sgkjd

[sgkjd]

nothing in this burial honours me

your grief does my body no good

i never wanted a ceremony to preserve

a body that no longer holds me

the only peace i want is in bare dirt

the only heaven i know is a forest

allow my gravestone to be the trees

allow memories to be all that remain

[sgkjd]

that particular emptiness that comes with not being able to have the things you desire...

#i think im just probably in my 'everything is boring' adhd phase #; words generated by me

[sgkjd]

have created a playlist of my safe / all time favorite / most listened to songs and i'm afraid i'll stay in this bubble forever</3

#why haven't i done this before #i cannot listen to anything else anymore #; words generated by me

[sgkjd]

i think lately i'm realizing something big. i think i do feel love and i do feel sexual attraction, so to say. it doesn't mean i'm not aromantic or not asexual though. i still very much find the labels useful. because the way i experience those feelings is so fundamentally different from the average human and what you see in hollywood movies that saying i'm aroace does give the right direction to help others understand how i perceive feelings of love etc. but in the end i feel like it's more so my autism that influences the processing behind being attracted to someone/something, what i find hot and sexy, what's sexually stimulating for me etc.

#this realization might seem like nothing but it's just a game of phrasing #like when my therapist said to me #'why are you always saying you don't feel things i think you actually do from the way you articulate about them #it's just that you're making a really long detour to comprehend them #and I was like omg exactly i do feel things it's just that this whole chain until you get to 'knowing what you feel' is broken for me #like it doesn't reach my brain soon enough #i need to do it manually #my brain is so fucking interesting ngl #; words generated by me #actually autistic #audhd #asexual #aromantic

[sgkjd]

something i never see anyone talk about is how lonely autism can be. not because we don’t fit in or whatever, but because our love languages are so fundamentally different from the rest of the world.

i won’t always hear it when someone tells me they love me. i won’t always understand it when someone shares a kindness with me. sometimes it hurts to be touched. sometimes i interpret genuine care as mocking or insincere because i’ve been burnt so often, and i have no way of knowing otherwise.

when i spend time in my room engaging in interests i enjoy, but i leave the door open to let my friends come in and out and interrupt as they please, that’s love. when i send someone a long ramble about something i care about, that’s love. when i let someone hug me, that’s love. when i try a food even though it’s not a safe food, because my friend made it and is very proud of it, that’s love. when i take the time to tell you when i need space and that i’ll come back when im able, that’s love.

i don’t think people hear me when i tell them i love them. i don’t know if i can hear others when they say it either. i feel very alone most of the time, like there’s a glass barrier between me and the rest of the world. i can see them mouthing, i love you, i love you, but how can i believe them? they’re nowhere near me. no warmth and no life in it.

#yes..yes..... #exactly....

[sgkjd]

i want to be cool and mysterious but im a chronic oversharer

[sgkjd]

When I was younger and researching the autism diagnosis criteria and symptoms, I thought “oh I couldn’t POSSIBLY be autistic.” Because when I read “takes everything literally” I thought it literally meant EVERYTHING and I was like “I don’t take EVERYTHING literally, just most things!” And I just realized the other day that it didn’t actually mean EVERYTHING and that was an overstatement.

[sgkjd]

ill keep writing about surviving because i don't know what else there is

[sgkjd]

Cannot overstate the panic and dismay I feel when people's responses in a social interaction do not follow the multiple scripts that I have invented and rehearsed in my head prior to the interaction

Suddenly all my preparation is thrown out of the window and I'm having to juggle masking, listening and processing a thousand variables at once

[sgkjd]

a bottom-tier autistic experience is being told throughout your entire childhood that you are just an overthinker when it comes to social situations and later finding out that your friends did, in fact, hate being around you and tried to communicate that through weird little hints

[sgkjd]

[sgkjd]

about to say something mean but i feel like every "male-specific" issue is something that also happens to women its just that a lot of you dont seem to see women as people

[sgkjd]

Committing acts of aromanticism

[sgkjd]

Zola in the sun

[sgkjd]

[sgkjd]

wanted to take a pic but alas never got the chance. was wearing a button up shirt with a tie and my hair is basically a wolfcut rn

with my outfit today and my hair the length it's at now i look like i play in a japanese shoegaze band

[sgkjd]

i think a lot of people would be happier if they viewed labels like homosexual and transgender as social technologies rather than identities

#social technology is a combination of words that i will use regularly from now on