of income? did i shoot myself in the foot by giving another person that didn’t deserve it, the benefit of the doubt?

it’s weird because i’ve never been a “what if” kind of person. i’ve always strongly believed that everything happens for a reason. i still wholly believe that, but i’m in this state where i have thought that a handful of times over the past few weeks for obvious reasons. 

i had an interesting conversation with my friend the other day about thinking “what could i have said or done differently” in my relationship with no. 3, and the answer is nothing. there was nothing i should’ve or could’ve actively done different to remedy what occurred.

sometimes i feel “angry” at myself for succumbing to his ideologies about my actions and of myself even though i have taken on his opinions myself at the current moment in some way. i can’t agree with someone who goes back and forth and doesn’t take responsibility for his own thoughts and feelings and words. i can’t agree with someone who decides to perceive a scenario the way they want to perceive it despite discourse and discussion and knowing the latter is true.

e.g. i was able to reflect after one out of three of our main “issues” (which i need to stop describing as an issue, as the issue was the way he chose to treat me because of his perception and his own insecurities and inability to handle emotion) that i did not in fact do anything wrong. even though on an emotional stance i still feel so much pain and guilt, i know that he was twisting a situation to make it seem one way and to fit a narrative he had created of me. i know that i had not done anything that would hurt a regular person nor would be a problem (again, they were not problems) with a normal, compassionate human being.

the accusations and emotional abuse became incessant after i (or maybe HE) unconsciously triggered his insecurities and bruised his ego. he made me feel as though i was unworthy of his love, that i was the sole source of his misery and everyday unhappiness, all while i’d be scrambling with what to do and how to approach him. my trauma (which i practically never brought up, and any mention of it would be called an “excuse”) was used against me a weapon. i felt as though i couldn’t display negative emotions of my own nor was i able to speak about how i felt as he would frame himself as a victim and i would be left feeling like i was throwing myself a pity party.

i started feeling like a stranger in my own body, and left questioning myself all the time... and that’s where i shot myself in the foot.

i began seeing myself through this lens that he had crafted to see me in, and i have a strong and confident feeling that this was developed after weeks of dating. i still see myself through that lens today.

it shocks me when i look back and i hear the things he’s said to me. it shocks me that he could possibly say he wanted to spend the rest of my life with me (during relationship) and that i was the “most amazing person” he’s ever been with (post-breakup) and that he wanted kids and dogs and a house with me, because it certainly didn’t feel that way. it certainly didn’t feel that way when he was making me feel like i was guilty, like i was a terrible person, like i was a liar, like i was a poor girlfriend, like i was unworthy of being in his existence... all while telling me he loved me and stroked my hair in-between those moments.

it was only a week after the breakup that i realized it was emotional abuse to be honest. although i had experienced marks of it in the past, i was so unaware that i could label the relationship that way.

- i was ashamed of my emotions

- my self-esteem deteriorated

- i felt controlled and like i had to constantly prove myself and my worth

- he demanded that i name exact times and situations when i tried to discuss things and when unable to, it was dismissed

- my feelings and thoughts were invalidated and constantly “wrong”

- he was wildly unpredictable

- he would making contradictory statements

- i was made to feel guilt and shame

- i was given the silent treatment and punished through affection withholding

- he was condescending, sarcastic, and rude at a few points in the relationship

- i felt isolated from my friends, male and female

- he accused me of being unfaithful (emotionally/flirting)

- he criticized my friends and assumed many things about my relationships with my friends (female and male)

MY PERCEPTION OF THE SITUATIONS WERE DISTORTED

i think what hurts me the most is that he ended up telling me I “gaslighted” him and threw all of this back in my face because i got so hurt and tired of everything over the phone and told someone who was unstable, insecure, and unaware of themselves that they were “blowing these situations out of proportion” which, i should and shall stick to believing as everyone i have ever spoken to agrees with that notion, including my therapist. he used my one phrase that i’ve ever said “”””against”””” him in the relationship despite me always taking blame and saying sorry and crying the entire time, to frame me as an uncaring, cold, callous person, despite being that himself.

and now, i’m just in a zone of disappointment. disappointment mainly of him, because unlike no. 2 he was ENTIRELY unable to reflect on himself, but also a little bit of me, because i feel as though i put myself in this situation in some way.

#emotional abuse #heartbreak #relationship #abuse

[sertralineandcbd]

blast from the past

so i came across something interestingly jarring tonight. i say “interestingly” because it wasn’t necessarily a trigger nor was it negative in the slightest, but it made me feel strange.

after me and my no. 2 broke up, he had a hard time dealing with the effects of that (as did I to an extent, of course), as he came to many realizations during and after our relationship about himself. him being him, he was erratic and would go back and forth between bombarding me about giving him more chances and harassing me and calling me names over email. it became a bit traumatizing to wake up and check my email, wondering what i’d receive from him that day. eventually i had to change my email (note to all: keep your business email and personal email separate). he also sent me a couple of things through the mail, which felt extremely invasive as that was my home and i lived alone, and i felt invaded.

one of the things he had sent me was a record i had sent him at the very start of our relationship. it was a record (ballads by the john coltrane quartet) that was extremely meaningful to me -- i went out and specifically bought it for him because i had wanted to share the joys of that album and how it was something that complement me getting out of my 2-year long depressive period as a teenager. he had sent it back to me with a couple of post-it notes that read:

1. dear x, i just wanted to say thank you for showing me what love is. you’re the most amazing woman i’ve ever met.

2. you said this got you through hard times before and i know i made things harder than they should’ve been. not trying to upset you with memories as you move on. just thought it may help.

3. PS - therapy is going great. taking your advice and avoiding females for a long time to focus on myself. thanks again for lessons you’ve taught me.

when i first received those post-it notes, i was obviously in a state of avoidance and “disgust” as he had just harassed me back and forth to the point of me feeling paranoia and invasiveness, so i quickly scanned them and threw them out. coming across them almost a year later, i feel relief and thankfulness. i feel relief because i contributed to the life of somebody else who i felt truly needed it and that my suffering during that year and a half wasn’t completely for nothing. i feel thankfulness because he became more self-aware and acknowledged what i was trying to convey and say that whole time.

another thing i came across was one of the last emails he had ever sent me (until he resorted to harassing me on PayPal... but we won’t get into that). to reiterate, he was an addict, which means he was consistently in a non-sober state for years.

he writes, 

“so after trying a bit of reflecting tonight while sober I got to say wow... You were right... I really have a lot of issues from toxic past relationships that manifested from past experiences, developed into insecurities that ranged from

- being unable to support my partner when they have problems or concerns, because when women in my past relationships had issues or concerns they didn’t want support they wanted answer or results and if i didn’t solve them asap they would hurt me emotionally or physically. 

- That fear of letting women down included baggage like never being able to be fully honest with my partner because i felt if she knew everything about me and there was one or two parts of me i thought she wouldn’t like that she’d say its over and leave me.

You can imagine the intensity of the (face palm emoji) as I reflected and realized the reality of those situations. looking back i could have just been honest and you wouldn’t of judged me or looked down on me cuz it wasn’t a big deal cuz i was being honest about and avoiding the stress and confusion of lies.

Seriously. My bad. I totally thought i had to be perfect in every way you saw me cuz if i wasn’t that. you’d leave. Boy was I wrong. It’s the exact opposite (face palm emoji).

I’m honestly ashamed of myself and I’m sorry I made this last week so hard during my sad/confusing/regret stages. My mom was 100% right you have an insane amount of patience. You really really tried and I return the favor by giving you a bad time at the end of it and making it harder. Smooth move x (face palm emoji).

As I sat there replaying the situations with the unnecessary white lifes and how emotionless my wall defense that popped up during fights fueled by an insecurity of looking emotionally weak to my partner. Which I now see is ok, I didn’t have to be hostile in fear of looking emotionally weak to you cuz you weren’t gonna hurt me for being emotionally weak you’d have probably admired it instead. I’m kind of in shock because you called it out so long ago and I brushed it off then. I must’ve sounded so stupid when I told you “none of the girls I’ve dated have suggested i need therapy or carry baggage.” it’s because they all needed it themself and couldn’t spot my issues/were probably compounding theirs onto me.

So yeah I’m really sorry you’re right I really have some issues that carried over from past, I didn’t realize how many there were until now. Anyways I just wanted to share that and say I’m so so sorry. Seriously .....my bad. x made Mondays at 4 my spot weekly. Basically thank you for being patient. I’ve only been in toxic relationships so I really didn’t know how a healthy relationship works (something else I’m going be learning about during therapy)

On top of my emotional issues you were even nice enough to help me with my. mismanaged finances (face palm emoji) ugh you really want above and beyond for my blind ass (sad face) i really sad here for like an hour like... dam x. da heck is wrong with you...

I want you to know that you’re truly a blessing x. I’m sincerely saying that girls like you are 1/10000000000 where I’m from, which makes sense cuz x mental health obviously sucks am I right.”

i cried the whole way through typing that out, but it’s not because i love nor miss him.

it’s because i wish that the message of these words was from the man i truly love, no. 3. i don’t care about being right, i just wish he was self-aware enough to see some of the things no. 2 ended up seeing. but no, it wasn’t him that made change and was compassionate in his heart enough to see the impact and the pain that i suffered. he is a selfish man, and it seems like it will take him a little longer to realize things.

the disappointment i feel is unmatchable. 

#relationships

[sertralineandcbd]

"i feel bad, and it’s your fault”

every time i’ve thought about starting a little blog of sorts i’ve taken a step back and thought, “maybe not.” 

writing about the past two-three years with the weight of what just happened is painful, taxing, and stressful, but perhaps necessary. i wasn’t sure what to title this first post, but i decided upon “i feel bad, and it’s your fault,” not to purely refer to the relationships that i got out of (key phrase: got out of), but to refer to turbulent and unhealthy relationships in general.

the last few years have taught me a lot about men, relationships, and love. it’s taught me that age is even less of a factor in behavior and perspective than i thought. when people are exposed to transgenerational trauma, childhood trauma, attachment issues, and an unfortunate destruction of self-worth throughout life, it results in an inability to maintain and construct a healthy relationship with others.

let me take a moment to note: this post will be disorganized and rambly, but i’ll try and stick to this intro topic/overview.

some background about my experiences and what drove me to start this blog -- my last three relationships (out of five) have been with emotional abusers and individuals who are unable to maintain and foster a healthy relationship. although i say this, my compassion remains - an “emotional abuser” is not who they are, and surely not who they want to be, but rather an unfortunate component of who they are for others.

to summarize:

1. a textbook narcissist (NPD) - grandiose sense of self-importance, arrogant, self-deception and distortion, THRIVES off admiration, exploits others without guilt and shame, frequently demeans and belittles others.

2. a meth addict/alcoholic - warped perception of reality, intergenerational trauma, emotional stress from loss of custody of son, childhood trauma, deceiver

3. possibly the most covertly insecure individual i’ve ever met - emotional withdrawing, silent treatment, EGGSHELLS, deep seated insecurities, lack of empathy, untrusting, hot and cold, demanding, gaslighting, trauma bond

but also,

1. a hyper-independent business man - hardworking, independent, charming, funny

2. a “free-spirit” that stays strong against “the man” - free-thinker, funny, charming, complicated, opinionated

3. someone that i will love, forever - affectionate, loving, complicated, funny, driven, honest (to others, but not himself)

elaborating on the title of this post, “i feel bad, and it’s your fault” -- emotional abuse is characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma. it involves power imbalance, gaslighting, bullying, and interpersonal and psychological aggression.

this blog will talk about the many different types and situations of emotional abuse and abuse in relationships. not all emotionally abusive relationships are directly described with the previous paragraph -- for example, a relationship with a narcissist is more nuanced and specific, as narcissistic partners have complete difficultly even loving another as they don’t truly love themselves (in fact, they are the most miserable people on the planet as they have such poor self-worth). narcissists are so focused on themselves that they only see their partner in terms of how they fill their needs. 

now, this post isn’t about narcissism, but we’ll get to that in another post, another time. 

why did i stay in these relationships?

i give people the benefit of the doubt (to an extreme), and i have issues of my own. i’m a fixer, i am co-dependent, i am much too dedicated to my romantic partners and neglect myself and what i want and need. this is something i’m still identifying and learning about myself -- why i have ended up in this pattern of choosing abusive partners and what i can do about it.

for now, i choose recovering, learning, living - for myself and not for the vignette of what a person potentially is.

#relationships #emotional abuse #trauma #pain #hurt #heartbreak