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thoughts-full-of-sand · 4 years

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mess

Its been a mess for a while. A huge mess I've been trying to sort out for years, but the every time I get the feeling that I got close to untangling it, something happens and i realize a whole new part of that mess that i didn't see before. I won't write about how I got here because i can't be fucked. Right now I am dealing with knots i thought i figured out, some that i never could and a whole new knot that is intertwining with the first one. well actually all of my knots intertwine with the one i thought i got and i made me belive that once i solve it it will all untangle, which i still belive it will its just....a mess. lets start with the one i never got i guess. knot 1. The obligation. this knot has been there since i could remember. School, Uni (Unies), motivation, procrastination. Basically things my ADD directly impacts. Oddly enough, the intertwining knot i mentioned erlier helped me a lot in managing this one. I had to learn to siphon every once of will i have to work on it if i can't untangle it i will at least do my absolute best trying to do so, and i will untangle every small part i can or even force it open till i can have a way through even if its a tight one. That doesnt make dealing with it any easier though, just makes me put mire effort. With being at the end of a trimester, and the overwhelming fear that this is my last chance. If i fail again I am done. knot 2. The life goal. This is the important one. The one that got me trying again after i gave up. Its the love of my life. My life goal. My only real friend. The only one i truly loved. The only thing that made me experience true happiness. The only thing i was ever willing to fight for. The one i share every thing with, even this post I write knowing well i will share it with them even though i will not censor or coat any thing i need to get of my chest. Them being all those things made me feel like i found the thing that will make me happy, and all i gotta do is get them. live with them. go through it together, and how fortunate i am that they love me back, but ofcourse nothing is that easy. i met them at a time i was a total wreck, and because of living in denial of my horrible metal state I couldn't deal with their mental illness after we found out they have their own big knot to tangle. Enter BPD. The more i learn about it the scarier it gets. The more i ask the mire daunting it seems. "Dont bother" they told me. and for a dreaded may i listened for a bit. and that was the most painful thing i went through. As hard as it was for me I knew it was 10 times harder for them. the answer seemed simple after a bit, "as long as they seek treatment and i learn how to deal with it and support them we will have the life we want some day" I thought, honestly still makes perfect sense. the issue was saying that after i had already hurt them by listening to them, they took it in a bad way (along with a lot of other things, most of them rightfully so). Eventually i could not bare it anymore. I had to mend things and my only condition was treatment and i was promised that it would be the case once its available. Okay all good now, i will have to deal with it until they're ready and able to get treated. Welllll here is where i thought i got it. months and months after with my love for them growing by the day. after a lot of tough spots in our individual life, until a recent incident that happend in their life due to a very bad mental state led to them being taken away from my for a month. my mental health deteriorated horribly without them, and i had to not only endure the one person i care about being taken away, I also had to hide it from my family, maintain knot 1 as best i could and deal with my severe anxiety that sky rocketed from the lack of info. After they came back we were both at a new low when it came to mental fortitude. I had lost control over my anxiety, and they had lost control over their BPD. The thing with both those illnesses is that the worse you feel the worse they get. For them every thing gets either black or white when it reaches this point, and for me i always thought of the black. My mind would say "if they dont assure me then they dont love me as much" and knowing that its irrational i keep it in and keep keeping it in, until i break. When I break i ask for assurance, but their mind tells them if they need assurance then they can't see your efforts, and i end up making them upset. they seem to feel hurt. and i feel abandoned in my time of need. It got so bad for both of us that i decided to completely ignore my needs, but sadly ignoring your need for water doesn't make you any less thirsty. I eventually couldn't keep going this way. I needed to learn how to not need this and i have been trying since then and still am. i would spend every day working while i listen to books to help me understand what they go through and how to control my anxiety , and spending time with them. I saw their effort but they didnt think i did. I saw their pain but they didnt think i did. and i was doing every thing i can. The issue wasnet that i believed that there is no effort. The issue was that it wasnet the effort i needed. The effort i needed was the same sort they did. I needed their effort to understand their brain and control it as best they can, and i did every thing i could to hide my need for that. I decided to do my part in stead. I decided to work on understanding my brain and try to deal with it as best i could, because they had a lot more shit to deal and cope with. Only my effort wasnet enough, with how bad my mental state was I just couldn't control my anxiety as much as they needed me to. I needed their support, but i felt like i couldn't ask for it because it would mean that their efforts are not seen by me. and once i started breaking again, I decided that i have to express my need so both of us can talk and understand that we both need to work on the parts that hurt the other, so that we can over come them like we always do. Only to be surprised by them expressing that this is extremely hurtful to them, it seemed to me that they saw me as a selfish. I felt like i all the times i explained how hard it is for me was not heard. I felt guilty for how i made them feel. I felt upset because i felt like my needs and efforts were disregarded. I felt like i shouldnt feel upset because i understand how this would make perfect sense to them. As i try flusterlly to clear out all these misunderstandings and accusations i felt i was receiving, my heart stopped at its tracks when they ask for a break. all those feelings were x10ed. I felt guilty for making them feel this way to the point i wanted to hurt my self. I felt upset because i belived that my needs dont matter to them when they inconvenienc theirs to the point i wanted to punch the wall next me. I felt so bad for feeling upset because i still knew that this is just how their mind made sense of things to cope. And I filt so scared of losing them because they might believe all those things their mind is telling them that I wanted to kill my self before they leave me or before they kill themselves. Along with all these confusions and conflicting thought came a whole new knot. Knot 3. self respect. I never had self respect I never demanded my needs from any one. I only would manipulate them or make them sympathised with me to get them. I am a coward. I won't do that anymore. I have responsibilities that i need to respect and i have needs that i needs and rights that i need to enforce. that i need to That came to mind because of something i noticed. I felt from what they said that their needs and rights matter to them and that made perfect sense to me only i wanted us to meet half way since our needs conflict. I also intruprated some thing they said that my anxiety is ultimately my problem and its my responsibility and i need to deal with it. and both of those things i had no trouble with and made perfect sense to me. So why am i not applying that to me and their side. I should assert my rights and not ignore my needs. Also their BPD is ultimately their problem and they need to deal with it, just like i need to deal with my anxiety so it doesn't hurt the ones i love. I also believe firmly that the best way to go at it is to support and help each other achive those responsibilities. So i agreed to the break so i can work on my anxiety and i expressed that i want them to work on their BPD. but i didnt have the space to have a conversation so i believed i failed at explaining it properly. I was terrified of hoe they would react because i dont know what they might have intruprated what i said and if they take it in a bad way it could lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms, and i was worried at them. but i had to accept the situation as it was and move on. Well, my fear came true, i found out today that they had an OD since they'd turned to drugs to cope. I almost lost them. I almost lost the one thing i care about about. I almost had my biggest nightmare become a reiality. I am now more confused than ever, and i feel powerless. if i just mend things with no discussion and mutual agreement i will eventually start feeling the same way and hurt them again. If i stand my ground with no discussion they may keep interpreting my feeling and words the wrong way and feel even worse and get more reckless because of it. if i just dont talk about it and fix things i will go mad trying to figure out how to control my anxiety at the highest point it has ever been in my life. if i demand they talk i will be breaking our agreement for a break. if i beg they talk i will be going back to the way i always acted. if i take the easy way out i will have given up, and i dont give up aslong as there is any hope. all i can do is wait for them to see the big picture which i cant even expect them to do because i am not even having a chance to share my pov and express why i believe that this is what we need to do. i am tired. and i am stressed. I honestly just wish i could sleep a whole month off or better of die.

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