#I spent a morning and most of an afternoon feeling somewhat possessed as I created this timeline in a state of hyperfixation 2 weeks ago

[reginavulturum]

Batman Beyond Series Timeline

NOTE: I created this timeline based on the idea that Terry doesn't become Batman until the second half of his sophomore year and then I just sort of pieced everything together from there and it worked out pretty well for the most part. If I've messed anything up though, please let me know. I've included some further explanations for my decisions about this timeline as well as some thoughts about how this timeline effects the series after the read more. Also it might be helpful as you read this to have the episode list on hand.

Between January and May of 2039, during the second half of Terry’s sophomore year, he becomes Batman. This time spans from “Rebirth” to “Earth Mover” with Terry becoming Batman before Spring but after he turns 16. This puts his birthday between January and, at the latest, March, assuming the Spring Fling in “Golem” happens right before Spring break. This means that Spring break of 2039 occurs between “Golem” and “Meltdown”.

Summer break 2039 occurs between mid-late May to mid-late August over the time span of “Joyride” to “Lost Soul”

The first half of Terry’s junior year begins in mid-late August of 2039 and ends sometime in late December. This time spans from “Hidden Agenda” to “Final Cut” with Winter break occurring between “Final Cut” and “The Last Resort”.

The beginning of the second half of Terry’s junior year starts sometime in January 2040 until Spring break. During this time, Terry would have turned 17. This time spans from “The Last Resort” to “Zeta”. Spring break occurs after “Zeta” and ends right around the time of “Plague”. The rest of Terry’s junior year occurs in the time span of “April Moon” to “Ace in the Hole” (approx.  mid-late March to mid-late May) with “King’s Ransom” occurring either right before or right after the beginning of Summer break.

Summer of 2040 occurs from mid-late May to mid-late August. “Return of the Joker” happens sometime after “King’s Ransom” but before “Untouchable” with “Untouchable” being the last Summer episode before the new school year.

The first half of Terry’s senior year begins in mid-late August of 2040 and ends in late December. This time spans from “Inqueling” to “Unmasked”. “Out of the Past” occurs in late October. From “Out of the Past to “Unmasked”, the rest of the season takes place between November and early December. The crossover episode with “The Zeta Project”, “Shadows”, has to occur immediately after “Countdown” in either late November or early December with “Unmasked” happening shortly after that.

The “Static Shock” crossover episode “Future Shock” occurs after “Unmasked”, either right before or right after the beginning of Winter break of 2040 in late December.

The "Justice League: Unlimited" episode "Epilogue" occurs 15 years after "Rebirth" when Terry is 31.

1. The Zeta Problem

(a) In the animated series “The Zeta Project”, we’re told that Zeta (see "Going Rogue" section) broke from his programming and went on the run in early August of 2041. This timeline assumes that that date is incorrect along with any other timeline discrepancies caused by that show. “Zeta” can’t be in August if “Plague” is in March.

2. Assumptions and Explanations

(a) I know some people think that Terry’s exchange with the security guard outside Blight’s office in “Rebrith” (“little early for Halloween”/”just in time for Fall”) means that episode occurs in Fall of 2039, but sometimes a joke is just a joke and it makes more sense for the Spring Fling to occur in “Golem” two episodes later if Terry became Batman only a couple of months at most before that dance.

(b) Max likely discovers Terry is Batman towards the beginning of junior year, around late August to early September at most. I and others place this episode in Fall because a poster for a Homecoming Dance is featured in one scene and those usually happen at the beginning of the school year. I think the GAT is probably a General Aptitude Test given at the beginning of each new school year to determine where students are at academically before finalizing class schedules.

(c) In the episode “Revenant”, Terry’s reference to Willie getting out in time for junior prom after two more months in juvie could be read as “just in time for junior prom [at the end of the school year]” not that they’re necessarily two months away from the end of junior year. With Spring break happening nine episodes later, a lot more time than two months would have to pass for Willie to get out just barely in time for junior prom.

(d) The episode “Eyewitness” most likely occurs in November of 2039 since Sam Young is up for re-election as district attorney.

(e) The reason I set “Out of the Past” in late October of 2040 is because in at least one other Batman cartoon, "The Batman" (2004), Bruce's birthday is in October (see "Trivia" section). If you do a quick google search, there's like three other birthdays/months listed for Bruce across the DC multiverse so I just went with the one that was most convenient to my timeline and I make no apologies.

(f) I tend to think that “The Call” had to occur during Thanksgiving break because I can’t imagine Mary would have let Bruce send Terry to Metropolis if he wasn't on break, but that’s just an assumption.

(g) I believe Terry’s training with Kairi began around the start of his senior year and continued through until part 2 of “Curse of the Kobra”. I believe the events we see through most of part 1 of “Curse of the Kobra” occurred over the same span of time that passes between “Inqueling” and “Betrayal”. Mostly I believe this is the case because Terry’s training probably would have taken months and thinking of it this way makes the timline a bit tidier.  

(h) I set “Future Shock” right after “Unmasked” because KOBRA has a new leader (Zander is gone) and I kept it in December on the timeline because Terry looks dressed for cold weather.

(i) In the "Justice League: Unlimited" episode "Epilogue", Terry says that he was 16 when he became Batman. Some people think that means he didn't become Batman until the beginning of his junior year, but it's just as possible he became Batman during the second half of sophomore year if he has a birthday between January to March at the absolute latest (see my first bullet point for why). We know "Epilogue" occurs 15 years after "Rebirth" because Dana says she and Terry have been dating for 15 years and we know they likely didn't start dating until just before "Rebirth" when they were 16.

3. Rebirth Recontextualized

(a) Assuming “Big Time” occurs in September to early October of 2040 and we know Charlie Bigelow spent two years in jail, than he and Terry must have gone to prison sometime in September to early October of 2038. This would’ve been during the first half of Terry’s sophomore year and explains why in “Rebirth” he’s been split up from Matt (his parents think he’s a bad influence) and why things are so tense between him and Warren. If Terry was arrested in September/early October and did 3 months then he might not have gotten out of juvie until around late December/winter break, right before the series starts during the second half of his sophomore year. It seems that between his release and becoming Batman is when he and Dana got together since Mary talks like she doesn’t really know her in “Rebirth”. He’s basically just a couple months out of juvie when he becomes Batman.

(b) The first comic featuring Batman was published in March of 1939, so “Batman Beyond” starting around the same time of year in 2039 is really satisfying. As it happened, it was fairly easy to fit a timeline around that start time without too much finagling.

#batman beyond #dcau #batman beyond timeline #terry mcginnis #this is the timeline I use when writing Batman Beyond fanfic #I spent a morning and most of an afternoon feeling somewhat possessed as I created this timeline in a state of hyperfixation 2 weeks ago #it's been edited many times since then including a few times today #this post is mostly a reference for me but I want to be able to show it to other people if they have questions about my BB fanfics' timelin #anyway here's a fun fact for anyone who bothers to read the tags #Earth-1 Batman and my Mom share a birthday

[mostlycompetentwriter]

Treasure- Part 4

M/F Pairing: Y/N x Kim Hongjoong (Ateez)

Genre: Fantasy AU, Pirate AU

Word Count: 3.5K

Warnings: Smut at the end, language throughout

Tag List:  @ pastel-crystals @ purpleprincesslea @ x-lilyofthevalley-x @ baekxhwa @ bootysand @ suju-hit-me-like-a-wreckingball @ yunderfullthings @ dreamshopesforward @ kiara-reighns @ fivesecondsofsarang @ speedilyunadulteratedcandy @ sansugar @ xxhzxqhxx @ erica-kay @ teeztheflag

Despite his promise, Hongjoong never demonstrated more than a comfortable camaraderie whenever he requested my time. I was always expecting the command to which I would willingly obey, but the Pirate Captain usually offered me a quiet dinner with surprisingly civil conversation. He often asked about my life back on the island, posture relaxed while he listened to me speak. It was a surprising shift in character considering Hongjoong’s initial attitude when I was brought on board. Now, he treated me less like a prisoner and more of a possession to be treated with care. 

As for the rest of the crew, I enjoyed a symbiotic relationship with the other pirates. In the mornings, Yunho would always prepare breakfast, ensuring that I was fed before his members. When the sun was at its highest point, I sometimes assisted San and Wooyoung with their chores down below the main deck. And at night, I envied the mysterious Yeosang who kept watch from atop the crow’s nest for potential threats. On occasion, the younger boy would allow me to join him up there amongst the stars, looking out over the ocean and listening to the splash of the water against the hull. 

At other times, the crew gathered together in the evenings to play a rather unique card game. On the first night, I had watched them from afar, learning through observation how to play the correct hand. Because there was a certain science to the game that involved a lot of wits and careful planning. It was also important to keep a close eye on San and Wooyoung who were more than willing to cheat their way to victory. When I finally felt confident enough to join them for the very first time, I sat in the middle of the troublesome boys and joined the chaos that was becoming a very competitive gambling tournament.

I had also become well-acquainted with the other crew members on Hongjoong’s precious ship, like the brilliant Jongho who demonstrated on more than one occasion his uncanny strength. There was also Park Seonghwa who was in charge of navigation. He liked to find the strangest places to unfold his maps, charting our next course with precision. I admired his careful organization, keeping attention to detail as he explained his work to me with a passionate tone. And I was almost positive that he was a certified genius.

Finally, there was Mingi, the older pirate who still regarded me with an air of contempt. It was obvious that he didn’t like me very much, but I think he tolerated my presence since the Captain still allowed me onboard. Because that was the one thing that all these interesting characters had in common, their profound loyalty to the baffling Pirate Captain who had proven to be nothing like I initially believed.

In the end, everything always came back to Hongjoong who I had slowly started to feel comfortable around. He was deeply affectionate with his crew members, and I was starting to become a recipient of his caring nature. It certainly made life more tolerable on the ship, especially when it was obvious that I had earned their respect.

Currently, our crew was set to sail for the fabled British waters. Hongjoong intended to keep his promise to the Pirate Lords and lead a series of attacks against the naval vessels. He wanted to set an example, hoping to demonstrate his power in an effort to dissuade future Commodores from attacking innocent Pirate crews.

We had been sailing for almost a week without reprieve and I was starting to feel the effects of being away from land for so long. I never complained because I felt like I had no reason to voice my discomfort when Hongjoong never forced me to work like the others. But it was becoming increasingly difficult to sit still throughout the day and watch everyone else move about the ship while I had nothing substantial to do for fun. 

This is why I decided to create my own special version of the card game, twisting the rules of what the rest of the crew had already established. Thus, I settled against the side of the deck that morning, organizing a blank set of cards that I had procured from Yeosang who always possessed the most interesting objects. Hongjoong found me later that day in this predicament, resting in the shadows as I shuffled through a deck of cards. “It’s not a game to play alone,” the Captain greeted me.

“I’m trying something new,” I told him in return.

“New?” he chuckled, leaning against the banister. “I’m impressed.”

“Just wait,” I grinned. “I want to try it tonight with the other guys. I think it’ll keep San and Wooyoung from trying anything nefarious.”

“Obviously you don’t know them very well,” Hongjoong said. “They always find a way to break the rules.”

“We’ll see about that,” I said determinedly. “Was there something you needed?”

“A request,” he replied. “If you’ll accept?”

“I guess it depends on what you want,” I said.

“Just your time,” Hongjoong said. “Tonight in my cabin.”

“Oh?” was all I said in return, remembering the last time I had visited Hongjoong’s cabin, expecting him to act on his promise from a month ago. Instead, the Captain had me sit on his bed while he busied himself with Seonghwa’s maps, occasionally asking for my opinion on a particular route. I was surprised that he wanted my input but entertained his questions until he quietly dismissed me without another word.

“We might reach British waters as early as tomorrow evening,” Hongjoong said.

“Really?”

He nodded. “Don’t think less of me, love. There are difficult decisions ahead of us.”

His words confused me, but I knew it was impossible to figure out Hongjoong’s intentions. “When should I come?”

“Midnight,” he said, sparing me a quick, fleeting glance before he returned to the helm.

“Hello, boys,” I grinned, shuffling through the stack of cards in my hands while observing their current game. 

“What do you want?” Mingi grumbled, barely paying me any attention while shoving a cigarette between his teeth.

“I have something fun for us,” I said. “A new game I made.”

“A new game!” Wooyoung perked up, disregarding the favorable selection of cards in hand to look at me with wide eyes. “What is it?”

“Something I spent all afternoon working on,” I said, dropping the cards onto the edge of the table. “We should play this instead.”

“No thanks,” Mingi said, rolling his eyes while he attempted to return Wooyoung’s attention to their game.

“It might be interesting,” San spoke up, abandoning his cards to retreat around the table, standing over me with his chin tucked on my shoulder. 

“Thank you, Sannie,” I grinned, grateful that the younger boy had always been there to lend me his support since I first stepped aboard the ship. When he wasn’t causing all sorts of mischief with Wooyoung, San was a pretty remarkable person who was incredibly intuitive. 

“I want to try Y/N’s game,” Wooyoung said, leaning against Yunho for support. “Please?”

Despite his tough appearance, Yunho was actually warm-hearted and he held a soft spot for Wooyoung. “I don’t mind,” he said.

“Whatever,” Mingi grunted, kicking back his stool with more attitude than necessary. He glared at me as he passed by before disappearing below the deck with a muttered curse. Meanwhile, Wooyoung and Yunho were already clearing the table of the discarded bottles of alcohol while Seonghwa politely sorted through everyone’s cards.

“Okay,” I said, sliding into Mingi’s abandoned seat. “The rules are simple.”

In actuality, I did my best to make the game as convoluted as possible. Because it left no room for Wooyoung and San’s cheating if they could barely grasp the concept of our card game. Plus, I was still determined to challenge Park Seonghwa who was far too smart for his own good. 

For the most part, the game was very similar to the cards the boys had taught me when I had been first welcomed. Back then, I often sat next to Yunho or Jongho and allowed them to talk me through every move and careful decision. I learned rather quickly and started playing on my own, even though it was often difficult to emerge victorious when it came to Wooyoung and San. Still, it was nice to feel like they wanted me around with the exception of Mingi who continued to insist on ignoring me whenever I happened to come around.

“What do the dice have to do with anything?” Wooyoung asked now, obviously quite irritated as he struggled to understand the rules.

“It depends on the card you draw,” I explained. “Certain cards allow you the opportunity to roll the dice.”

“Oh, whatever,” San huffed. “Let’s just play.”

“No problem,” I agreed, shuffling the cards before distributing seven to each player who had joined our small circle while the other crew members lingered in the background.

I held up my stack, passing my eyes across each card. “I’ll start with this,” I said, turning over one of my cards.

Wooyoung studied my card with intense scrutiny. “Okay, I’ll put this down,” he said, somewhat hesitant in his movements. 

After everyone played their first card, I carefully explained how betting would work during each round. “Two chips each,” I said.

“How do you come up with that?” San asked, clearly perplexed as he watched me slide two of my tokens into the center pile.

“I told you at the beginning,” I said, laughing at the look of utter confusion on his face.

I waited for each player to select a new card. “Does anybody have something that can complete a hand?”

“Me!” Yunho yelled, swiping a golden-tinted card from his stack. “An automatic completion.”

“No fair!” Wooyoung protested, watching Yunho drag the pile of chips in his direction.

“I don’t see a problem,” Yunho quipped in return. “Who draws next?”

“Me,” San quickly interceded, reaching for a card from the shrinking deck at the center of our table. “What the hell does the horse mean again?” 

“Take another two cards,” Seonghwa replied, an intense look of concentration sharpening his features. 

“My turn!” Wooyoung grinned, but I knocked his hand away before he could take a new selection. 

“We have to wait for San.”

“This is so confusing,” Wooyoung whined, slamming his cards down against the table with a pout.

Meanwhile, San examined his cards with narrowed eyes. “Four of a kind,” he grinned, presenting the cards in overdramatic fashion. “I get to roll the dice now!”

“Let me check,” Wooyoung insisted, snatching San’s cards away with a heavy sigh. Meanwhile, San was already throwing the dice across the table.

“Six!” he said, holding out an expectant hand. “Pay up, assholes.”

With a grimace, Seonghwa reluctantly pushed his chips in San’s direction. “This game makes absolutely no sense.”

“Of course it does,” I said. “I spent all afternoon working on this.”

“Well, you didn’t do a very good job,” Wooyoung muttered.

“You’ve been complaining all night,” I said while observing my remaining cards. “Nobody forced you to play.” 

“Yeah? But there’s nothing better to do,” he complained. “You’re gonna win anyway because you actually understand what’s going on.”

“Really?” I smirked. “Since you can’t cheat now!”

“I never cheat,” he lied smoothly. “Sometimes, I try and help my situation.”

“By cheating,” Yunho said, shuffling through his cards as he tried desperately to find what he was looking for. “Fine, I don’t have the stupid Dragon so Seongwha wins.”

The ship’s navigator grinned triumphantly while dragging Yunho’s chips into his rapidly accumulating pile. “It looks like Seonghwa understands.”

“But he’s a genius so it doesn’t count,” Wooyoung said.

“Are you saying that you want to give up?” I challenged the younger, but Wooyoung was never one to turn away from an obvious taunt.

“I’ll figure it out,” he insisted, even as his chip pile continued to grow lower and lower with each subsequent round of play.

Eventually, despite Wooyoung’s best efforts, it came down between me and Seonghwa and I was suddenly more determined than ever to win. “My heart completes the hand,” I said, exposing the card so that he could clearly observe my victory before reaching for the pile of chips. 

“But I draw first,” Seonghwa said, eyeing his new card with interest.

I frowned. “What is it?”

“Nothing,” he chuckled, tucking it away before adding an extra chip to our new betting pile.

But I knew Seonghwa better than that at this point in time. And I was on edge the longer we continued to exchange cards and chips, waiting for the finishing blow. “I have money on you Seonghwa,” San said, growing impatient as he started to pace back and forth.

“I hope it wasn’t a lot,” I said, finally securing the card I had been waiting for, playing it shamelessly as I sat back in my chair with a smirk. “I win.”

Seonghwa was silent for a moment, fingering the edges of the familiar card he had previously drawn. However, he eventually released a dramatic sigh, returning his cards to the pile before pushing his chips across the table. “Congratulations, Y/N.”

Wooyoung squealed from behind me. “That’s the first time Seonghwa has ever lost!”

I felt a warm pride settle in the center of my chest as I counted the chips in front of me. “He can’t be good at everything.”

“I guess I’m not,” Seonghwa said, offering me a quick wink before giving up his chair to an eager crew member who was demanding that we play a new game. I was quick to acquiesce, grabbing the cards to start shuffling while watching Seonghwa from the corner of my eyes. He was talking to Yunho, smiling brightly despite his recent loss, which confused me because I didn’t think Seonghwa would take to losing so generously...And I couldn’t help but think that Seonghwa had let me win on purpose.

I knocked on Hongjoong’s cabin door at midnight, prompt as usual since the Captain emphasized organization and timeliness to the rest of his crew. However, I couldn’t help but wonder if he would be willing to make an exception for me. After all, Hongjoong rarely raised his voice around me anymore, even if I did something mischievous like raid Yunho’s store of chocolate with Wooyoung.

“Come inside,” Hongjoong said when he answered my call, taking a step back to allow me enough room to slip in through the doorway.

“You know, this is rather late even for someone like you,” I remarked, admiring the display of candles on the mantle.

“Yes, but the crew are asleep,” Hongjoong said. “We’ll have privacy.”

I arched a brow at him. “Is there something you want, Captain, that necessitates privacy?”

He smirked knowingly. “I just want a promise from you this time, love.”

“A promise from me?” I repeated. 

“Yes,” Hongjoong nodded. “It might not make any sense now, but it’s important to me that you keep your word.”

“Of course I will,” I affirmed, even if I wanted to point out the hypocrisy behind Hongjoong’s words.

“There might be a moment when you feel like I’ve treated you unfairly,” Hongjoong began, and his serious tone suddenly seemed out of place. “I want you to know that I would never do anything to hurt you. Even if it might seem like I did, you have to remember this moment.”

I simply stared at the Captain. “What’s going on?”

Hongjoong sighed like the entire weight of the world rested solely on his shoulders. “There’s nothing for you to worry about.”

“It doesn’t seem that way,” I said, watching him sit down at his desk. “I’m worried.”

“Don’t be,” Hongjoong said, grabbing a pen from its ink container. “My intentions for you, love, always take into account your well-being.”

It didn’t seem that way to me, especially since Hongjoong seemed burdened by everything he was saying. “You seem sad,” I observed, reaching out to curl my fingers into the fabric of his jacket. “Have I done something wrong?”

Hongjoong chuckled. “If anything, love, you’ve been too perfect.”

I shifted backward, watching as he removed the jacket to reveal a thin cotton shirt underneath. “Is that the only reason you asked me to come here?”

“Not exactly,” he said, turning his head to the side as if to make sure I couldn’t possibly misinterpret his words. “I think it’s time I keep my promise to you, love.”

“T-tonight?” I stuttered, clearing my throat because I didn’t understand why I suddenly felt so nervous.

“Unless you don’t want to,” Hongjoong said, finally dismissing the stack of papers on his desk. He stood tall over me, cornering me back against the frame of the bed. “I won’t force you.”

“I know,” I said, hesitantly reaching out to steady my hands against his chest. “But it’s been so long and I didn’t know if you were even interested in me anymore.”

He tilted my chin up, forcing our eyes to meet. “You’re the most interesting person I’ve ever met, Y/N. Never think otherwise.”

It was strangely emotional, the way he spoke to me. “I won’t,” I managed to say because my heart was racing in my chest and he was very close to me. 

“Lay down,” he instructed me gently and I wordlessly complied, making myself comfortable against the sparse sheets. Meanwhile, Hongjoong had grabbed the hem of his shirt, bringing it over his head before tossing it into the floor. My breath hitched in my throat, admiring his lean torso, muscles building his frame from years of hard work aboard the ship. “You’re beautiful,” he told me earnestly. “Can you take off your clothes for me?”

I nodded in response, trembling fingers making quick work of my pants, fingernails scratching the skin of my thighs as I quickly forced them down my legs. I toed them off on the floor, reaching down for my shirt before allowing it to join the pile of clothes we were accumulating against the hardwood floors of the cabin. I slowly exhaled when I was fully naked, resisting the urge to cover myself because Hongjoong’s gaze was intense, eyes moving up and down my figure with barely constrained lust. “Perfect,” he whispered, weight dipping along the edge of the bed. I was a complete mess, barely holding back when he was hovering over me, all sinewy muscles and hard lines from the crest of his shoulders to the curves of his legs. 

“Please,” I groaned, tangling my hands in the soft strands of strawberry hair before forcing his mouth against mine, kissing him with an urgency resulting from an entire month of covetous glances on the main deck. 

“I want you so much,” Hongjoong said, voice husky as his words made me feel nothing short of desired. 

“You shouldn’t have kept me waiting,” I teased him, despite the Captain’s crooked smile.

His kisses were scorching, igniting a flame of desire in the parts of my soul that had never been touched before. I felt his hands trail down my legs, parting my thighs so that I could finally feel his hot erection. “Yes,” I moaned, breaking our kiss to look at the place where he was sliding inside, bringing us together intimately while he started to nose along the side of my neck. “I can’t trust myself around you, love,” he said. “You make me a very dangerous man.”

His cock hit deeper. “You were already dangerous, Captain.”

Fingers brushed teasingly down the sides of my waist, thumbs digging into the jutting bones of my hips. “Let me try again,” he insisted. “I can’t control the way I feel and that makes me dangerous to everyone, including myself.” 

I moaned when his teeth followed the curve of my neck, arched back against his ministrations. “Which is a bad thing?”

“Very,” he agreed. “When I would sacrifice everything, even my own life, just to see you safe.”

“You don’t mean that,” I said, gasping at an aggressive thrust that nearly knocked the air out of my lungs.

“Look at me,” he growled, a sound that went straight to my growing arousal, but I still forced my eyes to open. “I do mean it,” he said. “I would do anything for you.”

I started crying, the weight of his words and the heavy presence between my legs were all playing with the delicate string barely anchoring me to reality. He was a master of seduction, breath hot as he moved in closer to my ears. “I’ll ruin you.”

That was all that I needed to tip me over the edge, losing myself completely to Hongjoong. I cried into his shoulder, gripping tighter to the smooth skin of his broad shoulders, riding out the lingering pulses of pleasure and verging on overstimulated. “Hongjoong,” I gasped, feeling his grip on my thighs tighten as he pushed in harder, barely allowing me any room to breathe. His lips were messy as they demanded long, passionate kisses.

“Hold on for me, love,” he said, hips rocking against mine for a moment longer before stilling completely. 

He collapsed next to me, chest moving up and down to accommodate his exhaustion. “You weren’t a liar,” I commented with a delirious giggle, crowding even closer to him with one arm wrapped over his waist.

Hongjoong was quiet, the only indication that he was still awake being the slow way his fingers traced along my spine. Finally, he gripped my chin, tilting my head to meet his gaze. I was surprised to see the sadness there, despite our previous coupling. “I love you,” he whispered earnestly while a few stray tears fell from the corners of his lovely brown eyes.

#ateez #ateez fanfic #ateez smut #kim hongjoong #kim hongjoong fanfic #kim hongjoong smut #hongjoong fanfic #hongjoong smut #hongjoong

[valiancyvulnerability]

A Reflection and an Apology

I do not know where to begin.

In my attempt to begin, I hope you are doing well and are in a good mental space. “Things” continue to be difficult during this time; it’s frigidly cold, and there are a multiplicity of reasons to not be okay lately, if that is the case for you.

I went MIA for a long while because I foolishly fell into a self-inflicted trap once my mental health seemed to be improving during the fall semester. I had fully convinced myself that I had no other advice to offer, I had no reason to heal thru typing my jumbled thoughts onto a computer screen, and that, my friends, was a mistake I deeply regret.

Once I had become fully adjusted to college life, I was felt truly comfortable and at ease. I involved myself in extra-curriculars, made a handful of friends, and started eating again. I remember telling my therapist at my last appointment before school that I would call her a month into the semester to check in, but I never dialed her number. I ghosted her all of first semester because it felt as if therapy was something for me to temporary utilize when I am not doing well, and I was doing, so what was the point?

A toxic part of my personality is that I choose to believe that I can solve all problems alone. In all aspects of my life, that has always been the case. Give me an issue--and I am quick to get my ass in gear and think of the most reasonable solution to execute. I was not cognizant at the time that this was playing a principal role in how I viewed my own “healing”. I was not relying on anyone else other than Carson to get better, and once I got to a convincing enough spot, I ran with it and gave myself a pat on the back. Gold star. This was all me, and simply because I got results, it seemed healthy at the time.

Once the end of October rolled around, there was a sudden turbulence that didn’t seem to be the result of anything specific. I started to slip with my schoolwork, I engaged in hour-long staring contests with the ceiling, I locked myself in my room all day and took frequent unnecessary naps, and I stopped eating once more. Back at square one. Friends and family reached out, but it all sounded like white noise to me. I have possessed the ability to just push through my entire life, and this just happens to be a rough patch. Call me egotistical, but I was fully absorbed in the idea that the only person that could help me was me.

The rest of first semester was a series of many beautiful ups and many ugly downs. It was definitely a “going through the motions” type of situation. Every thought in my brain was so askew at all times that it disguised itself as a sense of consistency and comfort. I told myself I was excited to go home for break, but I knew the transition was going to absolutely wreck me just as much as it did when I moved in, whether I chose to acknowledge it or not. 

I moved all of my belongings out of my dorm and drove back to my hometown. I drifted from all of my friends from school that were important to me. Once finals were over, I blocked out everything school-related from my brain. I spent my time with my home friends, but was rather inconsistent as a friend to them. I blew up on my family daily, using some of the most explosive and hateful language that I have ever used. The excessive sleep persisted. I texted my therapist to seek medication. She replied that her soonest opening was the morning of my birthday.

My birthday quickly approached on December 22. This was the first year I was home on my actual birthday, just because COVID had tampered with our typical holiday plans. My friends threw a birthday party for me the evening of the 21st, which meant the entire world to me. I knew about it prior, and felt a peculiar dread filling up inside of me as the day lurched forward. Are they doing this because they know I haven’t been doing well and this is just an act of pity? Do they feel like they have to? Do they even want to do it in the first place? I wanted to stay home and sleep as I had been doing all afternoon. Nonetheless, I got myself up, got ready, went and met my friends and had a great time.

On the day of my actual birthday, I woke up and went to therapy. Upon my arrival, I caught her up on what had been going on in a fit of run-on sentences and utter word vomit. She suggested medication and set me up with a psychiatrist to meet with. I knew this was finally a form of relying on someone that is there to help. Although I wasn’t being my own usual rock, it did not feel like defeat. It felt like I was slowly being lifted from underwater. That evening there was a set plan to be with my family and get dinner, have cake, the works. The day continued. to drag, and I hibernated in my room, cocooned in blankets. I finally came downstairs to use the restroom and not two seconds of me being downstairs I got in an argument with my family. In a swift movement, I got dressed, got my keys, and started to leave. I wanted to just drive around aimlessly and pretend I had a different final destination rather than just returning home. On my way out the door my mom expressed that she had tried to make the day special and felt as if she had failed as a parent. 

This was a huge turning point in where I finally stared my own struggle straight in the face, sobbing, right in my own living room as it grinned back at me. I broke down, and the feeling I was experiencing was something like being submersed in a dream that you are conscious in, yet out of control. I felt as if I was choking, I wanted to vomit, but I stood, blubbering and trembling like a frightened chihuahua. Tears spilled down my face in furious waterfalls, and the expression on my face was still as stone.

After gathering myself, I went on my drive as planned, and it was storming. What am I doing? I thought about my therapy session from that morning and recalled telling her that there was not a day where I don’t think about not being alive. It’s rare that I feel like a danger to myself, but I explained that it was more of a sensation that I desired to be in a comatose-like state in a foreign country where I was ultimately unknown, and I wouldn’t be a burden to anyone in my life anymore.

What am I doing? I felt a pull to leave Illinois altogether without warning. Don’t tell your friends or your family, just go. Their lives will continue to move forward as they have and you are doing this in order to no longer be at a halt. Drop out of school. Get a job. Get an apartment, maybe with some plants and a neat rug. Start fresh. Be the genuinely good person you have failed to be for too long. Maybe cut your hair, too.

I have felt this weird pull to be elsewhere since my birthday. I started my antidepressant, Lexapro, right before I moved back into school for second semester. I am having a difficult time making friends. I cry every day. I sleep too much. Truthfully, waking up, getting ready, and making coffee in the morning feels like an immense feat. The psychiatrist told me I would go experience a “blackbox” period for up to six weeks where I would feel alone, exhausted, nauseous, and would potentially be a danger to myself. I have felt all of these things the past few weeks.

Now that I am beginning to scrape the surface of my body being acclimated to the medication, I feel better. Like really, I do! The desire of this “elsewhere” still lingers in the back of my brain, although it has taken on somewhat of a different form. I continue to daydream of this apartment, the plants, the rug--but it is not an attempted escape. In my head, it looks like a potential adventure for healing as opposed to avoidance when life challenges my well-being. 

The biggest lesson I have had to learn (the hard way, unfortunately) from 2020 as a whole and the preceding months is that I need to start taking the initiative to do things for myself. The toll my health has taken has been overwhelming, and I had tricked myself into believing I was “doing what I needed to do” by taking an extra 3-hour nap and locking myself in my room every day.

I have had to cut out things that were no longer serving me. Some were more painful than others, but I couldn’t be apologetic for it anymore. I have had it with waking up every day in a state of complete misery, permitting others to walk on my emotions, hating my body, and the way I was living. In order for me to move in any type of positive direction, I myself had to come first. 

I still have my down days, but my lowest point is behind me now, so I can properly reflect on everything that has happened up to his point. I feel as if I owe you an apology:

If you have been a part of my life in any way, shape, or form in the past year, I am sorry. I have been inconsistent, moody, dishonest, and just a poor quality individual. In order for me to give love to anyone I cross paths with, I had to be able to provide that for myself. Instead of repairing a broken machine, I kept using it until it combusted in the faces of everyone I care about. I wish there was an immediate fix to the problems I created over time, and if there was an instant solution, I would follow it with my entire being.

From this point forward, I want to assure you that I am trying to be better. I want to be there for all of you in the way you have tried to be there for me. I have not been kind to myself, and especially nobody else. If this feels applicable to you, please reach out to me so I can do my best to make amends personally.

With love,

Carson

This is not intended to be a pity trap. I am not seeking that. However, my goal is to normalize the conversation about mental health. The truth is that we all have a brain, and more often than not, we don’t always listen to what it needs. I hope that if you find yours asking something of you, you listen.

As always, stay safe and well. If anyone ever wants to extend the conversation of mental health with me personally, do not hesitate to reach out.

[willswalkabout]

Hanoi, Hue, Hoi An

I had one night in my own room in Bangkok. Once again in Bangkok, Arsenal were playing at 2 in the morning. Luckily this time I woke up to find we’d managed to beat a non-league team on a dodgy pitch escaping with only 1 injury.

I flew the next morning to Hanoi. Having felt like I’d spent too much on taxis in Bangkok, I launched a new plan to avoid taking a solo taxi at all costs. In general while traveling I’ve left couples alone unless they join a larger group. However while approaching the taxi stand I heard an English accent and practically threw myself at one. I knew all the hostels in Hanoi are within a couple of blocks, and it indeed turned out that the guy was from Manchester and was only a 10 minute walk from my place. The walk saved me £10 as the taxi was split between 3. My first night in Hanoi involved going out for some food with 3 dutch backpackers. I had a fun conversation with Elsa, the girl in the trio, about the trials and tribulations of a long distance relationship. Characterised by very fuzzy Skype conversations and the occasional drunk text, where the receiver is either eating lunch, or already in the next morning. We also went to see a film, even writing this now I’m struggling to remember the name, I’ll have to look it up when I get internet (writing from seat 17F on 20:50 Da Nang - Ho Chi Minh flight). The film was awful and 3 of the 4 of us fell asleep a good hour before the end. The next day I met Harry, a Kiwi who was at the end of spending a couple of months in South East Asia as a way of breaking up his move from NZ to London. I spent the day wandering around Hanoi’s French Quarter, though this exploration was delayed by Air Asia letting me know that morning that they’d moved my flight to the Philippines 8 hours later, something that was going to cause me major issues, and led to some infuriating use of their “web chat unsupportive service”. Hanoi gets mixed reviews from travellers which I personally don’t understand. There’s lots to do, it’s incredibly cheap, people are friendly and it feels very European due to the French architecture and street layout. I went out that night with Harry to ‘beer corner’. It was classic Vietnamese organised chaos. Thousands of little stools and tables, shared by travellers and locals, as beers are served at 50p each, by someone that claims to own your stool.

The next morning I had coffee and visited a market with Harry. I’ve got to say it was the first point that I’ve really missed London, as I enthusiastically reeled off all the places he should go as he frantically took notes. I wasn’t feeling great that afternoon, but it was a pleasant surprise to return to my dorm and find that my roommates were now 5 Norwegian girls, who in turn created the nicest aroma I’ve ever experienced in a hostel room. I can only put it down to an apparent desire to keep themselves and their clothes clean on a routine basis. A characteristic very few other backpackers appear to possess. Some, who proudly tell you they’ve worn “this vest for 6 days straight now”, in one of the world’s most humid countries…

That evening I only ventured out to Hanoi’s 5* Intercontinental hotel, as they had one of the best viewpoints over Hanoi’s west lake. The same beer I’d been drinking the night before was a horrific £2.80, but one was worth it for the view. Walking back I saw a bar on the other side of the street which has the PS3 emblem on the outside. On entering they had 4 TVs set up with people playing FIFA 17. It was an opportunity I could not miss. I spent the next 2 hours playing FIFA with 4 Vietnamese guys who were evidently confused as to how I found the place, and who could speak very little English. Not that this stopped them from producing a pronunciation perfect cry of the Swedish striker Ibrahimovic, as he scored a last minute winner.

The next morning I was picked up for my Ha Long Bay tour at 8am. I had booked for 2 days 1 night, sleeping on the boat. The 4 hour drive was one of the worst I’ve experienced. With no leg room on the small and crammed minibus, rough roads, and a driver who seemed intent on using the drive to practice his overtaking before an upcoming F1 fixture, it felt far longer. The bay itself is breathtaking. For that reason I was glad I hadn’t paid more for any added extras/experiences, because for the bottom rate you see what you came to see in all its grandeur and mystique. We visited a cave before kayaking on the first day. That evening I played cards with my roommates, a woman from Azerbaijan (but living in Bow, London), and a woman from Argentina. I also met my first, and to this point only gap year students. Another 2 Norwegians, though due to their schooling system they were 19 and 20. After sleeping with probably the greatest view I’ve ever had from a bed, the next day involved a trip to a particular rock where they’ve built a viewpoint and artificial beach. I was somewhat oddly the only member of the 15 person group who fancied a swim. It was indeed fairly cold outside but the water was a perfectly tolerable temperature. On exiting the water I discovered that quite a decent crowd had formed, to observe this strange white man swimming In the sea in February. It was as I dried myself that this one gentleman pictured above, chose to thrust his phone in my face for a selfie. My only rule when it comes to this situation is to demand one in return, and it may well be one of my favourite photos of the travels so far. I got back to Hanoi late afternoon and was pretty tired, so other than enjoying the well written about ‘Bahn Mi 25’ experience, I retired to reorganise for the flight to Hue the next day. I was fortunate enough to overhear 3 of my Norwegian friends from a couple of nights previous, booking their taxi, and so I got in on that deal, once again saving me a fair bit.

I arrived in Hue in the rain, and made it to my oddly Wild West hostel. It was however one of the nicest beds I’ve had so far. The evening continued with me getting an Indian with 2 Irish guys and a Bristolian. It was actually quite an upmarket restaurant we found with the £8 cost being the most I’d spent on a single meal since Hong Kong. The food was great, and it was fun discussing the Arsenal, Manchester United rivalry with some passionate fans. They also shared my desire to find a pub that would show the England vs Italy 6 Nations fixture. It was a bizarre fixture to watch. If you watched the game you’ll understand that trying to work out Italy’s ruck tactics was hard enough for the players and the pundits, let alone us watching in a noisy bar with no commentary. The same evening I found out that it was meant to rain all day the next day, scuppering my plans to scooter the 5 hour journey to Hoi An. Luckily the company I had organised the rental with were happy to use my deposit to book me the bus to Hoi An, which was about $7.

The next day I got the incredibly comfortable sleeper bus, (though taken in the morning), to Hoi An. 3 rows of double decked 80% reclinable beds, allowing 40 or so passengers to travel in unrivalled comfort. On arrival in Hoi An I went straight to a tailor that had been recommended to me by my Dutch friend in Hanoi. There in ensued 3 extremely stressful hours. Getting my full navy cashmere suit made, took up about 25 minutes of that period. The rest was spent trying to convey what Ellen and Kate wanted made, with the help of measurements they’d sent me and pictures of the items. I would have found this easy if I hadn’t then been asked a multitude of questions I had no clue how to answer. How long does she want the skirt? What kind of fabric does she want? Does she want this double hem? Which pattern is best? I was feeling the pressure enormously, however to be fair to the girls they were both pretty on hand on whatsapp at what was about 8am GMT, to firmly bat away my futile suggestions, and I hope get what they wanted. The items are now in the post back home, except for one loose cotton shirt I got made, and should make it home in about 3 weeks.

I explored the old town a bit before embarking on a street food tour organised by the hostel, spending my time primarily with 2 woman from Finland and New York. Janelle from NY was so staggered at my age, she then made it her mission for the evening to prove that her guess of 26 was not crazy. To be fair to her the exhaustive surveying gave an outcome of 25.1, which I didn’t really know what to think of.

My second day in Hoi An involved a cycle to the beach which was nice, followed by picking up the clothes, 22 hours after order. They did fit incredibly well, but by the time I’d reviewed each item, tried on mine, and negotiated the postage cost, it was worth returning to the hostel where they were doing a 'free beer’ night. I went out that evening with 3 girls and one guy from California. Hoi An has an odd nightlife scene. There are a multitude of almost identical bars where you can drink fairly cheaply if you go at the right time, befriend the Kiwi rep that walks around shouting their name, and negotiate a bit. Then at 1230 they all close, and everyone moves to the one bar in town that’s open till 5, and inevitably is the most expensive. It was regardless good fun but something I realised I was quite tired off by the next evening (Wednesday).

Nothing however was going to take away from Wednesday being one of the best days so far, due to my final attempt at riding the Hai Van Pass, most famously featured on Top Gear’s Vietnam special, and described by Clarkson as 'One of the greatest coast roads in the world’. Once again the clearly confused Hoi An weather forecasters predicted torrential rains and it was dry all day. It took about an hour to get to the start of the pass, and then began dozens of hairpins, chicanes, and 6km of wide, open, and practically empty sea view. I was in awe, and it was one of those moments that for me helped to justify the entire venture. After taking a sufficient number of photos (many) and falling in love with my bike, which with its Arsenal sticker was christened 'Thierry’, I drove back extremely pleased with the endeavour. I also got some pretty good footage of the ride by attaching a GoPro to my helmet and chest at different times.

I went out with a solely English crew that night. I’d like to say that although I obviously have no issue with English company, it did feel kind of boring discussing bits of London and A Levels. I have just found it much more fun discussing the drinking laws / politics / nightlife / education system of Finland, America, Azerbaijan or Australia over the past few days. I spent most of my time with Calum, who had recently graduated from a school in North Carolina, and whom I felt was equally bored by my harmless compatriots.

Today was a very relaxing day where I only ventured out for Pho (Vietnamese noodle broth), and otherwise caught up on some stuff, knowing that my hostel in Ho Chi Minh is quite lively. I’m actually now standing at the luggage carousel which is taking an age. I’m quite confused as to how it’s reached 1045pm, and I left my hostel at 6pm for a 1 hour 10 domestic flight. I’m sorry again this is quite a long one, but splitting it up felt like more effort. I may have landed in Sydney next time.

#travel #vietnam