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endangered-liaison · 4 years

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FFXIVWrite Prompt #11/13: Ultracrepidarian

[This is my fill for the Free Day, going back to Day 11 since I missed that one the first time around!]

A vaguely ominous but jaunty tune plays through your vox. After a moment, a voice, low and raspy, begins to speak.

"Hey. Today I have a Gridanian Emergency Ration, 7AE 2, cold-weather ready. It's pretty heavy, comes in two packs. The main pack weighs 2 ponze exactly, and the accessory pack weighs 1 ponze and 6 onze. Not a lightweight ration, yeah?

"The menu is number two type or whatever the fuck they call it in the Shroud: Peppered Popotoes. Prefer the number one type, that's a dehydrated stew as its main, but beggars can't be choosers or whatever I guess.

"Lemme open this up."

There's the sound of a knife being unsheathed, then a blade cutting through what sounds like a canvas bag or something similar.

"Alright. The main bag has the peppered popotoes main, uh. A bunch of jerky, dunno what meat and I dunno if they want us to know. Might be mutton? Somethin' to eat on the go, good salt content. Peppered popotoes is a no-protein meal so I'd guess the jerky is to compensate for that. The type one menu has dried fruit instead, so that might be an advantage to this menu. Fuckin' love jerky.

"Also got some chocolate, and some oat biscuits. Whole lot of filler. Makes sense, cold weather food's for either Coerthas or Ilsabard. Guerrilla fightin' the Empire or the Temple Knights, lots of food on the go. Just the one meal to sit down and eat.

"Accessory pack might be more interesting."

There's more ripping, cutting noises, then the girl on the vox makes a delighted noise.

"Fuck yeah! See, here's where it gets good. Standard issue Gridanian spoon; pewter. The Garlean ones are better, but, y'know, hard to beat them. These aren't bad though. Better than the Ishgardian ones. Fuckin' teaspoons to eat a meal with.

"And here's where all that weight comes in. Cold weather gear needs a lot of heaters. To melt snow for water, and to heat up their main, y'know? So they've got a fuckin' great fire shard heater unit, I love this design. This design's shared across the whole Alliance. The Ishgardians and the Mhigans have their own, and I dunno what the Domans have since I ain't tried a Doman ration yet, but the three core city-states all use this design. This one's got extra fire shards to replace the first set when they burn out, since you'll be usin' 'em for pretty much everything."

The sounds of something being pulled from the bag, and being pieced together.

"They've got a few light-tinged water shards too. Gives you water if you ain't got any other source, an' purifies snow water real good. I'll admit, these are better than the Garlean method. I fuckin' hate the taste of chlorine, an' these leave it all clean and fresh. Only thing is, if you leave the crystal in there and accidentally swallow it, it'll kill you or make you sick as fuck. So you gotta spoon it outta there, which is hard since it's the colour of water.

"Alright. Let's get this out on to a tray."

There's a cut distortion in the vox feed, before her voice returns.

"Nice. Okay, so. Got the popotoes heatin' up on the burner, an' I'd say it's time to try the jerky. Smells like mutton, looks kinda like it, so we'll see. It didn't have the type listed."

There's the sound of rough jerky being torn through, then chewing noises uncomfortably close to the vox.

Then there's a few seconds of silence.

"I can tell you one thing."

Her voice sounds vaguely pained.

"That definitely fuckin' weren't mutton."

She spits out whatever is left in her mouth, making discomforted noises. "I'll eat near fuckin' anythin', but that just...ugh. Is that diremite meat? Are they fuckin' feedin' their soldiers diremite meat? 'Cuz that's what it tastes like."

She takes another loud bite and chews on it anyway.

What the fuck.

Why.

"Okay." She speaks with her mouth still full. "Popotoes are smellin' pretty good. Actually smell pretty peppery, so that's a plus. Steaming real good, so...probably ready. Got my spoon, and..."

There's more chewing. A humming noise, so close to the vox it distorts over your feed. Ow.

"It...tastes of popotoes, and a little butter. The pepper was all smell. There's no fuckin' flavour to it, they're...bland. This was just a waste of pepper. Helps the smell, but...whatever they did to it to have it keep longer just drained all that flavour. I've had spicier food from Ishgardian menus. An' yeah, today's insult-Isghardian-food day apparently. It's a mess."

She chews on it for a few more seconds, then sighs.

"Yeah, this is useless. If I had this in the field, I'd be tempted to grind up a fire shard as seasoning. Which, again, will kill you. Don't do that, even if it would be tasty."

Who is this woman? More accurately, what is this woman?

"Anyroad. The chocolates and the oat cakes actually won't be shite, so I'm gonna enjoy them while I go through my fanmail from the last moon."

She starts chewing on what you assume to be an oat cake, making happy little mm noises every few moments.

"Got a letter here from a Mister Calldew in Ishgard. He says I'm a tasteless heretic traitor, and a violent goon, and that Halone would be deeply shamed by me if she acknowledged my presence at all. Hah. Thanks! That's sweet.

"Next I've got...oh, one from Limsa. Sergeant Svalwhatever, I don't know Roegadyn names, that's my girlfriend's thing. Blah blah blah, stealing essential supplies from military warehouses, blah blah blah, serious criminal action, blah blah, if we find you we shall arrest you forthwith, blah, Llymlaen curses you.

“To that I say: bitch, if you've got a direct line to Llymlaen, get that watery whore to buy you some better fuckin' locks."

There's a snap and chewing. She evidently just bit down on the chocolate.

"I'm Max1562. See you next moon, when I'll be coming back at you with something new. Or old."

The music fades in to the vague sounds of this strange girl loudly chewing on chocolate and oak cakes, and you begin to wonder if she actually knew anything about what she was talking about.

#ffxivwrite2020 #Max Sawyer #With apologies to Steve1989

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wolveswithhats · 7 years

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Some fast and loose alcohol-related headcanons for my kids, because I was toying with ideas and it got desperately away from me.

Terra: Likes teeth-rotting sugary cocktails and chocolate liqueurs. Because of her esper-side, reacts to alcohol a little weirdly; hits her hard and fast, almost comically so, and lingers, but without much of the loss of mental or physical facilities. Never gets hungover either, so she hits a buzz and just plateaus without the nastier side effects.

Setzer: Refined taste, mostly drinks his alcohol straight. Likes premium scotches, gins and occasionally partakes in absinthe. Has a bar on the Blackjack for his casino customers, stocked with only the highest end liquors.

Edgar: Something of a wine connoisseur, prefers reds. Unlike Setzer, not so much concerned with price or prestige, but quality of fermentation. Likes to sample from local vineyards whenever he visits a new area, then will go out of his way to promote his favorites. He's been quite a boon to tiny, struggling winemakers.

Celes: Can and often does drink the men under the table, and never seems to suffer from hangovers (or just handles them like a champ). Because of her military upbringing, she jogs between the cheap ales and ciders favored by her off-duty soliders at pubs, and wines for more diplomatic affairs (she likes white).

Locke: Bit of an amateur bartender. Crafts monstrosities that are successful more often than not, but strong enough to even knock the yeti on his ass. Setzer once caught him experimenting with the Blackjack's (very pricey) stocked bar and nearly has an aneurysm. When lazy, will default to whatever bottom shelf garbage will get him drunk fastest.

Mog: If that one official art is any indication, he likes him some wine. I can also see him mirroring Terra's preferences, drinking the fruitiest cocktails imaginable. Do pina coladas exist in this universe? If they do, he'd drink them. With tiny umbrellas and all.

Umaro: Is a yeti therefore has no booze preferences, but really is a testament to the prowess of some of Locke's cocktails (which got even more threadbare and creative, post-apocalypse). Got into some, went on a bit of a terrifying mid-air rampage, then passed out in the ravaged remains of one of the Falcon’s sofas.

Relm: She's ten so obviously doesn't drink, but would occasionally sneak sips from Stragos' personal stash to look cool in front of the neighborhood kids, though actually thinks most booze tastes like paint thinner. Locke makes her virgin cocktails so she doesn't feel left out (or have to endure that delicious chemical taste).

Stragos: Probably a much heartier drinker in his youth, though still keeps a selection of vintage spirits and very old wines in a locked cabinet in Thamasa. Doesn't realize that Relm knows how to get into it anyway.

Gau: Once got into Setzer's beloved bar stash, resulting in a Benny Hill-esque series of hijinx trying to wrangle a drunk feral child. No furniture was destroyed, but they were picking poker chips and playing cards out of the couch cushions for weeks after.

Sabin: Not a drinker. I also headcanon him as a vegetarian. Not really related, but I feel bad giving him a big slice of nothing. Sorry, Sabe. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Cyan: I don't imagine him to be very much into alcohol, but possibly drinks sake...? I headcanon him as Japanese (or the FF6-equivalent of Japanese, which is Doman, I guess), but not familiar enough with Japanese history and culture of alcohol to really have anything cemented. Have to do some research, stay tuned. Sorry, Cy.

Shadow: Well he sure does spend a lot of time at bars while his dog menaces other patrons. Does he lift the bottom of his mask, or just slurp right through the fabric? Maybe slips a straw underneath? He's a depressed ninja, probably a lot of whisky, with a side of "leave the bottle."

Gogo: "I'll have what they're having." *ducks thrown objects*

#final fantasy 6 #ff6 #this went from serious to silly to lazy #mostly this is an exercise in raising setzer's blood pressure #i'm sorry i just feel like so many incidents would occur on his beloved airship #that would just stress him out #originally umaro had destroyed a poker table #but then i remembered you don't get him until the wor #so he'd be on the falcon instead #this was dumb but fun #alcohol tw #long post #prayers to broken stone #headcanon

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