silvermare

[silvermare]

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due to inflation you must answer my riddles five

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BDSM gets a bad rep as like a violent (male) dom pushing the boundaries of a reluctant (female) sub but in my experience it's a lot of subs with wildly elaborate fantasies screaming shit like "PUT MY ASS IN THE CHILI" while a new dom is like "Okay I think, we are reaching yellow for me,"

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you sit down at the plastic table because your partner likes being outside at the bar even though it’s 90 degrees and 60% humidity at 10pm and you thought this corduroy dress was soooo cute but now youre all sweaty and so one of your balls has escaped your panties but youre wearing fishnets so your loose nut is now dying like a sea turtle in a six pack ring and youre the desperate diver trying to save it but blind and one handed and stone faced cause you can’t draw attention to the fact that youre doing a high stakes wildlife rescue on your stupid scrotum in public because it might turn into a six month news cycle and desantis might fly out to personally bulldoze the bar. and its a thursday

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"Horny for a living wage"

Seen in Anchorage, Alaska

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Here’s a thing about antisemitism.

Right now, a popular post I made about religion is being reposted by a dark subset of people who are literally asserting that all Jews are reptilian overlords, baby killers, ritual child murderers, satan worshipers, and animal abusers. Some are literally saying things like “we need to have a holy war to cleanse these people.” I have reported and blocked over 100 accounts for this, and I’ve seen their bios, their profile pics, and their pages. And here’s the thing.

They’re right wing, and they’re left wing. They’re men, and women, and trans, and nonbinary. Some have their preferred pronouns in their header, and some have deus vult or 14/88. They will have a post about meaningful gun reform right before a post about killing Jews for blood libel. Which it turns out people definitely still believe in today. They are from America and Germany, but also Ireland and Kazakstan, dozens of countries. They have swatzika tattoos, and cross tattoos, and bisexual pride flag tattoos. They are white, but they are also black, asian, latinx, mixed race. They are Evangelical, they are Catholic, they are atheists, they are all religions. They are all ages. They share the same viral posts you share, they laugh at the same memes you laugh at (although they do have a strange love of frogs). They work manual labor jobs in rural areas, driving trucks, but they also wear suits and live in the city and work in politics. They are diverse. They are “woke.”

I’m just so disgusted by what I’ve seen today.

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but seriously what if a druid got turned into a swan and failed the perception check

Friend:

I just imagine the drinks menu. "So, what's in the 'Red, Fizzing Drink?'" "Drink it and find out? You probably won't turn into a duck unless you do."

Me:

please make sure one of your D&D games adds this

and then they turn into a swan

…..and get +3 damage for the hour they're a swan

but they don't know that

.….unless they nat20 the perception roll

and if they crit fail, they don't know they're a swan

they think they're still a human, but they have been cursed to shortness and a lack of speaking

#writing prompt #dnd #d&d #shitpost

[silvermare]

(lol i sent too soon)

Me, continued:

now my brain is running through the iterations of nat20/crit fail for the various classes

barbarian is easy

fail? sad himbo nat20? obviously a strength based class such as that one would succeed in perceiving the +3 to attack

but like. a rogue. a rogue that got turned into a swan for an hour.

<friend> write the fanfiction i can't figure out how that would go

WHAT IF A DRUID GOT TURNED INTO A SWAN AND CRIT FAILED THE PERCEPTION CHECK

Friend:

"Honk?" said the rogue, for what seemed like the dozenth time. In reality it was somewhere between the third and 78th, but that was the last thing on anyone's mind.

"I said, 'can you pick it or not'? It's not my fault you don't have hands." said the barbarian, losing patience rapidly, "I always said your policy of drink first and ask questions never would bite you…"

He trailed off as a sharp peck from the rogue caught him in a particularly vulnerable bit of orcflesh. "I SAID BITE YOU, NOT BITE ME. PICK THE LOCK."

The rogue glared in as angry a way as he could muster without a mouth or eyelids, before returning to aimlessly pecking at the complex iron mechanism before him. "Honk."

"Fine," said the wizard, stepping forward and preparing a scroll of Knock, "but this is the last time. And next time I pick which drink you get. And it will be poison."

(posted with consent from friend)

Friend:

I just imagine the drinks menu. "So, what's in the 'Red, Fizzing Drink?'" "Drink it and find out? You probably won't turn into a duck unless you do."

Me:

please make sure one of your D&D games adds this

and then they turn into a swan

…..and get +3 damage for the hour they're a swan

but they don't know that

.….unless they nat20 the perception roll

and if they crit fail, they don't know they're a swan

they think they're still a human, but they have been cursed to shortness and a lack of speaking

#dnd #d&d #shitpost #writing prompt

[silvermare]

Friend:

I just imagine the drinks menu. "So, what's in the 'Red, Fizzing Drink?'" "Drink it and find out? You probably won't turn into a duck unless you do."

Me:

please make sure one of your D&D games adds this

and then they turn into a swan

…..and get +3 damage for the hour they're a swan

but they don't know that

.….unless they nat20 the perception roll

and if they crit fail, they don't know they're a swan

they think they're still a human, but they have been cursed to shortness and a lack of speaking

#writing prompt #dnd #d&d #shitpost

[silvermare]

Bothering the beast

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I'm down the rabbit hole of Pennyworth fan theories on reddit (leave me alone, it's research) and found an absolutely hilarious take about the ending that dropping an atomic bomb on London wouldn't have any major consequences because they "didn't even aim at Parliament, just 10 Downing Street," and it's like, buddy.

I know Pennyworth takes a gruesome loony-toons-esque approach to violence sometimes, but if you drop a nuclear bomb on 10 Downing Street, Parliament is absolutely in the blast radius. That shit's gone.

Also lol, I forgot that in Gotham, Miami gets nuked, which is the explanation for why Florida is like that. Like, yeah. Sure, I'll headcanon that as the origins of Florida Man.

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Has this one made it to tumblr yet

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Yeah, I’d watch Muppets Lord of the Rings

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i need “Happier than a necromancer in a natural history museum” to become a known phrase immediately