#Clark isn’t in a cult he swears! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

slytherinbarnes · 3 years

Text

Sub Rosa [97]

xiii. blood giant

Pairing: Bellamy Blake x reader

Word Count: 8.0k

Warnings: blood, fighting, violence, death, angst, language.

Summary: your return to sanctum coincides with a red sun eclipse, making an already stressful situation worse.

a/n: do words about this chapter even need to be said? the taglist for this series is open! I hope you enjoy, please let me know what you think!!!

previous chapter // season masterlist // series masterlist

The tension in the room is so thick that it’s practically suffocating.

Gabriel, Doucette, Cadogan, Bellamy and Raven remove their helmets, all of them looking around the room as they do, their eyes landing on Russell, who is standing next to the throne of bones. Gabriel steps forward a little, smiling a little at his former friend and current adversary. “Russell. What the hell is this?”

Russell stares at him with an angry glare, countering, “Who the hell are you?”

And though you have no idea what’s going on, you know that the man in the front of the room, standing next to a horrifying throne, his body adorned in Grounder clothes, is not Russell. You step forward a little, drawing Gabriel’s eyes back to you, and earning a warning stare from Cadogan. “That's not Russell.”

Confirming your point, the man between Russell and Indra announces, “This is Malachi kom Sangedakru, and you will kneel before him.”

You hear Raven whisper, “Well, I guess we found Sheidheda's code.”

Sheidheda. Not a threat that you expected to arise in your time away from Sanctum. Civil War between Wonkru, Eligius, and the Sanctumites? Sure, very likely. The Children of Gabriel changing their minds and deciding to kill everyone who left them out to die? It’s possible. But the code of a Dark Commander killed over a hundred years ago now taking over the body of your mother’s killer? Not something you were expecting.

Sheidheda seems to be handling his power well, because he looks over all of you with no fear or worry. “Since my Ascension, the protocol has become rather simple really. Kneel...or die.”

You pull a face and Cadogan bristles, stepping away from you and the others to draw closer to the opposing leader. “Ordinarily, I would relish the opportunity to recruit your forces to the cause. But unfortunately, I have neither the time nor patience to suffer your primitive tribalism.”

He holds out his hands and bows his head, giving a silent signal to the hidden disciples in the room to begin shooting. They take out every person in the room that is holding a gun, killing them all without hesitation, before revealing themselves one by one, deactivating their ghost mode. You are hyper aware of at least one missing disciple, still hidden from view, but your mind is distracted from the information when Raven calls out, “Murphy!”

She and Clarke rush towards him, along with Indra, and you try to step closer to them, only to be stopped in place by Doucette. You turn towards him and glare, wondering if you can use your restraints to choke him out before anyone would notice, but you see Bellamy looking at you from the corner of your eye. When you shift your gaze to him, he’s giving you a look, one that says he knows exactly what’s going through your mind and that you better stop considering it. You roll your eyes and turn away from him, catching bits and pieces of the whispered conversation being held by your friends and twin.

“...ray guns I can accept, but that…”

“...Madi's safe with…”

“...Gaia was with you.”

“...safe for now.”

Their conversation is interrupted by Cadogan, who was also eavesdropping, and who is now turning to give commands to the disciples in the room. “Restrain the soldier with him.”

The disciples move towards Indra and Sheidheda, but Clarke steps in front of Indra, trying to protect her. “No, she's with us.”

They take Indra away anyways, ignoring Clarke, and Cadogan watches them take the warrior over to a pole in the room, preparing to tie her up. “She was standing unrestrained by the throne. The only reason she’s not dead is because she was unarmed.”

Sheidheda lets out a yell and starts to run towards Cadogan, intending to attack the cult leader, but the last unseen disciple stops him in his place, shoving a knife into his side. He lets out a grunt of pain as the disciple turns off ghost mode and then drops him, Sheidheda falling to his knees as he clutches his side. Black blood seeps between his fingers as Cadogan points at the microphone nearby and bends down to Sheidheda’s level. “That wound is deep. I have no interest in removing you from your throne, so here's my proposal. You give me undisturbed passage to get what I came for. That means I see not a single soul on our path, and I leave Dr. Santiago here to treat you. When we're gone, you're free to continue the debasement of our species until you're saved like the rest of humanity by the completion of my quest. Refuse this, and you die.”

Sheidheda just lets out a grunt and Bill nods. “Right then. Make the announcement, I don't want to see anyone in our way.”

Sheidheda nods once and reaches for the microphone, and Cadogan rises to his feet and turns in the direction of the exit. “Onward to the Key.”

He walks past all of you, and Bellamy and Doucette move to pass. When you don't follow, one of the disciples shoves you ahead, behind the group of men. Gabriel stays behind to save the Dark Commander and the two of you exchange a look before you are pushed out the door. Murphy, Raven, and Clarke all move behind you, following you through the palace, and Clarke gets close to you and whispers, “I’m gonna get you out of those cuffs.”

You whisper back, “I’m more concerned with getting rid of Cadogan.”

“I’m working on it.”

“Well, work faster.”

A disciple reaches out to shove you again, moving you apart from Clarke and the others as the group steps out into the cool night air, goosebumps immediately lifting across your skin. Cadogan and the others look out on Sanctum, watching as people scurry into their homes and out of sight, following the instructions of Sheidheda, who is repeating a message on the loudspeakers overhead. The Shepherd turns and glances at the castle, a disgusted look passing over his face as he mutters, “A fire burned castle surrounded by a city of garbage dumpsters.”

You turn and look at the castle, realizing for the first time that half of it is burned away. You turn to look at Clarke, your eyes asking a question, but she just shakes her head in that ‘tell you later’ sort of way. Ahead of you, Cadogan continues his musings. “Everywhere human beings go is worse off for it, but thanks to us, we will transcend. Thanks to us, we will reach the promised land.”

Clarke, tired of the man and his ramblings, scoffs, “Oh, for God's sake.”

She pushes past him and walks ahead, moving down the stairs, and Raven scrambles to follow. Cadogan and Doucette begin walking again, and Bellamy waits until you're at his side to continue moving down the stairs behind the others. Murphy catches up with the two of you, reaching out to grab Bellamy’s arm. “Hey, so what's our play here?”

Bellamy speaks for the first time since arriving on the planet, turning to look at Murphy in confusion. “Our play?”

“Don't get me wrong, you look good. Not as good as me, but I know a thing or two about pretending to be something you're not.”

You glance over at Murphy and let out a short laugh before moving your gaze over to your brainwashed fiance. “Unfortunately, he’s not pretending.”

Murphy looks at you in confusion, “What?”

Bellamy adds, “This isn't an act, Murphy, I'm trying to save us all. I don't expect you to understand, just know that I am your friend, and I'm looking out for you.”

Murphy looks at you with wide eyes, waiting for one of you to say ‘just kidding’, but you just give him a look that says ‘I wish it was bullshit too’. Murphy nods once, quickly understanding your meaning, barely glancing at Bellamy as he answers, “That's very reassuring. I'm just gonna…”

He trails off, motioning towards Clarke and Raven before he scurries after them, leaving you and Bellamy behind. You watch him go, so eager to get away from disciple Bellamy, and something about it makes you let out a quiet snort of laughter. Bellamy glances at you, brows drawn together as he takes in your amused expression. “What?”

“Murphy is speechless. You actually stunned Murphy into silence. No comeback, no biting remark, just a hasty retreat.” You give him a look of appreciation before your eyes lock on the back of Clarke’s head. “It’s impressive, really.”

Bellamy says nothing, but you spare another quick glance at him, and you swear you can see the ghost of a smile on his face. It gives you hope, because maybe he isn't lost to you yet, maybe you can bring him back to the side of reason, just like you did when he followed Pike. And as all of you start to stride through Sanctum, you open your mouth to ask a question, snapping it shut again when something wet lands on your cheek. You look up, watching as big white flakes of snow fall on Sanctum, and you smile at it, the first sign of snow you’ve seen in years. Skyring has a pretty mild climate year round, and you missed the beauty of the snow in winter.

You turn to look at Bellamy, but his eyes are locked on the sky, his expression haunted. You reach out and touch his arm, getting his attention, and he shakes his head a little before looking at you and whispering, “It snowed on Etherea. I never thought it’d stop snowing. I thought we were going to die in that cave.”

You shake your head, the few sentences containing so much information for you to process. “Etherea? You were on Etherea? What cave? Wait, and who is ‘we’?”

“Doucette and I. We were on Etherea together.”

You look at the man meant to replace Anders, suddenly understanding all of the looks he seems to throw Bellamy’s way. You turn back to Bellamy, who is watching you closely. “What cave?”

“The Anomaly Stone was at the top of a mountain. There’s a cave on the way, the Cave of Ascent, and-”

He’s cut off by Cadogan's voice firmly calling out, “Hold.”

Clarke stops and turns to look at the man in frustration. “Look, I'm in a hurry. You have my twin and our friends. I would like them back, then to see my daughter. If you want to see yours, the Flame is this way.”

She turns towards the stairs behind her, already walking away, but Cadogan calls out to her retreating figure, “New plan. You go, we'll stay here.”

Clarke turns around, an annoyed look on her face, and Bellamy moves forward a little, trying to step in before Clarke loses her cool. “Sir, you heard her. As long as our friends are out there, she won't risk their lives.”

Cadogan nods, motioning towards you, Raven, and Murphy. “That's why these three are staying with us. Hurry along, Clarke. I don't want to be on this infernal moon a moment longer than I have to.”

She gives you a long look, clearly not wanting to leave you behind, but you smile a little and nod, letting her know you’ll be okay. She hesitates for a second longer, her hand absentmindedly reaching out to touch the star charms that hang around her wrist, before she finally nods, turning to leave and quickly head down the stairs. As soon as she’s out of sight, Murphy throws up his hands and tries to walk away from the group. “Well, what do you say we wait in the tavern instead?”

He makes it less than three steps before a handful of invisible disciples appear in front of him, deactivating their ghost modes, and Murphy clutches his chest in fear as he yells out, “Oh, what the hell!”

You and Raven let out a laugh, his reaction easing the tension for half a minute as you call out, “You get used to it!”

He turns to look at you, completely unconvinced. “Yeah?”

You nod, still smiling, before Cadogan interrupts, motioning towards the others, “Come.”

Doucette and Bellamy start to walk away, following the man, but you hang back, fully intending to sit with Raven and Murphy instead. Unfortunately for you, Cadogan senses that you’re no longer behind him, and without turning around, he calls out, “You too, Miss Griffin! I still don't trust you!”

You give an annoyed look to Raven and Murphy, watching as they step away and move towards a small fire pit, leaving you to go and trudge behind the men in white. Cadogan walks them to the top of the stairs that lead down to the crops and the edge of the shield, looking around with a satisfied smile. “I like this spot. High ground.”

You sigh and step past them, moving down one step before plopping down, leaning against the stairs, looking out at the fields below. You can hear Murphy and Raven already talking quietly, leaving you with the stiff, boring Shepherd and his disciples, all of them standing quietly just behind you. They stand in complete silence, and you sit repeating the mantra you created after speaking with Anders, trying to translate it into Trigedasleng. Ai laik wor, reij belen ona ai… you’re hung up on the word for skin, racking your brain, trying to find something close, when Cadogan interrupts your thoughts, sounding annoyed. “What's taking her so long?”

“She'll be here.”

Cadogan turns to look at Bellamy, noting his confidence in Clarke is mixed with uncertainty in his expression. “I know how hard this is on you, son, believing in something with all your heart that the people you love don't understand. You remind me of myself when I was young.”

The thought makes you want to gag, not liking the idea that your fiance is anything like the crazed man that stands behind you. You turn to glance back at the men as Cadogan glances at Doucette. “Would you excuse us, please?”

“Of course, my Shepherd.”

Cadogan watches him go before he turns back to Bellamy again, speaking as if you aren't sitting right beneath their feet. “Doucette's a good man. He'll make a fine replacement for Anders, but he's not like us.”

You roll your eyes, turning away from Bellamy and Cadogan to look out at the field, sending silent messages to Clarke in the hopes that she can hear you. But you have a hard time concentrating on anything other than Cadogan’s preachy speech, delivered to Bellamy with earnest. “The disciples are taught our ways from birth, they know nothing else. Makes faith easy. We, on the other hand, know the pull of love between individuals, what it makes us do, the highs and lows of it, how it leads to hatred of the other, tribalism.”

You can feel his eyes on the back of your neck, staring at you, his words about you, and Bellamy’s love for you. You ignore him as he continues preaching, “I've spent generations dedicating my life to something greater.”

“Transcendence.”

“Now you know the weight of that too. The path of the prophet is always hard. Your friends will understand eventually.”

No we won't. You love Bellamy, you believe in him, you trust him, but you feel none of that for Cadogan. You see right through his bullshit, the same way you saw through Jaha’s bullshit and Pike’s bullshit. He is nothing more than an egotistical cult leader, obsessed with the idea of being worshipped and saving the human race. You start to wonder if it’s worth the risk to kill him now, even if it means the disciples will kill you immediately after. You wish you had your Grounder knife, lost to you since your confrontation on Bardo, your hand practically itching to push the blade into Cadogan’s chest.

Bellamy’s soft, conflicted voice cuts through your thoughts as he appeals to Cadogan for advice. “You had a family, how did you manage it? I feel like I'm failing both you and them.”

“You're not failing me, Bellamy. Far from it.”

“You are failing me.” You know the words are mean, and one glance at Bellamy’s face confirms that they hurt him, but you can’t help it. You're frustrated that he’s buying into Cadogan’s lies, and you just want him to wake up and stop playing disciple.

Cadogan cuts his eyes at you, but you ignore it as he attempts to reassure Bellamy. “You're special. You were given a glimpse of what comes next, just as I was.”

“They all think I'm crazy.”

“And so we ignore their judgments and we save them anyway.”

Bellamy whispers, “For all mankind.”

Cadogan takes a breath and smiles, repeating the words back to him. You roll your eyes and mutter under your breath, “Joken koken hedswisha seda.”

Fucking crazy cult leader.

“I’m not a cult leader.”

Your eyes go wide and you stand, spinning around to face Cadogan, who seems to understand the Trigedasleng words you just used to insult him. “What did you just say?”

“I’m not a cult leader. Crazy, maybe, but aren't we all?”

You glance over at Bellamy, wondering if he somehow had the time to teach his Shepherd Trig, but he seems just as surprised as you are. You look back over at Cadogan and the smug look on his face. “How do you know Trig?”

He looks like he’s actually going to answer, until he is interrupted by the loudspeakers of Sanctum powering up and beginning an announcement. “Attention, Sanctum. Red sun toxin has been detected. Make your way to your assigned location for evacuation.”

You look at Bellamy in alarm, remembering what happened the last time all of you were exposed to the toxin. Raven and Murphy walk up to you, Doucette behind them, as Murphy jokes, “Time to play another round of ‘Who Wants to Murder Your Friends?’”

“Sir, we should get you back to Bardo.”

Cadogan shakes his head, ignoring Bellamy’s advice. “I'm not going anywhere without the Flame, and for all we know, this is another one of Clarke's tricks.”

“If it is, then it's a good one.” Behind you, you can hear a soft buzzing sound, and curious, you turn to see what it is. The shield over Sanctum that is usually invisible, is now visible to the naked eye, thanks to the thousands of bugs colliding with it, trying to reach all of you down below. You turn to look at the others; you, Murphy, and Bellamy sharing a knowing look based on your first experience with the eclipse. “Bugs.”

All around you, the people of Sanctum have started to scurry from their homes and into their evacuation locations, the P.A. system repeating the warning on a loop. Murphy glances at them as they run past, before turning back to Bellamy. “We should be going with them to Ryker's Keep, or maybe you'd like to drown me again in the pond.”

And as all of you are standing there, waiting for Cadogan to decide on what to do, Sanctum goes dark, punctuated by a chorus of screams. All of the lights, the quiet machine hum, the shield, they all power down, plunging you into darkness before a series of torches are lit by people around you. As you’re able to see the faces of those around you one by one, Raven’s face pulls into one of realization. “Power's out. That means the shield's down.”

You turn to look at the shield, your eyes locking on a strange movement in the sky, seconds before your brain remembers the bugs. The swarm is lowering themselves to the ground, moving towards Sanctum in a wave, and you watch them in fear for a second before calling out, “Guys. We should run.”

Bellamy backs you up, remembering the swarm of bugs from your first night on Sanctum. “She's right, we should go right now.”

“Not without the Key.”

Doucette moves closer to Cadogan, preparing to protect his Shepherd. “I agree with Bellamy. We should execute the hostages and get you home.”

You all look at Doucette in alarm, Bellamy's message lacking anything about an execution, which Murphy comments on. “Well, Bellamy never said that.”

Worried about your possible death, your mind starts to process through your thoughts quickly, trying to think of anything to save your life, before you remember Clarke’s earlier words about wanting to see her daughter. “Clarke heard the alarm too. She'll go for Madi.”

“Yes, right, good. The reactor.”

You look at Murphy in shock. “The reactor? As in the nuclear reactor?”

Murphy grimaces, unable to explain why your niece is in the reactor before Raven adds, “I'll get the power back on and kill the bugs.”

“Before they kill us. Everyone grab a torch!” Bellamy starts to step away, grabbing a torch as he moves, calling out towards your group, “Sir, stay with me. You too, la lune!”

You give him a look at the nickname, not wanting to hear it from disciple Bellamy. Though some of your earlier anger towards him has started to dissipate, you meant it when you said that it was a nickname meant for family, and that as long as he worships Cadogan, he is not your family. But none of that matters, not right now when thousands of toxin crazed bugs are swarming behind all of you, trying to kill you.

Murphy leads all of you to the machine shop built around the reactor, and when you run into the building, you find that bugs are already inside and have already claimed three victims right outside the door of the reactor. Those with the torches use them to push the bugs out of the room and away from all of you, and Bellamy yells, “Scatter them! Get that door closed and seal the windows! The swarm's still outside.”

As they start to lower the door to the garage, a voice calls from just outside, “Wait, hold the door.”

A wave of relief crashes over you as you watch Clarke run inside, a bag slung across her shoulder and a torch in her hand. She immediately locks eyes with you, looking you over and making sure you’re okay as you smile at her. “Clarke!”

Cadogan looks at her with suspicion. “What's in the bag?”

“Antitoxin from the farmhouse.” She pulls the bag off and passes it to Bellamy, who happens to be standing closest to her.

Cadogan deadpans, “For your daughter and twin.”

“Enough for all of us, but, yes, I was thinking of Madi and la lune before you.”

You smile at her, grateful, not too keen to see the ghosts of your past in this moment, but Cadogan ruins the moment by remarking, “Another lesson in the destructiveness of familial love.”

You turn towards him, tired of his preachy attitude. “Destructiveness? That antitoxin is going to keep you from seeing all your regrets playing out in front of you. Maybe you should just go without.”

“La lune…” Bellamy’s voice is a warning, and you turn towards him with an angry look. “I told you not to call me that. And why are you still defending him? ‘The destructiveness of familial love’? How many times has familial saved your life? Octavia’s life? My life? The lives of our people? You can't honestly tell me that you think love is weakness.”

His eyes frantically dart between you and Cadogan, but his expression is unreadable, making you worried that maybe he is lost to you after all. But you never get to find out, because Cadogan steps up beside you and snaps, “Enough, don't make me gag you too.”

You have to physically bite your tongue to hold back your response, your entire body wanting to fight back and put him in his place. But you can see the warning in Clarke’s eyes, telling you not now, not here, so you step back, accepting the antitoxin that Bellamy throws to you as Cadogan turns to your twin. “Do you have the Flame or not?”

You take your dose of the antitoxin as she responds, “If you open this door, I'll give it to you without a fight.”

“All right. Disciple Kelly, the door.”

The disciple steps up and moves towards the door of the reactor, firing a single shot into it, damaging it. Murphy steps towards it first, muttering to all of you, “Let me go in first, I’m the least likely to get attacked.”

You all nod and watch him step inside, you and Clarke waiting just outside of the door until you can hear the soft sounds of happiness from Murphy’s reunion with Emori. You and Clarke exchange a look before she steps inside, in search of Madi, and you stand just outside the door, wanting to follow her, but unsure if you can. You look towards Cadogan, who is standing resolute, before tuning your pleading eyes to Bellamy, hoping they still have some effect on him.

Luckily for you, they do, and he turns to his leader, his voice soft and insistent. “Sir.”

“Fine, go.”

You smile at Bellamy in thanks before turning and stepping through the door, walking around the corner, your eyes already moving past Murphy and Emori. There, a few steps behind them, is your niece, your bright little sun, and her face lights up as she gets a glimpse of you over Clarke’s shoulder. “Ani!”

Your face breaks into a grin as she pulls away from Clarke and runs towards you, wrapping her arms around you in a tight hug. You slip your restrained hands over her shoulders, hugging her back the best you can, relief flooding through you as you look down at Madi. She pulls back and you lift your hand to her cheeks, her eyes landing on the restraints holding your wrists together, and you see a flash of worry cross her features. “Why are you tied up?”

“It’s not important. Are you okay?”

She nods her head, blowing past your concern to focus on her own. “I’m fine, but you aren't.” She reaches up to touch the bruise around your left eye and cheekbone. “What happened?”

The room falls eerily silent around you and you turn to the door to see why, everyone watching in shock as Cadogan steps inside the room. You push Madi backwards, the two of you moving back towards Clarke as you mutter, “He happened.”

And though Cadogan himself did not give you the injuries, his fanatics did, beating you up in defense of their leader. Which means that though it is technically an exaggeration, it isn't a complete falsity. Cadogan crosses the room, over to Clarke, who stands near you and Madi both. You push Madi behind you, putting yourself in front of her, and Clarke puts herself in front of you both. The Shepherd says nothing as he holds his hand out towards Clarke, waiting for his Key.

She reaches into her jacket and hesitantly pulls out the Flame, sliding back the lid on the container just enough so he can see that it’s inside. He takes it with a look of excitement, holding the damaged AI up in his hand as a grin splits his face. “For all mankind.”

Clarke just looks at him until he puts the Flame back in its container and closes it, stepping across the room to stand near the door, Bellamy and Doucette on either side of him. You, Madi, and Clarke back up towards a set of stairs, the two of them lowering themselves down as you stand beside them. The room is tense, everyone unsure of what’s going on or how to act in Cadogan’s presence. Madi gives you and Clarke the quickest summary that she can manage on how all of them ended up hiding in the reactor, and you feel a flash of regret that you weren't here to protect her or keep her safe. Your mind shifts to your curse, the one that plagued you when you first landed on the ground, long forgotten in the chaos since then. But now, standing near the people you love the most, your brainwashed fiance standing across from you, you're suddenly reminded of it again. The curse that takes the people you love away from you, now working in its own creative way: dangling Bellamy just out of your reach.

Madi watches Cadogan across the room, who is back to admiring the damaged Flame, and her voice is low and serious when she whispers, “I don't think you should have given him that.”

You and Clarke exchange a look before you look at her in confusion. “Why?”

“I remember things.”

Clarke looks at her in alarm. “Your sketchbook?”

You know you must have missed something, because you don't understand the importance of Madi’s sketchbook in this conversation, but based on the expression on both Madi’s and Clarke’s faces, you know whatever is in that sketchbook must be a big deal. Clarke confirms as much when she mutters, “Madi, don't tell anyone that, okay? Ever.”

Madi nods and you watch her for a second before you turn to look across the room, over to Bellamy and Cadogan. Cadogan’s eyes are still locked on the Flame, but Bellamy’s are locked on you, watching you closely. You watch him back, searching for any signs of affection in his face, but just like when he followed Pike, his expression is unreadable to you. You sigh and lean your head back against the wall, your hands hanging in front of you, the bar that holds them apart pressing against your body, and you look down at the restraints, tired of being the only one still tied up. The lights in the room come on, reminding you of your genius mechanic friend, who is more than capable of getting you free. You glance over at Clarke and whisper, “I’m gonna go talk to Raven.”

She nods and you slip away, using Cadogan’s focus on his prize to get away unnoticed. You walk into the next room, looking for Raven, but finding no one. Instead, someone steps out of the secondary containment, a blonde haired woman with braids on one side of her head, an Eligius uniform on her body. She barely glances your way as you walk past, and something about the situation raises alarm bells in your head. Worried, you call out, “Raven?”

A soft sob answers your call, and you feel a wave of panic as you rush towards the secondary containment, anxious about what you're going to find. But instead of finding Raven in a pool of blood, bleeding out from some unknown wound, she is kneeling at the base of a machine, knees pulled up to her chest, crying. The sobs that wrack her body are hard, and you look at her with pity as you cross the room, dropping beside her to whisper, “Hey, it’s okay, you’re okay.”

You have no idea why she’s crying, but it doesn't matter, because she clearly just needs someone by her side. She reaches out for you, wrapping her arms around you, and you hug her back as you settle beside her, beginning to softly hum Clair de lune. She cries in your arms, not stopping when Emori, Murphy, and Clarke run into the room, clearly worried about her. Clarke drops down beside you, Emori moves to Raven’s other side, and Murphy kneels in front of her, all of them reaching out and holding her arm or her hand, offering her their comfort.

You don't know how long the five of you sit together before Bellamy comes into the room and lets you know it’s time to go, but it doesn't feel long enough. You don't want to go back out there and join Cadogan, or watch Bellamy follow him around like a lost puppy, but you know you have no other choice. The others know it too, because you all stand, and Raven quickly wipes away her tears as you walk back into the main part of the reactor.

Clarke grabs Madi, and all of you follow Bill back to the castle, prisoners to the cult leader as you await the return of your friends. When you step inside of the throne room behind Cadogan and two disciples, you find Indra pointing a gun at all of you, surrounded by dead disciples. Sheidheda is leaning against a nearby pole, looking weak and drowsy, Jackson is standing in the corner of the room, surveying the scene, and Gabriel is setting up some machine nearby.

As soon as Indra sees Cadogan, she lifts the gun towards him and snaps, “Where is my daughter?”

“Who the hell is your daughter?”

Bellamy moves from his place behind you, stepping into Indra’s line of sight, holding his hands up in surrender. “Indra, hold on. We didn't know she was missing until today. Nobody did. We're gonna get everyone back, but you have to put down the gun.”

You step forward, nodding at Indra, corroborating Bellamy’s story. “It's okay, Indra. He's gonna help us.”

She lowers the gun, and as soon as it’s clear, Gabriel steps forward. “Does that mean you have the Flame?”

Cadogan nods, “I do.”

“I believe I can restore the damaged code with this.” Gabriel turns and motions towards the nearby machine, and you look at him in disbelief. What is with these men and following Cadogan? “It's used to repair memory drives, stitching together broken strings of code. Code, like the Flame itself, that was created by-”

Cadogan cuts him off, saying her name first, “Becca Franko.” Gabriel nods in confirmation and the cult leader mutters, “Show me.”

He passes the Flame to Gabriel, and all of you watch as he loads the tech into the machine. “If Becca's memories are still in here, this will find them.”

The screen comes to life, showing a loading page, letting all of you know that soon Cadogan will have exactly what he wants. Doucette looks at it with a smile and muses, “Now we can start the Last War.”

“It's working.”

But as everyone watches the percentage bar get closer and closer to the end, your eyes shift to Gabriel, confused as to why he’s helping Cadogan, only to find that his entire demeanor has changed. He now looks conflicted, his eyes locked on an empty spot at Cadogan’s side, and he suddenly whispers, “We are. I’m sorry.”

Everyone looks towards him in confusion, not understanding who he’s talking to given the silence in the room, when he suddenly pulls out a gun from his waistband and aims it at the Flame, pulling the trigger and blowing it to pieces before you can even make sense of his movements. You all look towards him in shock as he turns the gun on Cadogan, aiming it at the shocked man before he yells to the disciples around the room, “Helmets off and weapons down, all of you, right now!”

They comply, worried about the risk of losing their Shepherd, and as they disarm and remove their helmets, Gabriel reaches a hand out towards Jackson. “Antitoxin.”

The pieces slide into place as you realize he must have been seeing Josephine, talking to her, until he remembered that she had never been a good voice of reason. As Gabriel takes the antitoxin, Bellamy steps closer to him, trying to plead with him. “Gabriel, we need him to get our friends back, your friends... Echo and Hope too. Now put down the gun.”

Gabriel doesn't waver, his gun still trained on Cadogan, but out of the corner of your eye, you see Doucette growing antsy, eyes darting between Gabriel and his leader. The man makes a split second decision and yells, “Take him!” as he runs at Gabriel. But he makes it less than three steps before a gunshot rings out and Doucette lets out a cry of pain, blood blooming across his white robes. You turn to look in the direction the shot came from, unsurprised to find your twin holding a gun, clearly the one that took Doucette down.

Gabriel nods at her in thanks as Bellamy lets out a loud cry, running towards Doucette and putting his hand over the man’s chest wound. “No! No!”

You feel a rush of pity for him as he loses his friend, but you feel nothing for Doucette himself, unconcerned with his death. Clarke calls your name, and you turn towards her, catching the gun she tosses your way. You immediately turn it on Cadogan, ready to take him out if you need to. Clarke grabs a second gun for herself before turning to Raven. “Raven, fire up the stone. We need to get to our friends.”

Raven pulls a helmet on her head and pulls up the map, calling out to Cadogan, “Which planet? Where are they?”

He looks at her with a smug smile, “It's offline. Only I know the code.”

“He's telling the truth.” Raven pulls the helmet off her head and turns to look at Clarke. “There's one planet we can't get to.”

Pissed, Clarke lifts her gun and turns it on Cadogan, three guns now trained on him. “Enter the code, and you get to live.”

He only hesitates for a second before he moves over to the stone and begins entering the code. When he’s done, a bright green glow erupts in the room, shining over all of you, and Cadogan motions towards it. “There’s your bridge. Go.”

Clarke shakes her head, “You're coming with us, now move.”

Bellamy stands, moving towards Cadogan and Clarke, clearly prepared to go with all of you, but Clarke turns to glare at Bellamy, her voice angry as she snaps, “Not you! You've made your choice.”

You turn to look at her, already prepared to protest. “Clarke-”

“No, la lune. He chose them. He chose Cadogan.”

You hesitate, turning to look at your fiance, and Murphy calls out, “I really hope this new thing you believe in is worth it.”

Bellamy gives him a resolute nod when he answers, “It is.”

The words hit you like a shot to the chest, because even now, at the threat of being left behind by all of you, he still chooses Cadogan. You turn to Clarke, heartbreak evident on your face, silently asking to say your goodbyes. She nods, keeping her weapon trained on Cadogan, allowing you to lower your own. All around you, your friends walk past you, stepping into the green glow at your back. The green glow that you desperately tried to reach to save the man in front of you. The man that now stands in front of you, still on the other side. And everything feels like it’s crashing down around you as you realize that the man in front of you is no longer the man you love. No longer the man that loves you. He’s nothing more than a stranger, your enemy, and his conflicted feelings won't change that.

He gives you a soft look as you close the space between the two of you, your hand already reaching for the ring on your left hand. As you slide it off your finger, you hold it up to him. “When you gave me this ring, you told me that I meant everything to you. You told me that you want to protect me and love me until your last breath. But the man that said those words to me while we were tied up in that cave is gone. The man that’s in front of me now has been willing to torture his best friend, watch his fiance walk around restrained, and his sister be sent to an unknown planet, all without a word of disagreement.”

You reach out and grab his hand, pressing the ring into his palm. “I wish I knew what you went through on Etherea, and I wish I understood why you seem so determined to follow Cadogan. But Bellamy, even if he’s right, even if Transcendence is real, Cadogan should not be the one to deliver us to it. That man is a monster, and we’ve known it since we were on Earth. None of what he’s done is okay, and by following him, you’re condoning his actions. By following him, you’ve become someone I don’t even recognize.”

It feels like your heart is ripping in half as you say the words to him, and it must hurt Bellamy just as much, because you see tears spring to his eyes. You ignore them, pushing past his hurt and reminding yourself of your own hurt, your own anger, not allowing yourself to be swayed by his tears. “I guess Bellamy Blake really did die the day that grenade went off in the Stone Room, because the man that came through the Anomaly from Etherea is not him, is it, Disciple Blake?”

You practically spit the last two words, ignoring the tears that are now spilling down his face and your own. “So much for this lifetime and the next. So much for forever.”

His expression morphs into one of complete heartbreak, and you abruptly turn away from him, unable to stomach the look on his face. Your eyes fall on Clarke, and she nods, encouraging you, letting you know this is the right thing to do. As you move closer to your twin, she reaches out for you, grabbing your free hand, interlacing her fingers with yours. Indra grabs Cadogan and pushes him towards the Anomaly, you and Clarke right behind them. And when you are mere inches away from stepping inside of the green glow, you turn to get one last look at Bellamy, which stops you in your tracks.

Because he now stands near the bone throne, something held in his hands, flipped open to a random page.

Madi’s sketchbook.

And though you don't quite understand the importance of what’s in the sketchbook, you follow Clarke as she pulls you away from the Anomaly and back into the room, calling out to your former fiance, “Belomi... Kof em op gon ai.”

Bellamy, give it to me. Bellamy looks over at her, as the disciples in the room turn towards you, starting to close in. You and Clarke drop each other’s hands and lift your guns, leaving you to turn slightly to your left, away from Bellamy. When Bellamy doesn't close the sketchbook or pass it over, Clarke’s voice gets harder and she snaps, “Kom nau, o ai na rip emo klin. Yu get klin ha e'na bilaik.”

Now, I'll kill them all. You know I will. Bellamy finally turns away from the book, moving his teary eyed gaze towards the two of you. “Madi isn't in danger, I'll make sure of that. I’ll keep her safe.”

“Du na frag em op na gada in chit bilaik emo gaf in, en yu foshou get em klin. Ai nou na teik em na gon daun.”

They will kill her to get what they want, and you know it. I won't let that happen. Bellamy looks at her, tears welling up in his eyes as he shakes his head, his voice cracking with emotion. “I am trying to save us all, Clarke!”

“I'll kill Cadogan. Is that what you want?” He shakes his head, and she raises her voice, “Kof em op gon ai!”

Give it to me! As soon as the words leave her mouth, one of the disciples near you starts to run your way, clearly intending to take one or both of you out. You pull the trigger before he makes it halfway, his body hitting the floor as you turn to look at Bellamy with anxiety. “Give her the damn book, Bellamy!”

He looks at you, his expression pleading, “This is bigger than any of us!”

You turn towards him slightly, locking eyes with him. “We already made Madi a pawn once when we made her the Commander, and I won’t do that to her again! Not after everything she went through with Sheidheda.”

“I’ll keep her safe, but this is important!”

You cut your eyes at Bellamy, shaking your restraints. “What, like you kept me safe?”

You see a look of hurt pass over his face, but you look away when one of the men to your left starts to shift, inching closer, and you step towards him, aiming your gun right at his chest, daring him to make a move. As you do, you can hear Clarke beside you, teary eyed and pleading, “Don't make me do this.”

“You're not gonna shoot me, Clarke.”

You turn to look at her as he says that, noticing that she has now moved her gun from the disciples around her to the man that you still love. Your voice is a soft warning when you whisper, “Clarke, don’t.”

Bellamy nods to the Anomaly behind you, “The bridge will close, you should go.”

“Not without that book.”

Bellamy starts to cry as he looks between you and Clarke, trying to reason with her. “Look at yourself, what you feel right now, the need to protect someone you love so badly you're willing to kill your closest friend, someone you trust, who's telling you that the fate of the entire human race is at stake. All that suffering can end. Madi's suffering too. I have no choice but to share this.”

You and Clarke are both crying now, though you suspect it’s for different reasons. Your anxiety is sky high, squeezing your body and making it feel like your heart is going to burst from your chest. Clarke stares at Bellamy, her voice shaking when she mutters, “I can't let them hurt her.”

“This is how we do better.” He tries to appeal to her using Monty’s words, but they only make her angrier, if anything. He shifts, reaching out to hand the sketchbook to the disciple closest to him. “This is the only way, I'm sorry.”

“Me too.” And as soon as she says it, you’re diving towards Clarke, the words triggering your fight response. You watch her finger pull the trigger as your hands shove against her arms, trying to stop her, and when the gunshot rings out, you swear you feel it rip through your own heart. You can hear it hit Bellamy’s body, and you turn towards him, the gun dropping from your hand as you watch red blood spread across the chest of his white robes at an alarming pace, his body falling towards the floor. You hear a scream, ungodly loud, broken and wailing, your brain unaware that it’s coming from you.

Three more shots ring out but your brain doesn't process it, too busy trying to tell your feet to move. You move closer to him, ignoring Clarke’s voice that is screaming your name, ignoring the disciple that is running towards you, your only focus on Bellamy, and the blood all over his clothes, his body, on the floor. You feel arms wrap around your waist, and Clarke yells in your ear, pulling you backwards, towards the disappearing Anomaly and away from Bellamy. You fight her hard, kicking and screaming and scratching at her the best you can, but she is resolute, determined to get you off of Sanctum, dragging you back into the Anomaly with every ounce of strength she can muster.

You scream again, repeating Bellamy's name like a mantra, watching as he disappears from view, the Anomaly closing around you. You don't stop fighting the entire time you’re in the green glow, trying to process why Clarke would do that, why Clarke would shoot Bellamy. He may be your enemy, he may be on the wrong side of things, but you love him. You may have given him the ring back, but you didn't mean it, oh god you didn't mean it. You just wanted it to be a wake up call to him, a way for him to see the error of his ways. But now Bellamy is dying, bleeding out on the floor, alone, thinking that you don't love him.

Bellamy Blake is dying alone, thinking that no one loves him.

The thought tears your chest open, cracks your heart into pieces as you cry harder, thinking of the blood, all that blood around him. All over his robes and dripping out of his mouth, filling up his lungs and killing him. No one at his side to put pressure on his wounds, or say the Traveler's Blessing, or to just be there for him.

He thinks his sister on another planet hates him, and his best friend who shot him hates him, and his former fiance who gave him back the ring hates him. All his friends and the people that he calls family, angry and hating him. Leaving him to die alone with no one at his side. You thought it was bad enough to see him die in security footage on Bardo. But to see him shot in front of you, by your own twin, your other half, it’s enough to destroy you.

And as Clarke holds you in her arms, sobbing apologies in your ear, you can only think of her one way. Now, she’s just Wanheda.

The Commander of Death, killing everyone in her way, even the man you love.

next chapter

#the 100 #the 100 rewrite #bellamy blake #bellamy blake x reader #bellamy blake fanfiction

75 notes · View notes

chase-the-windandtouch-the-sky · 5 years

Note

Hi! I wish you would write a fic in where Miller finds out about Josephine Clarke and there is a confrontation until Clarke finds a way to give him a message *something only they would know (maybe from their Ark days? Or something she said to him (inside joke about camp or something about one of the Blakes)

*raises my hands to the sky* LET MILLARKE RIIIIIIIIIIIISE This took a bit of a turn to get to the place I wanted it to go, but Millarke ft. Bellamy / Miller angst cool?

He thought he had someone.

Miller’s not an idiot. He knows that the original 100 weren’t a thinganymore. They were too shattered. Raven, Bellamy, and Murphy stood on one side.He and Clarke on another. Octavia was god knows where. But he thought he andClarke were on a side.

Miller always liked Clarke. Sure, when he first met her, he thought shewas too serious and that she was a killjoy that she was infuriating. Clarke wasall these things. But all those things kept him alive. He watched her be kind,be gentle, be heartbroken, put everyone before herself. Make terrible choiceafter terrible choice.

He’s reaches the conclusion a real leader doesn’t want to be a leader.They don’t want that power, they don’t want to make those decisions. But theydo it. Because they love their people and someone has to. They take thatburden.

So when he finds Bellamy on the floor of a Sanctum house and Bellamy isnear inconsolable, all Miller can do is swallow. “No,” he finds himself saying.It isn’t a comfort that he should be giving to Bellamy, but it’s all his brain canhandle. “No, it can’t be.”

“C-Clarke is gone.” Bellamy says, sitting up. “She…”

He can’t finish the sentence.

Miller takes a step back from the man. He knows logically he needs tocontinue to help him, but he finds that even he is struggling to keep standinghimself.

He thought he had someone.

“No,” Miller repeats. “No, you have to be wrong.”

He has to be wrong. He can’t do this by himself. He can’t do this withthe way people look at him, if he doesn’t have someone with him. He can’t dothis.

Clarke’s always been there. Even when she wasn’t, she was a presence inthe back of his mind. When they had landed on the Ground, she was the one whoknew he was more afraid of the impending war than he let on. After all, he wasa thief, not a soldier. She found him sitting by the fire, not wanting to makethe trek to his tent. “Afraid of all thestars in the sky?” She’d asked him, nudging him playfully. When he didn’tanswer, she simply said, “As long asthere are stars, there is light. As long as there is light, there is hope.”

She walked him back to his tent that night, the words as long as there is light, there is hopeplaying in his head.

“Dammit, I’m not wrong,Miller!” Bellamy shouts, slamming his hand against the ground. “You didn’t seewhat we saw in the lab, you didn’t see what they do to nightbloods. They killthem. So they can use their bodies to live forever. You didn’t see—” Bellamy cutshimself off. “I can’t believe I didn’t see it. I can’t believe—”

“I said, no!” Miller shouts,shaking his head as frantically as he feels. “I said no, Clarke is not dead,Clarke survived the death wave. She literally survived something called a Death Wave. She’s not going to be killedby some immortal cult on a moon, which is a sentence I can’t believe that I’msaying!”

Bellamy seems to have regained feeling in his legs, because hestruggles to his feet and stalks over to him. “Stop say that!”

“I can’t believe you’re not!” Miller shouts, getting right up in hisface. He’d been walking on eggshells around Bellamy because he wasn’t sure howlong this forgiveness would last, but right now, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t careat all because he feels an anger he hasn’t felt in a while. “How can you justbelieve that she’s dead? Because you saw a video that someone somewhere died?This is Clarke we’re talking about!”

“I know it’s Clarke!” Bellamy bellows back, right in his face. Hishands reach up and he grips Miller’s collar. Any other instance, Miller mightbe afraid, but he isn’t. He’s furious.“Don’t you think I know? I know it’s Clarke! I know! It’s—” Bellamy swings and slams his hand against the wallnext to his head.

“Then take your head out of your ass and do something about it!” Millershouts. “Because Clarke would not die this way. Clarke is not going to diewithout anyone noticing. Clarke—”

“Is gone.”

The two flinch.

When she walks in, Miller isn’t sure he’d believe it if he wasn’tlooking at her. She is Clarke. Exceptshe’s not. She moving slinkily, eyes raking up and down the two. “You must be,don’t tell me,” The woman with Clarke’s face. “Nathan.”

“Miller.” Miller corrects, eyes wide.

Bellamy lets go of him and takes a precautionary step back, as if he’safraid of her. Miller doesn’t blame him. It’s eerie, the way everything isslightly off.

“What is it with you guys and last names?” The woman sighs. “Seriously,you made my day so much more complicated.”

“I’m sure that sucked for you.” Miller snaps. “Clearly you suck atbeing Clarke, so why don’t you give us her back and you can go on her way.”

The woman peers at him. “Are you all this serious all the time? It’ssuch a buzz kill.”

Listening to her speak like this almost tilts his axis. Her face is softerthan he’s ever seen it, but there’s something malicious brewing underneath.Like a serpent waiting to strike.

“Not all of us have the ability to not give a shit about life, becauseyou’ll just steal the next one.” Miller snaps. He looks at Bellamy, waiting forhim to jump in, but he never does. He simply stands there, frozen, staring atthe woman he’s always loved.

Bellamy never told him. But Miller knows.

The woman laughs, sharp and cold. “Poor guys. Seems like a stressfulway to live.” She takes a step toward her and it takes everything within Miller’swillpower not to recoil from her. “What’s the matter Miller? Afraid of thestars in the sky?”

Miller freezes. “What?”

The woman makes a face. “I would be careful who you tell. Just know we’reholding all the cards.”

As she leaves, Miller can’t feel his hands. He hears Bellamy let out abreath behind him, and then something that sounds like a sob. “She’s not dead.”Miller breathes.

“What?” Bellamy snaps behind him.

“She’s not dead!”

“Miller, I swear, I will hit you—”

Miller turns around, a smile curling on his lips. Shaking his head, hesays, “This isn’t denial, she is alive. As long as there are stars, there is light.As long as there is light, there is hope.”

Bellamy frowns. “What? What does that—”

“We gotta get the others.” Miller says, grabbing his arm and dragginghim forward. “Can’t have Clarke do all the work, can we?”

#the 100 #nathan miller #bellamy blake #josephine lightbourne #millarke #bellarke #season 6 #MY MALLARD BROTH

148 notes · View notes

hawthornewhisperer · 6 years

Text

That slow, roiling boil: emotional pressure and spiraling, and why we’re in for an explosion of bellarke feelings (part one: the Clarke Part)

(This was going to be one giant meta but it got too long, so this half is on Clarke and part II is on Bellamy.)

Out of everything in 506, I was most struck by Bellamy’s slow, gradual unraveling as everything he’s tried to hold onto since he landed started falling into pieces. And along side that, we’ve got Clarke, desperately trying to figure out where she fits in this new world, where everyone-- including herself-- is different. I think these two are hurtling towards an emotional confrontation (momentary break for a prayer circle that I get the Hakeldama 2.0 I’ve always wanted) and I wanna talk about why, but first:

By reading this post you’re entering into a contract with me: if you’re upset about E.cho or be.cho or anything related to that, you’re gonna keep that off this post. There’s nothing wrong with feeling the way you do about her/that pairing, but I disagree and this is not an “argue about be.cho” post, it’s a “here’s what’s happening in canon and what I think about it” post, and I am not responsible for what’s happening in canon. I will be treating be.cho’s relationship as something significant and important to Bellamy and discussing the sex scene, so if you cannot deal with that right now (or ever, which is also fine!), I suggest you nope out of this now.

Okay, so, with that out of the way, let’s talk about Clarke because I think her isolation and stress is a little more obvious and easy to get a handle on. She spent six years waiting to have her people back, terrified that they had all died and she and Madi were all that was left. And then within twelve hours, she discovers that they’re all alive, and by the end of 503 Clarke thinks she has her feet back underneath her. She can tell that things have changed for everyone, but she’s sure they can push past it. One of our first hints of this is her asking about the Arkadians on the ring and Bellamy responding by listing the Grounders instead (aside from poor Ghost!Harper, I guess). Clarke’s concern is still focused with the people she cared the most about six years ago, which makes sense, but for Bellamy, that has entirely changed. Emori and E.cho are just as important to him as Raven and the others, and I don’t think *either* Bellamy or Clarke realized what that tiny exchange signaled, but it was big.

But by 505, I think Clarke has realized that while she and Madi were hunting and fishing and dyeing each other’s hair, everyone else changed, but she’s not quite sure how yet. You see her putting the pieces together slowly, observing Wonkru’s people-eating prayer and gently pointing out how Bellamy has changed. But significantly, she’s holding back from him: he asks how she survived, and she flat out lies to him in response. She’s not sure what’s different about him yet, but she is sure he’s different, and she wants to puzzle that out before dropping the “talking to you was what kept me sane” bomb.

Because while Clarke has changed a lot since Praimfaya, she also hasn’t really changed. Her priorities have shifted and contracted, because for six years keeping Madi alive and safe and happy was her only priority, but people can only change so much. And Clarke Griffin has historically been of the Conceal Don’t Feel school of emotions, particularly Romantic Feelings Of The Hearts And Pants Variety. Bellamy unknowing asks her to reveal the soft, hazy feelings she has for him, and she immediately bails. Like, hilariously fast. She practically made the Roadrunner sound and sped out on a cloud of dust. And this is a Clarke we’ve seen before-- this is Clarke walking away from Finn after Raven lands, a Clarke who can only muster up a “maybe don’t die?” when Le.xa walks into the arena with Roan. Clarke Griffin is a very emotionally intelligent person, but the second she gets gooey Heart Feelings, she decides she’d really rather not and pretends it’s not happening. Niylah is the exception that proves the rule, imo. She cares about Niylah as a friend and is attracted to her, but they are not Romantic and thus it’s much easier for her to be honest with Niylah about her fears that everything changed in the six year separation. In the same way, she was able to be honest with Bellamy in s1-4 because her feelings for him were at best Romantic-Adjacent, and it is not a coincidence that she is suddenly withdrawing from him now.

The Clarke we get in 506 is, quite frankly, the most isolated Clarke we’ve gotten. She can barely finish conversations with Bellamy, almost always because *she* is the one walking away, or panicking, or just plain not up for talking. She manages to be vulnerable with Niylah and then that is immediately taken away from her too, and she’s in a constant fog of worry for Madi. Bellamy automatically includes her in all of his plans, but his focus isn’t on her and she doesn’t really seem to mind (except for one time) because her focus isn’t on him, it’s on the danger Madi is in. She eventually decides to completely bail on the plan Bellamy has orchestrated and just make a run for it with Madi, clearly aware that she might die in the process. I’m of two minds as to whether or not she would have told Bellamy she was leaving if she hadn’t run into him, but I think in the end she wasn’t quite so isolated that she would undertake a possible suicide mission without at least giving him the head’s up. But I also think some of her hesitation in telling him was fear that he wouldn’t stop her, because she doesn’t know where she stands with him and it is clearly tearing her apart inside.

We’ve gotten two reaction shots this season to Clarke seeing Bellamy with E.cho, and both times it stops her cold and she has to force herself to look away. I don’t think it’s jealousy per se, largely because I don’t think Clarke herself would call it that. But there is clearly something that is bothering her, and I think she recognizes that Bellamy’s priorities have shifted drastically. Six years ago, she was the one Bellamy was vowing to protect with his life, swearing to her mother that he wouldn’t let anything happen to her in 412 even though he was really fucking pissed at her. But now it’s E.cho, a woman he hated the last time she really knew him, and quite frankly, a woman I doubt she gave a lot of thought to over the course of their separation. It throws her, and both times she attempts to ignore how much it’s thrown her by focusing on Madi. Because by that point, she’s feeling more isolated than ever. Her mother? Gone. Kane? Gone. Her friends? Angry, distant, or creepily into a murder cult. And the one person who kept her sane for six years? Desperately worried about someone else.

So Clarke does what Clarke prides herself on doing best, and shuts all her feelings off except for the uncomplicated-but-no-less-fierce love she has for Madi. That’s how she could try to steal the bunker and how she could irradiate Mount Weather, and Clarke “Compartmentalization” Griffin is a champ at shutting out inconvenient feelings.

But Bellamy isn’t the only one who’s changed. Clarke has too, and she’s a little bit softer than she used to be, a little bit less able to ignore feelings that make her heart do funny things. She’s still Clarke, but she’s Clarke through a soft-focus lens; the edges that made her Wanheda have been filed off by six years of peace, and it doesn’t come as easily as it once did.

The Big Question of s5 is, aside from “who gets Eden” (no one) and “did the bunker eat people,” (obviously) is “have these characters actually changed?” And six episodes in, the answer is “yes, but mostly no.” They have shifted priorities, and some have gotten softer-- and some, like O, have gotten much harder-- but Clarke is still Clarke, and she is someone who above all else craves human connection. It’s what drove her to seek out Niylah during her exile, and it’s what kept her going before (and after) she found Madi. Clarke is trying desperately to isolate herself from everyone else, because everyone is different and Madi is the safe, easy person to fixate on, but she can’t. Not really. That’s why she tells Bellamy she’s leaving, why she opens up to Niylah, why she goes with Bellamy and E.cho to try and broker a deal.

And right now, those two parts of her-- the part that is driving her to self-isolate and the part that is crying out for deeper human connection-- are in conflict with each other. And the person most likely to trigger the meltdown when she can no longer hold those parts of herself apart?

Bellamy.

Me, barricaded behind a pile of couch cushions wearing a colander as a helmet and brandishing a spatula: please remember the be.cho contract and understand that I will block anyone who breaks it, not because I want to, but because I’m trying real hard to hold onto a fun, safe space for myself and I’m asking you all to honor that. xoxo, hawthornewhisperer.

#bellarke #bellarke meta #t100 rebel spy #that's my becho tag #but it's not a becho meta so it's not going in that tag #you can block me if you'd rather not see this in the bellarke tag that's okay

198 notes · View notes