#I'm not stopping til I finish a good portion of my wips

[is-there-an-echo-in-here]

The Best of Us

After a difficult mission, Ahsoka is concerned to discover that Rex is nowhere to be found. A tip off from Fives and Echo leads her to the bar.

TW: Alcoholism

Special thanks to @turtlepie for being the best vod and cheerleader a person could wish for

Also, I have an Ao3 now if anyone prefers to read stuff there, you can find me Here

. . .

Ahsoka could not recall the last time her men had been inflicted with a casualty rate so high. 

Anakin had taken his leave. He had reports to write up, men to honour by listing their chosen names instead of just their numbers. Ahsoka did what she could; she escorted the men in every aspect of the aftermath, seeing the wounded to the infirmary, helping pilots unpack the cargo, offering to scrub the blood from armour.

Her men gave her soft looks, hundreds of matching sympathetic eyes meeting her own as they told her that the wounded men would be fine, that they could manage with the ships, that she needn’t dirty her hands on their account. Defiance rising, Ahsoka wordlessly defied the last. She took Fives’ arm bracer from his pile of dusty, bloodied armour, and sunk it into the long basin between him and Echo. The latter handed her a cloth in silence.

“Thank you,” she murmured, scrubbing off the wash of crimson to reveal that familiar white and blue underneath.

She glanced down the line of men, their solemn expressions and busy hands. Someone was missing and she frowned as she twisted back to search the room, not having spotted him with any of the other men either.

“Where’s Rex?” Fives and Echo exchanged an anxious look over her head and Ahsoka frowned nervously. “What is it? Did he get hurt?”

He had not been in the infirmary; she was almost certain of that.

“No, sir, but he disappeared when we returned to the ship,” said Echo and Fives shifted his jaw.

“He’s probably drinking,” he admitted, “and it’s no use trying to talk to him when he’s doing that.”

Ahsoka blinked her confusion. “Why not?”

The pair hesitated.

“Commander,” began Echo, shifting his helmet in his hands. “I don’t think you should go looking for him. He wouldn’t want you to see him when he’s like this; it’s his way of… easing the pain of our losses. He’s grieving.”

“By drinking?” asked Ahsoka, worried now.

Fives gave her a sympathetic look. “Believe me, we know. I’ve tried to convince him to find another way, but sometimes he just… he finds it difficult to cope.”

Ahsoka was shocked. Rex had never presented himself as the kind of man who had to lean on the crutch of alcohol. He had never, in Ahsoka’s knowledge, seemed as though he was struggling to cope. Perhaps she simply hadn’t wanted to see it.

“You shouldn’t judge him too harshly, commander,” said Fives. “Even the best of us can struggle with days like this.”

“I don’t judge him, I’m just glad you told me,” she murmured, truly grateful to the pair for bringing this to her attention. “I know I said I’d help with cleaning, but would you please excuse me?”

The pair murmured in glad agreement and Ahsoka handed off Fives’ arm bracer to him. She turned heel and hurried from the washroom. The doors opened at her approach, and she strode down the hall in an effort not to look as though she was running.

The bars on the republic cruisers were nothing impressive, a room tucked away in some secluded area of the ship, a single counter with a droid tender, scattered chairs in which to sit, space enough to stand. Ahsoka had only been once, on her first tour of the ship with Anakin as guide. He had glossed over the space with little interest and, not being of age for such frivolities, Ahsoka had no cause to visit again.

Until now, of course.

It was just how she remembered, except for one thing. Her captain was sat at the bar, alone.

Ahsoka made a beeline for him, smiling politely when a group of clones she didn’t know well greeted her with a respectful “Commander”, but not stopping to chat. Rex didn’t see her approach. He was staring into his mostly empty glass, his eyes dark in the dim light and the shadows of his bowed head.

“Rex?” Ahsoka said, as gentle as she could, not wishing to startle him.

His head lifted, straightening his posture. “Commander,” he said, watching as she sat on the stool beside him, tense with uncertainty. “Are you… old enough to drink?”

“I’m not here to drink,” said Ahsoka, giving him a soft look. “I’m here for you.” He lowered his gaze again, a muscle in his jaw ticking. She felt his shame like a dark heat radiating from his skin. “Do you think, maybe, you’ve had enough…? You don’t look well, Rex.”

Rex rubbed the nape of his neck, his head low. “‘ve you been talking to Fives?”

Ahsoka tilted her head, trying to draw his attention, but he refused to meet her eyes. “What would he tell me?”

“That I need a better coping mechanism,” muttered Rex, surprisingly articulate considering the state he was in. Ahsoka didn’t like to consider how many times he had done this, the tolerance he had built up. “He’d probably be right.”

“Then stop,” Ahsoka pleaded softly, though she knew it wasn’t so simple.

Rex stared at his glass, running a finger along the rim. “I keep failing them,” he murmured and Ahsoka was desperate to protest, but she held her tongue so he could continue. “I held a rookie as he died. Nothing any medic could do, so I just… held him. He kept asking if he was a good soldier. He was bleeding to death in my arms and he just cared about… about his duty.”

His eyes were becoming glossier as he spoke and he wiped them with the back of his hand as he finished, inhaling deeply, finishing his drink.

Ahsoka watched him with heavy eyes. “You can’t save everyone,” she murmured and Rex huffed like he disapproved. “It sounds like you helped him find some peace.”

“Nothing about it was peaceful,” Rex muttered, slid his glass forward and tapped it twice against the counter.

The droid came to refill his glass. Ahsoka resisted the urge to tell it not to, knowing that stopping had to be Rex’s decision or he would just be back here the second she let him out of her sight.

“You shouldn’t be here,” she said, watching him drink with a heavy heart. “Not like this. This isn’t healthy and it doesn’t help anybody.”

Rex shifted his jaw as it trembled. “Just… gets too much sometimes.”

“I know,” Ahsoka whispered, laying a hand over his arm bracer. “I know it does, but you should talk to someone instead of trying to numb yourself. There’s so many people on this ship alone who love you and want to help.” She watched his eyes fill with tears. “Rex, please, let us help you.”

Rex gripped his hands to the back of his head, sniffing back tears as he hid his face from her. “I can’t… I can’t burden the men with this. I—I’m supposed to be strong.”

“The men know,” Ahsoka murmured softly. “They know, Rex, and they’re worried about you. Trust me when I say that knowing you’re trying to be better will ease the burden on them.” She leaned forward on the bar. “You know what Fives told me?”

“You mean other than my greatest shame?”

Ahsoka narrowed her eyes in sympathy. “He told me not to judge you, because even the best of us struggle… You are the best of us, Rex. I know that.”

Rex shook his head, as if trying to cast off her words. “You shouldn’t say that. I’m not—”

“You are not arguing with me over this; you won’t get far.”

Rex huffed, palming at his eyes. He didn’t try to argue any further. At this point, he seemed to know when she was unmovable in her opinion. She gripped his arm tight enough for it to catch his attention, bringing those tear-bright eyes to her face.

“We are going to get through this. You aren’t alone, so, if you need help, you ask for help. Your family is right here for you. Yeah?”

Rex swallowed, looked down to the empty glass. He squeezed it hard in his hand, so hard that Ahsoka feared it would shatter, before he shoved it away, raking his hands over his head as if to compose himself, straightening his posture and meeting his commander’s eyes with a set jaw and a stiff nod.

“Yes, sir.”

#thank you to everyone who played the writing ask game #gave me a good kick up the ass #literally a direct result of that #I'm not stopping til I finish a good portion of my wips #onto the boring tags #clone wars #ahsoka tano #captain rex #kit writes #arc trooper fives #arc trooper echo #star wars the clone wars #swtcw #fanfiction #ship on your own posts not on mine