#I fully admit that I tend to be contrarian and I don’t like when a character becomes instantly popular | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

incorrect-ikevamp-quotes · 5 years

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Yes I'd love to know your take on all the characters too!

Haha sure thing! Forgive me if this is a bit long, I just wrote whatever first came to mind about each of them! Feel free to let me know what you guys think too, I’m certainly not the end-all-be-all!

Under the cut for length, a continuation of this post:

Number four is our illustrious cad, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. I must admit I haven’t read all that much of his content personally, since I have trouble on a personal level. But given the tangential things I’ve seen and his appearances in other routes, I like the complexity of his character composition. He’s incredibly hedonistic and lives in the moment; he doesn’t seem to care one bit in regards to the potential consequences of his actions, and every second is something to think about as a writer—if he’s not teasing Isaac within a hairsbreadth of a stroke.

In truth, I don’t think that surface level interpretation actually encompasses every facet of who he is. Because he also has remarkable moments of insight and deduction (though wrongly attributed to him because of the Sherlock books), and he does have odd moments of compassion for people/the MC. They ring a little hollow for me, but I can appreciate that he cares in a way that makes sense to him. I think a lot of his behavior speaks to his negligence of self; I have to wonder if his devil-may-care attitude is a means to communicate to others that he doesn’t deserve to be cared for (if he won’t ‘take them seriously’, then neither will they in regards to him, no?).

Granted, I’m sure his route will prove to have equal depth to the ones we’ve seen before, but my own preferences preclude a pretty resolute lack of interest.

Tl;dr: Probably has some level of narrative depth, but given the content I’ve seen he’s a little too aggressive and selfish for me to appreciate or enjoy it. Rated T for possible big trauma/turning point buried underneath all that, as well as big feels when he chooses you by the end.

Also if it’s no trouble, I would like to offer a trigger warning to any who wish to do his route when it does come out. I don’t know if his MS has any traces of assault/molestation, but I have read a few ES’s in which he does things to the MC that she does not seem to want/does not consent to. It was a very unpleasant surprise for me, so I understand if anyone would rather avoid it.

Number five is our sunshine painter, Vincent van Gogh. Needless to say, given that he appears to be a fan favorite, he’s another suitor that’s just so easy to love. He’s sweet and gentle no matter the situation, and has a remarkable ability to lighten a room simply by being there. But don’t let that quiet and shy disposition fool you; he’s actually a lot sharper than he looks.

He’s among my bias favorites, and the reason why is more simple than you’d think. I’m sure I don’t need to explain that he’s incredibly compassionate. He’s always thinking about what he can do to ease people’s hearts, always meets others with warmth and a beaming smile. But he’s not an airhead. He’s not kind because he doesn’t know any other way to be; near every second of it is a choice that he voluntarily makes. There are moments where this strength shines all too true, and he proves he’s much more than a pretty, sweet face. When the stakes rise, he rises with them.

Though—and do forgive me, Vincent—I’m inclined to agree a bit with his brother, Theodorus. He can be a little too yielding to the more negative forces in his life, a little too compassionate towards people that are frankly threatening. But he insists that he’s willing to work hard for his happiness, that he has no intention of waiting for someone to hand it to him—he’s ready to make sacrifices and work. And I think that sentiment, that fortitude after such a difficult life, is what makes him so admirable. He’s not just generous, he’s strong enough to give all that he can and thrive at the same time. He has such a remarkable capacity for hope given everything he’s been through, and it’s something that I love about him—I can’t help but respect it, even if I’m a bit more cynical lmao

Tl;dr: Absolutely the softest and goodest boy I have ever seen in my life, 11/10 would marry and cherish forever—die mad about it Theo. Much more intriguing than what a first glance offers, I invite you to do his route even if you have doubts; I don’t think you’ll be disappointed. I live for his surprising moments of sass and seriousness, and if I’m honest he and his MC seem to have some of the best chemistry in the game because of how directly he addresses any miscommunication/confusion between them. (He also loves hanky panky, as our esteemed Sebastian puts it, so jot that down).

Speaking of, “if anyone so much as looks at Vincent the wrong way I’m killing everyone in this room, including myself”, number seven is Theodorus van Gogh (number six is Isaac in the game’s main story order, but transitioning—you know how it is). I…truly don’t know how to encompass him in a few words, but I’ll do my best!

Everyone’s probably more than aware at this point, but he lives with the single-minded goal of protecting his brother and promoting new talent. A workaholic and fiercely protective of the only family he has left, he tends to be pretty terse and harsh with other people—abrasive. But he has such distinct moments of warmth (even if they’re still coarse as hell), and he gets down to the truth of a situation in milliseconds; wit as sharp as any knife. Unlike his brother, he is totally fine with violence if he deems it warranted, and he has a much harder time granting forgiveness. It goes without saying that he has a much, much harder time sharing what’s in his heart and healing as compared to Vincent.

I think my favorite thing about Theodorus is just how multi-faceted he is. At any given moment his range of emotion or reactivity varies, and I actually think it’s very natural? I think he’s just someone that responds to a situation after carefully measuring just how comfortable he is showing his own cards—and sometimes he reacts without thinking at all because he’s too overwhelmed with emotion to care (unsurprisingly, the opposite of his brother, who’s generally more placid/visibly unresponsive). One wonders—though I think it’s likely the case—whether or not he’s much more expressive by comparison precisely because Vincent was unable to express himself with such unfettered honesty.

Overall, he tends to keep his distance from people. And yet, even if his admiration for someone is a rare thing, when he does admire them he well and truly means it to the core. Equally put, if he loves somebody he loves them with every fiber of his being—to the point where he will give up near everything important to him to preserve their happiness. If I were to describe it in a word, I suppose I would say that he’s incredibly volatile. He lives, to an extent, in extremes; even if he’s still able to see traces of the gray in-betweens. I fully expected to find him and his route forgettable/unpleasant, but he grew on me before I even realized it!

Also just gonna put it out there, his interactions with Vincent are friggen ADORABLE. This big, looming, scowling swagger on legs seconds from tears whenever Vincent looks after him. Or how he hesitates and droops when Vincent scolds him. I just can’t they’re too much! For a guy that calls us dog in the Japanese version of the game he sure follows Vincent like an adorable puppy 😂

Tl;dr: Despite his frigid countenance, he’s a lot more bark than he is bite (yes I did that on purpose, do your worst fangface). Once you dig deeeeep deep under all that acerbic tongue-lashing (not the fun sort, unfortunately) you will find somebody that’s surprisingly soulful, and much kinder than he’ll ever let on. I very rarely know just what to expect from him, and while he can be a bit domineering, his heart is almost always in the right place.

Boomeranging back to number six is our adorable apple and baby of the house, Sir Isaac Newton. I’ve honestly been really happy to see how much love he’s been getting in this first route release for the big three, given that he’s such a sweetheart. Consumed with anxiety and very, very socially awkward; our boy is doing his best despite being big confused a lot. He likes to stick to math and physics where things make sense, and I can’t really blame him. He presumably asked to be given new life to do more studying—and if that doesn’t say anything about how isolated and lonely this man has been, I’m not really sure what does.

He’s also a bit of a mixed bag, like Theo. He seems to have a self-esteem located at the bottom of the Marianna’s Trench; and yet, has oddly courageous moments when he’s trying to help others (most especially Jeanne). While he can appear to be contrarian and bitterly defensive, he’s more brittle and nervous than anything else upon closer inspection. He’s too quiet and painfully shy to involve himself in conversation, to the point where he literally enjoys being teased about apples in the house—because at least he feels like he’s involved/belongs, that way. He’s distant and reserved, but isn’t lacking in warmth or compassion—he just expresses it in roundabout ways (I mean good lord, the boy felt bad waking up his own coachman). It can be hard to describe, but it seems like he’s always battling against his social anxiety—and sometimes it wins, sometimes he does.

I think what I love best about Isaac is how hard he tries, despite it all. Despite everything he’s lost, despite the droves of people that assumed the worst of him in life—he keeps trying, against all hope, to understand and be understood. Even when he’s afraid of being hated, even when he fully expects to fail, he picks himself back up and reaches out—no matter how difficult it is for him. All he ever asks of the MC is to bear with him while he tries to find those answers and meet her halfway, and honestly I think that’s the sweetest thing ever.

Tl;dr: Lost on the path of life but doing his best, all he’s ever really wanted is someone to call friend (girlfriend, if you’re so inclined). A little fragile and a little timid, all he needs is a gentle nudge in the right direction.

Next up, number eight, is the renowned veteran Jeanne D’Arc. Another bias boy (my list is endless for this game, lord) his route is my second favorite right behind Leonardo’s. Superbly written and paced, every moment of romancing him was raw and heartfelt.

Without giving too much away, he is taciturn and reclusive to the extreme—I’m talking hermit levels. But I loved that personally; it makes total sense that a man born literally four hundred years ago is going to be confused and overwhelmed by the level of stimuli present in the turn of the 20th century. And given how, much like Isaac, he has enormous levels of social anxiety—it makes for a very difficult way of life. The other men do their best to accommodate him, but there are other reasons why he avoids getting too close to people, no matter their good intentions (that part is a route spoiler so I’ll leave it to your imagination c:).

I think what I loved best about his route was how much it was about helping each other heal. And while some otomes can fall into trap of MC becoming his therapist (I’m not naming names—Mysme) it doesn’t feel that way at all, at least not to me. Granted, she does a lot to get him out of his shell, but it’s more because she wants to get along with him than some odd belief that he needs her help (also bc of wingmen Mozart and Sebastian—yes it was as amazing as it sounds). Not unlike Leonardo’s route, they both recognize the beauty that dwells deep within each other, and they fall in love without even having to think about it. They become just what the other wants and needs, without even trying—truly as natural as falling.

Which brings me to the other thing I love so, so much about Jeanne: his kindness. Despite everything he’s been through, despite decades filled with loneliness and pain and trauma—he’s no less gentle for it. He’s always putting MC before himself, always telling her to look after herself first and insisting he’s nothing but a nuisance. He treats her with all the tenderness in the world, and even jokes around with her in his moe, silly way. He’s charming and delightful and sweet, even if he can’t see it.

Tl;dr: One of my favorite otome routes to date. Falling in love with him felt as natural and as easy as breathing, and every single time I see him those feelings come rushing back. What he lacks in worldliness, he makes up for in pure passion and fierce consideration for the people he holds close to his heart.

At number nine lies our Monsieur Guillaume, better known as William Shakespeare. Where on earth do I begin with this one, I have no idea. He’s…a wild card to say the least, though a strangely methodical one? Jeanne’s Japanese route only served to confuse me all the more, to say nothing of Vincent’s route. Part of me wonders if he suffers from the narrative confusion that often results from making a suitor a primary antagonist at the same time. (Though I will admit, the fact that he barely even tries in Leonardo’s route bc: 1. Everyone’s terrified of Le Comte’s/Leonardo’s legitimate wrath 2. He deadass says LEONARDO CLOWNS HIMSELF HARD ENOUGH AND MAKES HIMSELF SO MISERABLE HE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE TO TRY. WHAT KIND OF GOD TIER, ACCURATE ROAST. I’m sorry I just needed to come clean about that one, I’ve been laughing about it for years).

From what I understand he only really operates in two modes: extremely obsessive (and violent) or a complete lack of interest. Le Comte explains it much better than I do, but Shakespeare is a bit of a perfectionist; he wants an impeccable performance from a perfect, naturally acting cast. But MC tempers this with the correct analysis that he also has a very, very dark lack of compassion for other people. He truly does seem to have fae blood in that way; created for the sole purpose of dangerous mischief and dissembling. His poetic speech feels a little over the top, but it makes sense that he would speak in a flowery, distracting, and elaborate way if his goal is to keep his distance.

I find it…borderline terrifying that he gets along with Vincent because of the aftermath of Vincent’s trauma. As a result of the eldest van Gogh’s backstory, he tends to be “doll-like.” That is to say, as I mentioned, he very rarely expresses any depth of emotion. Shakespeare states that it lessens his temptation to want to make his life a tragedy like everyone else’s, and I suspect there is a level of envy hidden there. Shakespeare hates seeing other people express themselves openly; especially in terms of hope or love, because it is something he doesn’t feel he can have or because he believes it is fated to end in tragedy (or both?). His reasons seem to get pretty convoluted and can vary given the narrative goal, so I may only be partially correct here.

Tl;dr: If I’m honest, I don’t really feel anything for Shakespeare that’s positive—though I admit I do wonder about his intentions and what his route will amount to (sheer, morbid curiosity lol). I think he may have the potential to be redeemed—given that there are clear mentions of people going wrong from the turning process. But in general I find much of his behavior to be kind of appalling. At least it’s fun to watch le Comte punt kick him around when he’s done horrible things, lol (forgive me Shakespeare-lovers, it’s a bit cathartic for me)

Diez for our favorite (H)osamu Dazai, accomplice and enabler of Arthur’s thottery. He’s much simpler and somehow just as confusing as Shakespeare to get a handle on, and his content is pretty limited, but I’ll do my best to encompass what I understand!

Honestly, I find him a little fascinating in that he truly seems to believe that he’s good at keeping his distance; evading contact with MC, constantly calling her by the wrong name, and teasing her with his dramatic digressions—on the surface level, the implication is there. The game is very subtle about his moments of genuine unrequited feeling and adoration; if you blink it’s easy to miss. When a crisis hits, he uses her given name. When he’s frustrated that she’s not being treated as she deserves, he speaks out. He even tries the whole big brother schtick, though she brushes it aside (he was shooketh). Perhaps the abundance of third person narration makes it easier to tell (than it might be for MC) but I find he’s less convincing than he is stalling/avoiding the truth. Which begs the question. Why is he trying so hard if it seems half-hearted/forced?

The possibilities are, admittedly, myriad. My best guess is that he yearns for company even if he avoids/fears the commitment. I imagine a big part of his route will be getting him to accept the concept of companionship—no matter how much the idea scares him. I find it a little ironic, though, that for a man so desperate to die he says it wasn’t as fun as he thought it might be. Are the limitations his mental illness placed on him among his considerable regrets, enough that he felt compelled to try again in a new life? Only time will tell, I suppose.

Tl;dr: A little scatter-brained and a lot flighty, he’s lacking in conviction but not in compassion—and he may be a lot sharper than he first lets on. Rife with some sort of emotional/mental hardships, be prepared for a long, difficult ride if he’s among your favorites! It makes me wonder if MC will be reason enough for him to find meaning and peace in life for once, not unlike Jeanne’s rt. A girl can hope~

Ah yes, we arrive at another deeply beloved bias, Le Comte de Saint-Germain. I very much doubt there are words to encompass how much I love this man, but I will do my very best for your sake—and for his (it’s what he deserves).

Le Comte is a mystery to all but Leonardo, it would appear; right down to his alias. And in intriguing accordance with that fact, he is at times the epitome of a genteel nobleman—until he’s ready to unleash a flagrant can of whoopass to protect people. I think what I love best about him is that he’s quite literally a walking contradiction, in many senses of the word. He’s a gentleman with the heart of a punk/delinquent, only civil until a dispute carries too far. Saint Germain is the definition of a brittle character (something I have always been incredibly fond of in stories); I can never quite get a read on him. My best guess would be to say that while he’s patient, he’s also unpredictable. It’s not always clear how affected he’ll be by something or what he’s feeling. But when it becomes too much for him to bury within, you better believe everyone in a five mile radius can feel the aftermath. You’ll all come to understand what I mean, hopefully, but it’s the precise reason Leonardo becomes friends with le Comte—and why he continues to fascinate me.

And as odd as it sounds, I love how simple he is too, to some extent? No matter how convoluted the specifics of a situation get or blame is thrown around, he always cuts to the core of the issue—and doesn’t let anyone sidetrack that. He’s cautious, but not entirely incapable of being forthright; just choosy about when, where, and how. Which begs the question. Why does he always hold back so distinctly with MC? Side stories in the Japanese version suggest some very deeply rooted, agonizing fear that makes him avoid getting close to her no matter how much he likes her. I have theories, but nothing solid quite yet. All I know for now is that he is slightly shady, very benevolent, and a whole lot lonely.

Tl;dr: He’s literally the definition of the meme “aren’t you tired of being nice? don’t you just wanna go apeshit.“ Works to be gentle and understanding, but the second he deems somebody has gone too far he will act with surprising, swift, and deadly vehemence. He’s very sweet and surprisingly possessive/direct about his affections—though he often plays it off like a joke. I always find it funny though, when some of the residents—especially Arthur/Shakespeare—know they’ve gone too far and they just look up to his dark, saccharine smile like FUCK. 11/10 I’ve been waiting centuries for this man Cybird, pls set me free And last, but certainly not least, we have our distinguished butler, Sebastian. I love this big ol' nerd but can't deny that he does me a bit of a frighten. He can do...literally anything on the domestic front, and frankly its a bit alarming 😂😂

Just as the little question mark next to his description as stoic indicates, he goes for the whole unruffled English butler vibe and nails it for the most part. He's even got the witty banter down! But he's also pretty direct and unapologetic about his love for historical figures--and the stalkerish lengths he'll go to to observe them all. (I mean come on, this fool literally overshares about himself in milliseconds if you let him). Granted I can't fault the man for doing what makes him happy. Like Isaac, I just have to resist the urge to gently shove him into a locker sometimes lmaoAs for his romantic potential, I think the possibilities really range. From what little I've seen, I think he might be a bit like Mozart? He seems very unaccustomed to social interaction--and given his backstory he was more interested in books and people long dead than the ones beside him. He also has a bit of that fastidiousness to him, a bit stern and awkward despite moments of warmth. I think he can be more preoccupied with cutting straight to the truth sometimes than he is about figuring out how a person needs to be spoken to (re: what is tact?). And that's charming in it's own way, though the result can be hilarious inadvertent moments of callousness--quite literally photo taken seconds before disaster lmfao. (I think my favorite instance of this was when he was trying to reassure MC once and totally fucks it up, only to see her start panicking and go "Oh shit, I stepped on a verbal landmine, didn't I" and then Comte comes to the rescue) Tl;dr: Honestly, I think he'll be a really cute love interest even if I am all about the vampires in the game. He's his own kind of genius, even if he doesn't see it, and deserves just as many hugs! And I think he severely underestimates how sexy it is for a man to willingly share in the responsibilities required of a household. Get you a man as capable and sharp as Sebas LOL

#asks #as you can see i need sleep and a life #but i hope you enjoyed my rambles all the same!!#i love this game and i love how much the characters surprise/delight me!#so many good babies (both trash and pure alike I'm not picky LOL)#lord i cant wait for jeanne to come out in english yall my heart was shattered in the most beautiful way #to say nothing of the cute little gothic motif thrown in #and ik comte's route will be the end of life as i know it #im on bought time #crybird will not have mercy im sure #pray for me lovelies

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deehollowaywrites · 4 years

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Title: Doomed to Fail: The Incredibly Loud History of Doom, Sludge, and Post-Metal

Author: J.J. Anselmi

Release: February 11, 2020

Genre: music, nonfiction, memoir

Order here!

When I first heard Metallica’s “Battery,” I knew I’d found the real shit, J.J. Anselmi’s newest states in an early chapter. The social alienation, the depression, the anger, and the preoccupation with death: it was the music I needed, right when I needed it. Similar stories abound in volumes like Jon Wiederhorn’s Raising Hell and a recent academic anthology of gender, sexuality, and heavy metal analyses; the typical pathway to extreme music, it seems, is youthful aggression, disaffection, or malaise. It’s not very cool to recall that your teen rage was tempered rather than catalyzed by religion. Even less cool to admit that if you are currently swimming in doom’s murk, you only took the chilly plunge because of boys and men.

A few antecedents, then: The Minutemen. Captain Beefheart. Def Leppard. The Mars Volta.

Edgy enough, weird enough, almost metallic enough, nearly harsh enough. It’s easy to see the slippery slope, to hear my mother’s voice in my head. If that’s what you want to spend your money on, she said of The Mars Volta’s full-length debut, I guess it’s your money. A year or so later, she would be interrogating me about certain media downloads to the family desktop--not because I was infringing copyright via poorly-labeled LimeWire files, but because the music was the sort that drove away the Holy Spirit (to be fair, Master of Puppets didn’t inspire any epiphanies). Mormons are very concerned with the Spirit’s presence. Movies and music are the fastest and most seductive shortcuts to becoming lost in a mire of worldliness, spiritual miasma, and sin. Interestingly, my mother was less perturbed by my weekly emails to a much-older dude I’d “met” on a geek forum, he of the curly beard and Captain Beefheart appreciation. For a suburban teenage girl reading SPIN in 2003, music in particular seemed a clear Point A to ineffable cool’s Point B, as evidenced by--although at the time I wouldn’t have phrased it thus--fuckability. Whiteboy music journalists, from Klosterman with his contrarian hair metal love to Azerrad deifying The Minutemen, had Ideas about what made rock music good. It was a trail of breadcrumbs that could be followed by anyone, so maybe I’d start off as me and end up as Brody Dalle. Of course, wanting to be punk is proof that you're destined to remain square, so the guy in the homemade Leftöver Crack t-shirt likewise stayed a mystery. Meanwhile, I made a fansite about The Mars Volta for my web design class, wrote an AP essay about why filesharing is good, actually, and counted the days ‘til graduation.

Euro-style power metal is romantic. Good make-out tunes. The fine art of getting into something that someone you fancy is into, well, that’s bog-standard for a huge swath of humanity and I’ve never been above it because I do like exploring new things. However, there’s a certain flavor of man who encourages women to listen to music he likes not out of genuine enthusiasm and desire to share, but because filling up a vessel with water from your spring means that you, yourself, will never be thirsty. There’s no rearranging of boundaries necessary for the recommender, no exchange of gifts, no call to reassess your favorites in light of new information. Where things get hairy is when women take what is conferred and make it their own. The vaguely fringe music that had already primed my eardrums led away from flourish-laden prog and high-camp power metal, into weirder and uglier places my boyfriend at the time had no interest in traversing. It stings a bit to realize that your heart is big enough to hold all the loves that comprise the person you love, that your desire is malleable and open, and that they have always been enough by themselves, fully-formed, unswerving as a highway through the desert. It hurts to hear that you’re not doing the thing (metal or comics or horse racing) in the way that was shown you, properly. This might be when the rage starts to seep back in, poisoning the spring. But solo concert-going is only lonely until you make it past the venue’s threshold. After that, the Spirit is always with you.

Myself, I’ve seldom found the divine in places it was supposed to inhabit.

The thing about The Mars Volta that embedded itself in my ribcage seventeen years ago wasn’t their tight jeans: it was how they seemed to have misplaced all their fucks. Prior to Sacha Jenkins’ 2003 SPIN review, the ugliest thing I’d sought out of my own volition was an Anti-Flag album, a suitably edgy move in George W. Bush’s America. Deloused in the Comatorium did not care if you understood what it was going for; an impetus existed behind the unexpected time signatures, dog-bothering vocals, and salsa moves that was alluring in its opacity and bloody-mindedness. A bunch of weirdos recorded a fuck-you in album format because they wanted to. Atmosphere, emotion, tension could all be far more important to a song than melody or lyrics. Listenable was up for debate. Art formed its own excuse. In this way, although the two groups couldn’t be further apart sonically, my heart was made ready for Katatonia. Then Oceans of Slumber. Torche. Black Castle, Thou, Bell Witch, Cult of Luna, on and on, an endless sinkhole opening up.

A great and appealing contrast of doom metal lies in the apparent dumbassery of its sound. This is broadly true of all metal, of course; Coal Chamber or Megadeth, Black Sabbath or Pantera, metal was music for drop-outs, stoners, school shooters… the purview not only of miscreants, but of boys and stupid boys at that. Punk seemed the smarter option, if you had anger issues, had heard of feminism, or tended toward hobbies like trying to form a Young Democratic Socialists chapter at your school. For older me, trying to rewrite a religious mind into a liberal and cosmopolitan one, prog metal was defensibly slick and impressive, while power metal seemed less openly hateful toward women. All the while, doom lurked beneath layers of nay-saying. Adult men I’ve known, talented guitarists with good ears and smart hands, have sneered at all the seeming lack populating the slower subgenres--lack of beauty, skill, or even aggression in its most recognizable and masculine forms. Yet, for a listener whose favorite pastime is intellectualizing everything in sight, doom is the other side of the sun.

I don’t… really… understand what a tritone is. I know it’s important, and I could do a bad approximation of the opening of “Black Sabbath,” but definitionally I’m at a loss. Often I have no idea which instrument is making the sound that I like. I don’t know anything about music theory or how to talk with authority about what makes music good, important, or even what differentiates music from other sounds. Maybe a drone metal track is a collection of sounds, rather than a song? My Dream Theater-enthusiast ex figured since I was a nebbishy bespectacled geek, prog would be all I needed. The thinking man’s metal! No one has ever felt threatened by Steven Wilson. You can remain Smart™ while listening to assorted finger-wanky Europeans. In contrast, kicking it with a Texas weed-cult at the skatepark is stupid. Obviously, every genre of metal contains its geniuses, and one of doom’s most lovable qualities is how often unquestionable finesse arrives wrapped in brutal, bizarre, counterintuitive paper. But beyond the plausible deniability of technique and philosophy found in groups like Neurosis is something even more compelling. Sometimes, it just fucking sounds cool.

It sounds like that because someone did it intentionally, gleefully. I wrote a novel like that because I liked how it looked, sounded, felt.

One of the birthrights of normative (white, cis, straight, abled) masculinity is feeling. If you turn out queer, or are socialized as female, or live with the massed connotations of a racist culture written over your skin, overt and violent emotion may be anathema. The power of accessing a fully human emotional spectrum for the first time should not be underrated. The doom bands I grew into loving, independent of the people closest to me who putatively liked similar music, are into feelings. Even, or maybe especially, the ones authority figures wish you didn’t have (and those aren’t always the bad ones. Authority hates it even more if you feel good). If there’s a thing Mormons don’t countenance, it’s feeling bad things and informing people of them, or feeling the wrong good things. Doubt is a big no-no. It’s always better to feel shame when possible. If the Spirit isn’t telling you what you know it should, it’s on you for not listening enough, praying enough, being enough. If the Spirit’s voice isn’t soft and gentle, if it instead materializes in the best growl this side of Obituary, well, Satan quotes scripture too. Meanwhile, doubt--lack of clarity, spiritual and emotional murkiness, bone-deep ambivalence--is doom’s molten heart. Meanwhile, shame--at the self’s fondled hatreds, as C.S. Lewis has it, for things desired and things questioned--is shunned by doomsayers.

The body experiences advance warning. Fury, fear, arousal. Sure, I attribute my openness toward weird music to frustrated teen lust. Sure, I owe Roy Khan and Tony Kakko for first love and redrawn horizons. When fire dies, what’s left is not absence but ash, fertile and generative. Doomed to Fail recognizes that continual plumbing and revolving in uncertainty for its beauty and possibility. Whatever formed my rage and love, those two sides of the same forbidden coin, they belong to me now.

#Doomed to Fail #J.J. Anselmi #diana reads

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miyako-no-prince · 5 years

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70 MasaMei and 95 SawaItsuRai ❤💛

thanks for the lovely prompts ❤💛

the MasaMei got so much longer than I intended these prompts to be, so I’ll do the SawaItsuRai in a separate post

AO3

“After everythingwe’ve been through, you still don’t think that I love you?”

The silence thatfollowed was deafening. Mei didn’t even look at him, stubbornly avoiding hisgaze. It said everything, but Masatoshi was determined to make him talk anyway.Maybe if he said it out loud, he’d realize how ridiculous it was. How stupid andunnecessary this whole situation was.

“Answer me, Mei.”

More silence.Masatoshi resisted the urge to sigh, or alternatively shake Mei until he had nochoice but to finally say what he really thought.

As the silencecontinued, Masatoshi wondered if this really had been worth it.

They starteddating a few months ago, and Masatoshi had actually been happy with theirrelationship. They tended to have small fights a lot, but they were alwaysresolved easily enough, never weighing on his mind too much. It was just… everysingle one of them had been resolved by him apologizing, with Mei maybeapologizing back if he felt particularly guilty.

This just wasn’tan accurate representation of who’d caused those fights. 90% - the mostgenerous assumption Masatoshi was willing to make – were purely caused by Meibeing purposefully contrarian, lazy, or annoying.

Masatoshi knew Meiwas prideful and had trouble apologizing, even if he recognized he was atfault. Still, he’d thought wanting Mei to get over his pride just once, forsomething minor at that, wouldn’t be too much to ask. If he insisted just once,and Mei realized this was important to Masatoshi and just said sorry, then hecould shut up the tiny nagging voice that told him Mei wasn’t as committed orin love as he was.

Not wanting torisk any trouble to the team, he’d waited until after summer koushien to gothrough with his plan, and it turned out to be a good choice. Even though thefight had been stupid, and entirely Mei’s fault, and could’ve been entirelyinconsequential, Mei flat-out refused to apologize. Even at the threat thatMasatoshi wouldn’t talk to him until he did. Even at the threat that Masatoshi wouldbreak up with him if he didn’t. Mei just yelled at him and ran away.

At first, Masatoshihad thought Mei would just need some time to realize what happened, and then he’dcome to apologize. But nothing of the sort happened. They didn’t have topractice together anymore, and Mei made sure they interacted as little aspossible.

After a month,Masatoshi had simply assumed that was it, Mei really hadn’t cared much aboutwhat they had. It hurt, but there was nothing he could do.

He’d been resoluteabout staying away and just getting over it, until one night Tadano had knockedon his door, tears streaming down his face as he’d tried to convey the angerand despair he was currently feeling because of Mei. Masatoshi had known Meiwasn’t exactly business as usual at practice, but he hadn’t known just how badit was.

It simply wasn’tfair to let Tadano suffer on his own because Mei couldn’t deal with hisemotions any other way. None of this had anything to do with him. He was justthe easiest target. There was nothing he could do to make Mei behave like adecent human being towards him.

Masatoshi, on theother hand, could at least try. He didn’t know how much sway he still had withMei at this point, but it was certainly more than Tadano.

He’d really intendedto keep their talk focused on Mei’s behaviour toward Tadano, but Mei wasn’thaving it. He interrupted Masatoshi before he even had a chance to finisheverything he’d meant to say.

“Oh, I see, so youcan just use your kouhai who also happens to be your battery partner as you seefit and it’s all fine, but when I do it, it’s bad and I should feel bad? Forgetit. I don’t give a shit about Itsuki, but at least I don’t lie to him and tellhim I love him.”

Which ledMasatoshi to the realization that Mei was absolutely convinced he didn’t lovehim, even if he currently refused to say it directly.

“Mei,” he triedagain, “I’m not leaving until you answer me.”

“Fine,” Meipressed out between gritted teeth, “I know you don’t love me and I knew it fromthe start. Now you can just admit it and then we can be done with this.”

The absolutecertainty in his voice cut straight into Masatoshi’s heart. Mei wasn’t joking,exaggerating, or being dramatic. He believed it. Despite everything, all theirshared moments, movie nights, intimate touches, practice hours, wins andlosses, despite it all, Mei had never fully trusted his love. And Masatoshinever noticed. Never even considered the possibility.

But then, whywould he? He’d told Mei he loved him. Multiple times. Dated him for months. Didhis best to make it work. Mei had never expressed any kind of insecurityeither. In fact, Masatoshi had been under the impression that Mei knew way toowell how loved he was.

Maybe he should’vesaid that out loud, but instead, he asked “Are you an idiot?”

Which maybe wasn’tthe smartest way to go about this. Masatoshi realized it immediately, at least,and added “Why do you think I dated you, then?”

It calmed the furyin Mei’s eyes, at least a little. He shrugged. “I’m cute.” Masatoshi had toagree on that, but in any other situation, he would’ve scolded Mei for sayingit about himself. “You liked the sex.” Also true. But how shallow did Mei thinkhe was? “And I was the one who asked you out. If you told me no or broke up withme, it might’ve affected my performance, and thus your chance at winningkoushien. So you just strung me along until you retired, and I was useless toyou. Didn’t even wait a week.”

So Mei had actuallypicked up on the fact that he’d waited with this until after koushien. He justtotally got it wrong.

“I told you, whatI wanted was just an apology from you. I did wait out koushien on purpose,because you’re right, I didn’t want to ruin our chances, but I didn’texpect you to be this stubborn about it.”

“Bullshit! You cansay what you want, you never cared before if I didn’t apologize over littlethings! You were just trying to find a reason to break up over, and I for surewasn’t going to make it harder for you by actually saying sorry, because unlikewhatever you think, I’m not actually stupid!”

“Yes, you are! Whyis it so hard to understand that I just wanted you to swallow your pride forthe sake of our relationship a single time? It always annoyed me that I have tobe the one to apologize to you even if you were the one starting the fight! Butyou could’ve just fixed that, and we’d have been just fine.”

“No, we wouldn’t!What kind of relationship is it when you’re just annoyed with me all the time,huh? Is that love to you? You wanna get married someday and see your spousecome up to you and say their vows and you think ‘ugh how annoying I wish they’djust shut up’? Is that what you dream of?”

Mei had gotteninto his face at some point, and now that he was talking about marriage forsome reason, a part of Masatoshi’s brain wanted to grab him and kiss him, holdhim close and tell him how much he missed that kind of thing over the pastmonth, but thankfully there was still a larger part of his brain that told himto listen instead, and to respond, so he could figure out exactly what Mei wasthinking. What his actual problem was. And fix it.

“What, so you’remad that I was annoyed when you purposefully tried to annoy me?”

“No! I’m mad thatyou’re annoyed whether I try to annoy you or not! Even when I’m trying to benice! You can’t even tell the difference! All you ever say is ‘Shut up, Mei’!It doesn’t matter if I tell you about something I care about or just try tomake the most annoying noise possible, it’s all the same to you. I don’t knowif you actually think you love me, but I know you already noticed that I just amannoying. Down to my core, it’s who I am. That’s why you don’t enjoy spendingtime with me. Nobody does. Sooner or later, you’ll realize it’s too much, it’sjust not worth it, just like everyone else. I think you already did.”

What started as anoutburst turned quiet toward the end. There were tears glistening in Mei’seyes, and he slowly backed away again.

Panic spreadthrough Masatoshi’s chest. Mei was right here, so close to him, but Masatoshiwas losing him, and he just knew if he didn’t cross the distance right now, he’dnever manage to get a hold of him again.

And he couldn’t finda way to close the metaphorical distance, but his body reacted faster than hismind did, grabbing Mei by the shoulders and holding him in place whileMasatoshi struggled to figure out what to say. Not an easy task when he stillwasn’t sure he properly understood exactly what Mei meant.

“What are you eventalking about?” Masatoshi settled on when the silence was starting to stretchlong enough to be uncomfortable. “You can’t just go and decide these things forother people. Even assuming I don’t actually love you romantically doesn’t meanI don’t like being around you. And what’s with that ‘everyone’? You have plentyof friends, right? Everyone on the team, and your classmates… I’m sure theylike having you around.”

But Mei simplyshook his head. “No. I have people who tolerate and placate me because theyneed my baseball skills, and people who admire me because they don’t actuallyknow me. And I guess I have Kazuya, who’d rather be annoyed than alone. That’sit.”

Masatoshi couldn’thelp but feel a pang of annoyance that Miyuki Kazuya of all people got an extraspot in this listing, while he was presumably lumped in with the rest of theteam in the first category. But he swallowed it down.

“What about yourfamily?”

This time, theresponse was a shrug. “My mom and sisters are all just as annoying as me, so Iguess we can all just comfortably annoy each other. I honestly don’t know whymy dad is still happily married to my mom, I guess he must be some kind ofmasochist.”

“Well, maybe I’m amasochist. You don’t know that.”

While… this wasn’texactly what he’d planned to say – in fact he’d never thought about thisbefore and he was sure he’d found better ways to express what he meant if he’dthought about it for more than a millisecond – it did make Mei look at him forreal for the first time since he’d entered his room.

“What?”

Even if it was alook that was trying to figure out if he had gone completely nuts.

“Um, I mean, inall seriousness, I missed you, Mei.” Yes, that sounded much better, much morelike a normal person. “I honestly missed being around you, and even beingannoyed by you on a daily basis during the past month.”

“I guess thatkinda does make you a masochist.”

“Thanks.”

His voice was dry,but it was actually hard to maintain. He could see the edges of a smile tuggingat Mei’s lips as their bickering progressed naturally as it had so many timesbefore. It was a feeling like coming home, and it automatically made Masatoshihope, even if they still hadn’t really found a resolution to the problem athand. But they were getting there.

In the end, perhapspredictably, Masatoshi simply relented. He pulled Mei into his arms, and didthe one thing he promised he wouldn’t do this time. “I’m sorry.”

“But you said-”

“I know. And I’mnot sorry about anything concerning the small fight we had that led to all ofthis. That was your fault. But I hurt you. I didn’t mean to, I had no idea whatI’d cause, but I hurt you. I still don’t quite understand how you came to yourconclusions or how you feel, but none of that really matters. I’m just sorry,and I need you to know that.”

“I’m sorry, too,”Mei mumbled into his chest, “I was extra annoying because I was trying to seeif you’d keep me around when you didn’t need me anymore. Guess I got exactly whatI asked for…”

The apology fellfrom Mei’s lips so easily, with such a sense of relief, and finally it occurredto Masatoshi that maybe it hadn’t been pride – or at least not pride alone –that had kept Mei from apologizing first for so long. If he really saw beingannoying as part of himself, then of course apologizing felt like apologizingfor who he was, rather than a small one-time thing. And it always carried therisk of getting told the apology wasn’t good enough, that maybe Mei just wasn’tgood enough.

It didn’t exactlysolve Masatoshi’s initial issue, all it really did was complicate finding asolution they’d both be happy with, but Masatoshi figured it would be muchbetter to look for one together than stay apart out of misplaced anger, prideand hurt.

“Mei, I’ll alwayswant to keep you around, as long as you want me by your side as well. Let’sjust… talk, okay? We’ll figure something out, together. So we won’t ever bothbe sad and lonely for a whole month for no reason again.”

Mei nodded againsthis chest. “Okay. Yeah, that sounds good. But, before we do that, can I kissyou?”

“You missed that,huh?”

“Oh, you have noidea.”

“I’m pretty sure Ido.”

Before Mei couldfigure out his next retort, Masatoshi bent down, gently tilting up Mei’s chinwith his hand, and pressed their lips together.

They practicallymelted together, and finally, after a month of everything feeling out of place,the world was right again.

Bonus

They ended upcuddling on Mei’s bed and talking way into the night, about their feelings andissues and experiences all the way to their perception of the world, and it waspossibly the closest Masatoshi had ever felt to someone in his whole life.

Just when theywere both about to fall asleep though, he remembered why he’d chosen to go toMei in the first place.

“I almost forgot,but you really have to stop treating Tadano as bad as you did. I know you wereupset, but he has nothing to do with this.”

Mei groaned. “Iknow. I was just trying to get him to hate me. He looked like he was admiringme when I was just feeling shitty about myself and it pissed me off. I wantedto disappoint him in the worst way possible.”

“Well, I don’tthink it worked anyway. He was totally desperate, but he kept asking how hecould get along with you, or how to make you acknowledge him, how he could getgood enough to be your partner. Even when from what I heard, I’d be at thepoint where I’d be asking my senpai for ways to kill you without gettingcaught.”

“What the fuck. Hemust be a masochist for real.”

“Maybe that’s onyou. You attract us.”

“Oh, shut up,Masa-san.”

#masamei #harada masatoshi #narumiya mei #daiya no ace #answered #Anonymous

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