#& if our perception is really that off then i mean that'd be the answer. there's something so severely wrong with our brain that we both

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

I guess maybe cause we have a lot of the same issues & he was around recently before I started fronting, but I think about Loki a lot sometimes, n how drastically he changed during the time he was co-host.

How desperate for connection n approval he is, when like me he's also just. On a different wavelength than most people around us. Never could figure out the problem but he used to be so much more likely than the rest of us to try n take interest in other people's interests, to go out of his way to do things for em, but somehow just mostly got it wrong n was met with criticism instead. Or ignored, but that's also what happened when he (at least as far as we could tell) got it right. I'd get it if it caused more work for the people instead of being helpful, but it was always useless at worst?

Like idk maybe him pointing out the things came off as him...expecting praise for some very basic or low effort things he did or something? But it was never about that, he just wanted to be seen. He was just as if not more content seeing people even a little bit happy about it than he was being thanked. He just wanted the connection.

He burnt out n stopped trying pretty fast. He doesn't do things for others anymore. He might, if he's directly asked to n given enough info that he trusts he won't fuck it up somehow, but it goes to the absolute bottom of his priorities. He doesn't try to strike up conversation, definitely not about things he's not into but the other person at least was at some point. Just...doesn't try to connect. His life's on a parallel line to anyone else's n sometimes there might be a brief, coincidental overlap but it doesn't mean much anymore.

I more or less started out from that point. Maybe that's partially where this constant fucking feeling of isolation came from. I don't like being asked to do anything. I'm hyperaware of being ignored n what kinda topics that happens with. I face everything n everyone with the assumption they don't care about anythin I have to say unless it's in (the right kinda) response to what they're saying, though even then I need to learn to cut it off at one or two sentences. It's supposed to be a reply, not a conversation. That when people speak to me they want to talk to me, not with me. Acknowledge it to show you're listening n invested but don't take up time. Which...funnily enough is exactly what Val's always told me. I kinda hate how my ADHD tendency to ramble still gets out of hand all the damn time n I only catch it when it's too late, n how my natural way of processing things is by talkin about em.

I mean. I'm assuming there's gotta be somethin that I'm reading wrong in the situations. Somethin that makes what I say or do weird n I guess off-putting. It's not a new problem, it's (part of) why we never had that many friends n when we did they usually got sick of us after a couple of years. But no one will tell us what it is n after over 20 years of tryin to crack it we're just fucking tired. I know it's some kinda personality disorder + neurotype + trauma combo but it just doesn't feel worth it try anymore when it takes so fucking much energy to try n get it right just for the Russian roulette of havin either a genuine interaction or a new step in my downward spiral. I just got no way to know which one it's gonna be til it happens n a lot of the time I end up wishing I didn't take the risk. I'm too fucking fragile for it.

#with the exception of the partner system. in loki's case especially B in my case especially herald #like i know the feeling of disconnect n being somehow Inherently Different than everyone else is a trauma symptom #especially common with like. childhood emotional neglect #so it's probably not entirely reality based at this point #but for whatever reason it's like....sometime around the time cloud or loki started fronting it started gettin worse n worse #i know it's a schema or some shit but it's. constantly getting reaffirmed instead of us working through it #& i know it's somethin we should talk about in therapy more in depth but whenever we try we choke up so bad we can't make a sound #especially cause anytime we try to talk about it to anyone else than the bf we're pretty much told our perception must be wrong somehow #n it's not like i'm tryin to put blame on anyone or say it's some kinda intentional conspiracy against us? #the only common denominator is us so why would we try to pin it on someone else? #& if our perception is really that off then i mean that'd be the answer. there's something so severely wrong with our brain that we both #repeatedly don't see or hear it when we're being responded to and hallucinate people talkin when they actually don't #which i'm pretty sure would mean we need to be on antipsychotics like asap #this btw is an open invitation to let us know if we are legit reacting to interactions no one else can see or hear #cause the most i'm aware of is the way i sometimes ask people if they said somethin cause i thought i heard someone talk #n that's very much not it. but idk. it's kinda hellish to be an extrovert in a brain that's broken in this specific way. #spdrvent

[liesmyth]

Hey noticed you're from Italy. I might be moving there soon to study abroad. As a noticably queer American you think I would be okay? I think I will but peeps in my family are concerned about the conservatives. I really want to go cuz it's Italy and awesome but I would like my existence to not be an issue. My peeps are also concerned about the political climate but it seems almost every country is leaning more far right. I'm sorry if this is offensive in any way I mean this in the utmost respectful and curious way. Thank you!

You'd be okay! The longer answer is that some parts of the country and more backwards than others, but as I'm assuming you'd be moving to a city / university town, you'll be fine, especially as a US American. Depending on where you end up, you might get stared at, but in a similar way that a young person who looks "visibly counter-culture" might get stared at vs. getting heckled on the streets for existing.

Feel free to reach out even in private and lmk where you're going! I can definitely put you in touch with local queer groups.

TLDR I don't think Italy is particularly worse off than many western European countries about queer people existing. Our very specific brand of relating to queerness and diversity in general IS unique to the italian cultural landscape and I expanded on it below if you're interested, but you'll be fine.

the even longer answer including some institution / study abroad specific stuff:

The Thing to keep in mind mostly is that Italy is like 10 years behind in terms of popular cultural awareness of social #discourse topics compared to the English-speaking parts of the Western world. That pertains to queer issues as well as feminism and public perception of institutional racism and patriarchy.

This IS a problem because the average Italian doesn't get that some issues are even a thing and will feel personally called out when faced with something that'd make them reconsider their worldview. BUT it also means that there's very little public polarisation about the same issues compared to the US - to put it bluntly, the fact that your average bigot doesn't think often about queerness means they're less likely to be determined to denounce it or see it as a huge widespread social problem.

Like, you might (probably would) get a raised eyebrow or a polite "are you lost" for walking into the "visibly wrong" restroom, even at a university; you won't get any public debacles about how using the wrong restroom is a scourge on society. Basically, being queer in Italy means you will often be perceived as an individual and not a part of a category, which sucks if you're trying to get married, but it means less cultural polarization. Nobody is waiting for you at the gate with pitchforks ready to throw hands, not because they're inherently good people or prejudice-free; they haven't unpacked those prejudices enough to be reeling about it, unlike it might be the case in more conservative areas of the US.

Also, I feel like individually Italians like to think of ourselves as "good people" (italiani brava gente TM). Again, means most people will react defensively when faced with an argument about social privilege because it's a topic they've likely never encountered and they don't want to unpack that. But the average Italian WILL be mildly receptive when faced with a reality they haven't considered because most people here would never want to think of themselves as bigot.

re: existing while queer, in addition to the above

based on anecdotal & personal experience, the queer categories that usually have it worse in terms of "being "existing visibly" and getting flack for it are: gay men making out in public; femme-looking men; trans women who present as women and don't "pass" as cis

The latter is because of associations in Italy that transwomen = prostitution and it will translate to getting propositioned in gross ways; the former is your average "ew fags" that could swing between weirded outstares to "do that at HOME" comments in public

Average frequency of above shit happening, again from a "big city know many gays and we talk about it" point of view, is that it's rare but definitely multiple times a year. Let's say every couple of months

gnc women and lesbians have it easier in that people forget non-straight cis women exist

if you're preferred pronouns don't match your gender (such as he/him AFAB or similar) expect it to be an uphill battle in having to correct people A LOT bc it's a mildly foreign concept to your average non-online Italian - we're getting there. Likewise, if you're a trans guy but your presentation isn't very masc, you'll have to correct people often early on.

Also based on personal experience: most people who are being dicks on purpose WILL back off when called out and most bystanders will be on your side. Straight up tell people if they're being impolite and maybe they'll listen.

In terms of studying abroad!

wrt to university administration, teachers etc. you WILL have to gently hold the hand of any school administration if you don't want to be addressed by your birth name or have to explain the concept of being nonbinary to them. Different institutions are at different levels of Awareness, but they'd listen

This is what I meant by "especially as an american." Italian universities LOVE americans. The last thing they want is you going back to your home institution and saying they weren't accomodating.

However! Italian bureaucracy is notoriously inflexible; I promise you it's not personal - they're not necessarily ignoring your chosen name because you're queer, they're doing it for the same reason it took my friend 2 years to have his last name changed to included his mum's surname as well as his dad's

We also literally discovered gender-neutral language at a mainstream level 2 years ago, so it's baby steps.

My whole spiel about how we are a Few Years Behind applies also to the student population; you might have to explain some concepts that to you are well-known to your peers who have 0 idea.

I hope this helps! It's EXTREMELY comprehensive and probs I'm making things look more complicated than they'd be. I don't think Italy is much worse or better than a lot of other places

Again feel free to hmu anytime, on or off anon!

#Anonymous #ask #italian tag #MUTUALIANI PLS JUMP IN

[astro-pioneer]

Purple Cloud Glasses 『Shinsou x Reader』

In honour of my tired self. Here's some fluff to angst (:

The most iconic thing about you were the cloud sunglasses you always wore. You had multiple pairs, as proven by the different colours that changed every day. Cloud shape with raindrops attached with chains. Shinsou always liked the purple pair you owned.

His liked your quirk too.

Sleep powder, it was called. You could produce it from any body part and works when inhaled. You failed the entrance exam due to that. Kind of like him. You two bonded over that when you first conversed in 1-C. Well, more like you flicked some at him due to seeing his eye bags and he passed out for a minute, but who needs specifics?

"Hey, Shinsou," you muttered while turning to him, the pink raindrops swinging lightly before resting on your cheeks, "did anyone offer you anything? I know internships are only for the hero courses, but I heard Eraserhead mention how the entrance exam was irrational during your fight with the green sheep. Plus, Midnight came up to me." He blinked. Who was the green sheep? It took him a second before he wanted to smack himself. He only had one fight.

Shinsou raised an eyebrow at you. "You mean Midoriya? But yeah, he came up to me. Why, wondering if he asked the same thing Midnight did?" A few seconds pass with no response. "(L/N)?"

You blinked, "Hm? Oh, yeah. She told me that the place we'll be practicing will be occupied by another teaching and someone else from here so I assumed you due to your quirk." Shinsou sometimes hated how perceptive you were. His distasteful face did all the talking. You grinned, "Good. I won't be alone then."

Dorm life with you was fine. You were mindful of others, him especially. Your music and television were never too loud, if you spoke it was never at a volume for anyone to hear what you're saying. He liked having you as a neighbour. But, it was when he studied with you and saw you finally relaxed and more yourself that you two really connected to one another.

He was told to just walk right in when he was ready, so that's what he did. The sky blue glasses that you wore today found their place on the display shelves that held all the other pairs. "Can I have one?" You didn't even look up.

"When I'm dead, sure. Choose a pair." Shinsou looked at them all. You had multiple colours, some even the same but different shades. He trailed his eyes to the row of purple glasses you had, trying on every pair before choosing the shade in the middle. Keeping them on, he turned to you for your opinion. "I don't have to look at you to know that you look nice," you muttered smoothly.

He choked.

That incident set back the studying for a few minutes before Shinsou moved over to you. Music played quietly in the background as you helped each other with the math homework from that day. "I'm Jared, 19..." You caught his attention, making him look up and watch as you stared deadly at the problem you were confused on.

"And I'm Michael with a B. You gotta simplify it first, dumbass."

He realized he hasn't seen or heard from you in a while after the third day. He voiced his concerns to the homeroom teacher but all they did was dodge the question by mentioning something coming up. It was suspicious, so Shinsou decided to try to find answers himself. The first place he tried was, obviously, your dorm room.

It was locked. You never lock it due to him.

He decided that, during the weekend, he'll stop by your house to see if you're there. Yes, good plan, he mentally applauded himself. That never happened though.

During the evening of Friday, five days after he made his plan to visit your house, he got a knock on his door. The only person who even bothered him was you, but you've been gone the whole week. A small ray of hope shone in his head; what if it was you and you just had a family emergency? That was his thought process as he lifted himself up and off his bed and to the door.

Nothing but a small rectangular box was outside his door. A small tag reading 'Shinsou' on the front was neatly put on the top. He was even more suspicious of the whole situation, as that was your handwriting. Cautiously, he picked it up and placed it on his desk, taking the note that was under the tag first.

Hey, Shinsou. Seeing as though you're reading this, it seems as though something has happened to me. Before I tell what, I just want you to know that you were always my favourite person. Always was, always will be. Now, the explanation: I was diagnosed with juvenile Huntington's disease when I was four. Since I got it so young, the symptoms were worse than they would've been with someone who got it when they were in their 30s. I'm sorry from keeping this from you.

I was removed from school after a big drop of my performance happened. It was then revealed how badly the symptoms had gotten, too. However, I don't want to give my whole life story on this small sheet of paper. I want to say sorry. Sorry for getting so attached to you and allowing you to become attached to me. I do not regret being your friend, I just wish I didn't have to leave you.

The last part of the note was written by your guardian.

Our house will always be open to you, Shinsou. From how (Y/N) talked about you, I could tell you would've been introduced to me as someone more than a friend. Please, do visit if you like and can. I'd love to get to know you at the same level (Y/N) did.

Shinsou couldn't even finish reading the note, the tears that pooled in his eyes blurring his view. After reading that, he knew what was in the box. He didn't want to open it, as that'd confirm what the note implied. But he did anyway.

Sitting in the padded interior was a pair of purple sunglasses shaped like a cloud with raindrops attached to the bottom with chains. He choked out a sob when he slid them on.

#۝ mars #bnha x reader #mha x reader #hitoshi shinsou x reader #shinsou x reader #✎ expedition