#WordWithWorld

[anislandintime]

Two years ago on this day, I got into the clutches of a narcissist. Trauma bonding made me celebrate 'a year to meeting the chosen one' last year on this day. To recognize trauma as trauma was traumatic. It took months of therapy for recovery to begin. Just begin. I'm still in the process of recovering...

#Abuse #Trauma #Narcissism #NarcissisticAbuse #PostNarcissistStress #TraumaBonding #TraumaTherapy #Recovery #Healing #WordWithWorld #NotesToMyself #Soliloquy #WritingAsCatharsis

[anislandintime]

To weep is also a crime according to those who wrong you, for they fear your weeping will make public their act of wronging you.

#Abuse #Trauma #NarcissisticAbuse #PostNarcissistStress #WordWithWorld #WritingAsCatharsis

[anislandintime]

Even if the narcissistic abuse ends, the ghosts of the traumatic experience will keep revisiting once in a while & keep haunting you.

Probably there's no liberation from the ghosts of narcissistic abuse, though there can/ will be liberation from narcissist(ic abuse).

#Narcissism #NarcissisticAbuse #PostNarcissistStress #Abuse #Trauma #Soliloquy #Healing #Recovery #WordWithWorld #NotesToMyself #WritingAsCatharsis

[anislandintime]

Suicide is a language. It is spoken at the cost of one's life.

It is a final statement made through action. It is the final attempt to be heard.

It symbolizes both, suffering and the protest against suffering.

#SuicideIdeation #NarcissisticAbuse #PostNarcissistStress #Abuse #Trauma #NotesToMyself #WordWithWorld #WritingAsCatharsis #Soliloquy #Suicide

[anislandintime]

The narcissist wasn't ignorant of their abusive nature. In wanting to prove to themselves that they aren't exploitative, they'd occasionally create situations to enact being kind to me. In those acts, they were the performer, & they were the audience. I was merely a prop!

#Abuse #Trauma #NarcissisticAbuse #Narcissism #WordWithWorld #NotesToMyself #WritingAsCatharsis #PostNarcisistStress

[anislandintime]

Why do we end up internalizing unjustifiable criticism so much that we begin to look at the (seemingly) deserving compliments and praise so suspiciously? Does violence have a deeper and greater impact on human minds than love? Why does becoming conscious of this also not help?

#abuse #trauma #harassment #NarcissisticAbuse #PostNarcissistTrauma #MentalHealth #WordWithWorld #WritingAsCatharsis #Soliloquy

[anislandintime]

How terrifying, and horribly sad, that there exist people who have the ability to (cognitively) understand other people's emotions and pains, and yet decide- consciously or unconsciously- to manipulate and exploit those very people for personal thrills and power trip.

#Abuse #Trauma #NarcisissticAbuse #PostNarcissistStress #WordWithWorld #WritingAsCatharsis #MentalHealth #Loneliness #Soliloquy

[anislandintime]

Then there are nights such as this, where there is only suffering, & no words to express it, explain it.

You just implode.

#Loneliness #NarcissisticAbuse #PostNarcissistStress #Trauma #Abuse #MentalHealth #SilentSuffering #NotesToMyself #WordWithWorld #WritingAsCatharsis #Soliloquy

[anislandintime]

With limited therapy time, one can present only the arc of history, & not the details in which the day to day abuse & trauma resides. If already invalidated & gaslighted by the abuser, the details are already forgotten & only impression/ impact remains.

As a result of the above, if the therapist fails to understand entirely, the strength to speak gets lost. Its horrible when this happens after taking months together to make sense of what happened, find words to frame thoughts & pull the courage to speak.

I'm shattered.

#NarcissisticAbuse #PostNarcissistStress #Trauma #Abuse #MentalHealth #Recovery #Healing #Therapy #WordWithWorld #NotesToMyself #WritingAsCatharsis

[anislandintime]

When I speak of Narcissistic Abuse, not many around me understand how traumatic it has been & how recovery feels near impossible.

If relatability is necessary to understand, I am glad nobody understands. Narcissistic Abuse is hellish.

But at times solidarity isn't enough. The wounds want to be understood.

#NarcissisticAbuse #PostNarcissistTrauma #Abuse #Trauma #Stress #WordWithWorld #NotesToMyself #WritingAsCatharsis #Soliloquy #MentalHealth

[anislandintime]

Suicide, for some, is the only way of fighting the atrocities of life.

#ExistentialLoneliness #SuicideIdeation #NarcissisticAbuse #Abuse #Trauma #Soliloquy #NotesToMyself #WritingAsCatharsis #WordWithWorld

[anislandintime]

Suicide is not a story about losing love for life.  Suicide is a story about feeling/ being unloved by life.

#ExistentialLoneliness #SuicideIdeation #NarcissisticAbuse #PostNarcissistStress #NotesToMyself #WordWithWorld #Abuse #Trauma

[anislandintime]

Not sure if it is a recognized thing, but there is a certain kind of 'therapy fatigue' that one could experience. I have felt it myself and have heard some speak of it. 

PS: This is no complaint against therapists.

#Therappy #Trauma #Abuse #NarcissisticAbuse #PostNarcissistStressDissorder #WordWithWorld #WritingAsCatharsis #NotesToSelf #TherapyFatigue

[anislandintime]

So many memories are resurfacing from last year & last to last year. It is the Narcissist's birthday today. I don't know why I'm remembering them, their birthday & becoming emotional now when I'm completely aware of how they abused me, exploited me, & traumatized me.

The scars are yet to heal, & I'm yet to recover from the damages. And strangely, I catch myself in the corner of a chamber in my heart remembering the Narcissist, the Abuser on their birthday and praying for their wellbeing.

What is this emotional entanglement with the abuser which refuses to get disconnected? Becoming aware of abuse, finding a language to comprehend & confront trauma, I believed, was sufficient for healing to begin, for recovery to start. But now I doubt if they are...

This affection I still feel in the depths of my heart- against the will and approval of my cerebral side- for the Narcissist probably shows that the abuser did not succeed entirely in dehumanizing me through abuse and trauma.

Maybe this love signals at me not being wrong, something which the Narc's gaslighting manipulated me to believe. In this strangely confusing affection for the Narcissist, I realize how the human in me survived & their exploitative and abusive ways did not triumph.

#Narcissism #NarcissisticAbuse #PostNarcissistStress #Trauma #Abuse #Recovery #Healing #WordWithWorld #Soliloquy #WritingAsCatharsis #NotesToMyself

[anislandintime]

The narcissist abuser was also in pain. They would speak of it when the heaviness of it was unbearable. Later in the day or the day following if asked how they were feeling, they would lash out at me for "not knowing boundaries" and asking "intrusive questions".

Back then I would feel supremely guilty of having 'hurt the already hurt'. Now I realize, they just did not want to be reminded of their moments of weakness and they having resorted to opening up to someone about it.

As a result of such occurrences repeatedly, I became scared of asking people how they are doing. Even in a general conversation with friends, I would first say, "I apologize for asking if this is too intrusive, and you can chose to not answer also in case it is..." and then ask, "How have you been?"

Also, I would not share my worries with the Narc because I did not want to burden them when they are already burdened. With this was also the fear of breaching "boundaries", either to ask them about their wellbeing or by speaking of my own worries.

The idea of a healthy boundary was not just used as a tool by the Narc to play their power game and nurture their inflated ego, but also distorted my boundaries and ways of living with healthy boundaries.

Once when reprimanded for asking an "intrusive question," I responded by saying, "Your idea of boundaries turns human relations into a hospital zone," and I was immediately accused of not knowing the importance of boundaries and as someone who wanted to transgress boundaries to "get sex".

That scarred me deeply and now when I think of it, I almost laugh because who would use or see a simple "how are you doing?" as a catch-line for sex? But when it came as an accusation it was anything but funny. The stretch to which a Narc can and will go to damage you, and to protect their vulnerable side doesnt get exposed, is unimaginable!

But whenever I was not in my elements, sensing my unwellbeing, they would ask me, what is bothering me. It would confuse me- how is it that they could freely ask me about my emotional wellbeing and reprimand me when I ask them. Once when I said, "I dont know if I should tell you," it angered the Narc who said, "I ask because I am concerned and this is how you respond!" in such a way that I felt I had disrespected their concern for me.

Taking cue from their act of concern, if I asked them 'how are you feeling?' the next time I sense them feeling low... bang! there would be another explosion accusing me of not respecting 'boundaries'.

The Narc among the woke know how to use the politically correct language to abuse, gaslight and guilttrip. Its a dangerous phenomenon.

#Narcissism #NarcissisticAbuse #PostNarcissistStress #Trauma #Abuse #WordWithWorld #NotesToMyself #Soliloquy #WritingAsCatharsis

[anislandintime]

Pushing me to deal with trauma, Narcissistic Abuse made me (finally) learn to love myself & give myself self-care.

But I've lost the ability to trust people, to extend my hand, to have unadulterated love for people who come close to my life.

I survived, yes, but not as myself.

#Abuse #Trauma #Narcissism #NarcissisticAbuse #PostNarcissistStress #WordWithWorld #WritingAsCatharsis #Soliloquy