#BUT under the right circumstances??? i could spiral into justifying myself doing that definitely | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

icequeenjules26 · 5 years

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Maybe you don’t really want me here

Summary: Dan and Phil have been broken up for months, and Dan is over it, he really is! It's just that maybe he possibly isn't over Phil after all...

Word Count: 2,3k

Tags: Angst with a happy ending (but not really tbh)

A/n: My fic written for the @phandomficfests Shuffle mode! I got the Song Why am i like this by Orla Gartland and decided to take the lines maybe you don’t really want me there at your birthday party i’ll be there in the corner, thinking right over every single word of the conversation we just had And do something with it! It's entirely different from the way I usually write, so I really hope you guys like it! Beta’d by the princess @mateusz1912

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This story begins like so many stories do these days - jumping in on the hero in an astonishingly uncomfortable situation. Not that Dan would consider himself a hero, per se. But sometimes, during those late-night session where sleep is nothing but a distinct memory that somehow somewhere had probably played a vital role in his life, he finds himself relating to those gag-worthy postcard sayings of worldly wisdom that under normal circumstances would never even reach him. And those usually say that humans are the heroes of their own story.

Which, generally, is not a bad advice in life. And to a certain degree, Dan even agrees - he doesn’t believe in this big, looming, almighty entity that somehow always pushes all lifes into the direction they want them to. So yes, he does think that the most important presence determining the outcome of his life is himself. But the rest of it - this encouraging, motivational undertone - just rubs him the wrong way. Because life is nothing but a series of disappointments, and then you die. Right?

Once upon a time, he might have thought differently about it. He might have thought that yes, fighting is the way to go; that all those motivational quotes had a point and life deserved a chance of redemption, just like any good villian in a story did. But, just like most redemption arcs, it had failed spectacularly in terms of execution. Now Dan basically tags around out of spite. He wants to kick life in the butt with full force, just so he can say I did it. With nothing but myself.

So, back to the uncomfortable situation we find our hero in. It’s a birthday party. Some of you might stop here, pause for a moment and think - wait. Birthday parties are not that bad. Even the introverts will probably conclude that astonishingly uncomfortable is nothing but a humorous exaggeration to drive the reader in faster. So, an elaboration seems to be in order.

Obviously, it’s not just any birthday party. It’s not the one of his younger brother, who might be a stereotypical facebook vegan (with those ridiculously humourless vegan friends that take everything you say just a tad bit too serious); but still manages to forget all that when it comes to his birthday party and just drinks himself straight into oblivion - no matter if the alcoholic beverage he does it with is actually vegan or not. It’s not Christian’s, either, his best friend with slightly suicidal tendencies (at least if his heart rate inducing favorite activities are anything to go by; like motorcycles and dancing and bungee jumping - all three on the same level of ridiculous suicidalness, in Dan’s book) - even though he is only an ordinary adrenaline junky, or so he says.

It’s not even one Christian simply dragged him along to, one where he doesn’t know anyone and just drinks until there’s nothing on his mind than to have fun with his best friend.

No. It’s worse.

Far worse.

It’s the one of his ex boyfriend, Phil.

Yes, most of you will say now, yes, that does qualify as astonishingly uncomfortable. And it is, at least for Dan, if only because they didn’t part on particularly good terms - but it gets even worse. He’s honestly only here for his best friend, who is something like the adoptive brother of the birthday boy. They do share a good relationship, yes; they love each other like real brothers. But, like in all stories, there is a big, fat BUT coming. Phil’s current girlfriend, Tara, a lively, bubbly girl who probably doesn’t even know about the web of contradictory feelings she is entangled in, is not only Christian’s secret ex, no. She’s also the girl he is still ruthlessly in love with.

(If asked, Christian would just deny it. He’d argue back that Dan is just projecting, that the same goes for him and Phil. But that’s just calumny, nothing else.)

For that reason, and that reason alone, Dan agreed to even attend to this party. Christian has the brotherly obligation to be here, obviously, even if they’re not related by blood; but Dan’s presence is tolerated at best, and he’s at least ninety percent certain Phil would have kicked him right back out the door if it wouldn’t have been for Christian bringing him. He’d seen the question in his eyes when he’d greeted them at the door, the raised eyebrow and the hesitating stance, like wait, what’s he doing here.

They both knew Christian better than this. They both knew that he wouldn’t have brought Dan under normal circumstances, that there was something up with that. Dan is aware of the reason, has spend hours over hours with Christian agonizing over the what if’s. He can’t blame him, though, for the sole fairness of life; Christian had spend at least an equal amount of time with Dan whining over Phil, and he’s his brother. Dan, at least, has the added bonus that he didn’t know Tara particularly well. He liked her, sure, still does; in a sisterly way of wrap her in a blanket and never let her leave the den. She was cute, enthusiastic, happy; the light to Christian’s darkness, a darkness that Phil didn’t have in him and never would.

Tara and Christian just - fit, in a way that Dan never even comprehended… In a way that Christian claims Phil fits with Dan. He’s not too sure of it, and he’s completely over Phil now. Entirely. (And it has nothing to do with the pit of darkness opening up in his stomach at the thought of losing Phil yet again, of going through a breakup at least equally as messy as the last one. He’s not scared. Dan Howell doesn’t even know the word scared. He thinks. Probably. Most definitely.)

Phil knows something’s up, Dan can detect it in the way Phil’s eyes don’t leave him for longer than a few minutes through the whole night. It doesn’t surprise him too much; he had assumed Phil would be cautious, would watch him like a hawk and just wait for him to make a mistake, to reveal why he’s there with a few words mindlessly thrown into a conversation Phil isn’t even a part of.

It was the intensity of his burning looks that hit Dan like a brick wall in the middle of a drive; that caught him off guard and completely ripped him of his focus. They lead him to complete uselessness in the emotional support department, even if Christian could obviously need it. He’s nervous, jumpy and anxious, he shifts every time someone moves and Dan can’t do much more than to sit next to him, offering physical comfort in little touches. Tara has eyes basically solemnly for Christian, and even if the most parts of his muddled mind are occupied with other matters he still notices and makes a mental note to tell Christian about it later,

when they’re not surrounded by people that would soak that information right up.

So, instead of being helpful like he is supposed to Dan just sits in the corner, nursing a strong drink Christian mixed him right at the beginning, debating his current state of existence. It’s obvious that Phil maybe, probably, doesn’t even want him here, but he knows he can’t leave, for Christian’s sake; he is already at the edge of sanity with his best friend there as backup, Dan doesn’t even want to imagine the catastrophic repercussion his departure would probably cause.

All that is left for him to do is pondering over every last thing Phil had ever said to him. He reviews their whole relationship, the breakup; aspects he hasn’t been able to think about for months. It sends him into a spiral, more and more scenes shoving themselves in front of his eyes until all he sees and feels and hears are flashbacks of and with Phil. Christian shakes him out of them approximately five seconds later, but to Dan it feels like eternity spend in his recollection of the past, and he downs the rest of his drink in one go when he snaps out of it.

As we probably all know, alcohol has a habit of making people forget things, so the rest of the night is nothing but a blur to Dan. He thinks he slurs some hurt words to Phil three drinks into it, but he can’t be sure, he only remembers black hair; it could as well have been Christian, who doesn’t remember more either.

The only thing this birthday party does for our hero is opening up wounds he’d long since assumed to be completely dissipated. He’s back to wallowing in some sort feelings synthesis, containing anguish and antagonism and a multiple of others he has no words for, and he doesn’t know how to get back to before everything fell apart all over again. Christian does his best to help, though, so he copes; only breaking down in tears once or twice or ten times.

Time jumps are a vital part to every other story, so this one contains one, too; if only because the next weeks are basically insignificant. We join back to our hero a few months later, at the end of may; where his birthday is edging closer in significant steps and he slowly but surely runs out of ways to justify his moping.

There’s a ring at the door that evening and it catches him entirely by surprise. Christian is still out, in rehearsals with the Royal Ballet, and even though Dan expects him back any minute now he knows it’s not him, simply because Christian has a key and hasn’t forgotten it once in his life. So, really, he doesn’t know who he expects it to be, but when he opens the door and Tara greets him with a smile he’s more than startled.

He asks her in and offers tea, and when she agrees he spends the time he needs to prepare it with contemplating the purpose of her visit. He has no idea what she wants and it makes him anxious and fidgety, even though he knows she’s not a bad or insufferable person and he has nothing to fear from her.

She beats around the bush for a few minutes, clearly uncomfortable, but when she finally spills the metaphorical tea (she doesn’t spill the real tea, thankfully), he’s glad she came to talk to him. She tells him about what’s been going on with her and Phil, that they finally called it quits this morning after basically living past each other for weeks; and his heart beats higher when she comes clear about her feelings towards Christian and Phil’s towards him. She tells him that, really, their relationship was mostly just a try to escape reality: the reality that they were both still in love with their exes. It’s an incredibly entangled situation they’re suddenly finding themselves in, but the solution seems to be too easy to be true.

“I love Christian,” Tara says, looking Dan straight into the eyes, “and Phil loves you. It’s easy, really. All I want to know if those feelings are mutual.”

It takes him a few seconds to wrap his head around everything, but when he does there’s a clarity in his mind that comes as much as a surprise as it does in handy. Truth is that he loves Phil and always had, and as much as he wished it did even the time he spent in denial won’t ever be able to change that; and Christian’s feelings for Tara aren’t even a real secret anymore.

“I never stopped loving Phil,” he tells her in all honesty, “and Christian has accepted the fact that he’ll never love anyone as much as he loves you a long time ago.”

When Christian stepps foot into the flat he’s immediately attacked by Tara, who’s kissing him senseless, while our hero already took off towards his happy ending.

Maybe it’s bad form to spoil the ending - but really, who even thinks things could still go wrong at this point? Sure, it’s definitely too easy, the way their problems are resolving themselves in the end, but, really, Dan has spend enough time in agony and heartbreak to deserve it - a nice, easy way to happiness, no conflict or outright war; at least not anymore. It’ll probably come back to bite him in the ass later, a few years into their relationship, when one of them asks for a marriage the other one doesn’t feel ready for or at all entitled to; but right now that’s nothing to be concerned about.

All that matters is that when Dan arrives at Phil’s place and bears his heart to him Phil is nothing if not empathetic, and when Dan takes the word love into his mouth there’s tears swimming in Phil’s eyes that almost break Dan down right then and there on Phil’s doorstep. It’s probably rushed and precipitated but none of them cares - and is it really when Dan has spend months waiting for this moment, hoping, praying to a god he doesn’t even believe in?

When they kiss it’s like everything has come full circle. There’s metaphors and sayings shooting through Dan’s muddled brain that he would have called romanticised and hyperbolical just seconds ago but now seem nothing but wholesome and fitting; and he feels love and happiness rushing through his veins like a wildfire. He’s warm and content for the first time in months and life’s redemption arc suddenly doesn’t seem so failing anymore.

When the group dynamics between all of them - Dan, Phil, Christian and Tara - fall into place just days afterwards Dan knows they all did the right thing, and suddenly he’s glad he had to suffer through this astonishingly uncomfortable situation. Because it all worked out in the end, and sometimes, things have to get worse before they can get better.

(And if Dan has to retch at this motivational saying it just shows him that in the end, he’s still the same as he was before. Just a bit happier.)

#phan #phanfiction #my writing #phanfic au #i'm not sure what this is but i'm strangely proud

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