#I planned to draw this scene waaaay later But God Said: why not now? ☆ | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tvitr · 3 years

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uwu I don’t make the ruwules

(Okay fine, reasons/opinions below the cut but be warned! I won’t be holding back on game or book spoilers. Or rambling. This got longer than I anticipated lol)

BETTER IN THE BOOK

Eis “Fireman Sam” Glover: I don’t know what the game was trying to do with this one. I guess he gets overwhelmed by the fire and loses his composure or gets scared or... something? Also why did he not bring a hose. Or a mask. This is why so many reviewers thought Wonderworld was a metaphor for purgatory and all the inhabitants are dead I swear. Who cares, the book handled it a lot better. I wouldn’t say it’s perfect, but there’s definitely a good idea here with some interesting themes. The gist is that he feels ashamed following his captain’s orders to retreat during a serious blaze, which his colleagues disobeyed, and his colleagues are later hailed as heroes by the press. Is Balan the Book trying to take on toxic masculinity...? How brave. Tl;dr, the book conveyed the story a Hell of lot better than the game. Honestly I’m surprised this is the only one.

BETTER IN THE GAME

Haoyu “Airplane Boi” Chang: So the book tried waaaay too hard to draw a parallel between Haoyu and Fiona (aka, Dolphin Girl) to the point that they both share a similar backstory, in that they had a hobby which led to a near-fatal accident and now they’re too traumatised to resume said hobby. And that’s not a bad thing per se but... “near fatal accident” was already Fiona’s backstory. We didn’t need a duplicate. And this is more personal preference, but I kinda liked Haoyu’s story in the game anyway. His failure at building a functioning aeroplane out of crap he found in his garage is endearingly funny in the game, and the resolution of him taking time out to sit down and study before building anything is a nice spin on the whole “if at first you don’t succeed” theme the chapter wanted.

Sana “Bird Lady” Hudson: So the book decided they didn’t want to make Cal an angry sore loser so guess what? They made Sana an angry misanthrope. Wonderful. Okay maybe that’s harsh, but she definitely came off as very bitter and unsympathetic in the book. Like there’s a scene at the end where she harasses a firefighter and tries to steal a fire engine because they’re working on a building fire and not supervising her park. That’s not a character you wanna root for. That’s a Karen. The game had a better plot thread and resolution to her story rather than a boring cookie-cutter “humans vs. nature grrrr humans are so evil” story, like the game story here had a bit more depth to it and approached the topic more maturely than the book did. Which is ironic considering how hilariously edgy the book gets sometimes, but I guess throwing a few smashed eggs and frozen bird skeletons into your story doesn’t mean anything if you’re still going to paint such a black-and-white narrative.

Iben “Frozen Elsa” Bia: This story didn’t need dialogue. Like... we don’t need her to justify why she’s upset her parents are dead because we’d already assume that. They’re her parents! Of course we’d assume she’d be upset! They died! Simultaneously! That’s horrible! WE DON’T NEED HER TO EXPLAIN THIS! Also her dialogue in the book was... pretty terrible, not gonna lie. Like if you’re gonna insist on dialogue at least make it gOOD. I’m actually planning on just reviewing her book scene so I can fully articulate just how bad it is anyway, so stay tuned for that mess lol.

FINE IN BOTH

I mean there’s not really too much to say here but anyways:

Jose/”The Farmer” having a family in the book gives him a bit more depth, even if we never hear from them again after his backstory dump.

Fiona/”Dolphin Girl” almost drowns in a slightly different way, with a dolphin straight up pulling her mask off rather than knocking it out of her mouth, and the book also goes more into detail about her love for diving and dolphins. Also the book ships her and Haoyu like. So hard. Like they never shut up about how similar they are or what they other’s doing or if the other’s okay or not. By the end of it I was expecting them to just start making out in front of everyone, they’re that obsessed with each other. And it would be funny if they didn’t use this to wreck Haoyu’s backstory like I mentioned earlier.

Yuri/”Bug Kid”/”Is that a Pokémon reference?” is now being kinda bullied for liking bugs, which yeah gives her more depth and reason to be upset but I also kinda related to her just being that One Kid with interests that nobody else had. But it’s not as bad as some of the other changes, so I can let it slide.

Atillio/Clown and Bruce/Old Man are the same, nothing to say here.

Lucy/”The Artist” is a total drama queen but then again so are Art People so I can let it slide. I did like them changing her problem from “artist’s block” (seriously?) to her feeling too under pressure to create masterpieces, unless that’s what the game was aiming for? Oh who cares.

JUST A BIG MESS

Cass “Dead Cat Girl” Milligan: This is a weird one because the story is the same between the game and book (though the book mentions she witnessed a more severe car accident rather than a speeding car which she assumes kills the cat, and the cat isn’t even her cat, it’s a stray) but the story itself is... flawed. According to the book, they wanted to convey the idea that running away from the accident was irresponsible, and she just needed to look back and she’d see her cat is okay, but the game kind of makes it look more like Balan turned back time to save her cat, and the book mentions a serious car crash which I don’t think anyone would willingly return to. I feel there’s a better way to convey this idea of being responsible for your pets, like say her cat escapes from the house and gets lost, and her resolution is going out and properly looking for it. That’s a more effective (and natural) way to relay that message, especially as they weren’t going to commit to the idea of grieving a lost pet.

I’M CONFLICTED

Cal “Chess Daddy” Suresh: God this was a tough call. On one hand Cal’s game backstory is one of the ones most YouTube players single out as the weakest backstory in the game. He’s just “that guy who lost one game of chess”. Being right before Iben’s level certainly doesn’t help. I could honestly write a separate post about how bad the story placements are in this game but that’s too long for here. On the other hand, I still... kinda like it? Like I like this idea of him being a sore loser with a bad temper who needs to learn some humility, sure it’s not as serious as “I almost drowned” or “my parents are dead” but one of the few good things about the game is that it balanced “serious” stories with “benign” ones, if that makes sense. HOWEVER His book scene is... probably one of the best written in the whole book. Which isn’t saying much, but it felt like it hit the intended degree of darkness that the rest of the book was trying to hit. One of my main issues with the book is how much it edged up everyone’s backstory, which doesn’t sound bad but when you have 12 characters with edgy backstories to sit through, it starts to feel like a 14 year old's first attempt at writing an angsty fanfiction very quickly. And yes, Cal’s story is dark and angsty but it felt like the perfect balance of dark and angsty. Or as perfect as the book can get. Like even Balan’s annoying rhyming dialogue sounded good for the tone of the scene. Man maybe I should just do a review of both his backstories in a bigger post. Obviously I could be biased because I’m a sucker for chess aesthetics and dark skinned men with long permed hair so I’m just putting more thought into him but still.

#at the end of the say i'm just some schmuck who talks too much lmao #balan wonderworld

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kitten-keith · 5 years

Text

Again

Klance, some NSFW bits, 5910 words.

Years after their beak up, Keith finally goes on a date and who should come across his little outing, but the man who broke his heart.

You’ve already read the beginning per my post here but I posted it all together because I felt like it, so just scroll past it if you need to.

As usual, I got derailed. There will be a (probably waaaay more nsfw) bonus to this later if I have anything to say about it though.

---

To set the scene, Keith is in a booth sitting across the table from some cute nameless guy, they’re making polite conversation and Keith is smiling, not really feeling much but the effort is there. He’s been single for years now other than a couple one night stands to scratch an itch that never worked. It was time he got back out here and found someone to love as much as he who should not be named.

But god does he love he who should not be named—

Did. God did. Past tense. No current love. No sir.

So, Keith is doing his goddamn best okay.

And the guy across the table is so sweet and so kind and even pretty attractive— though not as attractive as he who should not be named but uhh let’s face it, that kind of luck was pretty unlikely to happen to Keith again.

Someone as attractive as that man who wasn’t going to break his heart? Yeah. Totally. Totally not real.

Ow.

Okay stop.

“No no I totally agree, it would have been so easy for them to go the right route but they just had to mess it up.” Keith offers to the conversation, fingers tapping awkwardly on the side of the table while they wait for their server to come back with their food.

The guy laughs, and it’s a cute laugh. Cuter even than he who shall not be named because his laugh always sounded so goddamn stupid but—

But Keith fucking loved his laugh. Loved the way he’d look down just before as if embarrassed by how funny he just found something. Loved the way he’d stand around with his jaw gaping like a fish. Loved every stupid thing about that horrible stupid man—

Keith stop, you’re on a date with a cute boy, stop, it’s been years, it’s been actual years, don’t do this to yourself, move on.

Why is he thinking about this dude so much anyway? Is it just the fact it’s a date? It’s a genuine smack in the face to every promise he’d made not to love anyone but that reckless stupid—

Chill. Chill chill chill.

Why does he feel so nervous? So on display, so judged. The guy across the table from him isn’t even trying to mentally undress him, so this uneasy feeling isn’t coming from him.

Quickly Keith scans the restaurant, looking for some homophobic idiot or someone who thinks it’s gross Keith went out wearing leggings as pants. (He likes them, fuck off.)

He doesn’t find anyone.

He must be imagining it.

Must be.

“Hey, don’t look, but there’s a dude behind you— over by the bar who will not stop staring at the back of your head. I think he spaced out.”

Space. Lance loved space.

Bad sign.

Keith makes to turn his head and his date laughs again, quickly reaching out to hold his hand and draw his attention back to him, “Hey, I said don’t look!”

Keith looks up into his smile and nods awkwardly before settling on his hand. It stays there, even if Keith is no longer turning. Keith isn’t sure how he feels about it.

It’s been… a really long time since anyone’s held his hand.

He decides he’ll let it be for now. His date seems to like that and casually rubs his thumb over his skin.

Like Lance used to do.

Ah god it’s been years, is Keith really, really still not ready?! Lance sure was! Lance moved on through the whole damn university’s freshman class before Keith was even done coming to terms with the fact, they were over. Who does that?! Who bleeds love and romance like Lance does and then just— just— trivialize it with a bunch of nobodies while the love of his supposed life curls up on the floor of his dorm trying to figure out what the fucking phantom limb pain is— and let’s face it, he couldn’t just call his brother all “we broke up and it feels like I lost my right hand” cause Shiro would then have every right to disown him.

No. No. Keith should be over this. So fucking over this.

So UNBELIEVABLY FUCKING OVER THIS—

He looks at his date and stares into his eyes as softly as he’s able, casually reaching over to cover his hand with his in a way he hopes is reassuring.

“Right, right… so what were we talking about?”

His date smiles wide at the movement before his face takes on a more serious edge.

“Oh boy. Now he’s coming over. Shit.”

Keith pulls a face, about to inform his date he could probably take just about anyone who wants to cause them trouble when a familiar voice crashes through his senses like a bloody train wreck.

“Knew I recognized that mullet.”

No.

Keith retrieves both his hands and slips them under the table to grip at his knees.

Of all the horrible luck...

“Oh— you know him?”

No gods no please.

This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening this can’t…!

“Yeah man. Keithykins here and I go way back.”

Keithykins. Keith hated when Lance called him that. It always meant he was up to no good which he clearly was at this exact moment.

But Keith couldn’t move. Couldn’t look up. Because Lance’s voice is doing things to him just the way it’s always done and suddenly he’s 19 again, laying right beside the love of his life as he plays with his hair and holds him close, talking about where they’re gonna move when they graduate…

Lance was supposed to move. He was supposed to be gone. He was supposed to be anywhere but here in this bar sliding into the booth next to him, putting an arm around his shoulders and smelling like heaven never truly left him—

“Lance don’t—”

Lance reaches forward with the hand not currently squeezing Keith’s shoulder and grabs Keith’s chin.

And Keith wants to stop it, wants so terribly to push him off and beat him half to death with a bar stool but—

But between meeting in high school, falling in love, breaking up and the years Keith spent wishing and wishing and wishing for a moment just like this in his delusional heartbroken state… he’s just— he’s just been in love with Lance for so fucking long how could he ever say no…?

Lance tilts his face up to look at him and Keith could swear it’s like looking at the sun. He’s so bright and beautiful and perfect but it hurts so much it hurts

So much.

How is he still so gorgeous? How have the years not worn him down, made him tired? Made him into something that didn’t have complete and total control of Keith’s heart please—

“Isn’t that right, kitten?”

Those words amount to two things in Keith as soon as they’re spoken.

First, it’s fury. Blind, “I absolutely will beat you to death with a bar stool” kind of unadulterated fury. The kind of fury Keith is positive Lance has never before had to witness from him because he was always too cute or too funny or too hot (Jesus, baby, take me now!) to leave Keith in that state for long.

Second, and more pressing, unfortunately, was the way Keith ran through the million other times Lance had called him Kitten.

The “too hot” Lance who put Keith’s rage to better use.

He remembers the burn in his thighs, riding Lance in the backseat of the little blue civic, “you’re doing so well kitten, fuck, taking my cock so well!”

He remembered laying on his stomach in his bed, Lance’s face stuffed between his ass cheeks and humming, “you like this Kitten? You want more?” And Keith’s resounding fucking mewl when he sunk his tongue back into his heat.

He remembered sitting in Lance’s lap at a frat party, waiting for Pidge to finish her experiment so they could take her home, indulging in a couple drinks while Lance kept his arms firmly around his waist pressing small little kisses into Keith’s neck.

“Can’t wait to take you home, kitten…”

Keith remembers faintly how that comment had actually come from Lance’s anxiety over asking Keith to meet his family over the winter break and not just because Keith kept squirming against Lance’s cock that night.

He remembers Lance staring at him for a long while, when they’d gotten the BnB for their anniversary and Keith had tried to cook for them.

He remembers Lance’s fond expression after he’d angrily tossed a partly melted spatula into the sink and screeched at him, “What?! What is it?!”

And Lance had so easily slipped out of his chair, wandered up beside him and pressed their foreheads together, “my god, sweetheart, light of my life, kitten, you are so fucking precious… but please let me make breakfast.”

And so the fury melted into a single whispered lie.

“I hate you.”

—

Lance didn’t plan to go out tonight. He had planned to stay home with a barrel of bluebell ice cream and his cat and binge watch whatever new show he could find on Netflix.

But Hunk had insisted.

Nay, nagged!

And Hunk then confessed, after Lance had already agreed under conditions of bribery, blackmail, and the miraculous healing of Hunks weepy broken heart (the faker), that Hunk had arranged a date for him.

Lance had feigned a hint of interest over FaceTime before hopping in the shower and thumping his head into the wall a number of times that would have been questionable if he’d had a roommate.

Because he didn’t want a date.

He didn’t want anything.

He stupidly selfishly threw away the only thing he ever truly wanted for the unknown other and has spent the last few years regretting that decision with every bland girl and boy who could never make his blood run like—

He’d shaken his head, don’t think about him, you’re not allowed to think about him anymore he’s probably off and about with someone who actually deserves him. Who loves him enough to not be a stupid dunce about a thing like true commitment?

If he could go back.

If he could go back, he’d etch his name into his soul, never let go of his hand, never take him for granted again just—

Stop.

Stop it.

Keith was better off this way.

Lance can live in monotony, it’s his punishment.

Still, he was Lance. And he had an image to maintain. Desire to date or no. He made sure he was dressed like a charmer. Besides, he never really knows does he?

No one will ever be Keith but maybe he can still find some kind of happiness.

Right?

Was he allowed?

He hoped Keith was happy.

He wished Keith was there. Fingers curling in the little tufts of hair at the back of his neck, cracking jokes about Lance’s obsession with his long hair, “you can’t rock it like I can Lance.”

“Like I’d ever want a mullet.”

“You love it.”

I love you.

Stupid things he should have said.

He should have said it because even if he didn’t really understand it, he felt it and he knew Keith felt it and if he’d just said it—

Nope.

Stop.

Not allowed.

He checked himself in the mirror one last time for any minor imperfections and shot Hunk a text that he was on his way.

Of course, leave it to Hunk to not specify which lounge he was currently occupying and for Lance to make assumptions that it was the usual location.

He was sitting at the bar and had already ordered one drink when he got impatient and sent his best friend another slightly irritated text.

“I figured when you were inviting me out that meant you’d be here already…”

The response was an immediate

“What?”

And before he could text back his phone was ringing.

He rolled his eyes, took a sip of his rum and coke and pressed accept.

“Where are you, I don’t see you—” Hunk started before Lance replaced his drink and picked up his phone to face himself and the rest of the lounge behind him.

“I’m chilling at the bar since you couldn’t be bothered to—”

Hunk’s eyes widened and he shook his head, “oh man did I not mention?? We’re at the new place that opened up—”

Lance felt the beginnings of his temper about to flare and grit his teeth, “you’re telling me I’m at the wrong place? Dude, what’s wrong with Altea?!”

“Nothing’s wrong with Altea! It’s just that Shay has friends who just started working at The Balmera and we thought why not?”

“Well maybe you should have said something about that earlier!” Lance groaned and pointed his phone away from himself for a moment so he could rub his temples with his free hand before retrieving his drink.

He briefly heard Hunk mumble something just as he lifted the phone up again and when he could see his friends face again, he just had to ask.

“Yo did someone just get shot or something? Hunk what’s wrong?”

“Oh man. Uh. Nothing. You should get out of there though— like I mean. Hurry up and get over here— shit you started drinking— how about an Uber? I’ll order you an uber.”

Lance stared into the screen for a long moment before deciding Hunk could eat shit on his own time.

“Spill it or the first thing I’m doing when I meet Shay is talking about summer camp.”

“You know what? I would take that hit for you. Because we’re bros, now finish your drink so I can call you an uber.”

That? That was too much. There was no way Hunk was going to just take that abuse unless he was trying to cover for something really bad.

Finally, putting two and two together; Lance turned on his stool to investigate the rest of the bar and he immediately zeroed in on what had caused Hunk to get jumpy.

And honestly, he couldn’t blame him considering how fast his own heart jumped into his throat.

“Lance buddy no- just get over here okay? We’ll have an amazing night, Romelle here is like-- super sweet and dying to meet you- Lance come on-”

Lance didn’t look at his phone, barely registered he was still holding it until he heard his plastic cover start to creak under his tightened grip.

“It- It might not even be him okay!?” Hunk persisted.

Lance isn’t having it. Knew Hunk was spouting nonsense. Knew who that was better than he knew his own name.

Lance used to wake up every morning staring at the back of his head. Played with the ends of his hair. Kissed his neck. Bit into his shoulder. Gripped his hips. Mumbled sappy little nothings against his skin while the dark-haired angel in his arms started to breathe a little shallow and sway his hips…

Lance had actual heaven and he lost it.

But there he was. Perfect and beautiful and making small talk with—

Who the fuck was that?

He doesn’t know how long he’s staring before the beautiful boy turns his head, quick, Lance barely has a moment to register the bars mood lighting glinting off his skin,

But he knows without a doubt.

Hunk is still begging him to listen, to leave, to go out with him and the girls and pretend this wasn’t happening.

But how the hell was Lance supposed to do a thing like that?

The universe had presented him with a gift.

A gift he didn’t feel he deserved, but a gift he absolutely wasn’t going to squander.

If there was even a chance. Even a tiny piece of love left inside Keith for him then he needed to know.

If there was a chance in hell that Keith might ever even look at him the way he used to—he needed—

He hung up on Hunk and walked over without thinking. He spoke before he allowed himself to really look at Keith. He’s so blinded by the angry twisting in his gut when he sees Keith’s beautiful perfect hands in someone else’s grasp— is he still wearing those ridiculous gloves??— man, of course he is.

But then Keith retrieved his hands at the sound of his voice, and Lance follows that motion with his eyes, he really gets to look at him.

His hair has grown out a bit, and he’s broader in the shoulders. Honestly, he’s more gorgeous now than ever. Dressed in black leggings like he used to wear all the time at home, comfortable with one of Lance’s old shirts. Today it’s more black instead, tight, something he probably got before his last growth spurt but only managed to make him look even better as it stretched over his chest and shoulders. Just a little gap of skin at his waist where his shirt didn’t meet the waistband of his pants. Keith’s ivory skin was such a sharp contrast from the darkness he’d bathed himself in it was hard to keep his eyes from being drawn to certain places.

So, he forces himself to look only at Keith’s face then, to see how pointedly Keith tries not to look at him.

He sits down next to him, again without thinking. Maybe because it still feels so damn natural to gravitate to his side.

Lance felt the heat building in his chest, in his face, he knew what he was doing was wrong, he knew he was probably hurting Keith with this but…

Just one more selfish act. He had to look him in the eyes. He needed to see.

And if there’s nothing in Keith’s eyes for him Lance would leave. A quick peck on the cheek so he can tell himself that was their true last kiss, say something polite, try not to hurt himself on his way out of the bar when he’s positive he won’t be able to see from the stupid tears that would definitely build. But he’d leave. If there is nothing left inside of Keith for him Lance would let him be.

So, when Lance reaches out and turns Keith’s face to his, recognizing that look, it’s over.

It’s written all over his face.

The universe has given him a gift. And that gift is a Keith who against all better judgement is still desperately in love with him.

It’s everything in him to not kiss him right there. To not pull him onto his lap and tell the stranger to go. Because Keith is his, has always been his, will always be his.

“Isn’t that right, kitten?”

—

By the time his date leaves Keith can’t feel his fingers. Lance’s hands traced circles up and down his side just under the table the whole damn time making Keith feel both dirty and goddamn delighted because fuck, did he miss Lance’s hands but also no, what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck Keith get a hold of yourself?!?

When his date’s brows furrow and he actually tries— god help his poor unfortunate soul— to ask Keith if he’s okay, if they should go, Keith can’t even look at him.

His skin is hot and he’s sure it plays on his face.

And Lance knows it too, casually reaching an arm up to run through Keith’s hair before pushing him into his chest.

And Keith— damn his pathetic heart—he melts right into him.

“We’ve got a bit to catch up on, so I think Keithykins wants to stay, don’t you Gorgeous?”

Keith hates it. Hates himself. Hates Lance.

But he nods.

And with that, the stranger is gone and it’s just Lance and Keith on one side of the booth, Lance’s short nails bluntly scratching affectionately at his scalp.

Keith almost imperceptibly pushing closer, afraid that this is all some cruel joke and when he shows just how much love he still harbors in his heart Lance night pull away.

Might mock him.

Might hurt him.

What other reason could there be for this?

Lance left him. Lance left him to pursue some bullshit ideas about his identity or what the fuck ever, some other piece of crap reason to break up with someone when the truth is you just got bored.

Because that’s right. That’s what it took Keith so long to figure out.

He left because he got bored. Because Keith wasn’t enough for him anymore. Because feelings didn’t matter because caring for one another didn’t matter. Keith wasn’t attentive enough or hot enough or worth enough—

“You okay, sweetheart?” Lance mumbles into the top of his head.

He sounds timid now. Way less the menace that just ruined his date and more someone who might actually care about another person's feelings.

Hah.

Yeah right.

Yeah right yeah right yeah right—

Keith shuts his eyes tight and lifts his head, nosing into Lance’s neck.

He knows his actions won’t match his words, but he can’t help it.

“How the fuck am I supposed to be okay…?”

You’re the fucking devil and I’m still in love with you.

Lance takes a deep breath and his arms wrap tighter around Keith’s waist now, “yeah I uh… this was probably the biggest dick move of my life, huh?”

Keith snorts, and despite how hard he’s trying, he knows his cheeks are getting damp and Lance will notice soon. He lowers his head back to Lance’s chest to put it off as long as possible.

“You can absolutely beat the crap out of me later,” Lance offers.

Keith nearly counters with “let me carve your heart out and maybe we’ll be even.” But instead he huffs again. Because words are difficult right now.

“I just. Couldn’t pass up the chance to… see you again.”

Keith wants to scream.

“You never realize how big this city is until you start wishing you’ll turn a corner and see someone and it just… never happens?”

Keith knew damn well. Spent years after leaving university, a drop out who couldn’t get his act together again, watching for Lance everywhere, hoping to catch his eye and be offered a smile— a brisk jog over, an apology, an offer to get lunch together. Catch up. Try being friends again. Spend a few weeks dancing around each other stupidly until someone cracks and kisses the other and then Keith could finally feel whole again—

Yeah. Keith fucking knew how uselessly huge this fucking city was because he never saw Lance again.

Until now. Until he selfishly and cruelly let himself in on his date and made Keith feel so fucking much.

Proving to Keith that he hadn’t grown past the boy who’d selfishly decided to leave him in the first place.

“I…Uhm… I’m…”

“An idiot.” Keith grits out finally.

Lance physically deflates under Keith’s weight but nods.

“Yeah.”

“Selfish asshole.”

Lance nods again, slowly shifting his head so he can hide his face in the top of Keith’s hair. Not that Keith can see him anyway.

“Fucked up years of my life and the second I try to move past you here you are to fuck it up even more.” Keith continues. He doesn’t want this moment, wrapped in Lance’s arms to end, but he can’t just pretend Lance didn’t hurt him. Lance’s hold doesn’t weaken but Keith is scared all the same, so he wraps his own arms around Lance. It makes the taller man’s breath hitch ever so slightly but Keith can’t care about that. Won’t.

“You’re a cruel man.”

“I know.”

Keith blinks. The dampness on his eyelashes leaves droplets on his face but he can’t quite grasp the dejected way Lance spoke.

He raises his head, removing the barrier and comfort Lance has found in his hair, and looks him in the face.

“I’m a monster Keith. I know.” Lance says again.

And with those words, staring into Lance’s eyes even as he tries to look away, something clicks in his brain.

“No…” Keith breathes out, head bobbing up for a moment as he tries to make a decision.

Lance sees the motion and his eyes widen but he remains anxious, unsettled under Keith’s gaze. But Keith loves him.

Keith loves him and so he presses a small kiss to the corner of his lips.

“No. Not a monster. I know monsters.” Keith mumbles against Lance’s cheek.

“Stupid. Selfish. Reckless. Sometimes cruel. But you’re not a monster, you’ve never been.”

Keith pushes himself up on the booth seat, turns and throws a leg over Lance’s lap. The area is cramped, and his back is against the edge of the table but fuck it.

Fuck all of it.

Fuck the years of his misery fuck how much pain Lance had caused him. Lance was also the cause of the happiest moments of his life and he wanted that back damn it.

He just. Needs to make sure Lance wants it too.

“Tell me… are you sorry, Lance?”

Lance nodded.

“Did you spend these years wallowing in regret?”

Lance’s eyes looked damp too.

“You have no idea.”

Keith nods, “are you sorry for the stupidly devastating way you just handled things right now…?”

Lance opened his mouth to speak but paused. Keith retrieved his arms from where they’d landed on Lance’s chest in the shift in position and Lance reflexively pulled him in closer.

“I’m not going to lie, I’m only sorry it was devastating to you. I’m not sorry that I get to be holding you right now, that you’re in my lap looking at me like you might actually be willing to come home with me…I’m a dick but I’m not going to spit in the face of the universe.”

Keith rolled his eyes and uncrossed his arms, letting them lean against Lance’s chest again.

“You’re a dumbass.”

“Yes.”

“I’m not coming home with you.”

Lance nods quietly at that one. He’s doesn’t seem disappointed, like he knew it was a stretch when he said it.

And it was. And Keith is already letting him off too easy it’s just…

Keith really wants to kiss him. Really wants to go home with him and forget the last few years ever happened. Hold him until morning and know he’ll never leave his side again.

“You… really hurt me Lance.”

Lance’s brows furrow and he breathes out through his nose and he leans his head forward to press against Keith’s forehead.

“And I am so, so sorry.”

“I could have given you everything— I did give you everything…!” Keith is panicking, because he knows what he wants and knows what he deserves, and he hates that in this moment Lance isn’t both.

And Lance knows it.

“Baby—baby, I know, I know I don’t deserve you. I know I ruined everything for us but please— if you’ll let me, I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”

Fuck.

Fuck Keith wanted to believe him.

“How can I trust that…?” His voice sounds weak and cracked and he hates it. “You couldn’t commit to me before how the hell are you supposed to commit to me like that now?”

“I was a stupid college kid who didn’t know any better. If I could go back to that cute little place we rented on our anniversary— the one where you tried to make pancakes you beautiful absolute chaos creature— I’d have asked you to marry me because living like this, without you has been the worst time of my life and I promise you— I promise—Keith…?”

“...marry you…?”

Lance blinks, reaching up with one hand and wiping one of Keith’s wayward tears off his cheek as Keith stares at him with wide eyes.

Lance tries to keep the awkward smile from playing on his face because he realizes mentioning marriage when your ex boyfriend is struggling with the idea of being with your ungrateful ass again something that big should probably wait but…

But it’s true. Lance should have asked Keith to marry him then, and he would happily do so now. If Keith wanted.

Keith lowers his head and mumbles something short and quick that Lance doesn’t catch.

“Sweetheart?”

“You don’t really mean that… do you…?”

Lance sighs and nods, “I do. I know I shouldn’t because I hurt you, but I do. I’ve spent the last few years mourning the life I could have had with you— that we should have had together. Kitten, I promise if you let me I’ll do everything in my power to make sure nothing, especially me, ever hurts you again.”

Keith feels his resolve breaking. As if he had any left when he sat in Lance’s lap and told him he wasn’t a monster.

“Call me that again…” he mumbles, staring at the collar of Lance’s shirt. It’s a deep v neck, showing off a bit of that firm chest Keith loves so much. He wishes he were staring out of love and not because he doesn’t think his heart can handle looking into Lance’s face.

Lance leans forward again, and Keith can hear the smile on his lips even if he can feel the tension in his arms.

“Kitten…”

“I want to kiss you, but I don’t think I can.” Keith barks abruptly. “Feels like I lose if I kiss you. It’s me giving in and forgiving you. But if you kiss me then it’s you being selfish and careless again. But I want to kiss you. So, so badly.”

Lance remains perfectly still for a long moment before Keith makes a small noise, “Please be selfish one more time…?”

And Lance is gone to do his bidding, one hand at the small of Keith’s back, the other just behind his neck as he captures his lips. Heart pounding so loud in his chest he feels like it might actually kill him. But so is Keith’s. Keith whose arms wrap around Lance’s neck and head to keep him as close as possible. Keith who pushes his body and conforms to Lance’s in a way that makes if feel like they’ve never been apart. They always just fit together like this and always would.

Keith’s lips are soft. Softer than he remembered them. A testament to the effort Keith put into his date before he’d come around to wreck it. But given how Keith slowly moves his lips against Lance’s, that Lance is the one who gets to taste those lips even if it’s just for a moment— well then it was kind of worth it right?

But as quick as it starts, it’s over and Keith is panting with his forehead against Lance’s cheek.

“Thank you.” He breathes out. And Lance can’t help it.

Can’t help but say the words out loud, the ones that he never said when he was supposed to before.

“I love you.”

Keith freezes.

Lance feels his insides start to twist uncomfortably.

Keith slowly raises his head to stare into Lance’s face and Lance knows he can’t hide the fear in his eyes.

“Again.” Keith mouths.

Lance’s face implores him, he’s terrified of these words, of saying them to Keith in this position. Talking about his desire to spend the rest of his life with him doesn’t feel as dangerous. If Keith were to hear those words from his lips and fail to believe him— to call him a liar—

He’s not lying.

He’s not lying, and Keith will know that and even if he doesn’t, even if Keith is still in too much pain to believe those words are true and he lashed out then— well, Lance deserves it doesn’t he?

“...I love you, Keith.”

Keith is silent, staring, his nearly violet eyes bare through him and give nothing away.

“I always have I was just… too stupid to believe it.. to say it…”

“Lance…” Keith’s voice is steady. “...again.”

“...I love you…”

Still Keith watches.

“Kitten…?”

“I guess you are a monster… to say that to me. Here. Now. Of all times and places…”

Lance feels his heart start to shatter at those words, but it doesn’t match Keith’s face, doesn’t match the way he starts to crawl off his lap but instead holds his hand, keeps their fingers intertwined as he pulls him up off the booth.

“Now you have to take me home, make me feel it.”

Oh.

Keith smiles at him and Lance feels like he’s seeing the sun shine for the first time in years, in the middle of the night in this parking lot.

Lance smiles and Keith feels like the pit of ice that had started in his gut and travelled up his chest to swallow up his heart so long ago was finally, finally, melting away.

Lance shows him to his newer blue civic. It’s still an old used car but this one is from this decade. Keith hates it, because he says this car doesn’t remember him like the old one does.

Lance laughs but Keith is already leading him, laying back against the passenger side door and pulling Lance down to him.

It’s an invitation and Lance wants to take it but waits. Waits because after everything, every move from here on out is for Keith.

And Keith intends to take advantage of it, “Hey Lance… you can start now.”

“Start....?”

Keith’s fingers tug at Lance’s V-neck, laying his head back against the car and peering up through hooded eyes, “Say it again. And make me feel it.”

Lance stares at him, feels one of Keith’s knees start to slide up his thigh, and he wonders how the hell he ever gave this up. Lance nuzzles into Keith’s neck, extended as it was by his position, and breaths him in, “God, I love you so much.”

Keith huffs, a more pleasant sound than when he’d done so earlier, “Yeah, I knew it, already getting old…”

Lance raises his head so fast, a small whimper in his throat and Keith laughs outright.

“Relax dumbass... one more time.”

“I don’t think I want to, now.” Lance whines.

Keith rolls his eyes, “Again. Lance. Please.”

Lance kisses him instead. It comes as a surprise and Keith’s hand almost comes up to push him away, but Lance is already leaning back, “No, you don’t have to say please. I love you. I’ll say it however many times you need me to, as many times as I can, no matter how much you want to tease me because fuck it I deserve it.”

Keith leans his head back against the car again, “Yeah, you do. But I’ll stop… for now. You can kiss me again instead.”

Lance nods and moves back in, lips against Keith’s once again, his hands wandering into Keith’s hair and tugging absently because he still can’t grasp how this might actually be his life again and he needed to latch on to something. Keith doesn’t seem to mind. He’s the first to part his lips, tongue not asking for permission so much as demanding it and Lance can’t give it fast enough.

Lance will do better this time. Make sure Keith never regrets tonight.

Will also have to dig out that little red box he’d bought so many years ago. Make good on that overwhelming desire that had scared him so much in the first place.

#klance #laith #voltron klance #bottom keith #bottom!keith #top!lance #top lance #post break up #getting back together #previous relationship #break up fic #lime #love confessions #idiots in love #commitment issues #lance is kind of a dick #he will absolutely spend the rest of his life making it up to Keith tho so chill

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seyaryminamoto · 7 years

Note

How far do you plan ahead when writing Gladiator?

Well, it’s been a wild, non-linear ride with Gladiator. Other things have been much easier to plan, but plotting Gladiator is a process that never seems to end.

The first thing I planned, solidly, was the conclusion of Part 2 (I split the story in three parts in my head: Part 1 ends at chapter 101, Part 2 is where we are now, Part 3 will be… the utterly insane resolution of everything). It must have been on the third day of pondering ideas for the fic that I came up with that, and while a lot of my plotting has changed, that particular idea for Part 2 hasn’t. I had no clue what the lead-up would be, or what would happen later, I hadn’t worked out all the details, but I’ve always known we’re headed towards that major peak in the story, and the process has mostly been about building my way towards it.

Part 1′s conclusion was also something I planned relatively early, at the behest of my beta asking when would Sokka and Azula seal the deal and how xD I was unsure at first, but eventually I realized what was the right way to make it happen. I needed it to happen at a culminant moment, something big, and the idea of it happening as the aftermath of a fight with Toph also was what led me to realize Toph was the perfect rival gladiator for Sokka, and thus, I started planning Toph’s involvement in the story, partnership with Iroh, and so on.

So, one thing led to another, slowly I started drawing out ideas on what I needed to do. The people close to the development process asked me questions about certain points of the story, or character developments, or even suggested plot ideas in case I was stuck someplace, and that helped me get the whole story into shape.

I think it took… well, I don’t know, months or even a whole year before I knew where the story was headed for real. One big plan I had for a while was for Ozai to take Sokka as his own gladiator eventually, choosing to take him away from Azula as to punish her (for the obvious, yes…). Then I concocted that Azula could end up sponsoring Katara as the two of them fought to get Sokka back, while Aang and Zuko worked to defeat/kill Ozai…

… I say all this freely now because practically every bit of this idea has been discarded in favor of something that makes waaaay more sense than that xD

I pondered so many things, opened doors and closed them, took steps in a direction and then backed down. I confess I even considered the Zutara route at the start, very briefly, as Aang would have been a 12-year-old while everyone else was older. That would have made a Kataang outcome kind-of extremely awkward so I pondered the obvious alternate possibility.

But when a certain Zuki whisperer offered me a few ideas on how to make Zuki happen in the story, I chose a completely different direction for Zuko’s development, and honest to gods I’m thrilled I did. Without my awareness, Zuko’s story ended up serving as a major subplot that will eventually play a great part in the main plot, once his story collides with that of our main characters again. And when I think about it, I couldn’t have done this if I had chosen a different direction.

In all seriousness, I think it must have taken me about a year to finally make up my mind about where we were headed for good, in regards of Part 3. I had to really ponder it, and not take it lightly. I couldn’t just go with whatever felt right, because in the end this story isn’t quite a melodrama (which is what that outline with Ozai sponsoring Sokka would have been, major melodrama, this ain’t a soap opera!). The more I built it, the more loose ends I would have to tie. I opened a ton of possibilities from the get-go, and I plotted things without much connection at the very start, knowing that whatever couldn’t get tied in would have to be discarded. But this wasn’t just a capture story, star-crossed lovers, all we know and love. Gladiator was shaping up into an epic, and it didn’t deserve to be plotted as anything other than that.

So, my crazy aspirations and subconscious decisions brought me to make this story more than just the ship tale I originally had been thinking of. Because why lie? I came to this fandom to gush about my ship, first and foremost. Back when I was still writing The Reason I saw the big stories on FF.net, the crazy chapter counts, the length, the review counts, and thought to myself “That’s a lot of dedication, I wish I had it in me to come up with a story like that”, I honestly never believed I’d end up joining those stories, AT ALL.

But Gladiator has become something much bigger than me and than anything I could have anticipated. I certainly didn’t think I’d get the huge response I got, because it was way bigger than what I got for any of my other fics, even at its earliest stages. The Reason had felt huge for me, but it took around 16-17 chapters for it to get to 100 reviews, whereas Gladiator hit that mark at chapter 10. I had considered it could get more popular than my other stories, I knew it was on a different league from everything I’d ever written, but I never expected the response to be quite as overwhelming as it was.

Still, I did know Gladiator was going to be ridiculously long and much more ambitious than anything else I’d ever written. I got the suggestion for this story from Chaosconetic, but for about a month I didn’t really make up my mind about writing it. I thought it was okay, a possible story if I got tired of my main storyline at the time (The Reason), but I didn’t give it much thought until one night I went to bed and the thought of that gladiator story came back into my head. The next thing I knew, I was lying wide awake as I was overwhelmed by the possibilities of writing a story so big that I’d have a chance to basically feature everything I ever wanted to see from my OTP. Eventually, the possibilities widened further: I could also develop a lot of things that the original show didn’t explore thoroughly, and even rewrite a few things into what I would have liked to see from the show instead of what we got.

I went to my beta, to my closest friends at the time (of whom there’s still a few around, to this day), and I told them about this story. My beta’s response in particular was what pushed me forward because as soon as I was done giving her the concept she as good as shouted “WRITE THIS!” and I simply couldn’t even consider saying no xD I was daunted… but I wanted to give it a shot anyways, and see how it would go.

So yes, the massive story is almost five years old and, believe it or not, still under construction, plot-wise. As I said, the plotting process is absolutely not linear, and even to this day I’ve been pondering certain story arcs, listening to suggestions and possibilities for the future of the story. The general concepts usually remain more or less in place, but sometimes I find myself tweaking ideas and changing directions, but while always making sure I can get to where I’m going.

So, how far ahead do I plot? As far as my mind will allow it. I pretty much know what the conclusive scene will be, while also knowing what I’ll have in the epilogue. But I can’t say I know every single scene that will lead us there, despite having outlined most of what will happen in the future. Some story arcs are more obscure than others, some major events are still too tricky to figure out completely, some I go back and forth with (I was about to discard an upcoming story arc before realizing it would work really well if I changed a single factor in it…), some developments occur to me exactly as I’m writing them. It’s a complicated process in general, one I try to keep track of on a document where I have tried to organize my ideas properly, but even then it’s impossible to anticipate to the twists the story could take on its own.

In any case, I’m always plotting, pretty much. It really feels like a never-ending process and tbh, I think I’m going to feel terribly lonely when I finish the story and no longer have something of this magnitude to work with. It’s been such a massive part of me for so long, and every part of the writing process has been essential for Gladiator to be what it is. Plotting it has turned into a pleasure that never gets old, really. Every new idea worth writing feels like finding money in my pockets that I’d forgotten was there.

Anyways, that got long xD But I hope you understand my plotting process a little better now, at least.

#itsreapers-arts #gladiator

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