#I think my only real chance is dating apps. which is so bleak to start. even more bleak bc I'm bad at talking to ppl and I'm a lil ugly and

[thephillyphiles-blog]

The Meet Cute

Meet Cute: Fact or Fiction?

If you’ve seen any romantic comedy*, then you are at least somewhat familiar with the so-called “meet cute,” that serendipitous, seemingly random, typically adorable occurrence in which two individuals meet each other and instantly connect.  In movies, it often involves some level of clumsiness at a time when neither party is actively looking to fall in love, but fate demands they come together.  Sometimes what starts out as dislike turns to understanding and affection when one individual gets to see the softer side of the other.  I love a movie meet cute, the kind that makes your heart swell and convinces you for a brief moment that if you go to enough farmers markets or record stores, you too can literally run face-first into your soul mate.  It’s organic and effortless and the two participants are good looking and it seems simple enough.

But the question facing us today is whether the meet cute is just a sweet-sounding device of romantic fiction, or if it’s actually plausible in today’s largely digital dating scene.  Is it really possible to meet someone when you’re simply going about your business and not necessarily looking to find love?  Or, forget love, is it possible to just get a date this way?  And...why am I so desperate to meet cute?

But Everyone Says It’s Impossible

I’ve run this idea of the modern-day meet cute by numerous people, both single and in relationships, of varying ages, and the consensus is bleak: no, they say, the meet cute is a myth in this day and age, it will never happen.  All agree that it’s a nice idea, but it’s simply not feasible.  For the most part, people seem to believe that dating apps have replaced almost every other method of meeting people, and that singles are so focused on swiping or on hooking up that the necessary ingredients for a chance meeting simply do not exist.  Even my therapist told me that it’s no longer possible to meet someone out and about--it just doesn’t happen anymore.

I’m not completely satisfied with this answer.  Is it possible that we’re simply not aware enough of what is going on around us to pick up on signals from potential cute meeters (someone help me with the grammar here)?  When I leave my house, I’m almost always in workout clothes with little to no makeup and dirty hair.  I have headphones in, my phone is glued to my hand, and the fact that I’ve left the house most likely means that I’m hoofing it somewhere and don’t have time to stop and pet the puppies in Rittenhouse Square Park.  I suppose my look would not be categorized as “approachable” and if someone were to approach me I wouldn’t hear them over My Favorite Murder playing in my earbuds.  If someone were to look past my disheveled appearance and the fact that I’m walking at an olympic-level pace and actually want to spark a conversation, there is almost no chance that I’d notice.  And if I did, my cynicism from years of dealing with gross guys would probably deal the final blow.  Perhaps I’m diminishing my own chances of experiencing the elusive meet cute.

Testimony on Behalf of the Meet Cute

In writing this, I am reminded of two real-life stories about girls I know meeting their now-husbands in very romantic serendipitous ways (names have been changed to preserve anonymity).  First, the story of Amy, an extremely accomplished doctor living in Philadelphia.  Amy had left Philly to do her residency, where she began a serious relationship with a fellow doctor, but when residency was over, she realized this guy wasn’t worth staying for, so she ended it and moved back home.  Being the badass that she is, Amy bought her own house in Passyunk and lived there happily with her dog, content to be single again after a trying relationship in which she felt she had lost herself.  One day, Amy was walking her dog and, in the middle of a crosswalk, a man going the opposite way stopped to pet him.  Amy was struck by how cute this man was and how good he was with her cantankerous dog, so, in an act that Amy describes as completely unlike her, she asked the man if he wanted to walk with her to the dog park.  The man, who is very shy and unassuming, was somewhat gobsmacked by her offer and agreed.  After talking for a while and exchanging numbers, the two began dating, fell in love, and got married.  They share a beautiful daughter and a beautiful life and I’ve yet to meet two people more perfect for each other.  

The second story is about Bella, a twenty-something Philadelphian who had been rather unlucky in love.  Despite her best efforts, she seemed to keep picking guys who turned out overly possessive and sometimes a little scary.  Given this past, Bella was not desperate to meet someone and she was happy to take a girls-only trip down the shore to Sea Isle City.  One evening, Bella and her friends were at a popular Sea Isle bar for happy hour and she made eye contact with a guy.  She thought he was cute but wasn’t interested in meeting anyone, and besides, he was standing and talking closely with another girl.  After a few minutes, the guy approached Bella with a drink, clearly wanting to make conversation, but she turned him down, thinking it was extremely rude of him to hit on her while he was there with another girl.  Bella is one of those girls who can shut you down with a brief withering look, so the guy went sheepishly back to his friends, defeated.  Later that evening, a mutual friend (because it’s Sea Isle and the bars are packed mutual friends) asked Bella what the guy had said to her, to which she responded he didn’t have to say anything, she saw he was with another girl.  The friend explained that the girl was actually just his cousin, nothing more.  Bella thought for a moment about whether to apologize for shutting him down.  She bought two drinks at the bar and approached the guy with one of them, sorry for the immediate brush off.  Although it was purely a good-faith gesture, the two began talking and it turned out they had much more than their friend in common.  They got married earlier this year and are incredibly happy together.

So maybe the meet cute isn’t dead after all.

*My Favorite Movie Meet Cutes (just a few favorites):

Bridesmaids (2011): Kristen Wiig meets Chris O’Dowd when he pulls her over for erratic driving, then tears up her ticket because he’s the sweetest Irish cop in Milwaukee.  Their paths continue to cross and his kindness strikes a chord at a difficult time in her life.

Silver Linings Playbook (2012): Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence meet at a dinner party and instantly begin to spar, seemingly despising each other.  But when the conversation turns to which psych meds they’re each taking, a deep connection is formed between them.

The Wedding Planner (2001): JLo’s Gucci heel is stuck in the road and she refuses to abandon it despite the dumpster hurtling toward her at full speed.  Matthew McConaughey pulls her to safety just in time, saving JLo and her shoe.

Sleepless in Seattle (1993): possibly the most beloved meet cute in modern film history, Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are perfect for each other but fate seems to keep them apart, until they finally meet on the top of the Empire State Building and they just know.

Pretty Woman (1990): Julie Roberts is a sex worker with a heart of gold who gives the antiseptic, acrophobic Richard Gere directions.  Charmed by her boldness, he performs a Pygmalion-like transformation and they realize they each have exactly what the other needs. 

When Harry Met Sally (1989): the classic polar-opposites meet cute takes place when Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan drive across the country together after college, discovering immediately that they could not be more different.  But it turns out that’s exactly what makes them perfect for each other.

What’s Next

In an effort to determine whether a meet cute is actually possible, I will attempt a few things: leaving my house more, dressing like an adult, washing my hair with more frequency, and generally trying to seem like a person you might want to interact with.  It’ll be tough, but I think I can handle it.  I also want to do a little more digging on the subject and try to determine why a meet cute seems so much better than meeting someone online, a preconceived notion that I’ve had immense trouble shaking.  So stay tuned for continued ~insights~ on this topic.

As I wrote last time, I am forcing myself to try Hinge and Bumble again.  I hope to answer many questions and try to see the upside of it all, as well as share some choice interactions.  Again, if you have recommendations for other apps or tips on how to best to approach the online game, please let me know.  If there are any topics/questions you want me to address or specific things you want me to try, feel free to contact me.  Also, if you have experiences you’d like to share please send them to me!  You will remain anonymous!

Contact and follow me at:

Twitter: @thephillyphiles

IG: @phillyphiles

Email: [email protected]

[praphiteyes]

Dating Apps: The Strug is Real

We are living in a world where we both hate and love labels. We hate when people label us, because we believe that others are being unfair (and that's usually accurate), and we love to label others, because we believe that our assessment is absolutely accurate and fair (plus, it makes us feel good).

It's hard to properly judge someone in any walk of life, but I believe that I've found the one arena where there is a solid method for accurately identifying people - The Dating Game.

When we are on the prowl we tend to reveal our hand more than in other walks of life; even when we believe that we are being cautious. Chances are, that caution in and of itself is throwing us into a category.

I have searched through a variety of dating apps, and have discovered some of these categories that may not only help you, if you're in the midst of a personal search, but also help to identify certain traits in people as well, and thus fuel our judgmental natures.

Categories:

1) The Bitter Mofo - You're supposed to be attracting people to yourself. There is so much said in one's profile pic. There are certain people who you'd think they were posing for press on their latest batch of rap music. Their pictures says "battered", "agitated", and or "I don't want to be doing this." In most cases, their profile introduction to themselves say exactly the same things.

2) The Wounded Animal - They give you the details of all of their life's pain in their profile. Imagine meeting someone for the first time, and the first thing they tell you (even before a greeting), is how the last person that they were with cheated on them.

3) The Hot Mess - One could argue that anyone trying to seduce strangers into their lives (especially during the COVID-19 pandemic - I'm writing this during it) is a "hot mess", but when you come across a profile that is being used as a diary, it's a red flag. But, hey... maybe you're into that:)

4) The Divorcee - It doesn't matter that you've been divorced. It does matter that you feel the need to start your profile off with that information. There are people who are on dating apps while currently going through said divorce.

5) Ready to settle down - "Settling down" is subjective though, isn't it? This type of person always comes with them a bit of a judgmental attitude. "You're not ready to settle down as much as I am." If and when you break-up (if you even get that far), it'll be because you weren't ready to "commit". But, that's only most cases. There are times when two people get together, who want to settle down, and they both mean close to the same thing when saying that.

6) Trolling for booty - These people are easy to spot, because they're usually showing a lot of their own booty... and everything else that they're allowed to show. Can you imagine if there were no restrictions on what pictures that you were allowed to post? These people are typically the most direct (which is good). Life is a sexy playground, filled with strangers.

7) The "I don't know why I'm here" person - Everything about their profile screams non-commitment. You'll be lucky if you even get a reply back from them, let alone a date. They've got one foot in (if even a foot) and one foot in their comfort zone. Perhaps they're still thinking to themselves "How the hell did I become one of these people?"

8) The No Profile person - Sometimes, you don't even get a pic. You might get "Fun, sassy, with a good smile" or something like that. Perhaps these are catfishing waters. A very lazy catfish. This is an extreme (though these types are out there), but those profiles that don't show much effort are red flags. Or at the very least, a very slothful person. But, again, maybe you're into that.

9) The "Jesus is Lord" person - I am a Christian as well, but I don't lead with my faith with a person I'm meeting for the first time, especially if I'm pursuing a dating relationship with them. There are Christian dating sites for that, but even there, it would simply be expected already. No one wants to be slapped in the face by Jesus (or Buddha or whomever) when first greeted.

10) Politics Guy/Gal - Pretty much the same sentiments apply here as they do with religion. But, maybe politics get your sexy juices flowing. Maybe you want a little liberal vs conservative role play. Maybe you wanna get it on while wearing some MAGA hats, or maybe a little fun with Trump and Obama masks. I'm not judging you. No, that's a lie... I am.

11) Looking for some spice - People are freaky. Some think that maybe they need to become freaky to save their marriage. Like I said, "It's a playground."

COVID-19 Pandemic notes: So, these are the types of people that one needs to decide the worthiness of, in order to risk exposure; not the best of chocices. Until we get a vaccine, some may need to step up their standards and techniques. Or maybe you like living dangerously... and maybe there needs to be a dating service available for all of you out there who are ok with throwing caution to the wind, so the rest don't need to get infected.

Conclusion:

So, how are people even getting together? It doesn't seem like any of this should even work. The reality is that most of one's time spent on dating apps will end in disappointment. I know that sounds bleak, but that doesn't mean you're time on there will be so negative (and right there, that stred of hope, is how they get you). But, I really do mean that. The way I see it is, you've got four options:

Gamble, which is pretty much dealing with all of the types of people that I talked about above. Hey, if you've ever been to a casino or played the lottery, you know that sometimes you strike gold. There are other things that you could strike as well, but I'm trying to stay positive for you.

You could settle. Settling sounds bad, but we settle all of the time in life. I don't mean settling as in allowing yourself to be ok with being miserable. I mean settling as compromise. All relationships that last require compromise. Maybe you're tired of the playground, and just want to be done with it for good.

You could give up. Again, giving up sounds bad, and perhaps it is, I don't know. I do know that dating ain't easy in these times. Relationships of any kind aren't exactly a walk in the park. And in some ways, giving up and focusing on you is the easiest and best way to go. Sometimes, a season of giving up could be what you need as well. And if you decide to give up permenantly, there are plenty of cats out there who need good homes.

Lastly, you could focus more on hunting than fishing. What kind of person are you? What kind of person would complement you? Another important question to ask in these narcissistic times is - What kind of person would you be good for? The more self-aware and direct that you are (graciously) the higher chance you'll have of finding happiness within the dating app game, and maybe even some love.

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