#I love you so much Alex please don’t be angry I copied like everything you said

[skoulsons]

Her feet carry her faster than she can think. The world around her is blurred, only the feel of her feet pressing hard into the asphalt and the pounding of her heartbeat in her ears are what keep her vision dead set on Joel. He’s running too, the street lights illuminating his movements as he rushes towards her.

Joel’s arms barely open before she’s already there, both of hers going over his shoulders and crossing behind his neck. Joel holds her against him immediately, one arm along her back and the other behind her head, cupping it gently next to his own.

Joel lifts Ellie off the ground, stumbling backwards and spinning in an attempt to balance them. Though, after a minute, the spinning isn’t just for balance anymore.

It brings him back to a time long forgotten. Christmas and her birthdays with a particularly good present. Days at the fair when she’d win a huge stuffed animal and couldn’t wait to tell him all about it. Days when Joel would get home after working a double and she couldn’t sleep until she heard his footsteps. Picking her up after school and he’d be waiting outside for her; Sarah running for him and exclaiming how she got an ‘A’ on the project she spent all night on.

Sarah’s smile and the bounce of her hair as she raced for her dad were always met with such an embrace. One arm cradling her head as his other held her against him by her back. How Joel would stumble back, sometimes as an exaggeration, just so he could spin them around. Just so he could take a few steps to hold his little girl against him. Just so he could take a few precious, hallowed moments to rock her back and forth in his arms, like how he would to rock her to sleep as a baby.

Joel continues to turn and step haphazardly along the streets of Jackson, taking Ellie in every single stride. And with every old memory that passes between their bodies in the streets of Jackson, it reminds him. It reminds him of the emptiness he’s felt without her. The hole that her loss created. That Sarah-sized-hug section of his heart that was brutally cut out of him that early morning in September.

And those reminders only make Joel hug Ellie a little tighter, spin a little more, and walk a little farther.

Ellie’s legs lightly wrap around his middle, trying to get as close as she possibly can. Joel just squeezes the arm that’s across her back tighter as he threads his fingers gently through her hair.

Her breathing is against his neck. Her chest rises and falls against his and her heart beats right alongside his own. Each others bodies fall in sync with each other, like they always do. Their breathing synchronizing, finding the stability in each others proof of life.

For a split second, he’s reminded again. He’s reminded of her held against his chest. He’s reminded of her small hands around his neck as he ruan through the streets. He’s reminded of her high-pitched fears and his attempted reassurances to calm her down.

He’s reminded of an attempted hug. An attempted hug full of pain and a fleeting heartbeat. Small hands clawing at his arms and neck, crying out. Crying and groaning over the pain in her abdomen. Crying over the pain he was causing.

He cries. He cries, but he can barely bring himself to care at this point.

She’s alive. He’s holding his daughter now and that means she’s alive. She’s no longer a cold and ruined body maimed by the violence of the world. No longer another victim to a sickness that Cordyceps could never match. No longer a shadow of a broken world. No longer just a memory.

He cries because he loves her. He cries because he knows this isn’t the last time he’ll ever hug her. He cries because he’s not hurting her this time. He cries because she’s clinging on to him as hard he is to her.

He cries because she loves him.

He turns his face more into hers, his nose burying into her hair. She smells like fresh soap, the same soap, clean clothes, and their little blue house. Like old books and the leather of their couch. Like pine cones and fire.

And that only makes it harder for him to hold back. He sniffles into her hair and she hears it, feels it. She hugs around his neck tighter, bringing one of her arms down to rub a few strokes up and down his back to comfort him. He does it back to her, continuing to relish in the feeling of her wrapped in his arms.

Joel slows their spinning to a gentle back-and-forth swing before he lowers her down, Ellie’s tip toes planting onto the asphalt first. She stays that way, still reaching up over Joel’s neck as he bends down slightly, arms around her middle.

Joel is the first to pull away, much to Ellie’s apprehension due to her still clinging to his shirt as he pulls her away from him.

But he doesn’t let her go. His arms linger on her sides as he pulls her away, immediately bringing them up to her cheeks when he can finally see her face completely.

Joel is nearly out of breath, and not because of his old muscles and achy bones. “Are you okay?” He checks her up and down. Injuries, blood, anything. A habit he picked up on the road, always checking her first for injuries to make sure she was okay. It stayed even when they moved into Jackson. Whether she was at the stables the majority of the day or at home drawing and reading, he had to check.

He had to make sure she was okay, even if there was no reason to. He had to be sure. He couldn’t let himself fail again for not checking.

He holds her cheeks gently, his fingers stretching behind her ears as his thumbs rub back and forth along her cheekbones.

Ellie laughs wetly at his question, tears falling from the corners of her eyes. Joel wipes them away as he smiles, cherishing the familiar sound of her laugh at every opportunity.

She looks up at him, nearly as breathless as he is. “Are you?” There’s a hint of sarcasm, but more genuine care.

There’s two wet streaks down the sides of his face from where his tears poured out of the corners of his eyes. He’s still smiling at her as she brings her hands up to his face, copying his movements, and wiping her thumbs over the corners of his eyes and following the streaks until they hit his beard, disappearing.

His eyes close briefly until she brings them back to his wrists, holding tightly to them again. He smiles at the affection. She doesn’t do it often, but when she does, it means the world to him to have something like that reciprocated to him.

He smiles wider, bringing her head gently to his to let their foreheads touch. Their hands stay right where they are, their breathing slowing and falling in tune with each others again as they inhale and exhale together. Their breaths in the small space between saying every word they can’t.

Words have never been their strong suit. They’ve always defaulted to touch or gifts to express what’s going on. Not only is such a thing more comforting, but it’s always said more than their words could ever express. They have had talks before, and getting through them is like pulling teeth every time, so they always result to physical touch. It’s easier, safer for both of them.

Instead of answering each others questions, which were pleas more than anything, they hug. Joel’s right hand goes behind her neck and guides her face to his chest, Ellie settling comfortably against him as her arms wrap around his middle. His left hand sits over her shoulderblade as his right cards through her hair from her scalp to her ends, each strand untangling and falling through his fingertips before he repeats the motion.

Their shoulders drop, the both of them able to finally relax with the other in their grasp. In the safety only the other can provide.

Joel turns his head to the side, his cheek resting atop her head as he continues threading his hand through her hair. Against his chest, she breathes in. The same soap and hints of the shampoo they share. He smells like little whittled woodland creatures and coffee.

They smell like home to each other. Some brought about from their time on the road, and some brought about from their time in Jackson that are only associated with the other.

They don’t smell like blood, grass, or kicked up dirt. Not like overgrown buildings and gunpowder. Not like screaming infected or houses riddled with bullet holes. Not like the cold and hollow corpses of once beloved family, friends, and lovers.

They don’t hear the gasping breaths and dying heartbeats. They don’t see the cloudy eyes or feel the pasty skin. They don’t smell the bloody limbs or smell the faint, musky scent of the fleeting life in front of them.

There’s full, rich breathes between them. Pounding, healthy heartbeats against each others chest. Eyes full of light and love that intently watch the other. Their skin, washed clean and healing from injuries. Their scents showing a full life, as full as they can have, and it’s because of the other.

Joel starts to pull away slowly before Ellie nuzzles back against him, pressing her face into his flannel in protest. Joel laughs and Ellie smiles at the rumble in his chest that pounds against her cheek. She lets out a deep sigh as she lets Joel pull her away, not letting her go any further from him than his bent arm.

He keeps his right hand resting on her shoulder as he leans closer to her again, kissing her hairline. He rests his cheek briefly over the spot before kissing again and leaning back, his hand finding that all-too-familiar spot on her cheek.

“Let’s go home, yeah?” She nuzzles into his palm, the warmth and steady hold of it so easy to lean into. She closes her eyes, a small “mhm” escaping her lips as she smiles.

She pulls his hand off her cheek and into her hand, interlocking their fingers together as their arms fall in the space between them.

Their walk from the front gate to their home is a quiet one, filled with small giggles, hummed tunes, and kicked pebbles along the streets. Ellie brings her right hand to his forearm, clinging tight to his side, like the asphalt would swallow him whole if she even dared to loosen her grip on him. And if the hold he has on her hand is any indication, he feels the same way.

And later that night when they’re in bed and Ellie is asleep, curled up small and comfortable against his side, his memories really sink in.

Memories of Sarah. Memories of Sarah that are… fading. Parts of her that aren’t clear anymore. The way she smelled. What was her shampoo? The soap they used? The scent he breathed in every night? The way the world froze with every sprinting hug when he’d hold her and breathe in her hair and he can’t remember it. That perfume he bought her for prom. The prom she never got to go to. How she tried it on in the store.

Dad! What about this one?

Think you got yourself a winner there, kiddo.

Her life was ripped from him. Her scent and what made her… her were gone from him, now. No recollection of what made Sarah herself. The gel she’d use in her hair. The same detergent they’d use when they washed their clothes. A detergent long gone that he can’t even smell his own clothes to remember her that way. The sweet, lavender scent of her shampoo that always filled their bathroom.

He pulls his arm around Ellie a little tighter, Ellie snuggling closer to him and resting her head atop his chest and as he pulls her close, bringing his lips to the crown of her head. He kisses her head there once, resting his lips there as he feels her chest rise and fall against his own. As he breathes in her hair and the scent of their shampoo. As his right hand finds her left arm draped over his abdomen, holding it gently. As he hears her steady breathing against his chest, the sure sign that she’s there. She’s with him. She’s okay.

Please.

Don’t let me forget her, too.

#this is ROUGH #just now posting at 1:30am #I started it at like #4pm. #because SOME people wouldn’t shut up 👎🏻 #anyway it’s not that good but #we ball 🏀 #I completely copied all of Alex’s thoughts and texts #I love you so much Alex please don’t be angry I copied like everything you said #but it wouldn’t leave me alone!!!! #you write so much better than me anyway so if or when you cover this #I know it’ll be ten times better #How Can I is coming you guys I promise!!! #I MEAN THAT!!!! #the last of us hbo #joel miller #ellie williams #L fics

[ironhusband]

Rant time because I just watched Red, White and Royal Blue:

Things I disliked

(0. The fact it already took over the wiki I swear to god-)

1. Okay let’s start small. I will never forgive the exclusion of the “your dad is hot” text chain.

2. I also don’t like how the karaoke scene played out but I guess I can live with it.

3. No PowerPoint presentation???? Crime.

4. The texts felt a little abrupt? They were supposed to be showing us Alex and Henry becoming friends and they cut them off in two seconds. It didn’t seem so obvious why they’re suddenly friends at new years.

5. Somehow everything they added was cheesier than the book. I mean the book is cheesy but in a way I loved, but this movie kinda made me wanna gag.

6. Ok yes I know this is petty but. I still think the actors were horrible choices. I was not impressed by the acting if I’m honest and they had fine chemistry but it wasn’t… Alex and Henry chemistry. Like book Alex and Henry had so much chemistry it was electrifying and you didn’t want to take your eyes off them. Movie Alex and Henry are believable as a couple… and that’s it. Plus I didn’t love Alex. Alex is one of my favorite characters of all times and this guy just felt wrong. There were some moments that were good but his inherent charm just wasn’t there.

7. Ok now getting to the less petty reasons. I just. Hated. Everything they decided to do with the “side characters”. I will never forgive the exclusion of June, Alex’s best friend and confidant the person who knows him better than anyone. Watching her and Nora be a couple in the sidelines was my favorite part of reading the book, but even if they would have cut those hints, I just. Am so incredibly angry that they deleted the character altogether. It is simply wrong. June was the person who understood the pressure Alex was on most of all, while still having the tension of disagreeing over their passion of politicos. For god’s sake, June was the person that helped Alex figure himself out…. She was important on her own and to the plot and she was sorely missed from the movie. Bea on the other hand was… confusing. I hated how they dealt with both of the families in this movie, which I will elaborate on later, but if they’re giving us a Henry pov how come we get this dull three lines woman, not the punk with addiction problems that is afraid to go out in public. I mean, even the way she dressed - the real Bea would hate it. And we didn’t even get the ‘I love him on purpose’ conversation with her. Nora was fine, I suppose. Her and Alex’s dynamic was mostly a copy of Alex and June, but I could live with it. Except that we don’t know anything about her that we knew in the book. We don’t know she’s the vice president’s daughter. We don’t know she is a computer whiz or good with math. We don’t know hers and Alex’s history. We don’t know she’s a chaos goblin. She was just there. And Rafael Luna who was so important to the plot is just absent… I think they replaced him with Miguel Ramos (based on the trip story) which. I hate that so much.

In short my complaint with most of the side characters is that you could narrow it down to one friend for Henry and one for Alex, and nothing will change. The side characters were some of the best parts of the book and I hate that I didn’t get to see them but some boring cardboard cutouts with the same name.

8. Henry’s family. I mean I guess it was fine. Except that Bea’s struggle with social anxiety is so important to understand why Henry is afraid of coming out. Except that his relationship with his mom was a sore spot and the fact she showed up to support him meant so much in the book. Except that his grief towards his dad was barely expressed and c’mon we could have seen them watching at least one of his movies. Except that no one in that family has ever acted the way they have in the book - besides maybe his brother - and it was. So unclear why Henry wanted to please them. The queen was absent altogether and the king was surprisingly okay about Henry deciding to own his truth? I mean, things got so bad in the book, that Henry considered giving up his title… the movie shows none of that.

9. Alex’s family - besides the fact that June was missing, I think they misunderstood a big part of Alex’s character- his parents’ divorce. Alex’s childhood in Texas is such an important part of him and the fact his parents aren’t even divorced when that effected him so much… it’s why he often deflects when things get personal, why he prioritises his career over his love life, it’s why he acted like his relationship with Nora is now just a way to mess with the press. It’s why Texas is such a bittersweet place for him. It’s why he hasn’t considered his sexuality sooner either, at least the way I see it. It’s why saying I love you to Henry was such a big deal to him - why being rejected hurt him even more. But this time his parents are happily married? This time he has no one to share the burdens of being in the family with? It just felt wrong.

I also just didn’t like any of them or felt their performances to be true to their character. Alex’s relationship with his mother was so hot and cold and the changes in it felt so unnatural (Ellen herself wasn’t as fun either…). And Alex’s relationship with his dad was ok but it didn’t hit the way it should - he didn’t seem as hungry for his approval, as distant from him because he still feels slightly abandoned. Alex coming out to his dad meant so much in the book because of that - it was the first real connection he had with his dad in years and it gave him the courage to admit how he felt towards Henry. Rafael Luna’s absence and the way he was an important part to understanding Alex and his dad was also very noticeable (Luna being Alex’s connection to his dad through their culture and politics, and also Luna and his dad being friends - all of this part of the reason he was so betrayed by Luna being a republican, and felt more distance from his dad who wouldn’t explain this - but also the way it related to Alex’s relationship with being queer, and being Latino and queer…)

Alex loves politics so much because of his parents too - especially in the wanting the approval thing, making a difference as a Latino politician just like his dad and wanting to help his mom because he believes in her cause especially- and the way they showed it wasn’t it. And of course the whole dynamic felt completely weird without June.

The movie made a good point to talk about Alex’s family as his connection to politics and making a difference and representation, but the book did all that by showing and not telling, so even though I liked the fact they had a conversation about white privilege in the movie, it felt superficial because it didn’t relate to who Alex is.

10. We got very little of the emails too which was weird. And a lot of stuff they transferred from emails to real life. Most of Henry and Alex’s relationship was long distance and the emails showed that. But the sweet poetry, the texts about queer history, the mention of meetings and events…. It was all missing. We missed too much of them in that. Maybe this shouldn’t be so high up on the list but it made me incredibly sad. When I saw edits of the book into a “movie” all I looked forward to was the actors voicing over those sweet love letters as we saw Alex being involved with politics.

11. So much I didn’t enjoy about the reveal. The fact we didn’t see the people’s support too much and the way they loved “history, huh? Bet we could make some” (which wasn’t in the emails!!!). I didn’t love that they skimped over how it affected America politically too. Where’s the reveal that republicans outed the president’s son? Which is part of the reason Ellen won? Where’s the funny tweets calling Henry a ho? Where is the speech at Texas? “To you specifically, I say: I see you. I am one of you. As long as I have a place in this White House, so will you. I am the First Son of the United States, and I’m bisexual. History will remember us.”

We never got to see how much the reveal meant to others. It just meant a lot to Alex and Henry to have support, and I’m sorry but that wasn’t enough for me. That wasn’t the point.

12. Alex’s bisexuality. The way it was handled makes me seethe. Ok they had him say it twice but like. Where is the journey of realization? Where is all the little hints before Alex discovers himself (hello the poster??? And also the fact he made out with guys before like yes ok but he didn’t think anything of it at the time. He was in denial)? Where is the coming out to the public? Alex was so touched to discover queer history and he never once let people forget he was bi, even tho movie Alex was perfectly fine letting multiple people call him homosexual when he isn’t. I loved Alex because of his bisexual journey - because it was “later” in life (as I’m not while he was a teenager) too and because it was a part of him without being a big deal. And this movie stole that from me. It broke my heat. This movie, in every way, forget that representation matters.

13. If One Last Stop’s strength was showing us how the private people that changed queer history slipped through the cracks, Red, White and Royal Blue’s strength was showing us the milestones that brought us here and the milestones we can look forward to. And yet in the movie… there is nothing. No discussion of which political figures were gay. None of Henry’s love of iconic British queer celebrities. No photo of the hands up protest on Alex’s desk, no talk about the 2014 gay marriage legalization. Sure it may seem like small moments… but they aren’t. The book was built on the foundation of queer history and queer culture, both American and British, and it payed homage to it and loved it and showed its respect for it…. But the movie cut it, mercilessly misunderstanding its importance. It may have said “History huh? Bet we could make some” but it didn’t get it.

These are the reasons I felt like this is a ‘I fell in love with a prince’ romcom with a gay twist. Sure they got all the technical parts just fine. But it didn’t show the truly beautiful, mesmerizing parts of the book. I wanted to see the real Alex on the big screen. I wanted to be amused by Nora and June. I wanted to feel for Bea. I wanted to see how sweet and shy and dorky Henry is. I wanted to see the political intrigue that hooked me, the romantic emails that made me swoon, the journey to coming out that was so touching, the specific humor that made me laugh and return again and again to devotedly read Casey McQuiston’s books. I wanted to feel like I was seeing the couple who feels like it’s love or die and in their case maybe it is.

Instead, I feel like I just got the answer to who tops which is the last thing I cared about.

Sure, cuts are necessary and this wasn’t a show… but to me it felt like what they choose to cut was the book’s heart.

Things I liked

1. Zahra

That’s it

#red white and royal blue #rwrb #rwrb spoilers #rwrb movie #rwrb film #rwrb book #prince henry fox mountchristen windsor #henry fox mountchristen windsor #alex claremont diaz #june claremont diaz #nora holleran #bisexual #Rafael Luna #zahra bankston #ellen claremont #oscar diaz #bea fox mountchristen windsor #beatrice fox mountchristen windsor #princess beatrice #pez okonjo #percy okonjo #queer history #queer lit #queer representation #ramble rumble #I don't know I feel like I'm the only book fan to dislike it and I feel like I'm losing my mind for it???