smoothpavement

[smoothpavement]

Sometimes I just sit and think about how deep down I am very sad but I also don’t know why. Mental health is the most difficult thing to comprehend. When you spend a majority of your time alone, you don’t know what to expect or how you will feel most of the time. I want to be able to talk to people but I’m so afraid to share how I feel and what I’m feeling at any given moment because I have a fear of being judged for something I have no control over. How do I gain control or I guess you could say lose control, or give up control so that I may feel free again?

[smoothpavement]

Hi if you find yourself relating to any of my content please interact by commenting and following me. This will help me become more interactive as well as posting more. I am currently in a better space in my life but of course we know how mental illness can wax and wane throughout time. But as previously stated interact with me I will respond back and try to post more.

[smoothpavement]

With today being Christmas I don’t know how to feel. Missing someone you love around the holidays is just hard and it seems to never get better. I have cried my tears of sadness but now what?

#holiday depression #im cryin #missing my dad

[smoothpavement]

all my friends out there having a good time and im just here trying not to kill myself

[smoothpavement]

Back to being depressed again. Really wish death would just come to my door sooner.

I’m ready.

[smoothpavement]

I see tumblr is where all the depressed people go. Guess I’m finally home. Outside of this app I should really consider taking medications because my next attempt will probably be successful.

#depressing shit #sadness

[smoothpavement]

Today while scrolling through tiktok a beautiful young woman came across my for you page. She had created a slide from the moment she graduated nursing school and everything that she had hoped for had come true. She had gotten the job, then her dream job, she had gotten the husband, the beautiful home with land, her dream car and she stated that she was indeed happy. And I just look at how even though I know she probably went through some tough times she at least had something to show for it. I graduated from nursing school and just became depressed and suicidal. But I guess that’s just how the stupid ass cookie crumbles. I’m so happy for her…. I just wish it was me too.

#other people happiness #depressing shit #wishing for another life #wishful thinking #viralpage

[smoothpavement]

I never imagined I would be depressed and go through it alone like I have.

#sad thoughts #sadness #depressing shit #drepression #hopelessness

[smoothpavement]

Today is just another day of me hoping and wishing that something greater will come.

I’m honestly just tired and want this moment in time to just end but it won’t. I’m fighting for my life and wanting to give up all in the same breathe.

I hate that I wake up wishing that I just would t have woken up.

Greater later? Probably not.

#greaterlater #sadness #hopelessness #i wish i was better

[smoothpavement]

I am so tired of my mental health being a problem. I don’t know what else to do. I truly want to be happy. I truly want to not cry and be able to see the good in life but it’s so hard. Every time I feel like I am headed in the right direction I blink and then I’m lost. I know one day enough is going to be enough and I’ll finally give up but I just want everyone to know that I have been trying for so long. It’s nobody fault but my own that I feel the way I do. I have felt this way since I was a little girl and it has only been the grace of god and my family and friends that have pulled me away from the ledge just as I was about to jump. I swear I feel like I’m the only one in my immediate family that suffers from mental health issues and I probably would not believe it if they told me that I was not alone. I feel like hopelessness has to be less painful that wanted to feel better and be better.

#mental health #hopelessness #trying not to cry

[smoothpavement]

One step in the right direction still always feel like a slip and fall in the opposite direction. I just want to not be depressed anymore. I wish I knew what it took to get this saddest out of my life. Everyone in a while I have a small spirt of happiness and then I find something else to make me sad again. I’m tired of being alone be I don’t deserve anyone right now. Not someone that is happy and living live in there purpose. I would only be a nuisance to them and only rain on their parade of joy. Taking my life is still an option but I still don’t know why I haven’t did it yet. I guess I’m not completely hopeless yet. Or maybe I just don’t want to embarrass myself if I fail. I have always felt like the odd ball or the embarrassment of any crowd that I am in whether it’s friends or family. I just wish I had the gut to make what I think would make me feel better happen. I also think that I am scared that I am going to make a mistake or that how I feel is all a mistake.

[smoothpavement]

Today I finally found out that I will be starting work on Monday. Honestly, I can’t be happy about the news because it is too late to make sure that my bills stay caught up and my account doesn’t go into the negative. I really hate asking for help especially because I know my family has their own bills to pay. I should be more responsible with money and should not have to ask them for money when I have been so frivolous with mine. I chose to spend money on weed and liquor to numb my pain instead of work Uber Eats and Instacart while I look for a job. I am truly a disappointment to myself and to everyone that wants the best for me. I am really sitting here trying to think back to a time where I was truly proud of myself and the decisions that I made. I wasn’t proud of myself when I graduated from nursing school because I know that I barely made it through the program. I wasn’t proud when I passed my NCLEX because I had to take every single question and the board probably just felt pity for me and saw that I had passed the LVN NCLEX. I really wish I had a friend that I could truly talk to about my problems or even a friend that was constantly checking on me and uplifting me and making sure I kept going. Everyone that I think is my friend don’t ever reach out to me and that’s ok, but it does not help my mental health. I literally pray for death because I literally serve no purpose being here. I am a waste of space, and a constant reminder of what failure looks like. I truly pray that by 30 this will be over with and if it’s not I think I’m just going to have to make it happen on my own.

[smoothpavement]

Can my time on earth please end? I didn’t asked to be here and the worst place to be is somewhere you don’t want to be. I try to smile and pretend like everything is ok but it’s not. I’m not ok.

[smoothpavement]

Would anybody even care if I ended it right here and right now? My mom would probably be upset and my baby brother would probably be heart broken. I never realized how money could affect your mental health when you don’t have it. I feel so bad for homeless people because imagine you have nothing or never have enough for it to be something. I would be addicted to drug too if I were them because having hope is just too expensive.

[smoothpavement]

As I sit in my hot Jeep in the September heat. I wish the heat would just put me to sleep and my body would slow down and I would no longer exist. I’m tired of living a life with no worth. I have no purpose so why even be here. I’m sure that eventually my phone will overheat and my body will soon follow.

[smoothpavement]

Depression will eat you alive.

[smoothpavement]

When I die no one will remember me or the things I did.