#But upon entering a more Jewish context it feels wrong. Because now I'm in the context of a monotheistic religion *I like*.

[some-teeth-in-a-trench-coat]

instinct to be mystical and ungovernable, to deal in the occult, believe a little in every conceivable deity, and make bold claims of being myth myself vs genuine faith in and love for Hashem, King of the universe and my One G-d, and desire to be Jewish and follow Halakha to the best of my abilities, fight

#sfw #personal #ok to reblog #Maws & Judaism #It feels strange because I've been so deep in that tumblr culture and built my identity in that but I genuinely want this above the old #And I recognize now that a lot of what I was interacting with was specifically a rebellion against xianity #Which among other things becomes a rejection of monotheism and it was a beautiful agnostic mess of endless possibilities #And I believe it's anyone's right to thrive in that if that is what they want (and even Jewish people can do it) #But I don't think I want to keep it & it feels so weird because I existed so long in a context where it was the only thing that made sense #and it became part of my identity and I thought it always would be. But there's not much inherently me about it. #It was me because I existed in a context where that was the popular way to be weird and creepy and it appealed to me for that reason. #But upon entering a more Jewish context it feels wrong. Because now I'm in the context of a monotheistic religion *I like*. #And all those things rejecting monotheism or religion just don't make sense anymore. #But they're almost instinct now. So it's like. A whole thing and I need to remind myself like oh yeah that no longer makes sense to say. #tw religion